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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between 10:00 pm and 11:00 pm

10:00:00 to 10:11:59

Beep Beep Beep Beep BeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeep

Special Guest Narrator: Ted Knight

When last we left the hall of Justice, Jack Bauer, a.k.a., The Flash, was outrunning a massive natural gas and Tex-Mex explosion, like the farts of 100,000 Taco Bell customers all ignited at once. It was enough to incinerate all 17 canisters of Tex-Mex, but could Jack possibly survive such a massive explosion.

Duh.

As the rest of the John Goodman Gas Distribution plant is consumed in flames, we see Jack crawling from the wreckage with HATO on his shoulders. "Why, God why?" Jack laments. "Why do the beautiful die so young?" Then, he hucks HATO into the back of a black SUV and calls ahead to CTU to have the Andrew Sullivan Suite available for immediate occupancy and interrogation.

Meanwhile, VP Captain Murphy calls Frau Blucher and orders her to continue taking over the Hall of Justice, I mean, CTU. Frau Blucher is reluctant to continue, thinking that forcing everyone into re-orientation meetings during a terrorist emergency might be counter-productive, but Murphy is insistent. But HLS Dick, in an attempt to lodge his nose even tighter between Frau Blucher's butt-cheeks, (Thanks for the imagery, V) is totally into screwing up CTU and thinks the key is S4GF, since she is neither CTU nor HLS, making her an important swing-voter. Chiggy is also talking to S4GF, and he suspects that the takeover of CTU by HLS is all part of a dark scheme by Bush and the Republicans to suppress the African-American vote, or something. Whoops, sorry, that was a commercial from Move-On-dot-org.

Meanwhile, Red Foreman opens the trunk of his car, where Shaft Palmer is hiding out. Shaft reveals that his contact inside the presidential compound is Mary Todd's Assistant-Babe (MTAB). He has to get through to her because she knows who is really behind the terrorist events of the day. At that very moment, MTAB and Mary Todd are reading over the letters the First Lady is sending out to the victims of the gas attack in the mall. "Sorry to hear about your recent loss, yadda yadda... Here is a coupon for a free small Orange Julius with the purchase of any large Orange Julius and another for a free piercing at Ear World. If you did not lose a loved on in the Sunrise Mall tragedy, please disregard this message and send back the coupons."

MTAB tries to make her escape, Shaft Palmer intercepts her, and with Red Foreman. "You know who's really behind this," Shaft accuses her. "I've seen the emails you sent to my brother. Who is the Nigerian Prince? Did you kill my brother so you could help him expatriate his $32.8 million fortune?" Red hits him upside the head. "Never mind that, dumbass." MTAB refuses to give them the evidence. "They're gonna kill my daughter," she says. They've kidnapped her daughter and are forcing her to model for Calvin Klein underwear ads. "Big deal you're young. You can have another one," says Red Foreman. "No," says MTAB. "I will only help you if you rescue my daughter in a dramatic gunfight that will take place in the final five minutes of the hour."


10:16:22 to 10:24:48

Anita Hill is pulling up Biff Henderson’s work record for the previous ten years. "Wow! Look at all the women he must have harassed," says she. Meanwhile, a squad of HLS suits moves in. They take turn kicking aside Edgar's body and claiming the workstations of deceased CTU personnel. "Oh, look at the cute baby pictures," one says as she claims a desk, then drops the photos in the waste basket. Frau Blucher stands on the balcony and addresses the CTU personnel. "HLS in the hizzy!" she says. "Boo-yah!"

From the Prez Retreat, Shaft calls Jack, which raises the question, can you mix Bacardi and Kahlua. Anyway, Shaft's like all, "Hey, jack, y'busy Dawg?" "Just hauling a charred Russki to the Crib. What up?" "Got time to, swing by and rescue a white chick's kid, brother-man?" Shaft asks him. "Solid," Jack says.

Back at Hall of Justice CTU, HLS Dick is trying to get S4GF to sign a standard form CYA placing the blame on CTU for all terrorism everywhere. "I'm not falling for that," S4GF says. "I saw what happened to Michael Brown and FEMA." She's not going to screw over Chiggy and the rest of CTU just to ... Okay, I'm vague on what exactly the purpose of her signing the paper is, but it's a key plot point.

As she walks out, she gets a call from Jack. He tells her about the deal with MTAB's kid and says he'll need Chloe's help to retask a satellite to do something physically impossible. "I can't help you, Jack," S4GF says. "CTU has been taken over by the Department of Homeland Security. We can't retask satellites without paperwork from the Deputy Under-Secretary of Satellite Re-Tasking, and he hasn't been confirmed by the Senate yet." Jack is shocked that HLS is taking over CTU. "That doesn't make any sense." Obviously, someone is engineering a take-over of CTU as part of some darker, more sinister scheme. Soon, Jack is connecting the dots like an autistic kid with a magic marker and a Dalmatian, and he knows Biff Henderson is probably behind it, along with VP Captain Murphy, because all the red herrings are pointing in his direction.

Jack tells S4GF to do whatever it takes to get Chloe back on the job. S4GF goes back into the lab where Frau Blucher and HLS Dick are. "Now that I've thought it over," she says, "screwing over CTU and everybody in it sounds like fun, but I need a suspiciously obvious favor in return." She wants Chloe assigned to her, to help with "you know, server codes and stuff." "Anybody can do that," sneers HLS Dick, now visible only as part of a shoe sticking out from Frau Blucher's behind. "I get Chloe or no deal." They agree to let her have Chloe. "By the way, ma'am," HLS Dick says to Frau Blucher. "I don't like the looks of this prostate at all."

10:29:12 to 10:37:18

The MTAB moves through the parking lot. Red Foreman and Shaft are walking through the corridors of the presidential retreat where they run into VP Captain Murphy. It is a tense moment, then Murphy asks for change so he can buy a Be-Bop Cola from the presidential vending machine.

Just as Chiggy is reassuring Chloe that if they just hang tough, everything will be all right, HLS Dick informs Chloe that she can remain. He smugly informs everyone that S4GF signed the CYA memo, then bends over to smell his own fart. Chiggy feels hurt and betrayed that S4GF would do that to her. "I feel hurt and betrayed," he says.

Then, Shaft and MTAB are in the car, and MTAB still refuses to provide any useful information. "Not without my daughter," she insists. Shaft tries to guilt-trip her by reminding her that his brother was shot in the neck and died in her arms. "Bummer," MTAB agrees. In the midst of their conversation, she gets a call from Biff Henderson. Shaft patches in Jack Bauer so he can listen in. "Did you bring the materials we discussed," he asks darkly. "Yes, let me talk to my daughter," says MTAB. He puts the daughter on the phone, "Mommy, they threatened to feed me to a cougar." "Don't worry, honey, mommy's coming," MTAB assures her. "Solid," says Helpless Little Girl.

Back at the Hall of Justice CTU , Jack calls S4GF just as she and Chiggy are sharing a long meaningful glance, that tells her how hurt and betrayed he feels. Then, Jack snaps her back to reality. "Has Chloe re-tasked the satellites yet?" "Oh, yeah, my bad," S4GF says. She goes and get Chloe, who is all like, "Why should I help HLS. They're jerks." "Chloe, it's Jack. Jack needs your help." Chloe pouts on her pout and follows S4GF down the hallway to her workstation.


10:41:42 to 10:47:42

Shaft senses a presence in the warehouse where they he and MTAB have entered. They are about to shoot something, when Jack emerges from the shadows. "Tell me what you know," Jack tells her, fondling his gun with an itchy finger. "I already told Shaft, I won't tell you anything until I have my daughter." That's not what Jack wanted to hear. "Aw, jeez, every time somebody says that, they end up dying before they can tell us anything." But, he decides not to shoot her in the thigh. Jack calls Chloe and she has got the satellite scanning the warehouse in infrared and she's patching the data to his PDA. (Yeah, right).

Jack sees that there are a whole lotta toughs in the warehouse. Shaft informs Jack that he wants to shoot somebody. "Come on Jack, I used to be a Marine." Jack is unimpressed. "Big Whoop. So was Jack Murtha." "Come on, Jack, I can do this." "There's a difference between training to kill a man and actually doing it," Jack tells him. "Doing it's much more fun."

Pres. Weasel is on the phone looking smug, pretending to talk to the "prime minister." "Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister. Yes, I did handle that situation brilliantly... oh, now, you're embarrassing me... oh, stop, stop... Help you out with the ladies? Why, I suppose I could do that... excuse me, Eva Longoria is on line 2." and then VP Captain Murphy walks in. "Mr. President, did you know that Shaft Palmer was on the premises?" "Shaft Palmer, what was he doing here?" Weasel asks. "Nothing," VP Captain Murphy said. "I'm just acting suspiciously to set up the improbable plot twist in the last act." "Solid," Weasel tells him.

Jack pulls up at the place, Jack warns her, "Do exactly what we planned, or you will get dead on this ride."

10:52:05

Biff Henderson is in his lair, surrounded by heavies as Bacardi and Kahlua make their way through the tunnel. They come to the hostile Chloe warned them about at the end and Jack dispatches him with two quick shots through the thorax.

Bacardi checks his PDA. "There's too many of them. I guess you’ll have to kill some, too." Then, acardi shoots another expendable heavies.

Kahlua moves through the building, comes to his target, but when it some time to pull the trigger, he hesitates, as though to create tension and suspense. Will he pull the trigger? Will he wet his pants and cry like Adam Morrison? Then, he looks at the heavy again and thinks of Adam Sandler, and shooting comes easily. Jack jumps a heavy named "Bravo," for his love of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and takes his radio. The heavy doesn't appear to be dead, but we can always hope. He fiddles with the battery, and this somehow enables him to alter his voice with arousing the suspicions of Biff Henderson when he tells him. "One female, in the car, alone." (Bravo previously worked at the Governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas.)

Jack spots MTAB through the scope of her sniper rifle. Biff Henderson calls MTAB. "Open all doors and the front of the car." Apparently, he is planning on detailing her car after he returns her daughter. How nice. Biff and some heavies move out, MTAB grabs her daughter and ducks, and Jack shoots some of the heavies. Soon, lead is flying through the air like catty putdowns at an Oscar Party. Biff Henderson steals MTAB's car and drives off with Jack firing ineffectually behind him. Jack asks Chloe to track Biff Henderson with the satellites, and, for once, Chloe can't do it!

MTAB is wounded, but it's a clean, in and out bullet would, the kind you want to have. She finally tells him the VP has nothing to do with the plot. It was ... some Puerto Rican guy.

No, it was President Weasel.

OK, I think hour 11:00 - 12:00 might be put to good use making *that* plot twist believable.

5 comments:

NDwalters said...

And here's what President Logan will say.

"Jack, there's something you need to know. Jack, I am your father." (in Darth Vader Voice)

"NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Blucher! *horse neighs*

No, it will be more like this.

"And yes, my plot to keep power will succeed. All of the time, you thought I was stupid and dopey. All of it was a big fakade (facade)."

OR

"Lord Logan, riiiiiise."
'Yes Master. Breathes heavily'

Little Miss Chatterbox said...

Awesome as always. My favorite line was the one about Shaft being a Marine--so what, so was Jack Murtha--Classic!!!!!!

Chris of Dangerous Logic said...

Um, women don't have prostates.

(pause)

Oh, I get it! Brilliant!

NDwalters said...

The Rottweiler had a good line summing up Wayne shooting a terrorist

"My name's Wayne Palmer, you killed my brudda, prepare to die...."

NDwalters said...

Chris, wimmen have no prostates?

What about an Adam's Apple?

Five O' Clock Shadow?

Big ole hairy calves?

What the hell kind of blind date was I set up on? AGH!!!!!