Jack Bauer, Equal-opportunity Ass-kicker

After the first four hours of Season 5, I noticed something was missing. No, it was not the All-state commercials with President Palmer or Jack Bauer's hairline. We now have Hobbits in the Bill Buchanan's office and Jack Bauer's cell phone has almost as many kills as Jack, but what was missing was a disclaimer to start off the festivities of Season 5.

If you recall last season, CAIR (Council on American-Islamic Relations) forced Fox to run a disclaimer prior to 24, stating that it's just a TV show and muslims are our friends - even Berhooz. I called Fox out on this, going so far as to call Jack Bauer a sissy. I noted that if it were not for the fanatical muslims plotting terror in America, there would be nothing realistic about 24.

So we have a new season of bad guys for Jack to take out, with the help of Sam Gangee and Robocop. This time we have some sort of Russian breakaway republic sending us bad guys with bad accents and even worse hair. Where's the PSA stating that people with bad hair and Russian accents who come from rogue Russian republics are not all bad people? I need to know so I don't get in a cab and start giving my driver a wet-willie while calling him a terrorist who killed our first black president/spokesman for All-state, President Palmer.

I expect to see the following run prior to the next episode of 24:

"Hi. My name is Kiefer Sutherland. And I play counter-terrorist agent Jack Bauer on Fox's 24. I would like to take a moment to talk to you about something that I think is very important. Now while terrorism is obviously one of the most critical challenges facing our nation and the world, it is important to recognize that the Russians from Rogue Breakaway Republics-American community stands firmly beside their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism. So in watching 24, please, bear that in mind."

To show my dedication to this, I have emailed Fox with this request (below). If you don't believe me, check the blogs4bauer sent email folder. Yes - I worked Kim Bauer into this post.

24: Season 5 — 9:00 AM-10:00 AM and 10:00 AM-11:00 AM — Live-Blogging
Hey there 24 fans! RFTR here, with your live-blogging action for the second-half of the Season 5 premiere. I'm fresh off the visit from my girlfriend. I watched the first two hours on DVR this afternoon. And now, I'm sitting here, prepped in front of a 50-inch (not sure if that's accurate, but it's huge), flat-panel, HD television. I'll be posting every time I find something interesting, so keep refreshing for more commentary. Also, feel free to use the comments section as an open-forum for your own comments, as we offered for last night's episodes.

We'll be starting in just about 21 minutes.

[8:51 - Clarification: the times I'm posting are my clock, local time on the East Coast. By doing this, I've noticed that the 24 clock does not actually run at real time. It was 8:01 local time when they started at 9:00 AM 24 time. Now it's 8:51, and they're calling it 9:56. Oops.]

8:04 - 1st death—hostage trying to dial his cell phone.

8:06 - How did the terrorist guy know what number to call to reach that cop's cell phone? Wouldn't he have just called 911?

8:08 - Jack puts Buchanan in his place for the first time. "Understand this... I don't work for you." Classic Jack.

8:10 - Logan is an idiot. But then, we all knew that. Can anyone tell me why he's acting so folksy and strange? Also, should we be embarrassed that the Russian President knew as soon as our own about a terrorist attack in the United States?

Oh, and I love Chloe.

8:13 - "We have to get these lunatics off the air." What does he possibly think they can do to make that happen? I guarantee you that he'll reject the only possible method—turning Jack lose on the terminal.

Oh, good. And now he's throwing a hissy fit. And his wife is the one that has "episodes"? "I don't care how you do it, I don't care what it takes, fix it!"? Sounds like good leadership, and calm, level-headed, sane behavior. Quite the contrast with his wife, right?

8:16 - How convenient is that bag of tricks that Jack packed? I can't wait to see how much cool stuff he pulls out of it.

8:21 - 2nd death—random hostage by the bad guys.

8:25 - I have a feeling that Jack is going to "jeopardize the mission," from the perspective of everyone at CTU—but end up saving the day just the same. Anyone with me?

Second commercial break. The Man is right—body count's about to jump.

8:31 - Why does Chloe always get herself into these situations helping Jack?

Oh, right. Jack's the man.

8:35 - So, why is Mrs. Logan medicated? She's seeming remarkably sane right now—maybe we need a Hoover situation where the First Lady becomes the de facto president? Come on, that was a good move with the communications weenie.

8:40 - He may be a snot-nosed punk, but the kid is holding up pretty well. I have to give him credit for that.

But seriously, can't someone hold up a tissue for him or something? That's gross.

8:41 - Death 3, terrorist that Jack detonated. Nice. [The Man seems to think there was an incidental death from the detonation, another terrorist—that would make death 4].

8:43 - Bill Buchanan's face looked just like mine would be when the receptionist announced that President Logan was on the line. "Oh crap, what now?"

And now Logan's face betrayed his weasel ways pretty well at the mention of the name Jack Bauer. What a bitch. As one of my fellow viewers just commented "They really make him out to be a total f*cking asshole, don't they?"

8:49 - Anyone else think that Curtis is about to take a bullet? He's been Jack's sidekick for far too long...

8:55 - Don't abort! Noooooo! Here comes the edge-of-your-seat cliffhanger. Jerks.

8:58 - My fellow viewer thinks we're about to see the end of Jack Bauer. Any takers? All I can say is that on Inside the Actor's Studio, Kiefer said that 24 will not finish its run with a living Jack Bauer, and that he will die when you least suspect it.

9:01 - "Your President is a weak man—he'll back down once more blood is spilled." Bad news—this terrorist leader is observant.

9:04 - Sure enough, Logan is heading in that direction.

9:07 - So District is sending Hobbits to CTU now? Oh, and I failed to mark the shooting of that last hostage. My bad, we're up to 5.

9:10 - I sure hope that "Flank 2 position" was code for "don't trust anything I say because I've been taken hostage."

9:15 - I'm not sure I like Samwise in this role. "Fighting me isn't going to increase our chances of saving those people's lives." Yeah, well, neither is your interfering with one of the very few CTU heads who has shown even the remotest competence. Somebody put a cap in that Hobbit's ass.

9:22 - Logan even has a wimpy wave as he takes the stage. This guy has got to go.

9:23 - From AllState, sponsored by President Palmer, we now have Jack Bauer sponsoring a joint-commercial for Intel and Macintosh. I'm going to have to watch now to see what brand of computer CTU is using this season.

9:30 - So District sends a guy down who can't manage an office worth a damn. It's good to see that Fox has our great government red-tape down to a T.

9:37 - Oops. Samwise picked up on the code! Way to go, hobbittsess. Saving the precious! (By which I mean Jack).

9:41 - Full breach, and I've lost count of how many terrorist just bit the dust. The Man? I'm looking at you for a total count. If you can't pull it, I'll go to the DVR recording this weekend and get a full count.

The rescue operation that YOU authorized, Logan? Yeah, well, good think you have Jack Bauer and Curtis Manning to take care of all the dirty work for you.

9:44 - Can anyone tell me why Jack didn't go after that mole/hostage as soon as the breach was done? Is he slipping?

9:49 - "Do not ruin this moment for me." What a sleazeball! Unbelievable. Only 24 could stroke our patriotic instincts so well and still have us all wishing for a presidential assassination.

9:53 - Now we're in trouble. Bauer handed over his bag of tricks, and the sleeper just handed over the keycard.

9:55 - Any guesses as to what's in the cannisters?

10:00 - Looks like nerve gas, if you can go by what Mike said...

Thus ends another 2 hours in the life of Jack Bauer.

The Man (the official death counter of Blogs4Bauer) puts the final death count at 14. I would just like to go on record and point out that I predicted this one, despite my wildly inaccurate predictions in the past.

Do we like the new banner?
Since Michelle is dead and Tony's gone critical, Wyatt suggested that we update the banner. As the primary webmaster for this group, I took that duty on myself. I've added Chloe, since she's become a huge player, as well as a method of tracking the deaths of major characters, and, as you can plainly see, the CTU seal. I've kept Kim because The Man seems to think she'll show up in this season and because, as you've all seen, she's my favorite character—on a purely physical basis.

Let us know what you think by emailing Jack Bauer, or by posting your comments on this post.

And get ready for my live-blogging efforts tonight at 8 PM eastern.

Death Count Contest

Let me be the FIRST! to say 4 deaths.One major, three incidental. - The Conservative UAW Guy

It looks like almost everyone overshot the Death Count for the first two episodes, Hector Vex even went as high as 26. Come on people, this is not an episode of Over There on FX. UAW Guy decided to be like the blue-haired granny on The Price is Right and lowball us all. Congrats, but someone really should have guessed 5 deaths to block him.

Blogs 4 Bauer Challenge - 2 Hours Down - 22 to Go
Q: How many people will die in the next 2 hours?

The next 2 hours look to be as thrilling as the first 2. We have Jack chasing bad guys, Jack being chased by good guys, Jack being chased by the mullet-haired son of his girlfriend, and we have Tony getting a steady drip of morphine (you know he likes that-chase the dragon Tony).

Important Safety Tips From The Premiere of 24

1. Do Not Assassinate Friends of Jack Bauer.

2. Do Not Threaten to Kill Friends of Jack Bauer.

3. Do Not Taunt Jack Bauer.

4. Do Not Chase Guys Who Look Like Terrorists Into Airports Behind Jack Bauer.

5. If You Are a Friend of Jack Bauer, Consider the Remote Starter Option Now Available on Most Autmobiles.

6. If You Encounter Jack Bauer and Lots of Smoke in an Open Area, Leave Immediately.

7. Do Not Stand Between Jack Bauer and a Crime Scene.

8. Do Not Stand Between Jack Bauer and the Exit Route From a Crime Scene

9. Do Not Sit Too Close to Jack Bauer's TV, Especially if Jack's team just received a bad call and Jack reaches under the cushions.

10. It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.

Damage Control

I just realized that I posted a pic of Tereza Heinz-Kerry in the preceding segment, thus causing men around the globe to become impotent. Here is my formal apology:


We'll miss you, Michelle!

Fracking With the Designing Women Angle

OK, so, President Charles Logan (Gregory Itzin), who if he were any more of a weasel would do every scene with a bloody chicken carcass in his mouth, is apparently married to the unstable Jean Smart, formerly Charlene, one of the Designing Dingbats. This got me to thinking. I wonder if we could marry off the other Designing Women to their 24 counterparts.

Now, I wasn't a big Designing Women fan, but I think I saw a couple of episodes on Lifetime while at my kid's grandma's, and I read the IMDB "Memorable Quotes" feature to give me some of the flavor, so here's how I think it would go.



First of all, Dixie Carter, abrasive, opinionated, loud-mouthed, control freak harridan; the kind of woman who is like honey to pathetic girly-men utterly lacking in self-esteem --- especially if they have an eating disorder, sex addiction, and presidential ambitions. I wouldn't wish her on any living man, so she can have George Mason (Xander Berkely), because he is dead and less likely to be annoyed by her incessant nagging.

Delta Burke, comparatively, was a piece-of-cake. There was really only one logical choice for her on "24". I think she and her pot-bellied pig could fight Edgar Stiles (Louis Lombardi) for the last chicken wing, and enjoy ample downloaded-p0rn in Edgar's two bedroom apartment above a Del Taco in Culver City.

Wow, Edgar looks a helluva lot like Shatner in that picture. Hmmmm...




Which brings us to Annie Potts. I really don't remember anything about her character, so, what the hell, I'll hook her up with Wayne Palmer (DB Woodside), 'cos he looks like he needs to be hittin' it.

Finally, there was a fifth Designing Woman, or, technically, a Designing Gelding, a man so thoroughly emasculated that he happily peed sitting down like a German. Of course, I mean Meshach Taylor, and since he was happiest when strong women denied him any expression of his manhood, he would be very happy as the kept man of Erin Driscoll (Alberta Watson).

Co-Inky-Dink???

So, I'm watching 24 tonight (and loving it!) when I get my first glimpse of First Lady Martha Logan. She's sitting at a mirror getting her hair done, while President Logan (read: asshat) is talking to his assistant about keeping her "under control." Logan then babbles on and on - frankly, I'm losing all interest in this toad - about Martha's freak-outs and her ability to make a scene, when it hits me: Martha Logan IS Tereza Heinz-Kerry!

All the signs are there: Martha is a nutcase who suffers from "unspecified maladies" and is married to a spineless wimp of a politician. She suffers from paranoid delusions (most of the time), and is prone to angry outbursts. Even their first names have the same amount of letters. Okay, that one is a stretch, but you get the idea.

Come on, I can't be the only one who noticed it!

24: Season 5 - Episodes 1-2 Open Post
Tick.

Post comments as the show progresses. Keep track of the death count. Palmer is toast.

"Flounder" Approves

Even Stephen Furst, Animal House's "Flounder," is all Jacked up for tonight's season premiere. With less than six hours to showtime, Furst commented, "Ooo, this is gonna be great!!!"

Rumors that Furst would be watching 24 all "fat, drunk, and stupid" have not been confirmed.

Update: I do have gasoline for my back-up generator.

A real conversation at work towards the end of the day Friday.

Co-Worker: What are you doing this weekend?

Conservative UAW Guy: Well, Sunday night I'm going to be home with the phones unplugged, all the doors locked, two pistols, some munchies, a brew, and a very large "Do Not Disturb" sign hung on the front of the house.

CW: What?!?!?! Why?

CUG: Dude! The season premier of 24 is on! Do you live in a cave or something?

Woo-hoo!!
I'm psyched!!!

7 hourse and 5 minutes to go!
(Boop-beep, Boop-beep, Boop-beep).

Question: Would you risk incurring Jack's swift, merciless and deadly wrath for her?

Answer: Chuhhhhh... Of course you would.
(unless you're married, of course!)

THIS SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!
(Oh, yeah! And Monday X's 3, too!)

Tick....Tick....Tick...

Sunday 8/7c pm
Monday 8/7c pm

The last we saw Jack, he was walking off towards Mexico sporting a sweet pair of Blue Blocker shades and a reputation for being dead. In the past 24 hours he had saved Los Angeles, killed his girlfriend's husband, gotten a handful of backup CTU agents killed, almost started a war with China, and talked on his cell phone for a total of 6 hours.

Now he's back for more...again.

Fox.com's 24 page has a 1 minute clip from the first scene of Season 5. Rush Limbaugh has the entire first 4 hours, we have one stinking minute. But... in that one minute can you guess what Jack is doing for 30 seconds? Yes, talking on Jack Bauer's nuclear-powered cell phone with an upgraded Tetris game.

Each season of 24, the first show has bodies pile up faster than Jack eats through rollover minutes. If our poll is correct, Palmer gets capped in the first round. That is 1, with many more to follow.

Blogs 4 Bauer Challenge - The First 2 Hours
Q: How many people will die in the first 2 hours?

Post your answers in the comments section. The person closest to the actutal number without going over is awesome.

Almost 3 full days without a Kim Bauer-related post. What gives?

58 Goofs on 24

IMDB's listing for 24 has a section for goofs spotted in the first four seasons. Now punching holes in the "plot" of 24 is about as easy as Behrooz's dead ex-girlfriend.

It'd be too easy to note that the cell phones used on 24 never lose a signal, drop a call, or need charging. I cannot play Texas Hold'em on my phone for more than 30 minutes without losing a charge, but Jack can yell into his cellphone for 18 hours of a 24 hour season without charging.

Last season I noted the superhuman speed at which some of the cast are able to move, except for Edgar of course. IMDB notes the speed and a few others over the previous 4 seasons including:

-In season 2, episode 5:00 - 6:00, immediately after Kim kills Gary, she's talking to Jack through her phone, a Nokia 3650. The only problem is, she's holding it upside-down
-In Season 4, Hours 10 PM to 11 PM, when Jack shoots Nicole through the wall, as her dead body slides downward, a blood stain is visible on the wall. But as the camera follows Jack down the stairs to inspect the body, the stain is gone.
-In Season 4, the terrorists attack a military convoy in "the mountains of Iowa". There are no mountains in Iowa.
-At the beginning of episode #2.5 (12:00pm - 1:00pm) Jack drives back to CTU Headquarters near downtown Los Angeles from Joseph Wald's house in Simi Valley and arrives at 12:09pm. Simi Valley is 45 miles from Central Los Angeles, which would make it impossible to drive in only nine minutes as Jack's average speed would have to have been 300 miles per hour.

You can check out the rest here.

Season 5 Death Pool


Today's NY Post has a 4-star review of the upcoming season opener for 24. But, they reveal that a major character will end up at room temperature before the first 10 minutes are up.

Well, as you can imagine, horrible things happen within the first few minutes, and shocking things happen within the first 10.
In fact, you will be disgruntled yourself when you find out who gets wiped out.

Who do you think will be killed off?

Which character will not live to see the first All-State Commercial during Season 5? Former President Palmer Kim Bauer President Logan Tony Almeida Curtis Manning Edgar Stiles Chloe O'Brian Jack Bauer None of the Above Click Here to check the results

The winner gets bragging rights.

How Prepared Are You?

Click Here for a short clip for the premier of 24 that asks "how are you going to prepare" for the season premier of 24. There are no shots of either Jack or Kim.

Personally...I'll have the TV in the bedroom dedicated to just 24 and a clear access to the bathroom, telephone, and computer. My old roommate will probably be sending text messages to me on my cell phone during the show, so the cell phone will be turned off. Wife will be watching Desperate Housewives and making fun of 24, the dog will be given sedatives.

RFTR - Looking for pictures of Kim Bauer on the internet while 24 is on commercial break.
The Conservative UAW Guy - Same.
Little Miss Chatterbox - Same, but with President Palmer instead.
Wyatt - Turning off all the lights, unloaded service pistol in-hand, "clearing rooms" of the house Bauer-style. At times, yelling at the dog: "CTU...get down "or "I am Jack Bauer and I will not hesitate to shoot you in the head!"

So I'm cleaning a pistol last night (duh) and watching COPS on Fox, when a new preview of 24 comes on (at least new to me).

Man, I hope this season lives up to the previews!!
I'm getting amped.

What does this have to do with Elisha Cuthbert?
Uhhh, she used to be on the show!

January 15th!! 2 hours worth!!!
Woo-hoo!!

Jack Bauer snubbed for Dancing With the Stars, or, what was Jack really doing in that bunker all by himself

While Kenny Mayne was making a fool of himself on national television, Jack Bauer was getting ready to relax in front of the television after a rough day of sitting around pretending he was dead. Often, this was harder than one would assume. Jack had recently gone into hiding to take a much needed vacation from saving the world, and that's not what he really wanted to be doing right now. He wanted to dance.

Jack had faked his own death to learn to Tango, to Salsa, to Ballroom Dance. He had been taking private lessons from a polynesian witch doctor named Atueango under the desert in a secret tiki bar he had built during his wild days in the seventies. When he felt he was ready, he sent in his application to the good folks at ABC. But ABC only laughed at Jack, and sent him several rejection letters to get the point across. And now, sitting at home, Jack was watching Kenny Mayne destroy the Quick Step with a series of unfortunate mis-steps. He couldn't watch any more. He had to do something.

So he did.

Jack decided to come out of hiding and kill Kenny Mayne. He was terrorizing dance moves, and that made him a terrorist. Then Jack got a phone call. As soon as he hit the sunlight. No one knew his number, and he often wondered why he even had a cell phone if he was in hiding. Nonetheless, the call was very important, important enough to let Kenny Mayne live another day.


Watch out Kenny Mayne. Jacks' got your number.

CTU - Washington DC?

Kiefer Sutherland is in danger of being a one-trick pony. Sutherland prepares to dive into a role as a hard-headed counter terrorism agent, protecting an American president from harm. This is not a post about 24 and the lack of Kim Bauer skin shots. This is a post on a movie due out in April 2006 from called The Sentinel, ironically also put out by FOX.

Good News: Eva Longoria is in the cast which also includes Michael Douglas and Kim Basinger.


Bad News: The President in The Sentinel does not do All-State commercials and has a mullet.