Top 10 Reasons Jack Bauer Hates Soccer
10. 0-0 ties.
9. Hooking up an opponent's nipples to a car battery might get him a red card.
8. All the damn foreigners.
7. Hacksaws are not allowed.
6. Edgar Stiles in soccer shorts.
5. FIFA looks down on torturing referees.
4. It's boring.
3. Team USA takes 43 shots to score a goal. Jack Bauer takes 4 shots to shoot down a helicopter.
2. Bauer's post-goal celebration of shoving a towel down the throat of the goalie and pissing on his forehead earned 156 yellow cards.
1. Audrey Raines likes soccer.