TivoBloggin': The Followin' Done Took Place Betwixt 3:00 am and 4:00 am. Woooo-EEEE!

Over the weekend, I watched the movie Evolution, in which President Logan gets dragged into a water hazard by a horrible alien prehistoric creature to his death. I don't know why I bring that up, except that maybe the alien prehistoric creature could show up for a Point/Counterpoint.

03:00:00 to 03:12:03

"I Want Every Light We've Got Poured onto that runway." Jack is still on a plane, posed to swat the co-pilot, Roger Murdock, with his man-purse if he does anything other than land the plane. Frau Blucher calls up Token and orders him to go the airport to pick up Jack. Token growls, "What am I, your damned chauffeur?"

S4GF is in the CTU infirmary, next to the bodies of Edgar and Sam Gamgee, who are beginning to get a little gamey. But there is good news. In addition to having saved a bundle on car insurance, she learns that her father, Bo Duke Hellfeld, apparently survived the crash into the ocean. Apparently, his helmet hair cushioned the impact.

President Weasel considers what to do about Jack about to land with the recording that shows he was in on David Palmer's assassination. It will cause a major scandal that will destroy his presidency. Dick Morris advises him to just "Stick it out and Stonewall! Stonewall! Stonewall! We'll get James Carville to blame it on a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy to destroy the president." But then Weasel gets a call from Leonard Betts (the evil earphone guy {obscure reference to end all obscure references), who has a plan.

Leonard Betts: "We will get the plane to transmit a VCI signal." '
President Weasel: 'The VCI signal? What is it?"
Leonard Betts: "It's a signal that the plane's been hijacked by terrorists, but that's not important right now..."

He goes on to explain that if the plane transmits a VCI signal, the military is required to shoot it down. So, most airlines are really careful about making sure they don' turn on accidentally. Except at AmericaWest, where they just don't give a damn.

Chiggy Killer and Frau Blucher make the mistake of talking in front of Brick Tamlin (a.k.a HLS Dick, a.k.a. Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git). Who escalates from "Whiny and Annoying" to full-on Al Franken fingernails-on-chalkboard mode. She has to promise to explain to him later why she's decided to work with the guy she just had arrested. And he goes off to chew on the drywall until he is needed again.

Dick Cheney reports that the FAA has picked up a "VCI Distress Signal." Weasel plays dumb. ''The VCI signal what is it?" "It's a signal that the plane's been hijacked by terrorists, but that's not important right now..."

Admiral Itchy-Trigger-Finger rings up the president. "Hey, can we shoot down that plane?"

Cheney: "Mr President, that wouldn't make any sense."

Weasel: "Agreed. Burn that mother."

Frau Blucher gets the word that his plane is about to be shot down and alerts Jack. Jack gets an idea. "Let's land on a freeway. I've always wanted to do that." Leslie Nielsen opens the cockpit door, "I just want you to know, we're all counting on you."

03:16:13 to 03:23:35

Chloe returns to CTU under heavy guard. Frau Blucher explains that they need Chloe to talk to Jack and warn him that there's an F/A-18 ready to unload a Sidewinder on his ass. They communicate this intel to Jack while Chloe tries to hack into the F/-18 and reprogram its missile to blow up John Lithgow.

Jack runs back into the cabin and grabs the lead flight attendant. "We need to make an emergency landing."

"Emergency landing, what is it?"

"You're the damned stewardess, figure it out." He returns to the cockpit, where Chiggy calls him on the phone.

Chiggy: "Hey, we found a stretch of freeway that's almost long enough."

Jack takes out his space-folding device. "I'll make it long enough."

Chloe discovers the F/A-18 is on their tail like Andrew Sullivan on a Fire Island pool boy. Jack tells Roger Murdock to put the plane into a steep dive. Murdock insists the plane can't handle it. Jack hits him with his man-purse, then handcuffs him to the yoke. "We're putting down on that freeway." Leslie Nielsen opens the cockpit door, "I just want you to know, we're all counting on you."

"The aircraft is in a landing profile. We can't shoot it down now," says Admiral Itchy-Trigger-Finger. Weasel reluctantly orders them to abort.

The plane hits the freeway and skids to a stop just short of an overpass. Leslie Nielsen opens the cockpit door, "I just want you to know, we're all counting on you." Jack coolly orders everybody out the back of the plane, then sneaks out a side-door. He calls Token and they agree to meet under the overpass by moonlight. Sounds like one of Edgar's "dates."


03:27:43 to 03:36:12

Jack hides in the bushes, waiting for a large black man to come along and invite him into his car; again, not unlike one of Edgar's "dates." He spots Token's car and then runs across the freeway, still clutching his man-purse. Upon entering the car, they transform from Jack and Token into the crimefighting duo of Bacardi and Cola. As they try to flee, their exit is blocked by a company of Marines. A man in uniform approaches Cola's car and points a gun at him. Being a black driver in Los Angeles, Cola is used to this. Cola sweet-talks his way past the Marine patrols by daring him to shoot him. The Man backs down. Cola drives off giving the Black Power salute.

Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git calls Frau Blucher and threatens to hold his breath until he gets a guest spot on House unless she tells him what's going on. "I don't deserve this," he whines like the crybaby little girl he is. She agrees to talk to him. She tells him about Jack Bauer and the recording. "You're covertly helping Bauer? I thought you loved me best." Frau Blucher pinches him behind the ear to keep him docile and submissive. Then, she goes out to formalize the transfer of Comrade HATO (Remember him) to Federal custody. He is walked out of CTU by a whole squad of DHS Security, and exchanges knowing winks with one of them, which no one else in the security detachment notices.

Nice to see that the DHS takeover hasn't affected CTU security standards.


03:40:24 to 03:47:43

"Where's the guy who looks like Dick Cheney?" Weasel demands. Like Radar O'Reilly, Dick Cheney immediately appears at his side. "Bauer seems to have escaped the perimeter," he reports. Weasel gets a weird look on his face. "Jack Bauer is a bad man. I'm wishing him into the corn!" But that doesn't work. Cheney leaves. And the phone rigs. And Weasel lets it ring and ring. He looks very sad.

Jack passes the recording to the only person he can trust, namely Chloe. Meanwhile, S4GF is trying to reach her dad in ICU, when Jack walks in an her eyes light up like a thousand dollar shopping spree, "Oh, Jack, you're back and my fathers going to live. I just know that from now on, everything's going to be all right."

Jack holds her oh-so-tenderly. "President Weasel is going to pay for Davd Palmer's assassination... and this is one bill he can't put on his Discover card."

Meanwhle, Weasel takes a box from the shelf, and gives a call to Leonard Betts. Betts tells him, "A trial would be bad for the country. It would be like OJ times 911 times 36,000,000. You know what you have to do." Weasel takes a gun from the box.


03:51:53 to 3:59:59

Weasel drops in on Mary Todd Weasel, all bundled up and laying on the couch, watching infomercials and snarfing Haagen-Daaz. "Can I come in?"

Mary Todd is still Chloeing. "Now, you want to talk? Is there something else you want to confess?"

Weasel channels Phil Donahue. "I can live with gassing a bunch of people, framing Jack Bauer, almost getting you and the Russian president killed, and almost shooting down a plane full of innocent people... but I'm really sorry about hurting you."

Mary Todd offers him little comfort. "Well, on the plus side, Jimmy Carter must be glad that he's no longer the Worst President Ever."

Weasel goes back to his study, takes out the gun and a bottle of JD, and is about to finish himself off when the phone rings. "Damn phone always rings when you're about to do something..." To no one's surprise, it's Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. "Jack Bauer has just brought a recording here to play for the Attorney-General. I am prepared to intervene."

"Let me know how it works out." Weasel puts the gun away and pours himself another Scotch. "Thank God, there's always someone who's a bigger rodent than you."

Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git goes to the conference room where Chloe is working on authenticating the recording. He emits a piercing, whining noise ... no, wait, that's just his natural voice ... that keeps her distracted while he holds a tiny blinking Cylon next to the recording. When she plays it for the Attorney-General, all he'll hear is the Theme from 'Gilligan's Island.'