Tuesday, July 24, 2007
The new site allows you to customize your Blogs4Bauer experience with character specific themes (Jack, Kim, Marwan, and Tony). We also are working on a Blogs4Bauer wiki site that anyone can contribute to. There's also a link to the Bauer Forums where you can discuss all things Bauer.
Oh, and the new site will never be down for maintenance during a live-blog session.
Well we're movin' on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin' on up
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.
Fish don't fry in the kitchen;
Beans don't burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta tryin'
Just to get up that hill.
Now we're up in the big leagues
Gettin' our turn at bat.
As long as we live, it's you and me baby
There ain't nothin' wrong with that.
Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.
Our "Deluxe Apartment" is located at blogs.4bauer.com
We hope you will change your bookmarks, links, and underwear.
See you there!
Tony Almeida returns for Season 7 of 24. After being injected with a lethal dose of drugs during Day 5, Tony was checked into the Lindsay Lohan Memorial wing of the Betty Ford clinic for help.
During his stay, Tony had the best intense care and therapy including hypnosis and Chinese water torture money could buy. He emerged free of drugs but unfortunately still a Chicago Cubs fan (note the Cubs mug).
Chloe was easy, turns out most Simpson's characters have potato heads and snarls on their faces.
Other 24 characters who could be "Simpsonized": President Palmer I and II, Marwan, Kim Bauer, George Mason, Curtis, Victor Drazen, Behrooz, and many others.
Click Here to Bauerize your own Simpson's scene and we will post them here. Just send Jack Bauer an email and include the picture and a short story if you like.
Monday, July 23, 2007
So what better way to start off my Blogs4Bauer career than by providing news about our beloved — and beleaguered — show?
Our favorite Secret Service Agent, Aaron Pierce, apparently will not return to 24 next season. Glenn Morshower is joining the NBC drama Friday Night Lights as "Landry's father, a state champion Panthers alum turned local lawman." Not having ever watched FNL, I have no idea who Landry is, but I see Morshower's destined for a life of typecasting. Of course, after the Season 6 crapapalooza ... (honestly, I just wanted an excuse to say "crapapalooza" again, this sentence wasn't going anywhere.)
But WWMLD? (That means "What Will Martha Logan Do?")
by : President Thomas "Tug" Benson
I've been told that as a former fictional president, I've got a thing or two to say about any future fictional presidents. Well I think that women should play roles that were made for women, like First Ladies. My wife, Cheryl played a good first lady. Did I mention that I like chicken soup or is it steak? For that matter who is this Cheryl person and what the hell have your done with my wife?
Sorry, got a little sidetracked, I took shrapnel to the head at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians. Where was I? To hell with that why am I not wearing pants?
Like I was saying, having a female president on 24 is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... it's just wrong. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals and that's why we should not have a woman president on 25.
Or 24 for that matter. What were we talking about?
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
So I Simpsonized Jack Bauer...or Bauerized the Simpsons, however you want to look at it. I know he's been on 24, but this one is my creation.
My made-up Simpson's storyline has Jack Bauer capturing Itchy and tortured him after Scratchy informed Bauer that the little mouse knew something about a hidden nuke. Only after a hilarious routine where Jack tosses Itchy a chunk of cheese with a plutonium isotope pill and he melts down, does he realize that Scratchy is a mole. So Jack takes the melted corpse of Itchy and rams it down Scratchy's throat. Jack then grabs Scratchy's spleen, which is then pulled out and shoved into Scratchy's left ear and out the right one in a flossing manner. The End.
Click Here to Bauerize your own Simpson's scene and we will post them here. Just send Jack Bauer an email and include the picture and a short story if you like.
The date: 7/7/07 10:30am
Word spread that Kwik E-Mart was giving away free Squishees. CTU sent Edgar Stiles to investigate.
The date: 7/7/07 11:30am
Kwik E-Mart announces that there are no more free Squishees, ever. Mission accomplished.
Michelle Dessler (by Steve E)
Even in Simpson's form, Michelle Dessler is drop-dead hot. I'm not feeling all that creative today, but I'll pass along her tracking down some terrorist at the nuclear plant.
Here's a list of the nominations:
-- Drama Series: "Boston Legal," ABC; "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; "24," Fox ; "Heroes," NBC; "House," Fox; "The Sopranos," HBO.
-- Comedy Series: "Entourage," HBO; "The Office," NBC; "30 Rock, NBC; ";"24," Fox; "Ugly Betty," ABC.
-- Miniseries: "Broken Trail," AMC; "Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS; "The Starter Wife," USA; "24," Fox.
-- Made-for-TV Movie: "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO; "24," Fox; "Inside the Twin Towers," Discovery Channel; Longford," HBO; "The Ron Clark Story," TNT; "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy," Lifetime.
-- Actor, Drama Series: James Spader, "Boston Legal," ABC; Hugh Laurie, "House," Fox; Denis Leary, "Rescue Me," FX; James Gandolfini, "The Sopranos," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Actress, Drama Series: Sally Field, "Brothers & Sisters," ABC; Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer," TNT; Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," NBC; Patricia Arquette, "Medium," NBC; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; "Edie Falco, "The Sopranos," HBO.
-- Supporting Actor, Drama Series: William Shatner, "Boston Legal," ABC; T.R. Knight, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Masi Oka, "Heroes," NBC; Michael Emerson, "Lost," ABC; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Michael Imperioli, "The Sopranos," HBO.
-- Supporting Actress, Drama Series: Rachel Griffiths, "Brothers & Sisters," ABC; Katherine Heigl, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Chandra Wilson, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Sandra Oh, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Aida Turturro, "The Sopranos," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Actor, Comedy Series: Tony Shalhoub, "Monk," USA; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Steve Carell, "The Office," NBC; Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock," NBC; Charlie Sheen, "Two and a Half Men," CBS.
-- Actress, Comedy Series: Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "The New Adventures of Old Christine," CBS; Tiny Fey, "30 Rock," NBC; America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty," ABC; Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds," Showtime.
-- Supporting Actor, Comedy Series: Kevin Dillon, "Entourage," HBO; Jeremy Piven, "Entourage," HBO; Neil Patrick Harris, "How I Met Your Mother," CBS; Rainn Wilson, "The Office," CBS; Jon Cryer, "Two and a Half Men," CBS; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Supporting Actress, Comedy Series: Jaime Pressly, "My Name Is Earl," NBC; Jenna Fischer, "The Office," NBC; Holland Taylor, "Two and a Half Men," CBS; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Vanessa Williams, "Ugly Betty," ABC; Elizabeth Perkins, "Weeds," Showtime.
-- Actor, Miniseries or a Movie: Robert Duvall, "Broken Trail," AMC; Tom Selleck, "Jesse Stone: Sea Change," CBS; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; "William H. Macy, "Nightmares & Dreamscapes: From the Stories of Stephen King Umney's Last Case," TNT; Matthew Perry, "The Ron Clark Story," TNT.
-- Actress, Miniseries or a Movie: Queen Latifah, "Life Support," HBO; Helen Mirren, "Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)," PBS; Mary-Louise Parker, "The Robber Bride," Oxygen; Debra Messing, "The Starter Wife," USA; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Supporting Actor, Miniseries or a Movie: Thomas Haden Church, "Broken Trail," AMC; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; "Aidan Quinn, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO; Edward Asner, "The Christmas Card," Hallmark; Joe Mantegna, "The Starter Wife," USA.
-- Supporting Actress, Miniseries or a Movie: Greta Scacchi, "Broken Trail," AMC; Anna Paquin, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO; Samantha Morton, "Longford," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Toni Collette, "Tsunami, The Aftermath," HBO
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Season 7 of 24 promises to be its tensest yet — at least on the set.I think you can sum it up with a simple "What the hell!" If Jack Bauer goes to Africa, it's for damn sure that he'll need better plots stashed away in his manpurse last season... Let's come up with some ideas for Jack's trip to Africa and help out the people at Fox who are obviously having a collective brain fart of ginormous proportions.
Execs at the Fox hit have scrapped virtually their entire story line for the season, delaying the start of production by roughly three weeks. According to sources, the 11th-hour time-out was called after the network put the kibosh on a costly plan to shoot a number of episodes in Africa.
Possible Plots involving Jack Bauer in Africa:
-Season 7 mole lives in a pack of wildebeest
-Jack Bauer kills all rouge Russians, mobsters, and Muslims in North America, Australia, South America, Europe, and Asia. So he heads to Africa since Al Gore made Jack Bauer pledge to avoid Antarctica because his testosterone would do further damage to the ice caps
-Jack Bauer knows that Scar is behind the death of Mufasa and plans on torturing him until he confesses or cries like a girl (or both). Hakuna matata dammit!
-Kim Bauer gets cornered by a cheetah
-Jack Bauer sat through Madagascar and wants his damn money back
-The Sentinel II: African Adventure won't film itself.
-Jack wants to win Audrey over by getting her a diamond ring...a blood diamond ring.
-Jack's finally checking up on Luis Rakotozafy to see where his damn inheritance money is!
-Travels to Zimbabwe, meets Robert Mugabe, kicks his ass...twice
Got any other plot suggestions for the lackluster bunch of buffoons that call themselves writers? Post them in the comments section, we will pick the best and email them to Fox.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
The Top Ten Signs Today Is Not Your Lucky Day
10. You have a mole on your cheek.
9. Morris O'Brian asks you to "cover" for him.
8. You call Josh Bauer a "pansy."
7. Nadia smiles at you.
6. You're ordered to take Jack into custody.
5. Chloe O'Brian is your new training officer.
4. You are currently dating Martha Logan.
3. Division assigned you to be Jack's new partner.
2. You are wearing a red "CTU Security" shirt.
And the number one sign today is not your lucky day . . .
1. You just had a one-night stand with Kim Bauer.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
Amy Vernon over at Remote Access came to me and some other fellow Bauer-natics and asked her to help craft the most awesome season of 24 ever. One that Manny Coto and his crew of monkey writers could not destroy with silent clocks for vegetables. One that brings back Tony. One that gets Jack out of that hellhole in El-Lay and under the bright lights of Broadway. Ladies, we give you Season 7 of 24...our way.
Ford Commercial. Cingular commercial. Preview for crappy Fox reality show. Preview for crappy Fox sitcom. Coke commercial. Preview of the 10:00pm news: Someone got shot in Newark. Cut to black.....Previously on 24
CastKiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer
Mary Lynn Rajskub as Chloe
James Morrison as Bill Buchanan
William Devane as President James Heller
Dirk Benedict as Addison Curnow, a wealthy oil baron
James Cromwell as Philip Bauer
Evan Taylor Ellingson as Josh Bauer
Kim Raver as a still-drain-bamaged Audrey Raines
Mia Kirshner as Mandy
Maury Povich as Maury Povich
Carlos Bernard as Anthony Almeida, Tony’s long-lost identical triplet brother.
Carlos Bernard Papierski (that’s his birth name, deal with it) as Toni Almeida, Tony’s other long-lost identical triplet brother.
Worn out from the past few years of terrorist hunting, torturing, being tortured and just having everyone he loves being killed or estranged or in a vegetative state, Jack moves cross country to the Big Apple.
He gets a job doing security on the Maury Povich show, but that’s really a front for his real job — chief of security for wealthy oil baron Addison Curnow. Mandy has been hired to assassinate Curnow by an anonymous person obsessed with The A-Team. This person hates the Faceman for being such a womanizer and has become convinced that Curnow is actually Dirk Benedict.
This person does not care that killing Curnow will wreak havoc in the world oil market because those set to take over Curnow’s company upon his death are OPEC moles who want to destroy the U.S. oil reserves. This would plunge the entire futures market into uncertainty and spike prices far beyond those the average person can afford at the pump.
By day’s end
We find out that Tony Almeida’s long-lost identical triplet brother, Anthony, is actually Josh Bauer’s father, when he, Philip Bauer and Marilyn Bauer sandbag Jack by appearing on Maury’s weekly paternity test shows, trying to prove that Jack is the father. Marilyn forgot about her fling with Anthony, the black sheep of the family. It happened on one drunken night after a Girls Gone Wild: All Grown Up taping that Marilyn participated in 18 years earlier (Season 7 takes place a year after Season 6 ends). Anthony was on a bender in Rio at the time.
The blond hair is a recessive trait in Marilyn’s family; but she always figured Jack was her babydaddy.
The person who hired Mandy turns out to be none other than Martha Logan. (See how I didn’t put her in the opening credits, so you were surprised? Take note, Surnow & Co!) She’s still at loony central, and Aaron Pierce is aware of her having hired Mandy, though he found out after the fact. Given Mandy’s history, he decides to let Martha go ahead with the plot and instead helps Jack track down Mandy and take her “into custody.” They do, and find out the person behind all the bad stuff that’s happened today is Philip Bauer, who wanted to prove he was Josh’s father after all. He also has drugged Martha Logan, causing her to have an irrational fear of ‘80s television shows.Also on Day 7:
• Toni and Jack decide to start a security consulting firm. No one who’s ever thought about appearing on Maury will ever be taken on as a client. Anyone with a Cubs coffee mug, however, gets half off their usual fee. Anthony tries to sabatoge their efforts, pretending he’s Tony, come back from the dead, to get on the inside. But Jack has his suspicions from the beginning, eventually forcing Anthony to wait on the TKTS line in Times Square and not come back until he has front-row tickets to “Spamalot.”
• Maury is assassinated by Mandy, who just can’t take another episode of “who’s my babydaddy?”
• Heller tells Jack all is forgiven and that he can finally marry Audrey, but Jack tells him he’s come to his senses and wants to go back to Kate Warner, not Heller’s bats**t crazy daughter.
• Bill Buchanan is NYC’s DOT commissioner and works with Chloe in the main control room for NYC’s traffic signals, adjusting them to give Jack clear sailing across town whenever he needs it. Chloe also adjusts subway schedules to ensure a train rolls up every time Jack jets down to a station to chase after a suspect or follow up on a lead.
• She cannot, however, override the need to pay for the train rides. Jack swipes his MetroCard and proceeds into the turnstile. He doesn’t swipe it well enough, so he rams his crotch into the unmoving stile. This causes him to mutter (you guessed it) “dammit.”
• Jack forces random bad dude #23 to drink the cooking water from a hotdog stand. The bad guy knows nothing about the plot against Curnow nor the identity of Josh Bauer’s father, but confesses to having carved his name into his high school desk 10 years earlier.
tck....tck....tck more to come.
Do you have ideas for Jack Bauer Takes Manhattan? Post them in the comments. Please, limit the number of "Jack Bauer crosses the BQE in under 2 hours" comments. We get it.
Season 7 Authors
The Jack Sack,
Riding With Rickey
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
The possible link came to me as I read an article on Phil's resurgence in The Boston Herald. Here's the clip that made the little light above my head go off.
...Funny, isn’t it? Roughly a year ago at this time, after self-destructing on the 18th hole Sunday, Mickelson looked as cracked up as Britney Spears; now he looks mentally tougher than Jack Bauer. Going back to last year, Mickelson played 11 consecutive holes in the U.S. Open at a score of plus-6, and nobody would have blamed him yesterday if he pulled a Paris Hilton and went to pieces....Is there a connection between Jack Bauer and Phil Mickelson that goes beyond his ability to go from batshit crazy to "mentally tougher than Jack Bauer"? Sure Jack had came back from a nasty heroin addiction and from being dead (twice) to save the world. Phil is showing a little of that Bauer guts he has in him.
However the most compelling evidence are the manboobs. Like receding hair and time-manipulation skills, the manboobs have been passed down the Bauer family tree.
Could Jack Bauer and Phil Mickelson be long lost brothers? The manboobs don't lie.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Part 1: The Bad Guy
Bob Barker - Terrorist mastermind
"Oh not Bob" you are probably saying right now. He couldn't be a terrorist leader behind the army of Blogger's anti-spam robots. Well he is, trust us. Bob's the leader of what experts call a "spam sleeper cell". He laid low as a game show host for a few years. When the time to strike came, he used the "game show" to broadcast messages to his followers.
During last Friday's show, Bob led an accomplice over to the Plinko board. His attempt to win a new stove was really a call to arms for Bob Barker's army of spade and neutered Spam Robots.
Following Bob's Plinko call-to-arms, Blogs4Bauer was attacked and Bob Barker is leaving the game show he hid behind for so many years. Coincidence? We think not.
Here is the message that we got when we tried to get into Blogs4Bauer. We may have lost the first battle, but the war was just getting started. Bob Barker must be stopped, dammit!
Your blog is locked
Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. (What's a spam blog?) Since you're an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and we sincerely apologize for this false positive.
We received your unlock request on June 5, 2007. On behalf of the robots, we apologize for locking your non-spam blog. Please be patient while we take a look at your blog and verify that it is not spam.
Find out more about how Blogger is fighting spam blogs.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
This will not stand. I will seek out Chloe O'Brian, Nadia Yassir, and Kim Bauer. And I will kill them. And their families. From beyond the grave. How is this possible?
Because I am just that damned good.
Next season we will have the 2nd Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer contest and open it up to the cast and possibly even some 24 fans out there. Yes, Kate Warner and her sister will be included this time.
In the meantime, let's give it up for Chloe O'Brian! Not only is she hot, she can also read those annoying binary clocks, and shoot a gun. So she's a triple threat.
Click here for the completed bracket.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
We have come down to the season finale of The Carnival of Bauer!!! I'd like to thank all the hosts this season and everyone who submitted posts.
Steve from Magic Lamp recaps Hour 23 and Hour 24 in his comprehensive way. Good job recapping every damn episode this season Steve. Now it's time to put down the keyboard and reconnect with your wife and kids.
The Free Geek lists the Top 10 things Jack Bauer Can't Live Without. However, I think that Jack Bauer's copy of Journey's Greatest Hits should have made the list.
You can add Rickey Henderson to the list of people who thought Soul Patch would make a comeback this season. Sorry buddy, this season proved that the silent clock doesn't mean a thing. Rickey recaps the season finale and gives the show a final report card.
Rocinante's Burdens is new to the Carnival, as Jack Bauer never said "better late than never". Anyway, they post a 14-point recap of the last 3 hours of 24.
Amy Vernon of Remote Access is the MVP of the Season 6 - Carnival of Bauer!!!, she laments the lackluster season ending of 24. Hmm... I would go with banal, pablum, prosaic, maybe even vapid. "Lackluster" makes it seem like there might have been some life in the show prior to the season finale. See you next season Amy.
Speaking of Amy, she also posts something for you Soul Patch lovers out there. It appears that Tony almost came back.
Go check out Wyatt's website, he really needs the traffic. He also lamented the prosaic ending of the season and offers up The Top Ten Better Ways To End Day 6.
Fausta's blog is another 24 addict who looks back fondly on Day 4 with hopes that Day 7 is more like the old days and less like Day 6.
Jeff Kouba from Truth v. The Machine is also a 24 fan. He does another recap and tallies up the kills from this season.
Personally I was glad that Day 6 is finally over. So is King Tom, who notes the promise of the start of the season and the banal ending. Tom leaves us with a good recap and a nice haiku:
Jack’s at a crossroadsSays Simpleton likes to think of Season 6 as a glass half-full. While the rest of us are bitching because Jack didn't smash the glass and force Heller to drink the shards, Simpleton looks at the season as part of the whole 24 series. This post is a must read.
Let the next day be better
Audrey don’t wake up.
Do you want to know what happened in CTU-Denver? Well then The Jack Sack is the place for you. Check out his recap of the first hour of a series of CTU-Denver posts.
The guy behind A SVC Alumnus' Blog spends most of his days voting for Chloe on the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. When he's not voting for Chloe, he's making up holidays for Potato Face. Here is how he spent Chloe Appreciation Day. I had surgery, but still managed to eat some French fries.
Well that's it, the Carnival ofBauer!!! will return in 2008. Now, stay tuned for Fox's newest hit "Are You Faster Than a One-legged Gimp".
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Previously on MissBlogs4Bauer. After 1,618 votes and 49 comments that veered from the topic and into baseball. Here are the results of the Final Four:
The CTU Office Hottie Matchup
CTU – Senior Analyst, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Intelligence Agent, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Internet Protocol Manager, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
BEST BUY - Geek Squad Manager
Has 12,456 friends on Myspace.
Attacks scripts, computer vulnerabilities, intrusion detection, penetration testing, operational security, viruses. Proficiency in Cerberus, Minesweeper, and PlutoPlus.
PATH TO CHAMPIONSHIP:
Hacked into Blogs4Bauer and removed Debbie Pendleton then defeated Michelle Dessler and Marilyn Bauer
2 months pregnant, the baby already has a 145 IQ
CTU - Associate Special Agent in Charge, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Director of Intelligence, Detroit Domestic Unit
CIA – Senior Intelligence Agent
CIA – Intelligence Agent for Middle East Territories
Fluency in Arabic/never smiles
PATH TO CHAMPIONSHIP:
Defeated Dina Araz and Martha Logan
Single and a master of her domain
Lick Poo informs Zephram Cochrane Bauer that a submarine is en route to pick them up and take them to some weird island with a smoke monster and a giant three-toed statue that was never really explained.
Ricky Stratton, minus one eye, is led away from the beach. "Yarrrrrgh, mateys, this could be a new look for me, says I. Yar."
Al Bundy tries to get the 411 from the CTU Doc, but the Doc just snarls. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not the information desk."
Scooter Fuqya has found the oil platform. They detect life signs, an approaching boat, and traces of Jesus Juice. She informs the vice president that they have located ZCB. The veep's military adviser advises an air strike. "Blast those heathen Chinee and that sick pervert sicko to Hell." "What about the kid?" Weasel Cage asks. "Yeah, he'll probably be blasted to hell, too." says the General. "Me like idea." says president Jim Jones. "Me give authorization." Everyone agrees, air strikes are cool.
Scooter Fuqya relays this message to Jack. Chiggy and Jack acquire a helicopter using the usual technique.
05:14:33 to 05:22:06
Jim Jones gets on the phone with Russian President Subaru. "Me call air strike against oil platform for to blow up secret chip." The Russians confirm that they'll watch the coverage on the 'F-18 Air Strike' channel, and if the oil platform is blowed up real good, they'll call off the attack. "Thank you. You friend. Jim Jones happy now."
Bacardi and Old Grand Dad call Scooter and ask that the intelligence they need to hit the platform be sent to Jack's PDA (of course). Then they figure out how to stealthily fly a helicopter to the oil platform. But Lick Poo turns out to be the bastard son of Radar O'Reilly and hears them approach.
Jack Junior begs ZCB to let him go. "Shut up your pretty bitch mouth and put on the gimp suit," ZCP orders him. Then, Lick Poo, runs up onto the deck with a dozen funky Chinamen from Funky Chinatown. As Lick Poo is setting them up, Jack is chopping them down, shooting from the hip with an assault rifle. Then Jack shoots up some fuel tanks in a maneuver he calls 'Mongolian Barbecue.' He blows through the Chinese like Rosie O'Donnell through a Dim Sum buffet. Chiggy takes Lick Poo into custody and escorts him to the helicopter.
05:26:33 to 05:36:22
Jack Jr is still fighting off ZCB. "Get your hands off me you filthy pervert." ZCB has two words for him, "Ball gag!" But then, Jack Jr. gets a hold of the gun. "Who's the gimp now, bitch!" He caps his grandpa, but doesn't kill him. Then, Jack shows up a little too late, like Clinton in Rwanda. "Son,... I mean, Naphew, lower the gun." Jack Jr lowers the gun and Jack takes him into his strong manly arms. Jack orders him to get to the helicopter. Jack tries to get ZCB to come to the chopper, but ZCB decides he'd rather die as he lived... covered with grease and still hurting from a young boy's rejection.
Jim Jones gives the strike order. Chiggy lifts off in the helicopter, then swings around to pick up Jack. The F-18's loose their missiles just as Jack grabs the helicopter's rope ladder. The oil rig explodes like four male models in a tragic gasoline fight accident.
As they near the beach, Jack lets go of the rope ladder and falls into the sea, but he appears to be all right and he still has his man purse.
'24' stops at this point. The next twenty minutes are actually an episode of 'General Hospital' that somehow got spliced in by mistake.
05:40:45 to 06:00:00
With the oil platform destroyed, and the Russians pull back their troops. Jim Jones laments to Weasel Cage. "Me no want deal with Chinese. Me sleepy." Weasel Cage tells him, "You have to forgive Frau Blucher and Chiggy, or you'll never recover from amnesia or win the respect of your long-lost son and your two-timing traitor of a mistress." Jim Jones agrees.
Al Bundy visits with RPF in the infirmary. "I'm knocked up," RPF says, "It's Jack's." Al Bundy asks, "But how, Jack was in a Chinese prison?" RPF answers, "I saved some hair and nail clippings and had his DNA implanted into one of my eggs." Al Bundy says, "That's like, super-creepy, but I'll help you get through this." "I think I also have amnesia," RPF adds.
Jack Jr and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are reunited and happily begin planning Rocket Romano's funeral. Chiggy turns a bloodied Lick Poo over to CTU custody, but Lick Poo vows "I will have my vengeance on you! Ha-Ha!" Then, Chiggy shakes hands with Scooter Fuqya, but she doesn't remember who he is because she has amnesia.
Jack pays a visit on Penisnose's father so he can give his 'Emmy clip' speech: "You were like a father to me... and you took advantage of it. You said I was cursed. That hurt me inside. But what hurt worse was the way you let me rot in a Chinese prison." Penisnose's daddy shrugs, "Sucks to be you," Jack continues, "Your daughter came to China to get me. She understands commitment. I want my life back." Penisnose's Daddy gives in, "OK, you can have your stupid life back."
Jack enters Penisnose's bedroom and takes her hand. "Hello, it's me. I know I promised to take care of you and protect you, but I'm at a crossroads.So, goodbye." Fortunately, Penisnose is unconscious and can't deliver any dialog. Jack kisses her on the forehead then leaves.
Fade to Black.
Ricky Stratton explains the situation to Jack Junior, "Our paranoid psychotic vice president has agreed to swap you to your decrepit, mincing pedophile of a grandfather. But no worries. I'm gonna get you back. I'm Ricky Stratton. That's what I do. I act like a a complete asshole, then I redeem myself. Wanna fight about it?"
Jack calls Russet Potato Face, and she fills him in on the details, vis-a-vis turning Jack Junior over to Zephram Cochrane Bauer. Jack remembers all-too-well those late-night visits to his and Rocket Romano's bedrooms. "Dammit, Chloe, we need to stop this." Jack calls Frau Blucher, who tries to talk Weasel Cage into changing the VP's mind. Weasel Cage is no help, protesting "My relationship with the vice president is complicated," meaning he also knows what it's like to hear the door creak in the dark of the night and bite into his pillow, softly sobbing, "Why, daddy, why?"
Back in Cali, the FBI is poring through Chiggy Killer's house, even going through his family albums, which Chiggy objects to: "Hey! Those are personal." FBI agent: "Is that naked guy in the black socks and the rubber mask you?" Chiggy: "None of your business!" Chiggy ignores Frau Blucher when she calls at first, but eventually picks up the phone. "Hey, hon, I know I threw you under the bus, but now you gotta help Jack keep Jack Junior from getting kidnapped by that Old Dirty Bastard." Chiggy wonders what how the Wu-Tang Clan figures into this.
Back on the beach, the aforementioned dirty old pervert calls Ricky Stratton's cell phone. "Turn off the satellite. My mole is telling me everything." CTU turns off the satellite feed, then he orders Ricky to send the chopper away. Zephram Cochrane tells him to wait there and chill, and he'll send somebody, and suggests a cook-out or perhaps a clam bake to help pass the time.
04:19:25 to 04:26:57
Ricky Stratton tells Scooter Fuqya: "When I've confirmed the chip is real, I'm gonna rescue the kid." Scooter tells him to screw the kid, not realizing the irony.
Frau Blucher calls Scooter and gets to track Jack as he's hauled off to CTU's version of Club Gitmo. She passes the info on to Chiggy. Meanwhile, in the clink, Patsy Ramsey Bauer is having an episode and already garroted two CTU security guards. So, Scooter lies to her, then sends in a Heavy Duty Tactical Team to subdue her. Al Bundy calls Ricky to tell him he thinks he's doing the right thing. Ricky replies, "Al, the next time I want your opinion, I'll knock out all your teeth with the butt of my pistol and make you choke them down your throat."
Chiggy runs the SUV with Jack in it off the road. Jack quickly gets one of his guards guns, handcuffs him to the steering wheel, and then cold cocks hims. Then, while Chiggy distracts the other guard with smarmy talk about the Constitution, Jack cold cocks him, too. Then, the new team of Bacardi and Old Grand Dad hop into Chiggy's pick-up as banjo music plays.
04:31:23 to 04:38:02
Bacardi and Old Grand Dad speed toward the rendezvous. About then, Frau Blucher loses her access to the network and Jim Jones's jackbooted thugs haul her away to detention.
Back at the beach, Jack Jr. begs not to be traded to his grandfather. "He likes to smear my naked body with olive oil and Parmesan cheese and dance around me chanting 'When you're here, you're family.'"
"Sucks to be you," Ricky Stratton shrugs.
04:41:25 to 04:48:36
Ricky Stratton gets another call from ZCB. "You got my muscly armed grandson?" "Yes," Ricky tells him. ZCB orders him to move toward the water. ZCB's goons pull up to the beach in a Zodiac-type boat. Ricky Stratton goes out to meet them. The goon hands him the fake circuit board, which explodes in his face. The goons grab Jack Jr and hustle him into the boat just as Bacardi and old Grand Dad reach the beach. Jack calls CTU and lets them know that for something like the 6,000th time, they were wrong again. CTU being only slightly less competent than FEMA.
04:53:02 to 04:59:59
Weasel Cage lets Jim Jones know that he screwed up and lost both the kid and the circuit board. Jim Jones is bereft. "Me bad vice president. Me screw up everything."
Jack remembers that ZCB's Evil company is actually Halliburton, and thus deduces that ZCB must be taking the boy to an oil platform for some "Offshore drilling." Indeed, ZCB is waiting on an oil platform with Lick Poo. He calls out the Chinaman, "You screwed up, but I still think China is my future." "Oh,bitch bitch bitch..." Lick Poo replies.
Back at CTU, RPF passes out to set up an exceedingly obvious plot "twist."
Monday, May 21, 2007
4:00am - Let's get it on....tck...tck...
"we are going to recover you...here's a tracking device"... Young Bauer obviously has never watched 24.
Jack in "temporary custody" which means until the next disaster happens or he busts out.
In Soviet Union, component has you
Jack Bauer riding in the back seat... $40 says he commandeers the vehicle.
Did Doyle just call Josh...Jack?
4:15 Commercial Break
Are you a card member?
Discussion: The Simpsons 24 episode. Funny or not?
Josh is Doyle's kid.
There are pissed off Bauer's all over the damn place. "We just used your son as bait, calm down". Patsy has exposed the downfall of CTU, not years of moles and inept security. CTU will be brought down by something far worse than terrorists....lawyers.
Someone owes me $40. When will CTU learn? You cannot detain Jack Bauer, ever.
4:27 - Commercial Break
How much do I like 24? I had surgery this morning and am still woozy from anesthesia.
As sure as finding moles at CTU, Fox's summer lineup is full of duds.
Who is dat hugging Chloe? House? Ohh, Milo has a brother.
Karen, sort of a mole. How would you classify that one?
"Milo talked about you, I hear you never smile"
Ok, even though it is Milo's brother...with a national security crisis and CTU already being attacked once, why let him in the building? ...and he is gone.
Jack is on the way.... "DAMMIT" - Doyle is learning quick.
4:38 - Commercial Break
I should go ahead and mention that it's almost 45 minutes past the hour, so get your kill counters ready.
Discussion: With the Transformers movie on the way, when is the GoBots movie going to come out?
Did Donkey on that Shrek commercial just say "pussy"?
Jack and Buchanan = Bacardi and Scotch.
"Take Josh and go to the water...and cut off his arm with that rusty ax"
It's a dingy....
BANG.... The exploding sub circuit board, classic.
Doyle: "The component was a fake it blew"
Jack: "That's what she said"
Agent Reynolds is a hottie.
4:52 - Commercial Break
Miss Blogs4Bauer update:
|Nadia (26%) |
4:5something, sorry I had to let the dog in.
Something for you to look at while we get spoon fed filler.
Oil platforms owned by Mr. Bauer? MORE BLOOD FOR OIL!!!!
Chloe is down!!!!!
4:59....5:00 - Commercial Break
Hour 24.....More killer, less filler.
I think Chloe finally caught a lethal case of carpel tunnel syndrome.
We need a nickname for Chloe's doctor.
Chloe is fine, except that Morris is pissing her off.
Oil platform 6 miles off shore. Does CTU own a navy?
Confederates? Did the south rise again Mr. Lennox?
Let me ask something. If Russia is about to start WWIII...who gives a shit about a snot-nosed little kid?
Jack is going to take the chopper....classic.
5:10 - Commercial Break
Ok, raise your hand if Jack Bauer has NOT pointed a gun at you this season?
Who gives a shit about Josh? So we can risk a war with Russia so we can save that bastard? Nuke them all, let Jack sort them out.
Jack is racing a pair of F-18s. Jack and Bill's excellent adventure.
Daniels just said "SUBARU"!!
In Soviet Russia, Bombs platform you!
Damn that helicopter is fast.
BANG BANG 1234 5 6 7
6 by gunshot
1 by explosion
Jack Bauer with a gun x 6 (6 points)
Jack Bauer with explosives (1 point)
6 kills-in-1 (12 Points)
Total - 19 points
"You're too rate"
5:20 - Commercial Break
Useless Fox5NY 24 Story - New York to get it's own Jack Bauer. NYC will soon get a CTU-like organization to keep us safe. In other words, we are so screwed.
Jack Bauer with a gun x 2 (2 points)
2 kills-in-1 (+2 points)
Subtotal = 23 Points
SHOOT HIM.....BOOOYA SHOOT HIM AGAIN
Josh get's partial credit for killing gramps.
"We cannot leave without my....dad"
SHOOOOOSH! BANG BOOM BIGGER BOOOM, BANG Boom SHOOSH BANG
In Soviet Russia, state sees what you see
23 1/2? What gives?
Jack is down, again. Never mind he is all right. He just wanted to do some body boarding.
5:36 - Commercial Break
I do not understand? Is Jack going to just walk back?
NY - 6
Boston - 1
We still have a Chinese sub off the coast of California. However the last 18 minutes are going to be filler. DAMMIT
AHHH Chloe is having a little geek. "That is usually how it works...let's not say anything stupid"
Since Chloe is pregnant, does that mean she is not going to be around next season?
BOWER...I love that guy/stereotype.
"You will never find Jack, let him go"... How many times does 24 end that way?
Here it comes... Jack is your father...
Jack is going to spend the next 1o minutes playing footsie with Audrey's dad? Weakest ending yet. That is saying a lot. There have been some pretty weak endings, Jack walking to Mexico comes to mind. However, Jack swimming and walking to threaten Audrey's dad is pretty l-a-m-e.
Come on Jack, Shoot her. Put us out of our misery.
Good Ending: Nina shooting Teri Bauer
Good Ending: President Palmer getting hit with a virus (silent clock)
Bad Ending: Jack walking to Mexico after faking his death
Awful Ending: Jack playing with his vegetables.
WHAT THE HELL? The silent clock is to mark the death of this show. What a pathetic ending. Booooo.
I had farts that held more meaning then the season finale of 24.
"January 2008: The best season yet". Hell, they should have apologized for this season instead.
I plan on having some tasty French..uhh Freedom Fries this afternoon. I may even throw a vote in her direction in the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest.
Note: This is not to be confused with Jack Bauer Appreciation Day.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points
nicky (4 points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)
Week 16 (Hour 20): 0 Points
Joshua Gross, pickett, randomdan
Week 17 (Hour 21): 15 Points
Winner: Palm Boy (sorry guy)
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)
6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +8 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
17. Killed 5 more guys (5 points +10 combo) - compiled by Steveggg
18. Killed 2 Chinese guys with a gun and one with a gun strap (2 points + 2 points + 6 combo)
19. Killed 3 more Chinese guys with his gun (3 points + 6 combo)