Carnival of Bauer

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Movin On Up

Blogs4Bauer has moved to

The new site allows you to customize your Blogs4Bauer experience with character specific themes (Jack, Kim, Marwan, and Tony). We also are working on a Blogs4Bauer wiki site that anyone can contribute to. There's also a link to the Bauer Forums where you can discuss all things Bauer.

Oh, and the new site will never be down for maintenance during a live-blog session.

Que Weezy.

Well we're movin' on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin' on up
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.

Fish don't fry in the kitchen;
Beans don't burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta tryin'
Just to get up that hill.
Now we're up in the big leagues
Gettin' our turn at bat.
As long as we live, it's you and me baby
There ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.

Our "Deluxe Apartment" is located at

We hope you will change your bookmarks, links, and underwear.

See you there!

More Fun With The Simpson's

Part of the marketing campaign for the upcoming Simpson's movie has them teaming up with Burger King to allow people to "Simpsonize" themselves in lovely 2D. Last week we posted the Simpsonized Jack Bauer, Edgar Stiles, and Michelle Dessler. Now, here's this week's crew: Tony Almeida and Chloe.

Tony Almeida

Tony Almeida returns for Season 7 of 24. After being injected with a lethal dose of drugs during Day 5, Tony was checked into the Lindsay Lohan Memorial wing of the Betty Ford clinic for help.
During his stay, Tony had the best intense care and therapy including hypnosis and Chinese water torture money could buy. He emerged free of drugs but unfortunately still a Chicago Cubs fan (note the Cubs mug).

Chloe O'Brian

Chloe was easy, turns out most Simpson's characters have potato heads and snarls on their faces.

Other 24 characters who could be "Simpsonized": President Palmer I and II, Marwan, Kim Bauer, George Mason, Curtis, Victor Drazen, Behrooz, and many others.

Click Here to Bauerize your own Simpson's scene and we will post them here. Just send Jack Bauer an email and include the picture and a short story if you like.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Agent Pierce goes AWOL

I'm the happiest girl in the world! This is my first post as an official member of Blogs4Bauer; I was invited to join today by the wacky boys over here. Part of my job in the real world is blogging about television for Remote Access, the television blog for Journal News.

So what better way to start off my Blogs4Bauer career than by providing news about our beloved — and beleaguered — show?

Our favorite Secret Service Agent, Aaron Pierce, apparently will not return to 24 next season. Glenn Morshower is joining the NBC drama Friday Night Lights as "Landry's father, a state champion Panthers alum turned local lawman." Not having ever watched FNL, I have no idea who Landry is, but I see Morshower's destined for a life of typecasting. Of course, after the Season 6 crapapalooza ... (honestly, I just wanted an excuse to say "crapapalooza" again, this sentence wasn't going anywhere.)

But WWMLD? (That means "What Will Martha Logan Do?")

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: A Chick President? That's a bad good idea!
by : President Thomas "Tug" Benson

I've been told that as a former fictional president, I've got a thing or two to say about any future fictional presidents. Well I think that women should play roles that were made for women, like First Ladies. My wife, Cheryl played a good first lady. Did I mention that I like chicken soup or is it steak? For that matter who is this Cheryl person and what the hell have your done with my wife?

Sorry, got a little sidetracked, I took shrapnel to the head at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians. Where was I? To hell with that why am I not wearing pants?

Like I was saying, having a female president on 24 is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... it's just wrong. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals and that's why we should not have a woman president on 25.

Or 24 for that matter. What were we talking about?

Sunday, July 22, 2007

24 Ways Jack Bauer is Carbon Neutral

It’s not enough that Jack has to save the world from every flavor of terrorist known to man, now he has to save man from mankind.

Read the 24 ways that Jack is carbon neutral here.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Simpsonize 24!

Apparently there's some movie coming out about a cartoon family...The Sampsons or something like that. Well I hear that it's pretty popular. Part of their impressive marketing campaign has them teaming up with Burger King to allow people to "Simpsonize" themselves in lovely 2D.

So I Simpsonized Jack Bauer...or Bauerized the Simpsons, however you want to look at it. I know he's been on 24, but this one is my creation.

My made-up Simpson's storyline has Jack Bauer capturing Itchy and tortured him after Scratchy informed Bauer that the little mouse knew something about a hidden nuke. Only after a hilarious routine where Jack tosses Itchy a chunk of cheese with a plutonium isotope pill and he melts down, does he realize that Scratchy is a mole. So Jack takes the melted corpse of Itchy and rams it down Scratchy's throat. Jack then grabs Scratchy's spleen, which is then pulled out and shoved into Scratchy's left ear and out the right one in a flossing manner. The End.

Click Here to Bauerize your own Simpson's scene and we will post them here. Just send Jack Bauer an email and include the picture and a short story if you like.

Edgar Stiles

The date: 7/7/07 10:30am
Word spread that Kwik E-Mart was giving away free Squishees. CTU sent Edgar Stiles to investigate.
The date: 7/7/07 11:30am
Kwik E-Mart announces that there are no more free Squishees, ever. Mission accomplished.

Michelle Dessler (by Steve E)

Even in Simpson's form, Michelle Dessler is drop-dead hot. I'm not feeling all that creative today, but I'll pass along her tracking down some terrorist at the nuclear plant.

24 Makes History at the Emmy Awards

Blogs4Bauer would like to congratulate the Emmy Award staff for their unprecedented move to nominate 24 in every major category! We're pretty sure they received the box Jack sent over as a reminder of how awesome he truly is.

Here's a list of the nominations:
-- Drama Series: "Boston Legal," ABC; "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; "24," Fox ; "Heroes," NBC; "House," Fox; "The Sopranos," HBO.
-- Comedy Series: "Entourage," HBO; "The Office," NBC; "30 Rock, NBC; ";"24," Fox; "Ugly Betty," ABC.
-- Miniseries: "Broken Trail," AMC; "Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS; "The Starter Wife," USA; "24," Fox.
-- Made-for-TV Movie: "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO; "24," Fox; "Inside the Twin Towers," Discovery Channel; Longford," HBO; "The Ron Clark Story," TNT; "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectom
y," Lifetime.
-- Actor, Drama Series: James Spader, "Boston Legal," ABC; Hugh Laurie, "House," Fox; Denis Leary, "Rescue Me," FX; James Gandolfini, "The Sopranos," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Actress, Drama Series: Sally Field, "Brothers & Sisters," ABC; Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer," TNT; Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," NBC; Patricia Arquette, "Medium," NBC; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; "Edie Falco, "The Sopranos," HBO.
-- Supporting Actor, Drama Series: William Shatner, "Boston Legal," ABC; T.R. Knight, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Masi Oka, "Heroes," NBC; Michael Emerson, "Lost," ABC; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Michael Imperioli, "The Sopranos," HBO.
-- Supporting Actress, Drama Series: Rachel Griffiths, "Brothers & Sisters," ABC; Katherine Heigl, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Chandra Wilson, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Sandra Oh, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Aida Turturro, "The Sopranos," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Actor, Comedy Series: Tony Shalhoub, "Monk," USA; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Steve Carell, "The Office," NBC; Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock," NBC; Charlie Sheen, "Two and a Half Men," CBS.
-- Actress, Comedy Series: Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "The New Adventures of Old Christine," CBS; Tiny Fey, "30 Rock," NBC; America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty," ABC; Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds," Showtime.
-- Supporting Actor, Comedy Series: Kevin Dillon, "Entourage," HBO; Jeremy Piven, "Entourage," HBO; Neil Patrick Harris, "How I Met Your Mother," CBS; Rainn Wilson, "The Office," CBS; Jon Cryer, "Two and a Half Men," CBS; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Supporting Actress, Comedy Series: Jaime Pressly, "My Name Is Earl," NBC; Jenna Fischer, "The Office," NBC; Holland Taylor, "Two and a Half Men," CBS; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Vanessa Williams, "Ugly Betty," ABC; Elizabeth Perkins, "Weeds," Showtime.
-- Actor, Miniseries or a Movie: Robert Duvall, "Broken Trail," AMC; Tom Selleck, "Jesse Stone: Sea Change," CBS; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; "William H. Macy, "Nightmares & Dreamscapes: From the Stories of Stephen King Umney's Last Case," TNT; Matthew Perry, "The Ron Clark Story," TNT.
-- Actress, Miniseries or a Movie: Queen Latifah, "Life Support," HBO; Helen Mirren, "Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)," PBS; Mary-Louise Parker, "The Robber Bride," Oxygen; Debra Messing, "The Starter Wife," USA; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Supporting Actor, Miniseries or a Movie: Thomas Haden Church, "Broken Trail," AMC; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; "Aidan Quinn, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO; Edward Asner, "The Christmas Card," Hallmark; Joe Mantegna, "The Starter Wife," USA.
-- Supporting Actress, Miniseries or a Movie: Greta Scacchi, "Broken Trail," AMC; Anna Paquin, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO; Samantha Morton, "Longford," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Toni Collette, "Tsunami, The Aftermath," HBO

Monday, July 16, 2007

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Jack Bauer in Africa?

Toto sang about it, Shaft went to there, et tu Jack Bauer? The "writers" of 24 are trying to tie in a trip to Africa for Season 7 of 24.
Season 7 of 24 promises to be its tensest yet — at least on the set.

Execs at the Fox hit have scrapped virtually their entire story line for the season, delaying the start of production by roughly three weeks. According to sources, the 11th-hour time-out was called after the network put the kibosh on a costly plan to shoot a number of episodes in Africa.
I think you can sum it up with a simple "What the hell!" If Jack Bauer goes to Africa, it's for damn sure that he'll need better plots stashed away in his manpurse last season... Let's come up with some ideas for Jack's trip to Africa and help out the people at Fox who are obviously having a collective brain fart of ginormous proportions.

Possible Plots involving Jack Bauer in Africa:
-Season 7 mole lives in a pack of wildebeest
-Jack Bauer kills all rouge Russians, mobsters, and Muslims in North America, Australia, South America, Europe, and Asia. So he heads to Africa since Al Gore made Jack Bauer pledge to avoid Antarctica because his testosterone would do further damage to the ice caps
-Jack Bauer knows that Scar is behind the death of Mufasa and plans on torturing him until he confesses or cries like a girl (or both). Hakuna matata dammit!
-Kim Bauer gets cornered by a cheetah
-Jack Bauer sat through Madagascar and wants his damn money back
-The Sentinel II: African Adventure won't film itself.
-Jack wants to win Audrey over by getting her a diamond ring...a blood diamond ring.
-Jack's finally checking up on Luis Rakotozafy to see where his damn inheritance money is!
-Travels to Zimbabwe, meets Robert Mugabe, kicks his ass...twice

Got any other plot suggestions for the lackluster bunch of buffoons that call themselves writers? Post them in the comments section, we will pick the best and email them to Fox.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Some People Make Their Own Luck

Today is July 7th, 2007. For you numerologists out there, today is 7/7/07. And if you believe that nonsense, then today may be your lucky day. Of course, it also may not be, especially if you work for CTU: Los Angeles.

The Top Ten Signs Today Is Not Your Lucky Day

10. You have a mole on your cheek.
9. Morris O'Brian asks you to "cover" for him.
8. You call Josh Bauer a "pansy."
7. Nadia smiles at you.
6. You're ordered to take Jack into custody.
5. Chloe O'Brian is your new training officer.
4. You are currently dating Martha Logan.
3. Division assigned you to be Jack's new partner.
2. You are wearing a red "CTU Security" shirt.

And the number one sign today is not your lucky day . . .

1. You just had a one-night stand with Kim Bauer.