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Thursday, May 25, 2006

My Name Is Jack

"You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his whole life sucks? Well, that used to be me. Every time something good happened to me...



something bad was waiting right around the corner...



Karma. That's when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I ever did and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My Name is Jack."

(Props to The Man for the screencaps)


Jack Bauer's Karma List

1. Let Kim believe I was dead for a year and a half.

2. Let Audrey's husband die so docs could save a Chinese guy.

3. Talked an innocent young naval engineer into a slicing another man's throat open.

4. Led on Hair-boy and his mom, then ditched them as soon as Audrey came back in the picture.

5. Committed armed robbery of gas station

6. Hijacked airplane at gunpoint

7. Stole lunch from employee refrigerator at oil drilling site.

8. Tricked a terrorist into believing his family had been executed by Saudi authorities.

9. Tasered Marine helicopter pilot.

10. Terrorized bank VP and his wife, got the former killed.

11. Sold German guy a self-destructing agent list.

12. Made Nina Myers strip in front of me.

13. Sent Michelle Dressler back to terrorists after she had managed to escape.

14. Invaded the Chinese embassy, resulting in the death of the Chinese consul

15. Told Behrooz's mom I was going to protect her, then turned her over to bloodthirsty terrorists.

16. Told Behrooz I was going to protect him, then turned him over to bloodthirsty terrorists.

17. Shot Biff Henderson's wife in the leg

18. Shot Biff Henderson in cold blood ...

The list goes on for another 13,173 items.... feel free to list them.

25 comments:

The Man said...

19. Cut off Chase Edmunds arm.
20. Had sex with Maya Driscoll
21. Shot Ryan Chappelle in the head.

Phantasmak said...

22. Threatened to expose a terrorist's daughter to a virus in order to extract information from the terrorist.

Anonymous said...

OK the man, you need your story set straight:
Driscoll was never near Jack, and she was a bitch.
Chappelle was an absolute bastard.

The Man said...

23. Left Stephen Saunders behind during Operation: Nightfall in Kosovo

Anon: Maya was Erin's crazy daughter...her love for Jack led to her suicide.

John said...

23. Didn't shoot Kim when I had the chance.
24. Stole Edgar's Chicken Pot Pie from the CTU break room.
25. Owe Curtis a "solid" for hooking me up with that earth mama.

The Man said...

26. Stole moves from Chuck Norris
27. Robbed a convience store and then stole Kalil's cell phone and car at gunpoint.

The Man said...

28. Pulled the "empty parachute" joke on George Mason.
29. Broke the "2 piece carry-on" rule at Van Nuys airport.

Anonymous said...

28. Kidnapped the President of the United States.
29. Violated the President's Fourth Amendment rights by planting a recording device on him.
30. Shot, killed, and sawed head off of a federal witness.
31. Helped to blow up CTU headquarters.
32. Shot and killed Nina Meyers in cold blood. Then lied about it.
33. Did NOT shoot, kill, stab, put eye out, saw head off, or even torture President Weasel when he had the chance.

fmragtops said...

I think Biff Henderson is still around somewhere. I think he was just "disappeared."

Torturing Paul Rains with a stripped lamp cord isn't on the Karma List?

V the K said...

34. Tortured Paul Rains with a lamp cord.

Happy now?

kitty said...

Upon cursory review, numbers 3, 6, 8, 9, 11 -- and even #1 -- were done to save the country.


Number 17 was motivation.

Number 18 was housecleaning.

Anonymous said...

35. The Sentinel.

Cam said...

36. Made Rudy run into a room full of nerve gas.
37. Can navigate between any two locations in Los Angeles within five minutes but doesn't tell any one else how it's done.
38. Told Tony not to kill Henderson, then Henderson killed Tony.

Kaiser said...

39. Released ass clown Miles Papazian from choke hold.

Chu said...

40. As an "undocumented worker" for 18 months, I didn't pay any local, state, federal, social security, or medicare taxes.

Pickett said...

41. Initiated a prison riot
42. Fathered Kim Bauer
43. Shot George Mason with Tranquilizer
44. Did heroin

Buckley F. Williams said...

45. Wore white after Labor Day.
46. Convinced Curtis to watch "Gigli" with his date.

Merol Meister said...

47- Had sex with Nina Myers
48- Not educating Kim on how to behave or think(that's why she is so stupid and careless)
49- Not shooting Henderson's wife in the kneecap
50- Not forgive Heller for his betrayal
51- Letting Kim marry Chase


I differ in 36 and 42. Samwise Gamgee had it coming. His bad karma was surrendering the keycard to that crackwhore and not reporting it to CTU......thinking about it, he got it easy

And #42....It's f'kn Kim bauer! She may be dumb (ok, more than dumb), but she is a Bauer. Plus, she's hot as hell. I wonder if sex with Kim is so good as to deserve torture from her father......

Anonymous said...

52) Beat up Tony
53) Beat up Chase
54) Beat up Curtis
55) Drove van through wall of a warehouse at the docks

Elizabeth said...

56.) I'm watching TV again and it's all his fault!

The Man said...

57. Attacked a hotel's Christmas Tree in England.

Daniel said...

Am I missing something here: Why Is Henderson called Biff ? ;)

RFTR said...

Daniel, go here to find out why we call people all the random names that we call them.

Elizabeth, unless Jack tortured you until you agreed to watch TV, this does not belong on his karma list, as it was your choice.

Unless she clarifies that he actually forced this to happen, I'm hereby striking her number 56, changing The Man's 57 to 56, and adding:

57. Kidnapped girlfriend's son and then dumped her hours later.

NDwalters said...

57. Let his future father in law, well potential, get shot at and drive his car off a cliff....Chappaquidduck style.
58. Threatened to take out Walt Cumming's eyeball.
59. Tried to strangle Miles Papazzian, whom Karen Hughes later bitch slapped.
60. Kill Joseph Wald's pitball, by shooting it. Poor doggie.
61. Thumbed various DHS whiteshirts to the ground.
62. Tazed a US Marshal to torture Joseph Prado in S4.
63. Trusted Nina Myers to do the right thing and instead she crashed CTU's system in Season 3.

NDwalters said...

Others that would have been funny...

Started the rumor that Edgar is named Truffle Shuffle.

Put a shoot me sign on George Mason's Back.

He and Tony gave George Mason a swirlie.

Led Chloe along as his main squeeze, but instead got it on with Michelle and Audrey. Man was Tony pissed.