Jack Bauer Killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

Centcom Representative: Al Qaeda's top terrorist in Iraq, Abu Musab al Zarqawi, was tortured and killed in an airstrike yesterday.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Excuse me, what do you mean "tortured" and killed? I thought this was an airstrike? Was Jack Bauer involved in any way?

Centcom Representative: (Sigh) Helen, you know full well that Jack Bauer is dead.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: I do not know that. I was never given exclusive rights to see his corpse. And look at me, I know a corpse when I see one.

Centcom Representative: Helen, Mr. Bauer's corpse is not a matter of public record. The airstrike was successful, and Iraq's top terrorist leader is taking a dirt nap.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Fine. Can you tell me the details involving this "airstrike?"

Centcom Representative: American fighters dropped two 500-pound bombs onto Zarqawi's "safe house," killing him and many of his staff instantly.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Excuse me! We have heard reports that Zarqawi did not die instantly! Explain.

Centcom Representative: I did not hear these reports. What I can tell you is that after the strike a "sweeper team" searched the rubble and tor, er, found the men dead.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Did you start to say "torture?"

Centcom Representative: Um, no. I, uh . . .

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Spit it out.

Centcom Representative: All right! All right! Zarqawi was not immediately killed, so the "sweeper team" consisting of Jack Bauer (and only Jack Bauer) went in, hooked the targets nipples to a car battery and started the fireworks. Happy?

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Absolutely. (Smirks.)

Centcom Representative: (Whispering) Bitch.