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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Little Known Facts About Jack Bauer

Much has been made about the formidable powers that Chuck Norris possesses, and justifiably so. Due to the sheer quantity and quality of beatings he has administered, Norris has earned the right to have his name spoken in hushed whispers by a Chuck-fearing nation.

However, there is one man too powerful for even Chuck Norris to confront. And that man is Jack Bauer.

In honor of Jack Bauer Appreciation Day, we felt it was high time that everyone learned a bit more about the man entrusted to safeguard our national security:

  • When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
  • Jack Bauer auditioned for the part of Clemenza in The Godfather, but lost the role when he kept taking the gun and leaving the cannoli.
  • Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in.
  • Jack Bauer's saliva is bullet-proof.
  • After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,"Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."
  • Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.
  • Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day.
  • Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.
  • Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.
  • The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer's friends.
  • If Jack Bauer crawls out of a ventilation shaft on February 2nd and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting s***-hammered.
  • Jack Bauer's nickname for Chuck Norris is "Aloysius Q. Vagina-Muffin".
  • Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.
  • Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three's Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.
  • On Jack Bauer's say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.
  • Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.
  • Coffee cannot start it's day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.
  • GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.

Cross-posted from The Nose On Your Face.


kdeweb said...

Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Anonymous said...

When life gives Jack Bauer lemons, he uses them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

... from

NDwalters said...

Jack Bauer can get Helen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer's tears can cure cancer, too bad, since he hardly cries.

Anonymous said...

If Jack Bauer read the live blogs on blogs4bauer, he would kick his own ass because they're so lame.

Anonymous said...

nice leonard betts referece...esp w/Howard Gordon working on the show... : )