Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Germany Reacts To Bauer's Deceit (*Double Super Hasselhoff Warning*)
We reported yesterday about Monday night's decision by Jack Bauer to double-cross an undercover German government operative in order to expedite a terror investigation. At that time we also predicted that a severe German response would be forthcoming.
Just moments ago we received word that the German offensive has begun and it looks to be a ruthless onslaught. As citizens of the United States (as well as members of the human race) we take no pleasure in being right on this matter.
"We were left with no alternative," stated Hans von Schusskrieg, the German Minister of Unconventional Warfare. "Bauer, and by default the United States, has insulted the German people through his underhanded double-dealings. We have ways of handling such insolence."
Our sources are reporting that the first wave of attacks has begun and that the method being used is almost too terrible to comprehend. Leaflets containing a photograph of David Hasselhoff clad only in a Chess King leather jacket and a 1980's era, black, "banana hammock" are being air-dropped over major cities nationwide.
"This is what is known as the 'softening-up' phase," stated psy-ops expert General Harkin Buczek of the U.S. Marine Corps. "They're banking on the fact that we'll be so bedazzled by Hasselhoff's 'man-pretty' that we won't have the will to fight. The key is to not look at the picture at all. Not the thick, luxurious hair. Not the crisp, welcoming, white smile. None of it. Just look away."
Update: San Francisco has fallen.
Update II: Vermont too.
Update III: And Massachusetts.
Posted by Buckley F. Williams at 07:10