Counterpoint: Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd
by President Charles Logan
General Tso, I was deeply troubled when I, um, "overheard" that one of my citizens was kidnapped by your government. I share your outrage, and the "mysterious informant" who notified your Special Forces will be punished to the fullest extent of our law.
And please spare me your lecture regarding American imports. We need to suffer our way through director Ang Lee, who single handedly redefined the phrase "cowpoke," Chinese Fire Drills which clog our highways and byways, and Chinese Finger Traps which result in more fraternity penis injuries than any other household accidents combined.
However, I feel that your disparaging remarks were out of line. General, Jack Bauer is a hurricane of death and destruction, the likes of which your country has never seen. Once he escapes your custody - and make no mistake; he will escape your custody - Mr. Bauer will be all over you like pork on "flied lice."
Take it from a man who has first hand experience of Jack Bauer's vengeance: your population problems are about to be solved.
By the way, love your chicken.
Point: "We do not need Rack Bauer"
by Chinese General Tso