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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Point: Jack Bauer is Dead

Point: I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer!
by Christopher Henderson

Jack Bauer has been a pain in the ass for far too long. Someone needs to put a stop to his antics so I can start repairing my marriage. Therefore, I'm going to kill Jack Bauer.

Honey, I know we have had some rough times lately and I really do think with a little physical therapy your limp will hardly be noticeable. Just remember that it was that damn Jack Bauer who shot you just above the kneecap. Trust me, once I finish off Jack Bauer I will explain my actions and why we should find a new mall to shop at. Well, I've got to go; Jack Bauer won't kill himself you know!

Grrr, Jack Bauer! When will people realize that Jack Bauer is a menace and needs to be taken out (for real this time)? With Jack Bauer out of the picture, Miriam and I can take over Los Angeles and rule the city with an iron fist. I can already see a new Los Angeles without Jack Bauer, CTU, and the LA Clippers. There will be Olive Gardens on every street corner and we will rename all the Carl's Jr restaurants to "Hardees".

With President Logan, Audrey, and Evelyn's daughter with me, who can stop us? We'll succeed where Habib Marwan, Nina Myers, Ramon Salazar, Vladimir Bierko, Max, Joseph Fayed, Sherry Palmer, Ira Gaines, Joseph Wald, Anton Beresch, Stephen Saunders, Marshall Goren, Eddie Grant, Michael Amador, Victor Drazen, Syed Ali, Peter Kingsley, and many others failed. Nothing will stop us. NOTHING! NOTHING!

Counterpoint: Henderson, You're As Good As Dead!
by The Grim Reaper





Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it!
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

4 comments:

Citizen Grim said...

"Errr, Jack Bauer!"

This should have read "Grrr, Jack Bauer, grrrr!!"

The Man said...

Grrr, Grim it is done.

Bombtruck said...

Counterpoint-Nuclear Bomb from season 2:

Hey Chris, if I couldn't kill Jack Bauer, what makes you think YOU can, huh? Why don't you quit your bitchin', Robocop?

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