TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between Midnight and 1:00 am

12:00:00 to 12:11:46

Weaselman nervously paces in the Weaselcave, when the Weaselphone activates. It's Biff Henderson, calling to conveniently reiterate the plot points covered in the "previously on '24'" segment. In a nutshell, the Dept of Homeland Security is concentrating on finding Jack Bauer, but being the DHS, most of their effort is focused on strip-searching 80 year old grandmas and 2 year old girls because they don't want to be accused of profiling. After pulling up census data on the number of grandmas and toddlers in the Greater LA area, Frau Blucher is concerned that they'll never find Jack. Then, the HLS Dick got an idea. An awful idea. The HLS Dick had a wonderful, awful idea.

Meanwhile, Jack hands off Shaft to Chiggy. Chiggy breaks left (much as the show will do later on in the all about the oil plot twist)... he's at the 30... the 20 ... the 10...!

Meanwhile, SecDef Hellfeld arrives at the airport to meet his daughter S4GF just as a Police car comes screaming onto the scene. The scenario of Audrey's figutive boyfriend arriving in a police car is all-to-familiar to Hellfeld, who remembers when she ran with the O-town crips. Jack, S4GF and Hellfeld proceed into the hangar, where Jeff plays the audio from the tape he found of Weaselman confessing. "Does it feel good when I touch you there? It does, doesn't it? How about there?" "Sorry, wrong track," Jack says, then plays the actual confession. In response, Hellfeld throat chops him, steals his iPod, and leaves Jack and S4GF handcuffed together. (Which reminds S4GF of the weekend they spent in the Catskills, except Jack had a leather hood.)

Hellfeld doesn't think exposing Weaselman's perfidy is the right answer. "He assassinated David Palmer and he gave nerve gas to terrorists. I'm gong to reason with him and expect him to do what's best for the country."


12:15:56 to 12:25:52

Anita Hill, wearing a wire, a long silver wire, lies to Chloe. "Frau Blucher and HLS Dick found Audrey's location. She fell out of the bloomers of an 82 year old Jewish grandmother from Encino while they were strip-searching her. They've sent a tac team to her location... which they know... her location." Chloe falls for the trap and tries to warn S4GF. Frau Blucher and HLS Dick listen in, trace her call to the Van Nuys Airport, and have Chloe arrested by the paleblueshirts.

Frau Blucher calls Weaselman, "Jack Bauer has been found at the Van Nuys Airport." Weaselman calls Biff Henderson. "Jack Black has been found at the Van Nuys Airport." Frau Blucher calls Dick Cheney. "Jack Black has been found with a can of nice spare pork." Dick Cheney calls General Disarray. "Jack Black has round fat cans, and some nice spare pork." "What the hell are you talking about?" General Disarray asks him. At which point, Dick Cheney becomes confuse and asks Weaselman what's going on, but Weaselman just asks him to pray with him again, so Dick Cheney goes back to cleaning his hunting rifle.


12:30:04 -- 12:36:18

Chloe, in the holding pen, is confronted by HLS Dick. "This situation is more complicated then you realize." "So, why didn't you tell me?" "Because you're an idiot." "Well, you think the rules don't apply to you because you're smarter than we are, but they do, and you're not." HLS Dick then proceeds to eat a big red candle. (Okay, new nickname for HLS Dick is Brick Tamlin.) Brick Tamlin turns to leave and Chloe discreetly grabs him and pickpockets his CTU Shoppers Club Card. "Don't touch me," Brick Tamlin says, "Nothing gives you that right!" As soon as he is gone, Chloe uses the card to escape... the completely ineffective CTU security system is actually helpful for a change.

12:40:32 -- 12:48:13

Mary Todd snuggles up to Red Foreman. "I have to know, what are those dumbasses up to?" Red Foreman tells her, "Meet me by the stables in ten minutes. It'll be just you, me, and the moon. Wear a tie so I'll know which one is you." But when she gets there, all she finds is his cell phone lying on the ground. "The Rapture happened!"

Back in the Weaselcave, Hellfeld corners the Weasel. "Why'd you do it, Chuck?" Hellfeld asks. "For the oil," Weasel answers. "You better resign, your chair is not a throne." "Yes, if it were a throne, it would flush."

Meanwhile, Jack Bauer plots a daring escape. "I saw this on Prison Break," he says, and proceeds to use a steampipe to melt through his restraints. He then cuts S4GF loose and knocks out the guard with the door.

12:52:24 - 12:59:59


Jack Bauer sticks up the security dude and gets his recording back just as Biff Henderson shows up in a black helicopter and starts shooting up the place. Biff has brought a dozen guys armed with machine guns. Jack has just the pistol he lifted from the guard he knocked out. Within seconds, all of Biff Henderson's men are shot or incinerated.

But Biff has grabbed S4GF and cut her arm open. "Give me the recording or she bleeds to death," he snarls. Jack wusses out and gives him the recording. BH leaves in a hail of gunfire to find a car to steal, Jack Bauer stays behind to tourniquet Audrey's bleeding arm.

Meanwhile, Weasel is mere moments from signing his resignation when Biff Henderson calls. "I've got the recording." Weasel leaps over the desk and waves his palm in front of Hellfeld. "Faced!" He then demands Hellfeld's resignation and goes to catch the last half hour of Late Night with Conan O'Brien.