Carnival of Bauer

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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Who Knew?
I've been given inside access to the plot of the upcoming season of 24. We all know the rumors that Jack Bauer will be pulled out of his peaceful existence (hidden by his faked death) when he is accused of unspeakable crimes. So what are those alleged crimes?

Well, as you can see in the picture at the left, Bauer has been accused of starting the Paris race riots. (Which, by the way, are still going on despite the fact that they have been completely ignored in the press for the past 3 weeks).

[UPDATE [12/31/2005 - 23:23]: Don't believe me about the French thing? Well, listen to this:
About 25,000 French police were on alert for the holiday. Every New Year's Eve, youths set several hundred cars ablaze as festivities get out of hand.
Don't believe it when they try to tell you the crisis is over.]

Feel free to treat this as a caption contest.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Looking over recent casting suggestions for 24, I had a thought of my own on this.
John McClane (Bruce Willis of course) from the Die Hard movies, could be Jack's partner.
He has no problem smoking terrorists, foreigners and criminals, and he's a total badass like Jack.

Maybe in the first episode John McClane could smite John McCain for being a terrorist-coddling p###y.

Maybe the Alias chick could help them!

Heh. Yippee-Ki-Yay... indeed!

Believe it or not, I don't sit around all day and make Blogs4Bauer banners. Click here for the image above without the text to create your own Blogs4Bauer banner.
Sorry about that
If you happened to visit this blog between the hours of 0:00 and 2:35 Eastern, you found an extremely weird-looking, picture-less version. I had been hosting a lot of the images on a website that has gone down inexplicably. I have now moved all of those images to blogger, so as long as their servers are up, we should be good to go.

Also, I've added another update to this post.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Is a Behrooz reference acceptable?
Blogs4Bauer Challenge: Calling Jack Bauer

You can give Jack Bauer's cell phone a call at 1-888-9-24-JACK (1-888-924-5225) - no kidding. While he didn't answer my question on how he keeps his cell phone charged for 24 hours, he did ask me how I got his number. Duhh, a mole at CTU gave it to me.
Blogs4Bauer Challenge:
What are some other questions you would like to ask Jack?
RFTR would probably want Jack to ask Kim to be his friend on Myspace.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Are you kidding me?
Allow me to take a brief break from my Kim Bauer obsession in order to address a very serious matter. Craig Crawford writes on HuffPost:
I have been watching dozens of back episodes of Fox Broadcasting's '24' over the holidays, and so far I haven't seen rogue U.S. counter-terrorism agent Jack Bauer stop once for a court warrant -- not even when he sawed off the head of an informant he was interrogating. Come to think of it, I haven't heard the Constitution mentioned a single time as Bauer, played by Kiefer Sutherland, repeatedly breaks the rules to thwart terrorist plots.

This is how the President wants us to see the real world. Indeed, George Bush is the Jack Bauer of presidential power. There are no rules in Bush's world when it comes to the War on Terror[...]
Crawford writes this as an indictment of Bush. Is he kidding? Is he completely unaware of the wild popularity of the show? Is he oblivious to the fact that many, many Americans desperately wish Jack Bauer was leading the war on terrorism?

Furthermore, Crawford shows his distinct ignorance of the show. George Bush is not the Jack Bauer of presidential power. That's absurd. You don't need a Jack Bauer of presidential power, when you, conveniently, have a powerful, fast-acting presidential figure right there to set up as an example—if anything Crawford should have said that George Bush is the David Palmer of the real world. Personally, I'd disagree with even that—but if he was, he'd certainly have my unflinching support.

Seriously, the guy saved the world 4 times already—and Crawford thinks comparing him to Bush is going to hurt the president's image?

Delusional people scare me. And now, back to my regular Kim-blogging...

UPDATE [12/28/2005 - 17:53]: This just in... Rasmussen (via InstaPundit) has polling information that suggests the same thing I was talking about above. The "keeper stat" (as John Madden might say):

Sixty-four percent (64%) of Americans believe the National Security Agency (NSA) should be allowed to intercept telephone conversations between terrorism suspects in other countries and people living in the United States. A Rasmussen Reports survey found that just 23% disagree[...]

Just 26% believe President Bush is the first to authorize a program like the one currently in the news.
Not only are Americans not bothered by the news that the NSA was tapping our phone lines, but 74% of us thought it was already happening. (Come on, we've all heard the stories of massive supercomputers at Fort Meade that listen in for words like "bomb," "terrorist," "president," "assasinate," etc. Who knew they weren't true?)

I think it's time for the U.S. to adopt a new motto:
America: A nation of Palmers—we want Jack; France can have Logan (and Kerry) back.
UPDATE [12/30/2005 - 1:48]: And here's another one! Unbelievable:
After many long nights of contemplating the domestic and foreign policies of our esteemed leader President George W. Bush, I think I have finally figured out both his philosophy and my problem with it.

President Bush obviously has been watching too much of the television series '24.'
Why do these people think this is a convincing argument? In the next paragraph, we get a bit of a hint—it is only persuasive to people who've never seen the show, and the author knows it:
For those of you unfamiliar with the Fox program, '24' depicts a fictional governmental unit called CTU - Counter Terrorist Unit. The main characters are Agent Jack Bauer and Senator/President/Ex-President David Palmer. Together, these two men deal with and defeat terrorists who try and attack the United States and inflict terrible casualties upon innocent Americans.
People who are familiar with the show, of course, think that maybe the President is doing the right thing.
Robocop to Join Cast of 24
If having Kim Bauer back was not enough to cause Wyatt Earp to call in sick with morning wood, the producers of 24 have brought in Robocop (aka Peter Weller) as a federal agent for season 5. Gentlemen - start your TIVOs.

Robocop plays a father figure for Jack, which explains why Jack's amazing aim and ability to speed across LA to CTU HQ in the time it takes to air a State Farm commercial.

Former Goonie Sean Astin has also has joined the cast as a CTU agent. Spoiler Alert: Mikey gets "Special" Agent Edgar Stiles to perform the Truffle Shuffle for a vanilla frosted donut in the season opener. Jack then helps Edgar and Mikey save their homes by fighting off the Fratellis and discovering pirate booty.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The 6 Degrees of Jack Bauer: Part 1

Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) was in was in Few Good Men, A (1992) with Kevin Bacon

Sean Astin was in White Water Summer (1987) with Kevin Bacon who was in Few Good Men, A (1992) with Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland)

Ron Jeremy was in Detroit Rock City (1999) with Paul Brogren Paul Brogren was in Cavedweller (2004) with Kevin Bacon who was in Few Good Men, A (1992) with Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland)

Ronald Reagan was in Young Doctors, The (1961) with Eddie Albert Eddie Albert was in Big Picture, The (1989) with Kevin Bacon who was in Few Good Men, A (1992) with Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland)

Seann William Scott "Stiffler" was in Old School (2003) with Luke Wilson (I) Luke Wilson (I) was in My Dog Skip (2000) with Kevin Bacon who was in Few Good Men, A (1992) with Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland)

Elisha Cuthbert was in Love Actually (2003) with Laura Linney Laura Linney was in Mystic River (2003) with Kevin Bacon who was in Few Good Men, A (1992) with Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland)

(Source - The Oracle of Bacon)
Who's Jack Bauer?

I was asked this question several times over the past week, as I announced to my friends and neighbors that our favorite counter terrorist agent was back from the dead and set to begin a new season of non-stop action on the FOX network. I was taken aback when asked 'Who's Jack Bauer' as I thought this show reached across all demographics and age ranges. From 3 year olds to grandmothers, 24 is a groundbreaking program that shuns no-one from it's viewing range. However, it seemed that the same people who though that the 'Soprano's' was a local pizza joint, were now questioning the existence of Jack Bauer.

To explain the enigma that is Jack Bauer, I had to reach deep within my temperal lobe, probing regions of my brain that enabled me to dig up the patience to deal with these pop-culture morons. Simply put, I told them, Jack Bauer is the hero that this nation desperately needs. Jack Bauer is the anger within all of us that boils up to our cornias' when we hear about another loss of innocent life in a car bombing. Jack Bauer is the hatred we feel deep in the cockles for those dirt bag sand clowns that plan and plot to kill children on a public bus. Jack Bauer is the badass we all wish we could be, except with a little more time than a day.

This response, however articulated and conveyed to the proposer of the question, did not seem to be something they could fathom, much less understand.

It went more like this:

"Jack Bauer, is the character on '24' on FOX. Played by Kiefer Sutherland."
"Oh. I never knew his name. I watched it once or twice. Kind of hard to follow."
"It would be when you have the intelligence of a armidillo turd."

This season Jack returns to his more-than-human glory. Righting wrongs and saving the world once again. It seems however, that the world outside of television has yet to realize the power and strength this kind of character could bring to the real world, should we allow him to exist. If Jack Bauer were a true character, saving the world on a daily basis in public view - his tactics would be much different, thanks to the liberals and their ass kissing attitudes. It's them that ask me 'Who's Jack Bauer?' And it's them who should really get to know the man, because someday, they'll be wondering where he is to save them from disaster.

Yes, I turned that into a liberal bashing post

It's easy. You see, liberals aren't like normal people, you can offend them easier than you can get laid in a Thai whorehouse. Of course, offending them won't cost you $15.00, but you get the point.

What do you think?

Blogs4Bauer Challenge: The Game - Recap
Are you a Playstation 2 owner and a 24 fan? Your prayers have been answered in the form of 24: The Game. Madden can take his sissy football game and shove it, get ready to save the world using your two thumbs.Click here for the game's website and sign up for email updates.

I know that one blogger will be happy to know that Kim Bauer is included in the plot.

List the top 5 features you would like to see included in the game.

Wyatt Earp wants access to the terrorist's nipples to go at them Rambo: Part 2 style.

The Man lists a top 5 which includes an addition of Golgo 13, an improved torture mode, and a look at the game's version of Kim Bauer.


1 - a mini game-within-the-game where you have to see how long you can keep your partner alive while doing all the heavy lifting yourself
2 - a "whack a mole" mode, where Jack runs through CTU headquarters with a big hammer, smashing all the moles as they pop their heads out of their cubes.
3 - a demo driving mode, where we get to see how in the hell someone is able to drive through L.A. rush hour traffic and cross town in 8 minutes.
4 - switchable roles: you get to play the role of the hungry mountain lion and see if you can bite off a piece of Kim.
5 - there has to be a feature where if Jack dies, there is a certain combination of buttons that, if pressed in the correct sequence" bring Jack back to life. Just like on TeeVee!

1. Kim nekkid.
2. Jack gets to torture Osama.
3. Jack gets to torture Ted Kennedy.
4. Jack gets to torture Pelosi.
5. Jack gets to run over Michael Moore with a steam-roller, then you push a button to spit on the pile of resultant goo.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Stupid (Jack Bauer) Questions

Does Jack have to re-qualify at the pistol range every year, or does he get a free pass for shooting so many terrorists?

Does Jack ever use the phrase "I know President Palmer" to pick up chicks?

Does Jack have to complete the oodles of paperwork after shooting someone? And, if so, when does he get the time to do anything else?

When Jack was left at the Mexican border at the end of last season, did he cross at a checkpoint, or swim across the Rio Grande like the rest of the illegals?

Does Jack Bauer ever read my other blog, and if so, can you guys do it, too?

Friday, December 23, 2005

And so it begins...

Today starts the official countdown for the new season of 24. That is, there are 24 days until the season premiere.

I'm ready! Now, let's get Kim back for a few episodes, and then have her killed for her stupidity once and for all.
She's cute, but honestly, she's just too stupid to live.
So let's send her off with a proper demise. Something involving explosives, hopefully.
We have to face facts, the mountain lion sub-plot was gay.

All right folks, get on over to Blogs for Bauer to get the skinny on all that 24 goodness (except you're already here!).
Expect a real post on this later!
24 Top 10

RFTR wanted the B4B contributors to come up with something special for the big launch. Being a big, dumb guy, I thought he said big "lunch," so I waited until the last minute to think of an idea. Here we go:

The Top 10 Things I Don't Wanna See In The New Season

10. A Politically-Correct Enemy. I can't tell you how much I cringed when Keifer Sutherland's "All Arabs aren't terrorists" spots aired ad nauseum last season. We get it, guys. On a related note, there are very few Calvinist terrorists, so make your villains believable.

9. A Love Interest For Jack. Every woman Jack gets biz-aay with always ends up either dead, a terrorist, or a mega-bitch. Is it too much to ask for Jack to be celibate for one season?

8. Small Arms. Sure, the Glock is great for concealment, but it can't hurt to throw a few AR-15's in the mix once in a while. Blow stuff up!

7. Edgar Stiles. God, what a fat, whiny bastard! Like every other fan of the show, I despise this toad. Edgar, I'm glad your mother is dead. I only wish you could have been there with her.

6. A Whiny, Wishy-Washy President. Speaking of whiny bastards, are there any redeeming values to President Logan. Cripes, this guy must have been patterned after Jimmy Carter. The Commander-in-Chief should not sit when he pees. Logan does.

5. A 45-Minute Commercial For Ford. Look, I buy American, and I drive American, but the requisite whoring for the Ford Motor Company really frosts my weenie. Enough already.

4. Any Hiatus. 24 episodes in a row, please. End of message.

3. Another Mole. CTU Los Angeles has more moles than Cindy Crawford. Who the hell runs NCIC checks on these people, Stevie Wonder? Note to the producers: no government agency on earth has as many infiltrations as CTU does! Well, except maybe the EPA.

2. Chloe "Out Of Uniform." I can barely look at this broad when she's fully clothed. Brutal.

And the number one thing I don't wanna see this season is . . .

1. Michelle Dessler "In Uniform." Hubba, hubba!

"Houston, we have a hottie!"

The Day You've All Been Waiting For
With this post, I announce the launch of the new Blogs4Bauer!

Why now? Because the 5th season of 24 premieres in 24 days—so what better time than now? You can check back here for updates whenever there is 24 news, guesses about plots twists and body counts, and the inevitable Monday night live-blogging.

So let's get started.

It seems that the producers of 24 decided that they wanted to milk us a bit before this upcoming season premiere. They decided that it would be a good idea to produce a special prequel, which they won't ever air:
With the fifth season premiere still a month away, fans can learn what Jack's life on the road has been like on a DVD of the show's fourth season, which has a prequel containing material that will never air on television[...]

The DVD set, which was released on Dec. 6, includes a prequel to the fifth season that gives a taste of what life on the run was like for a disheveled, longhaired Bauer. More important, it offers a glimpse into a medium that is changing faster than any day in Bauer's life and one that increasingly gives control of its viewing to the audience, whether it's on DVRs, iPods, the Web or DVD.

'The moment that the season finale aired, the fans were on the Web site beginning to think about what Season Five could be,' said Gary Newman, a co-president of 20th Century Fox Television, which co-produces the show. 'So we looked at this as kind of an opportunity to reward the people who are spending a lot of money on the DVD to give them something extra and to generate excitement for the next season.'
Don't forget, Gary, that you thought you could convince more of us to buy your product, too.

Blogs4Bauer fans don't need the prequel, though, as we can imagine our own! So lay it on me, people—use the comments and tell me what you think has happened to Jack Bauer since he faked his death.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Blogs For Bauer Challenge 1 Recap

Former Goonie, Sean Astin will join the cast of 24 next season. His role has not been made public, which gives us time to pursuade the producers at Fox to change their mind. Personally, I would like to see Stone Cold Steve Austin instead of Sean "Mikey" Astin.
Who would you like to see on the next season of 24: Sean Astin or some other actor? What role would they play in the show?
Sobek came up with a very special episode of 24.
The Man wants more Goonies.
V the K finally finds a use for The Olson Twins