Guest Editorial-
by Toonces the Driving Cat

Dear "24" Writers,

Let's cut right to the chase since, ironically enough, I positively deplore little games of "me and mouse".

You know damn well that I, Toonces the Cat, invented the "drive-a-car-over-the-edge-of-a-cliff-seemingly-to-your-death" maneuver years ago. Hell, I turned that one move into a full-fledged career. So you surely realize that the Secretary Heller car/cliff incident from Monday night has trademark infringement written all over it.

That must be why you called and offered me a guest-starring spot on an upcoming episode. Sort of a "shut-your-mouse-hole" role. Did you really think I'd agree to be a Red Shirt? Did you think I'd be so excited to get back into the public eye that I'd ignore the fact that these guys receive their training from the Liberace Counter-Terrorism Institute? Thanks, but no, gentlemen. Toonces may be a cat, but he's no dummy.

But I digress. You better pray for your sake that Heller is dead and stays dead. Because brothers, if he is trawled out of the drink with anything less than two lung-fulls of water and a full-on Ted Kennedy bloat, you'll be hearing from my lawyer. And to paraphrase my pal Tony Montana, "he's such a good lawyer that by tomorrow you'll be writing from Alaska. So dress warm. "