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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Counterpoint: Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd
by President Charles Logan

General Tso, I was deeply troubled when I, um, "overheard" that one of my citizens was kidnapped by your government. I share your outrage, and the "mysterious informant" who notified your Special Forces will be punished to the fullest extent of our law.

And please spare me your lecture regarding American imports. We need to suffer our way through director Ang Lee, who single handedly redefined the phrase "cowpoke," Chinese Fire Drills which clog our highways and byways, and Chinese Finger Traps which result in more fraternity penis injuries than any other household accidents combined.

However, I feel that your disparaging remarks were out of line. General, Jack Bauer is a hurricane of death and destruction, the likes of which your country has never seen. Once he escapes your custody - and make no mistake; he will escape your custody - Mr. Bauer will be all over you like pork on "flied lice."

Take it from a man who has first hand experience of Jack Bauer's vengeance: your population problems are about to be solved.

By the way, love your chicken.

Point: "We do not need Rack Bauer"
by Chinese General Tso

5 comments:

tw111 said...

You're right.... you don't need Jack, but you could use Chloe or Awwdrey, since your population ratio is currently skewed at 117:100 instead of the normal 101:100 or so. Consider the demographics, and then think about the sociological consequences a few years from now with all those bachelors lookin' for love in all the wrong places.

Wyatt Earp said...

Which is where the Chinese "finger" cuffs would come in . . .

General Tso said...

I think you behind this, Mr. President. You were afraid that Jack Bauer would kill you, so you had him Shanghaied by our overzealous Ambassador.

Anonymous said...

That's preposterous! I had absolutely nothing to do with it! Now where's Marty? I need some sugar!

President Charles Logan

Bill Clinton said...

As I stated before, it is about time we gave Jack over to the Chinese.

I feel their pain.