Carnival of Bauer

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Keep Your Big Nose Out Of This!
by Jack Bauer

Audrey, let's get one thing straight: you will do exactly as I say, and you will be thankful to do it. In case you missed it, I have spent the last year and a half being tortured in a friggin' Chinese prison! Then President Palmer makes a deal for my release, only to offer me up as a virgin sacrifice to that idiot Fayed. If it weren't for my Blade imitation, I would be dead!

But far be it for me to "trouble" you with a little babysitting.

Look, I love you, but if you think that means that I will not ask (read: force) you to something for me, you are dumber than you look. I read your second paragraph, and I took the time and energy to rewrite it as it should be:

"Since I started dating Jack Bauer, MY LIFE WAS SAVED by Jack Bauer. Since I started dating Jack, my father WAS RESCUED FROM THE BRINY DEEP. Since I started dating Jack, my ex-boyfriend DIED AS HE DESERVED TO. Since I started dating Jack, my younger brother was SCARED STRAIGHT BY CURTIS...who I also NEVER SLEPT WITH with while Jack was "gone" and is now dead. GOOD things happen to people that I cared about while I dated Jack Bauer."

Oh, and I forgot the clincher: Since I started dating Jack Bauer, people think I'm hot . . . despite my penis nose.

Audrey, I am coming back to you, and I am bringing Josh with me - whether you like it or not. Honey, I'm home!

by Audrey Raines