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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 03:00 AM and 04:00 AM

03:00:00 to 03:08:45
An amber alert is issued for Jack Bauer Jr as Hung Lo's subordinate, Chu Dong, takes the boy out of CTU and into the tunnel. Patsy Ramsey Bauer is so upset she looks like she could strangle a small child. Hung Lo divides the surviving CTU people into two groups, Group A and the Fighting Mongooses. As they are marched into Panic Rooms, Jack sees an opportunity and beats the crap out of a Chinese Guard to get his gun, then starts shootin' up the place like Ryan O'Neal. After killing off most of Hung Lo's men, Jack personally chokes Hung Lo to death, then breaks his neck. He is only prevented from pissing on the corpse when Ricky Stratton shows up and blows down a couple of Chinese pirates himself and announces CTU is secure. Ricky Stratton asks Awana Fuqya if there were any casualties. "Nope, nobody... oh, except Kemper." Then, Awana Fuqya realizes she is bummed about that. Russet Potato Face (Chloe) comforts her. "Let's go make out behind the servers."

03:13:04 to 03:20:52
In the sewers, Bacardi (Jack) and Light Beer (Stratton) chase Chu Dong. In the background, a creepy voice calls out, "Hey-y-y-y-y-y you-u-u-u-u g-u-u-u-u-ys!". Lick Poo is waiting at the end of the tunnel with a cell phone for Jack Junior. Zephram Conchrane Bauer is on the other end. "I'm gonna take you to China," he tells Jack Jr. Jack Jr will have none of it. "A few hours ago you pointed a gun at my head and threatened to kill me." Zephram Cochrane: "Well, you walked in front of the TV during Matlock you muscly-armed little bastard."

Lick Poo orders his men to get Jack Jr in the car and proceed to the rendezvous, explaining that Chinese men have small penises and Lick Poo is afraid of Jack's large American penis. But Bacardi and Light Beer show up in time to shoot out the tires in Lick Poo's SUV. Lick Poo grabs Jack Jr and makes a run for it. Jack chases them to the roof where Jack Jr gets away from Lick Poo. Jack corners Lick Poo on a catwalk, but Jack Junior is hanging on for dear life below him. Jack rescues the boy, but Lick Poo escapes. Jack Jr tells his "uncle" what his grand-dad's plan was: "He said he was going to take me to China. or maybe it was Bahrain. But I don't want to live with grandpa, he makes me do push-ups in my underwear while he watches gladiator movies." Jack promises he'll never let that happen. (Snicker.)

03:25:14 to 03:35:17
Back in DC, Weasel Cage watches on Daniel Jackson's WebCam as the Russian spy slams the salami into Ann Coulter. "That's it! Slam it home for ol' Johnny!" he exclaims. When they finish, she excuses herself. "I need to purge. I touched a molecule of food earlier." Daniel Jackson makes ready to send her emails to the Russians, but then he doesn't. When she comes out of the bathroom, he goes from Daniel Jackson to Jackson Browne and starts beating on her like Darryl Hannah. Weasel Cage and some secret service guys bust in and pull DJ off her. Weasel gives him a choice, send the phony documents or die... eventually... after 20 or 30 years of appeals.

Lick Poo calls Zephram Cochrane and informs him that he failed to acquire his grandson. Bauer curses him out in his native language. "No glandson, no chippee! You savvy?" Lick Poo protests, "I lost many men trying to get your grandson." Zephram Cochrane is unimpressed. "Like you don't have a billion more."

03:39:43 to 03:50:12
Some middle-aged dorks from the CTU CYA Department show up to begin the process of blaming everything that went wrong on Awana Fuqya, whose new nickname is "Scooter." Fuqya is still bummed about Kemper being all dead and stuff. Al Bundy tries to comforts her. Then, she and Chloe make out behind the servers.

Weasel Cage calls JJ, lets him know the fake emails have been emailed to the Russians, and, oh yeah, Ann Coulter suffered a severe loss of oxygen to the brain. How bad is it? JJ wants to know. Really bad, Weasel Cage tells him, "Michael Schaivo and Jack Kevorkian just showed up with a lawyer and a rubber pillow."

JJ calls President Subaru, and tries to fake out the Russian president. But, President Subaru was so paranoid he was spying on his own spy, and knows that the documentation provided by Dan Rather, I mean, Daniel Jackson, was fake. Subaru gives JJ two hours to prove the chip was destroyed, or he'll strike the American military base.

03:54:55 to 03:59:59
Weasel Cage gets a mysterious phone call and takes JJ and Frau Blucher out of the Oval Office. The call is from Zephram Cochrane Bauer. He offers JJ a deal: "I want my grandson and clear passage to the country of my choice, a mickey mouse outfit, some handcuffs, a pair of slim-cut buttless leather chaps, and some popsicles. Mmmm, popsicles." JJ says he'll think about it.Frau Blucher is appalled, but Weasel Cage is ready to sell Jack Jr's ass to save his own. He calls CTU.

Jack is escorting Jack Jr to "safety" when he once again falls for the "there's a call for you Mr. Bauer" distraction. Jack picks up the phone and as he is in the middle of explaining that he doesn't have Prince Albert in the can, Ricky Stratton grabs Jack Junior and loads him into a helicopter while a bunch of CTU goons hold Jack back.

Tick-Tock

8 comments:

NDwalters said...

So Philip Bauer is now Herbert the Pervert from The Family Guy, ROFLMFAO.....

Gary said...

Dammit Jack! NEVER take a phone call on another phone unless they bring it to YOU! Sheesh!

Palm boy said...

lol at the Herbert idea.

Greg said...

Someone here at work called it, Ricky Stratton's the 2nd mole, and that while Mr. Stargate was stealing data from Vice President Jim Jones's girlfriend, Ricky's been in cahoots with Phillip Bauer all along. It'd make some sense.

Wyatt Earp said...

The Herbert picture is really creepy. Kudos!

MAJHAM said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Unregistered Coward said...

I found it comforting that CTU only suffered one casualty, Milo.

I'm of course assuming that all those guards gunned down were in fact contract employees and therefore CTU wasn't under any obligation regarding medical or death benefits.

Gotta love creative accounting.

BostonMaggie said...

The phone call killed me. But the best was when Bishop and Miller hit the high note and Lennox in the surveillance van said "..and finally we're done!" with the hand gesture, lol.