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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: Jack should not let feelings get in the way of killing people. Give me a gun, I will not.
by - Dwight Schrute

As head of a CTU tactical team one needs to be quick like a panther, fearless like a ninja, and smart like a Hobbit. Having watched every episode of 24 and Battlestar Galactica, I have analyzed Jack Bauer's decisions this season and found them questionable at best. Who would do a better job than Jack Bauer? Well Dwight Schrute comes to mind. Jack should not let feelings get in the way of killing people. Give me a gun, I will not.

Question: what is the key problem facing America? No, it's not if Audrey will snap out of it and lead us to the Chinese. The key problem facing America are British people, like Morris O'Brian. It's a fact that the British are still upset about losing the War of 1812 and are looking for a little revenge. As Jack Bauer's replacement, I would root out anyone who supports the queen...or people who have really bad teeth. I'm unequally qualified for this task since my grandfather fought the British, it's a Schrute family tradition.

Blood alone moves the wheels of history!!! As head of a CTU Tactical Team, I would spill the blood of the English and dip my fingers in their entrails. Why their entrails? Because the brains are too hard to get at without the proper implements. I would also rip out their eyes so they cannot see me sneak up on them in the afterlife. That is, if we had enough time. So it would be entrails first, then eyes, and if we had time...their tonsils.

Currently Jack Bauer is having personal problems because his lady friend, Audrey. Or as I like to call her "big ear lady". Audrey is causing Jack to slip and become one of them. By "one of them", I mean British. It's a fact that Audrey was married to a Brit and even being around a British person makes you more like them. Case and point: Madonna moves to England and develops a British accent almost immediately, that is how they work. Fancy a Guinness you mole?

What can be done to turn back the British Invasion? Well CTU needs to team me up with Doyle. Agent Doyle and Special Agent Schrute would make a great team. No, we'd make an awesome team. We'd be like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Doyle would be like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. Got it fish-n-chips? Good.

A hero kills people - people that wish us harm. British people. Jack Bauer has proven that he's not a hero. Give me the proper arsenal and I will be the aforementioned hero and right the wrong that must be avenged. Then with Morris out of the way, Chloe will be all mine.

Counterpoint: Sending Dwight an application from CTU was pretty funny.
by Jim Haplert

7 comments:

steveegg said...

Once we get Jack back into his killing rage (which ought to take place, oh, about 02:00:45), I say we send you to see just how effective Jack is at killing.

Greg said...

Oooooh, looks like Jack was Schruted.

yankz said...

Are you kidding me? You can barely use pepper spray. You'd probably shoot yourself in the leg.

Sally said...

FACT: Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

D-W-I-G-H-T!!!!!

Adam said...

So twisted... that picture of Dwight and the power drill... just wonderful!

Greg said...

It's D-W-I-G-T.