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Thursday, December 28, 2006

24 MythBuster: Jack Bauer's Unicorn

Here at Blogs4Bauer, we strive to provide you and other 24 fans with the most updated and factual information possible. Too many websites are putting out false rumors and outright lies about Jack Bauer and the upcoming season of 24.

Myth #24: Jack Bauer returns from China on a unicorn to fight terrorists.

I'm not sure who started this silly rumor; however there are 11,500 Google search hits for "'Jack Bauer' unicorn". First of all, unicorns are fake. Second, Jack Bauer will not need fake animals to take out this season's band of terrorists.
Some of you geeks out there would love to see Jack on the mythical creature wielding a +3 Magical Sword of Light while trying to save Chloe from dragons. Sorry, it's not going to happen, put down the 10-sided dice and get a life.

Next Myth: Jack Bauer did not kill Gerald Ford.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Point: I didn't know Jack Bauer was hosting a whine and cheese party.

Point: I wasn't invited to Jack Bauer's whine and cheese party.
-Snake Plissken

The name is Snake and I'm really getting tired of all of Jack Bauer's holier-than-thou bullshit. For too long, I've had to watch as Bauer saves the day in 24 hours, with a little less complaining and more killing it should have been saved in 22. I didn't know Jack Bauer was hosting a whine and cheese party; do I need to bring some brie? What's that? I'm not invited? Good.

I flew a glider during the Battle of Leningrad, a decorated hero for action in Siberia and Leningrad...the youngest man to be decorated by the President. After serving my country, I didn't get a nice CTU desk job. No, I got sent to New York Maximum Security Prison, otherwise known as Manhattan.
Then my country decided it needed me for a mission. Done.
and told me to fly a Gulfstream glider onto the Trade Center. Done.
and rescue the President. Done.
Did I get 24 hours? No, I got 22.

Jack Bauer's pretty hair, cell phone, Curtis, and manpurse are starting to annoy me. I had only had only Mac-10 and a glider to save the President.

My lifeclock is telling me that it's time for Jack Bauer to end his damn whine and cheese party. And f&$king I hate brie.

Counterpoint: Snake Plissken is a whiny little bitch.
By Lieutenant John McClane




Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - I know that YOU want to come back to me. by Heroin
Counterpoint - Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.By Adrenaline

Point - New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators. by CBS Anchor Katie Couric
Counterpoint - Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole. by Chloe O'Brian

Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!



Thursday, December 21, 2006

Jack Bauer's Birthday

December 21st is Jack Bauer's Birthday!

No one does Birthday parties like CTU.

Curtis: "Seriously Jack, the whole kidnap, months of torture, and clown thing seemed a whole lot funnier when we were planning it back at CTU".

Birthday Card for Jack Bauer
"sign" the birthday card below by leaving comments on this post. We will then forward them to Jack Bauer himself!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

TLJB Day - FAQ

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day - January 15

In one month, Jack Bauer returns to save the world for the sixth time.
What have you done lately?

With the four-hour start of Season 6, we are going to celebrate Talk Like Jack Bauer Day on January 15th. Yes, we ripped off Talk Like a Pirate Day, sue us. (Please don't actually sue us as we have no money.) We thought about having a Talk Like Edgar Day, but it just revolved around obscene amounts of Ho-Hos and crying. Talk Like Tony Day involved too many needles and participating in Talk Like Chloe Day would just end up pissing people off.

Here's a little "how-to" guide to talking like Jack Bauer on January 15th from your pals at Blogs4Bauer. If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us.

Q: I don't know how to "talk" like Jack Bauer.
You're already well on your way, since that was not a question and Jack does not have time for questions. Additionally, if you find yourself not knowing how to talk like Jack Bauer, it's acceptable to just act like Jack Bauer. That usually means lots of excessive force.

Q: What if someone gets upset with my Jack Bauer impersonation?
A: Act more upset or use excessive force.

Q: I told my boss' child that his father is dead in my best evil voice. What now?
A: Make sure you call his wife.

Q: What do I do if I get fired?
A: Remember, Jack Bauer has been fired many times, but he's never stopped working. If necessary, assume a secret identity for the rest of the day (using alliteration is advised) until they need you again.

How to act on Talk Like Jack Bauer Day
-Make sure to yell very simple requests.
-Take a helicopter to work.
-Issue threats that involve family members and/or body parts.
-Always mention that you're running out of time.
-Carry a manpurse. Wear aviators. Don't do drugs.
-Start each conversation with "I'm federal agent (your name), and today is the longest day of my life".
-Carry around zip ties and a pair of pliers (because you never know).
-Ask a coworker for either a hacksaw or lighter fluid.
-Keep a car battery and some jumper cables on your desk.
-Use your cell phone as much as possible. If the battery dies, just pretend it's still working.
-End phone calls by stating "remember, I'm in a Flank 2 position". Works well when you are on a conference call.
-Use at least 5 exclamation points in every email!!!!
-Ask "Who are you working for!?" to as many people as possible.
-Throw out a "Dammit" during the day, just for the hell of it.
-Drink each time you hear a co-worker say "Dammit".
-Make a mistake at work? Blame Nina Myers.
-Request everything be sent to your PDA (works best if you don't have one).
-Accuse co-workers and/or children of being moles.
-Make sure to let your co-workers catch you looking at Google Earth maps of their houses. When they ask why, tell them that you've tracked a terrorist cell to that location.

Samples
Co-worker: How was your weekend?
You: damnit Bob, we don't have time for simple questions.
Co-worker: I just asked about your weekend.
You: Dammit. Who are you working for?
Co-worker: Never mind, forget I asked.

Co-worker: Hey man. Did you already get breakfast?
You: I've killed 3 people today and no I've yet to eat breakfast. Dammit!
Co-worker: Is that a threat?
You: That's not a threat, that's a fact.

Boss: Hey, where are the reports I asked for?
(pull out stapler, move towards boss)
You: I think the question you should be asking is how are you going to read the reports after I staple your eyelids to your desk!

(If a co-worker tries to talk to you while you're using the urinal, finish up, flush, walk over to the sink, wash your hands, and remove a paper towel from the dispenser.)
You: You probably don't think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I'd hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It's very painful. (Reference)

Co-worker: Hey, can you cover for me? I need to run an errand.
You: Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you're still conscious is that I don't want to do your work for you.

Finally, remember that for the whole 24 hours of Talk Like Jack Bauer Day, you cannot go to the bathroom or charge a cell phone. Also, it should only take you a maximum of 3 minutes to get anywhere you are going.

If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us and we may incorporate them on a future TLJBD post.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Meet Your New CTU Director: Paul Teutel Sr

Meet Your New CTU Director: Paul Teutel Sr

At last, a CTU Director equal to Jack Bauer. We can look forward the following inspirational bits of dialog:

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: Chloe, we don't have time for your f**king personality disorder! Come over here and stand in front of me so I can hit you in the back of the head.

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: Audrey, get your horse face upstairs and find my drill bits.
Audrey Raines: I want you to apologize for calling me horse face.
CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr..: I apologize for calling you horse face. Now get your horse face up there and find my fookin' bits!

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: I want you out of my CTU, Jack. I'm not going ask twice, cos the second time I'll use my size 12.

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: Just do it! Instead of dicking around, like you always do!
Bill Buchanan: Somebody's got PMS.

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr: OK, Which one of you red shirts let the terrorists get into the CTU. What the f**k is wrong with you?
Red Shirt: We were keeping the facility secure...
CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr: Twinkle-dinkle-dinkle! You never secured a facility in your life!

All right, he's not the new CTU Director. But come on, Ricky Freaking Schroeder?

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays from the crew at Blogs4Bauer

Click Here for your gift.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day


January 15th is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day.
More details to follow.

Keep your zip ties and lighter fluid handy.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

We hate to brag, but . . .

Monday, November 27, 2006

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Jack Bauer Law #113

From a 24 commercial played during Prison Break
Man: You're hurting me!
Jack Bauer: Trust me....I'm not

Jack Bauer Law #113: You're not in pain until Jack Bauer tells you are in pain.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Stupid 24 Questions

Do you think the writers were laughing when they had Jack literally taking a slow boat to China?

Will President Logan be sent to federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison?

Has Jack Bauer ever laughed?

Who misses Kim Bauer?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Well, it's official. Jack Bauer has conceded to both Hillary Clinton in new York and Joe Lieberman in Connecticut. Bauer for Senate 2006 is folding up camp, and making a run for the border. With Nancy Pelosi in charge, there shouldn't be any problem crossing it. Hopefully, this won't be Jack's last foray into politics. If the following excerpts are any indication, Jack really has a knack for the bloodthirsty political game.

Top Ten Things Overheard at Bauer 2006 Campaign Headquarters

10. "Chloe is drowning her sorrows in extra virgin olive oil!"
9. "I can't believe Curtis voted for Ned Lamont."
8. "Who ordered the tuna on toast with extra ricin?"
7. "Our poles are rising. Heh, heh."
6. "Get me the address of Hillary Clinton's parents, right now!"
5. "Mr. Bauer, the concierge wants to know what happened to the piano wire."
4. "If people keep voting for Clinton, I'm gonna take their final exit poll."
3. "Kennedy got re-elected? Those idiots would elect Nina Myers."
2. "Fox News just called the race for Clinton. Would you like your rifle now, Jack?"

And the number one thing overheard at Bauer 2006 Campaign Headquarters is . . .

1. "Only two people voted for me? I kill more than that before 7am!"

Bauer Concedes Senate Race, Heads to Mexico

Bauer Concedes Senate Race, Heads to Mexico
With 99% of precincts reporting, we are sad to report that Jack Bauer will not represent New York in the US Senate. Unless the 1% of precincts includes about 2,787,165 people loyal to Jack Bauer, the fight is over for now.

Jack Bauer mailed Clinton his gun and CTU badge as a sign of concession and headed to Mexico with only his manpurse and aviators.

Bauer campaign manager, Tony Almedia called for a recount, but Chloe told him to "stop being so stupid" and told Jack that the fight was indeed over. Bauer's campaign was hurt by moles inside the campaign, terrorists, and his daughter.

There are rumors that Jack Bauer will run for president in 2008, but we all know that he doesn't have time to for rumors.

Monday, November 06, 2006

This is a video reminder to write-in "Jack Bauer" for Senate in NY and CT.


Here is how to cast your vote for Bauer in NY (using one of the old lever-style machine)
1) Enter the voting booth
2) There should be a pen or pencil attached to the booth
3) Check your flank 2 position
4) Slide back the lever on top of voting cell #4
5) Write in "Jack Bauer"
6) Pull the lever when you are done voting.

Vote Bauer - NY/CT Senate

This is a followup to our original call to run Jack Bauer for Senate of both NY and CT.


Jack Bauer wants to remind NY and CT voters to head to the polls and write in "Jack Bauer" for Senate. Tired of political ads? Vote Jack Bauer, he doesn't go negative - he gets even.

Today's NY Daily News details the process of writing Jack Bauer on to victory:
The process is simple, if not always clear, in New York City: On the far left side of every ballot, a write-in "window" can be found next to each office.

Just push the silver button at the top of the write-in column, slide open a door that covers the window in which you want to write and pencil in whatever name strikes your fancy.
In all seriousness, I plan on writing in "Jack Bauer" as a protest to the GOP for providing New Yorkers no real choice for Senate other than Hillary.

So let's try and get Jack Bauer enough votes to garner a news report or two.

Who's with me?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

A 24 Wish List

Since the upcoming season of 24 will almost certainly involve China (as well as uber-villain Eddie Izzard), I had an idea for the casting director.

BSG's Grace Park would be perfect as Jack's love interest.

Just a thought.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Liveblogging - 24 Trailer Talk


Liveblogging - 24 Trailer Talk
Fox will air a sneak peek at Season 6 today at 3:00pm EST with a web clip. They're also showing it over the jumbo-tron in Times Square, which makes no sense.

Check back here at 3pm as Blogs4Bauer will live-blog the preview and follow-up with a kill counter and analysis.

24 - Season 6 Sneak Peek - 3:00pm EST

Here's a little something to tide you over till then.


Watch the webclip here!
(just hit the play button twice after the Toyota commercial)

(Hat tip - jwookie for the clip)
3:00:04 - Jack Bauer PSA - "Our fans rock". Where's the B4B mention?
3:00:18 - President Wayne Palmer!!!.....Hell Yeh. Adams, Roosevelt, Bush, and Palmer
3:00:23 - Muslim suicide bombers in the first 20 seconds of the trailer. Someone call CAIR.
A Threat Will Rise
Fear Will Grow

3:00:23 - Explosion #1
3:00:23 - Explosion #2
3:00:34 - Buchanan just said 114 people died in St. Louis. Damn and they never got to see the Cardinals win the World Series. Ohh and the kill counter for the trailer just exploded like a terrorist heading to meet his 72 virgins.
3:00:35 - Explosion #3
Our Only Hope (let me guess - Jack Bauer?)
"Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing. Today I can die for something" - Jack Bauer
3:00:46 - HOLY Jeebus.... Jack Bauer has a mullet.
3:00:48 - Jack Bauer looks like Dr. Richard Kimble
3:00:51 - Everyone now: Bacardi...and Cola
3:00:56 - For all you ladies, Jack Bauer without a shirt
3:01:06 - Explosion #4
3:01:09 - Explosion #5
3:01:10 - Did Token just say "thousands of civilians are dead"? Season 6 Kill Counter just surrendered.
For America to Survive
3:01:12 - Jack Bauer on the subway.
3:01:14 - For all you nerds, Chloe is back.
3:01:15 - "Jack Bauer has to be sacrificed" How many times have they played out that storyline?
Jack Bauer
3:01:20 - Jack Bauer sans mullet.
Must
Die

3:01:26 - Explosion #6
3:01:35 - Jack Bauer yelling.
3:01:45 - Explosion #7
3:01:45 - This season, we stop counting bodies. Instead we count explosions. I count 7 already.

Summary: America is under attack from terrorists. Jack Bauer is our only hope. Along the way, things blow up and people die. Jack Bauer is betrayed and faces death. Jack Bauer also yells a bunch.

What did you think?


Saturday, October 14, 2006

Counterpoint: Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.
By Adrenaline

Well, well, well, look who came crawling back: Heroin. You miss Jack Bauer? I can't say that I am surprised, but I can say that you're wasting your breath. Jack is with me now, and we have a bond stronger than any needle or tourniquet. With me, Jack gets high on life . . . and fresh corpses. I am there for him, and I support him. When Jack is feeling down, I don't offer him a syringe; I suggest we go snap the neck of a terrorist. When Jack is bored, I offer him a mole's nipples and a live wire. And you? Just take a look at your history with Jack:

You never treated Jack right. How many times did you call him the day after your get-togethers? Did you even call to say you got home safely? He was worried sick!

You embarrassed him when you showed up drunk at the CTU ball. Cripes, you made a grand entrance in your backless gown, and then tripped over Bill Buchanan during your inebriated twirl!

You cheated on him numerous times with floozies like Kate Moss and Samwise Gamgee's sister. How many times did you call Jack "Marion Barry?" Ten? Fifteen?

Jack is over you, and now you need to get on with your life. I trust you received your LP records and your love letters. Now, please leave my Jack alone.

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me
by Heroin

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me
by Heroin

Hey Jack Bauer, remember me? I'm sure you do, we spent a lot of time together. I know you don't have much time so I'll get to the point. Jack, I know you want to come back to me, come on and chase the dragon just once more.

Jack, we had some fun in Mexico - yes we did, denial is the first sign of a real problem that can only be cured by some sweet chiva. Remember that time you were on a 2 day bender and ran nude through that village outside Culiacán? How about when you spent an hour interrogating a goat on the whereabouts of The Three Amigos? He almost broke, maybe next time buddy. How about now?

You're under a great deal of stress, that's why you should let a little black tar take the edge off. It couldn't hurt your current situation - in the hull of a ship headed to China.

What are you waiting for, we don't have much time? The dragon won't chase itself.

Counterpoint: Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.
By Adrenaline


Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators. by CBS Anchor Katie Couric
Counterpoint - Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole. by Chloe O'Brian

Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!




Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Season 6 Trailer


You are on notice. Mondays starting in January are now booked.

Season 6 Premier
Sunday January 14th (8-10pm EST)
Monday January 15th (8-10pm EST)
Hours 5-24 will air Monday's at 9pm EST uninterrupted until May!

Also, in 13 days Fox releases the first look at Season 6.

A web-only trailer will be aired on:
http://www.24trailer.com/

Blogs4Bauer will live-blog the trailer and post our review/kill counter shortly after.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Top Ten Jack Bauer Pet Peeves

10. Smoking.
9. Lack of posting on Blogs4Bauer.
8. Rude people.
7. Eyeballs that don't pop out in one piece.
6. Long lines at the airport.
5. Long lines at the CTU armory.
4. Fat chicks.
3. When Curtis plays his 50 Cent CD too loud.
2. People who put ketchup on a hot dog.

And the number one Jack Bauer pet peeve is . . .

1. When Steinway won't sell you loose piano wire.

Friday, October 06, 2006

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day


September 19 - International Talk Like a Pirate Day
December 14 - Talk Like George Bush Day
It's time that we honor Jack Bauer by spending a day making co-workers and loved ones nervous by talking like him.

To get the ball started, we need a date to set aside for "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day". Please vote or suggest a day in the comments section.




What Date Should Become "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day"?
December 21 - Jack Bauer's Birthday
November 1 - Day of the Dead (Mexico)
November 7 - Election Day
February 26
March 12
April 23
January 14 - Season 6 Premier
November 6 - Season 1 Premier
December 7 - Pearl Harbor Day
Other

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian

Jack Bauer running for Senator of New York and Connecticut is a bad idea. So says that sugary pixie Katie Couric. Couric is so sweet that I go into diabetic shock every time she broadcasts. We get it Katie; you're perky! That may have been swell when you were a high school cheerleader. But now? NO ONE CARES!

We were all really impressed when you were handed the CBS News spot on a silver platter. Did a law degree come as a side dish? Don't you worry whether or not Jack Bauer's campaign is legal. As Emporer Palpatine said, "I will make it legal."

On top of this you have the temerity to say that a "true" New Yorker should be elected to the Senate. I guess Hillary is sporting genuine Manhattan cankles? Cripes, she is more of a carpetbagger than The Man from GOP and the City! Jack is well versed in over a dozen languages: I doubt "Bronx" would be too difficult for him.

And finally, you throw out the same tired argument; that Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath. If anything, Mr. Bauer is proud of his violent record. Hell, who do you think would really represent the people of New York: a violent psychopath, or a bloated former attorney from Arkansas? I think the answer is clear.

Oh, and Katie, just so you know, you're husband isn't dead. He couldn't stand your constant blathering, so Jack smuggled him out of the country and faked his death. Chew on that.

"Courage."

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric


Hi, and thank you for tuning in to the Couric Power Hour. My name is Katie Couric, Dan Rather no longer works here.

Jack Bauer is running for Senator of both New York and Connecticut and I think it's a very bad idea. Bad for New York, even worse for Connetiucut, and even more worse for the Senate. New York and Connecticut need their own senators; Jack Bauer should stick with what he does best - whatever that is.

First of all, is this stunt even legal? I've never heard of anyone being a Senator from two different states. Even if being a senator from two different states is ok, being a Senator from two different states at the same time is probably against the rules.

Second, I would like to know if Jack Bauer could represent the people of New York and Connecticut. He happens to be from California and has spent the past 5 seasons between Mexico, California, and a brief time in a whore house in Nevada. I know that New York needs a senator that is a true New Yorker and is not running for Senate just to make a run at a higher office.

Third, Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath with no known people skills; he has no place in a law-abiding institution like our Congress. We know what Jack Bauer is capable of with a towel, hacksaw, and a box of Peanut M&Ms. Where does this translate to an ability to create meaningful legislation? Jack Bauer cannot get a bill to become law by simply torturing it.

With these arguments in hand, I hope that the people of New York and Connecticut avoid the media hype surrounding their candidate for Senate and vote for whom they think will do a good job representing the common person from their state. That would be Ned Lamont and Hillary Clinton, not Jack Bauer.

Good Night and Good Luck, Courage.

-Katie Couric

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Top Ten Questions Asked Of CTU Applicants

10. Have you ever been convicted of a felony in the United States?
9. Would you accept a position with CTU Security? We have several openings.
8. Are you offended by gratuitous torture?
7. Do you have a list of references?
6. Do you think it is morally wrong to impale a terrorist?
5. Do you have morals?
4. How many assault weapons do you currently own?
3. Are you now or have you ever been a mole?
2. Is love the answer? (Trick hippie question.)

And the number one question asked of CTU applicants is . . .

1. How long does it take you to dismember a body, and can we time you here?

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A message from Jack Bauer

A Message from Candidate for Senator of NY and CT, Jack Bauer

As a proud father of a special little girl, I'm outraged at CBS for their use of my daughter, Kim Bauer, to promote their new news anchor, Katie Couric. As you can see below, the editors at their internal magazine (Watch!) "photoshopped" my daughter's face over Couric's to.

This is an insult to my family that cannot go unpunished.

I'm not going to demand that CBS apologize, that's not the way Jack Bauer works. Apologizing would be just too easy to do.

A note to interns at CBS: Do not operate the water cooler on the 14th floor if you want to be able to look at your mother and not give her nightmares. Also, don't flush the toilet in the second stall in the men's room on the 18th floor. You may want to not print to the color printer on the 23rd floor. Try to not use the revolving doors in the front lobby. Oh, and don't touch the bagels in the main conference room. Finally, be on the lookout for an exploding stapler, I forgot where I left it - it's a black Swingline.

CBS, you are running out of time and I just found a hacksaw.

-Jack

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Bauer 2006 Bumper Sticker Contest - Cont.

Bauer 2006 Bumper Sticker Contest - Continued

Jack Bauer has the look, the desire, and the guns needed to run for Senate. What he doesn't have is a bumper sticker. That's where you come in.

Your Mission: Design a bumper sticker for Bauer2006
1) Develop a bumper sticker for Jack Bauer's 2006 run for the Senate in NY and CT.
2) Either create a post and send us a link or email your design to us.
3) All entries should be submitted by Friday (9/8).
On Friday (9/14), we will host a poll to choose a winner. The winning bumper sticker design will be placed on CafePress for sale. Any proceeds will be donated to AnySoldier, Inc.

Bumper Sticker Contest Entries

- Esbiem




- Esbiem




- Doug Morris




-Catscape









-Catscape

Monday, August 28, 2006

Emmy Counter

Jack Bauer has one question for Ned Lamont. How many Emmy Awards have you won?



And it would have been 3 Emmy Awards for Jack Bauer if the technical award for Outstanding Use of an Exploding Memory Stick had not gone to that jerk in House.



Previously
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont
Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run
Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer will man the border fence
Bauer2006 Platform #5 - No Black Helicopters
Bauer2006 Platform #6 - This Is My Daughter
Bauer2006 Platform #7 - One Sure Thing In My Administration Will Be Death And Taxes
And Now, A Message From Your Candidate

Sunday, August 27, 2006

And Now, A Message From Your Candidate

Hello, I'm Jack Bauer, and I would like to talk to you about my New York opponent, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Ms. Clinton believes that diplomacy and understanding will keep America safe. I am here to tell you that diplomacy and understanding are what got this country into its predicament in the first place. Diplomacy and understanding brought about 9-11. Diplomacy and understanding brought about Iran's nuclear arms race. And diplomacy and understanding is what my opponent used when she forgave her husband, The President of the United States, after he committed adultery and perjury.

What kind of person lets their lover get away with such nonsense? Now, I know what you are thinking: "Jack, Nina Myers had a hand in kidnapping your family, murdered your wife, and committed treason." All of this is true, but I "forgave" my lover by shooting her multiple times in the chest and head. Apology accepted.

As your United States Senator, I will avoid diplomacy and understanding. I vow to speak softly, and carry a very big gun: one that holds lots and lots of bullets.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Bauer2006 Platform #7 - One Sure Thing In My Administration Will Be Death And Taxes

Specifically, more death and fewer taxes. The Bauer Administration will fight not only to bring back the death penalty in New York and Connecticut, but it will also promise to initiate it as often as the law allows. The death penalty is not a deterrent because it is not used nearly enough. As Senator, Jack Bauer will twist as many necks as necessary to implement its use. Mr. Bauer has also hinted at changing the death penalty to the more humane guillotine.

The Bauer Administration will also firefight to cut your taxes. The money saved on the guillotine alone will offset the skyrocketing cost of electricity and lethal injections. This is money that Jack Bauer will pass on to the law-abiding citizen. In Mr. Bauer's proposed new tax code, anyone convicted of a crime will shoulder more than 75 percent of the states' total taxes. Those without a rap sheet will split the remaining 25 percent. And since felons cannot legally vote, they have no say in the matter. How can you go wrong?

Jack Bauer 2006: Don't Fear The Reaper . . . Or The Tax Man.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Bauer2006 Platform #6 - This Is My Daughter.

Vote Bauer.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Bauer2006 Platform #5

Bauer2006 Platform #5 - No Black Helicopters

Republican candidate for Senate in New York "K.T." McFarland claims that Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) was using black helicopters to spy on her. What did McFarland do about these helicopters? She went to the media like any typical politician would do.

What would Jack Bauer do about black helicopters spying on him? Go to the media or take care of the situation himself? That's right, Jack Bauer would simply take out his handgun and shoot the helicopter(s) down. Just to make things fair, he could even shoot with his eyes closed.

Jack Bauer will shoot first, asking questions is for sissies.


Previous
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont
Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run
Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer will man the border fence

Sunday, August 13, 2006

The Top Ten Bauer 2006 Campaign Promises

10. All moles will be hunted down and killed. For now, squirrels are okay.
9. Public schools will replace soccer fields with shooting ranges.
8. Read my lips: no new terrorists.
7. Handguns will be mandatory for every citizen.
6. Blogs posting pictures of Kim Bauer will be immediately erased.
5. Chloe O'Brian will be named Secretary of Frowning and Sarcasm.
4. The Pittsburgh Penguins will move to Hartford and be renamed the Whalers.
3. New York will reinstate the death penalty: strangulation by piano wire.
2. Christopher Henderson will be reanimated as a cyborg cop.

And the number one Bauer 2006 campaign promise is . . .

1. Edgar Stiles will be posthumously awarded Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Champion.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Michelle, We Hardly Knew Ye

It has come to the attention of the staff at B4B that the only woman currently pictured in a front page post is Hillary "The Hill-dabeast" Clinton.

This cannot stand.

And since Elisha Cuthbert mentions RFTR and "Restraining Order" in the same breath nowadays, I figure we could use a dose of vitamin Dessler. Enjoy!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer Will Man The Border Fence.

Unlike Hillary Clinton and Ned Lamont, Jack Bauer does not vacillate when it comes to border security. Illegal immigration is a national problem, not just an Arizona or California problem. In that vein, when Jack Bauer is elected U.S. Senator (CT/NY), he has not only promised to build a border fence: he has promised to man it!

The Jack Bauer Plan is two-fold. First, he will lobby (read: beat down any opposition) for a 50-foot high, electrified, razor-wire fence along the entire border - including the east and west coasts. Sorry, surfer hippies, the beaches are now closed! This plan will eradicate illegal immigrants from coming into the U.S. from Mexico, Canada, and the oceans. You never know who or what will wash ashore nowadays.

Second, Jack Bauer will take time out of his busy day - as if U.S. Senators ever do anything productive - to personally man the border fence, armed with a Louisville Slugger and a case of Schlitz. In a classic example of bravado, Jack will also place an Eveready battery on his shoulder, and dare any immigrant to knock it off. Bring it on, immigrants! Jack dares you.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Bauer2006 - Solid Snake Endorsement

Bauer 2006 Endorsements
Solid Snake


In his heart of hearts, Jack Bauer is a soldier. He has been tested on the battlefields of combat and of life, and has come out of both the better person for it. Jack Bauer is the right man for this - and any - job.

Sure, sometimes Jack lets his emotions get in the way - I remember the time he helped me brutally beat Revolver Ocelot outside an abandoned Russian factory - but his heart is always in the right place. Jack Bauer fights for freedom, and during that fight, sometimes your hands get dirty (read: bloody).

I heartily endorse my brother in arms for Senator of Connecticut and New York.

Bauer2006 - Endorsement #1


Bauer2006 Endorsements
Private First Class Bill Rizer
Private First Class Lance Bean


Hi, I'm PFC Rizer my buddy is PFC Bean - you know us as Contra. All the following important messages are belong to us.

When we get into a firefight with Red Falcon and all we have are some Spread Guns, there's only one person we want as backup, Jack Bauer.

With Jack Bauer in a political fight of his own, he needs our help. Are you willing to sit by and let him battle alone? No!

We endorse Jack Bauer in his run for Senate in both NY and CT.