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Monday, May 01, 2006

TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between 2:00 am and 3:00 am


02:00:00 to 02:10:30


Jack settles into the cargo hold of the international charter flight (El Lay to Frankfurt in a 727? Yeah, that's gonna happen), which has got to be far more comfortable than coach class on AmericaWest.

Chloe and Chiggy-Killer are trying to play 'Guess which passenger is the mole,' by trying to figure out who Biff Henderson passed the recording off to, secretly assisted by Frau Blucher, who has in four hours completely changed character and decided to help Jack. She warns Chiggy that her security goons are almost at the door and promises to help Chiggy stall them. Chiggy has to hustle Chloe out the back door while some HLS security dudes come in the front door and are promptly knocked down by a big golden retriever.

The security goons demand to know where Chloe is. Chiggy promptly strips to his tidy-whiteys. "Go ahead and torture me, I'll never tell you! Do your worst!"

And Chloe promptly finds an open hotel bar and goes in to pick up some sailors. She imediately catches the eye of a drunken John Lithgow.

Meanwhile, Jack has made his way to the cabin... which either has an amazing amount of headroom or Jack is 4' 6". Chloe tells Jack where to find the Air Marshall, and Jack takes the seat next to him and begins to tell the story of how he met Audrey at a seedy pirate dive bar where girl scouts were knife-fighting and they danced to "Stayin' Alive" under a giant disco ball. The Air Marshall hangs himself, and Jack takes his gun and badge.

02:14:56 to 02:25:30

Chloe has linked one passenger to Biff Henderson, George Meyer, creator of the beloved "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoons. Jack flashes his Air Marshall badge to the passenger and leads him back toward the galley, then conks him on the head and drags him into the cargo hold to the tune of "Phantom of the Opera" music.

Back at the presidential retreat, Mary Todd Logan is practicing her Chloe impression, calling her husband a "son of a bitch" and telling her Secret Service Agent, "You don't have much of a personality, do you, Justin?" Fortunately, Mary Todd has several, but what she really wants are drugs. She calls Cheney, "Hey, have you got any drugs," she asks, "looks like I picked the wrong week to give up anti-psychotic meds." "Nope, just booze and guns," Cheney tells her. "Go ask that son of a bitch for some drugs," she tells him. Cheney agrees to ask the son of a bitch for some drugs.

The SOB in question, President Weasel, is taking orders on the phone from Evil David Cross, who demands, "Have they found Bauer, yet?" Weasel assures him that they're working on it. Then, Cheney walks in, "Hey, man, can I score some drugs for your old lady?" "No, no more pills," Weasel shrieks. "Aw, c'mon man, you used to be cool." Weasel relents and Cheney scores some ludes and ecstasy.

Jack begins to interrogate Meyer but is having trouble understanding his thick German accent. Fortunately, Barbara Billingsley shows up and helps translate. Captain Oveur turns on the seatbelt sign as the plane heads into turbulence. The turbulence revives the air marshall, who tells the stew that someone knocked him out and now his badge and gun are missing. "Surely, you didn't let him take your gun?" she says. "He did take my gun, and stop calling me Shirley," replies the Air Marshall.

2:30:19 to 2:39:07

As Captain Oveur is asking a young boy if he's ever been in a Turkish prison, the stew comes in and tells him something happened to the Air Marshall. "The Air Marshall? What is it?" "He's the guy in the back of the plane with a gun, but that's not important right now."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney returns to Mary Todd Logan with the drugs, "Room Service at the Chelsea Hotel," he deadpans. She gratefully takes the pills. "Thanks, Mike. Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up Adderall, Zyprexa, Prozac, Thorazine, Prolixin, Trilafon, Compazine, Mellaril, Stelazine, Haldol, Clozaril, Risperdal, Seroquel and Symbyax."

The Air Marshall and the stews have noticed that one of the passengers is missing. Eventually, they figure out Jack is in the cargo hold with the passenger. They alert the cockpit crew to a problem in the cargo hold. "The cargo hold? What is it?" Captain Oveur asks. "It's that room under the plane where we keep all the luggage, but that's not important right now," the stew tells him. Captain Oveur shuts down life support to the cargo hold in hopes of killing Jack.

Jack... in total violation of asinine and pointless FAA regulations ... uses his cell phone and gets Chloe to patch him through to Captain Oveur. Meanwhile, Chloe fends off advances from John Lithgow and finally tasers him... which we all kinda wanted to do after the fourth season of Third Rock From the Sun. She figures out that George Meyer couldn't be Biff Henderson's contact since he was in customs when the hand-off was made. Amazing that airlines have records of that when half the time they can't even remember they sold you a seat.

Jack tries to talk Captain Oveur into not depressurizing the hold, but Oveur just says, "Die, Die like the rat you are." So, Jack cuts open a panel that apparently gives him access to all the wires that control the plane. He pulls them, causing the plane to pitch violently, which is a different kind of flying altogether. Captain Oveur relents, a stew opens the cargo hold to find Jack pointing a gun at her. "Now, bring me a Kosher meal and some peanuts!"

Jack hijacks the plane, forcing the 1st Class passengers into coach, at which point the real screaming begins when they see the tiny middle seats and lousy meal service. Jack demands to be let into the cockpit, but Captain Oveur refuses, saying he's going to land the plane. This gives Jack only fifteen minutes to interrogate 50 passengers, and he only brought one set of steak knives.

02:43:32 to 02:49:47

Dick Cheney picks up a newspaper. "Passenger's Certain to Die." He passes it to VP Captain Murphy. "President Logan Negligient." He passes it to Logan, "There's a sale at Penney's." He knows he can't let Jack land the plane and bring back the evidence against him, so he orders Jack brought in dead or alive. (Which, in Airplane, would be the cue for Jack to dance with the pilot and the stews to 'You Spin Me Round.")

Chiggy arrives at CTU, where Frau Blucher tells him that she's going to interrogate him by tying him up and denying him his fruit cup. Brick Tamlin senses that someone in Homeland Security might actually be doing her job, and decides to squeal to Dick Cheney, but Cheney blows him off and tells him to go eat a big red candle.

02:54:17 to 02:59:59

Chloe zaps John Lithgow again, "And that's for The World According to Garp!" She finds out that the real mole is the co-pilot, Roger Murdock. She passes the info to Jack, who demands to be let into the cockpit, to which Captain Oveur replies, "Not by the hair of my chinny, chin chin."

Jack then tells Captain Oveur about his last mission over Drambuie, the death of George Zip, and his subsequent rehabilitation in the base hospital. Captain Oveur agrees to open the door, but only if Jack promises to shoot him. Jack forces his way into the cockpit and holds a gun on the co-pilot.

Jack: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Roger Murdock: I'm sorry, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.

Jack points the gun to his head: "Listen, you're Kareem Abdul Jabbar and you have the recording Biff Henderson gave you, but I don't think you want to die for it, so give it up or I'll shoot you so bad you'll wish I didn't shoot you so bad."

So, after some grumbling about dragging Walton up and down the court, Murdock gives up the recording. Jack shoves the gun to his neck. "Now, land this plane."

Meanwhile, back at the presidential retreat, Mary Todd is in full-on Courtney Love mode... strung out on goofballs and ranting about how out of the loop she was on the whole supplying nerve gas to terrorists deal. I'm thinkin' O.D.

Then, Weasel consults with Evil David Cross on what to do now that Jack has the recording. They both agree that shooting down the plane is their best option. "They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash."

9 comments:

The Man said...

Next week: They pour all the lights onto the runway and Jack Bauer shoots a HaraChrishna.

lawhawk said...

Dude. Sweet. Dude.

What Jack needed from Chloe to make the interrogations run much smoother was an English to Jive translator.

And one can imagine that the FAA controller Chloe and Frau are communicating with is probably thinking that today was a bad day to quit drinking. Heavily.

NDwalters said...

Very cool, puts my summary to shame, but I love the Airplane! jokes..... Roger, Roger. What's your vector, Victor?

Rob said...

Chloe!
Chloe!
Chloe!

Ok, so it's not Chloe with a rapid-fire BFG mowing down dozens of bad guys. Still, Chloe tasering the drunk bar dude twice was pure joy! I bet women at bars around the world are wishing they were Chloe!

Rob of UnSpace/////// Chloe Rules!

Little Miss Chatterbox said...

Ditto what Rob said. Chloe was awesome in this episode.

Great job as always V the K!!

Vinnie said...

Only thing missing was the guy who thought he was Ethel Merman.

NDwalters said...

Chloe was almost cracking a grin after tasing, or drive-stunning ole Chazz Reingold the barfly.

Chris of Dangerous Logic said...

"Hey, baby, whass yurr sign? I'ma Taurus, you know, the bull."

"Electra."

"Electra?"

"You know, Reddy Kilowatt."

ZAP!

Greg said...

I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande.