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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Random Jack Bauer Fact: Young monsters are often afraid to go to sleep at night because they think Jack Bauer is in their closet.

As my esteemed colleague "The Man" mentioned in an earlier post, the kill count on 24 appears to be coming back in line with the high standards that have been set in past episodes.

Badger receiving the smallmouth bass treatment was an unexpected yet pleasant surprise. The killing of the anonymous bad guys, though not quite as pleasing, was nonetheless a bonus. And Jack's fine marksmanship with regard to the helicopter incident certainly bodes poorly for his enemies in the near future.

However, I cannot seem to move past last week's episode where, in my humble opinion, a huge opportunity was lost. Bear with me.

Jack was ordered by terrorists at gunpoint to release a cannister of deadly gas into the ventilation system of the mall. Jack opted to disobey a direct presidential order thereby saving the lives of thousands of innocents, but potentially risking twenty times that number of people down the road.

Now I understand that Jack Bauer does not like to be told what to do by anyone. Not by a couple of two-bit terrorists. Not by a fur-footed, temperamental Hobbit. Not even by the first woman president of the United States.

However, had Jack been able to see past these personal effronteries he had the chance to dramatically increase this season's kill count with no risk whatsoever to the civilian population, all in one fell swoop.

He could have done so with the following two steps:
  1. Release the gas into the ventilation system killing thousands.
  2. Wait until the show was off of the air later that night, fly backwards around the world at supersonic speed thus reversing time and preventing the killings from ever having happened.

Results? A staggering kill count. No actual loss of life. Everyone wins.

8 comments:

The Man said...

Buckley.... Jack already bends time to race across Los Angeles. If he went back in time just to fluff his kill numbers, that would just be overkill.

Plus. What if he went back in time and killed himself or his mother or even Berhooz? I'm not sure the writers of 24 are prepared to deal with that indepth of a storyline.

Buckley F. Williams said...

"What if he went back in time and killed himself or his mother or even Berhooz?"

I'm okay with all of the above. Being part cat he'd still have 8 lives left and the other two are acceptable losses.

"I'm not sure the writers of 24 are prepared to deal with that indepth of a storyline."

Look I'm not going to accept... no true fan should accept... a watered down version of the best show ever made just because the writers can't do their damn jobs.

If they are not up for the task then maybe they should submit their resumes for "Gigli: The Series" or another low-pressure project.

Anonymous said...

(Jack could) wait until the show was off of the air later that night, fly backwards around the world at supersonic speed thus reversing time and preventing the killings from ever having happened...

...and in the process rewinding the Blogs4Bauer kill counter as well; it being irrefutably part of the space/time continuum along with everything else. This would leave us with exactly the same situation we have now...and only serve to make Jack even more tired than he already is. Since the day has at least fifteen more hours to go, he's going to need his strength.

Besides, if he's going to do that, he might as well go all the way: that is, just rewind time all the way back to Season One, Episide One. Among other things, Jack could make sure Teri was taking her Paxil prescription, give Kim fifty extra IQ points and some more intelligent plotlines, and shoot the frickin' hobbit before he left for Mordor.

Of course, it wouldn't be "24" anymore if he did that, but you can't have everything...

--LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

The Man said...

Wow...you do realize that if Jack went back to pre-Season 1, he would be back with his daughter, his wife would be alive, and he would not have gotten hooked on heroin. It sounds like a country song played backwards.

Little Miss Chatterbox said...

I actually agreed with Audrey for the first time ever. 800 people is not an acceptable loss when it didn't guarantee that they could still prevent the other stuff from being released. Jack made the right call!!!

Vinnie said...

and shoot the frickin' hobbit before he left for Mordor.

But if he shot Samwise before he left for Mordor, then Frodo wouldn't have destroyed The Ring, and we'd all be living under Sauron.

Would you really like to see Jack Bauer as a Ringwraith?

If Jack entered the Space-Time Continuum, he would have waited until the ring was destroyed, then tortured Gandalf into letting him ride one of the eagles that rescued Sam and Frodo.

THEN, he would have shot Sam.

Anonymous said...

Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie. You really think Jack Bauer couldn't take Sauron in a straight-up fight? As Emperor Misha points out, Sauron only has one eye because he accidentally caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer in a Silmaril.

http://www.nicedoggie.net/2006/?p=294#more-294

Nothing to worry about. No journey of months to the lava pit under Mount Doom; Jack could have dispatched both the frickin' hobbits, gone to Mordor, killed some Orcs for practice, and spritzed Shelob with a can of Raid. Then, after feeding Sauron the One Ring as a suppository, and kneecapping him for good measure, he'd simply shoot Sauron in his remaining eye and dump the corpse, Ring and all, in the lava.

All in a day's work.

...One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them.
One Ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them
So Jack Bauer can find out if they lie...


Although, come to think of it, Jack would look really good on the back of a Nazgul...

--LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

Anonymous said...

Lots of more facts on my site :P

www.notrly.com/jackbauer

thanks for submitting lots of the facts! i noticed a lot came from here!