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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 2:00 am and 3:00 am

02:00:00 to 02:09:03
The words "Everything you touch turns up dead," echo in Jack Bauer's ears as he waits in the bleak CTU holding cell. "By the way," SecDef Heller adds, "Hillary wants to know if you'd like to shake hands with Barack Obama." Jack stews silently in his shame and disgrace, but at least he got to go the bathroom.

Awana Fuqya appears in the holding cell. "Ricky Stratton is leading a Tactical Team into the Bloomfield Copper Factory Dragon Lair. But you can't go, because you have disgraced yourself, and brought dishonor to your family." Jack asks if he could at least make himself useful by sticking around CTU and making coffee for everybody. Awana Fuqya agrees to ask the new CTU head when he gets there.

In CTU ops: Al Bundy: "Bicker. Bicker. Bicker." RPF: "Bicker. Bicker. Shut your pie hole, Shoe Boy!" Al Bundy: "Bicker."

Awana Fuqya addresses Ricky Stratton's tactical team: "I just wanted to say good luck. We're all counting on you. Make it so. Let's be careful out there. And so forth."

Meanwhile, in parallel scene, Lick Poo gives a pep talk to his own men, his lips moving out of synch with his dialog: "You Will be the Fist of the Dragon to carry out my evil plan. Ha-Ha."
Sum Yung Guy asks, "What is your evil plan, master?"
Lick Poo; "It is EVIL, it is so EVIL. It is a bad, bad plan, which will hurt many... people... who are good. I think it's great that it's so bad. Ha-Ha!"

02:13:28 to 02:23:56
Jack Junior and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are watching the news. Jack Junior is despondent. "12,000 dead because of what dad did." Patsy: "But Jack wasn't respons... I mean, don't take it so hard." RPF watches creepily through the window. (Go for it Josh, she's vulnerable.) RPF then tells Patsy that Penisnose is alive, but has the IQ of warm yogurt.

In DC, Weasel Cage presses Ann Coulter to call Daniel Jackson: "OK, we got Dan Rather to forge some memos showing the chip was destroyed. You pass them to Daniel, and he'll pass them to the Ori... I mean the Russians."

Patsy Ransey Bauer visits Jack in the cell. "Sorry I told you Penisnose was dead. So, y'wanna go out for soup or something?" Then Chloe drops in to tell him Ricky Stratton is leading the attack on Lick Poo's Secret Dragon Lair. Jack gets visited by more hot babes in jail than Scott Peterson.

Ricky Stratton and his tactical team prepare to move into the Bloomfield Copper Factory Dragon Lair. They blow open the door and find it empty of course. "Look at these empty boxes, assault weapons, C-4, stun grenades, ... this is an arsenal." "Duh." Ricky Stratton calls CTU: "It looks like the Chinese are either preparing a major assault or planning to host the Source Awards."

Lick Poo's men drop into the sewer led by a vicious bastard with a moustache called 'Hung Lo."
Lick Poo: "Dragon Fist! Prepare to Assault CTU. Ha-Ha!"
Hung Lo: Uhh, water, everywhere. All over me, I'm getting wet. Ha-ha!"

02:28:22 to 02:35:07
As the Dragon Fist prepares to storm CTU from below, CTU attends to business: Al Bundy: "Bicker" RPF: "Bicker Bicker" Al Bundy: "Bicker Bicker Bicker" RPF: "Apology" Al Bundy: "Sappy Platitude" RPF: "Bicker" Al Bundy: "I am never wrong. Just ask Griff."

Back in DC, Ann Coulter meets Daniel at the door and kisses him with feverish tentativeness. Daniel Jackson is suspicious; "Hey baby, you seem tense, and I don't got money for the pizza. How 'bout we work this out?" Ann Coulter: "Oh, you big stud. Me so horny, but first, can I take a shower?" Daniel Jackson protests: "Nah, I like it sweaty and dirty. I wanna strap you to the bed and rub Ragu sapghetti sauce all over you." Weasel Cage listens in to the entire exchange in the back of his limo. "Scuse me, guys... um, I need some privacy for ... um, a few minutes."

Wakka chikka wakka chikka

02:39:32 to 02:45:48
Dragon Fist Army blows open the the underground entrance to CTU while Sum Yung Guy hacks their system. CTU soon devolves into confusion with their technology in major disarray. Al Bundy and RPF are so concerned, they almost forget to bicker.

Hung Lo and the Dragon Fist Army blow away some guards: "You will be dead now. Ha-ha!"

Jack hears the commotion and demands to be let out of his cell. He screams at his guard, "I need to get to the civilians in the lounge. I'm gonna ned a weapon" BUDDA! BUDDA! "Thank you."

Jack shoots a couple of the Dragon Fist army with the dead guard's gun, and then wastes another one comin' down the stairs, which supplies him with a much bigger gun.

Hung Lo and his Dragon Fist Army have taken over the CTU Ops Center. Hung Lo demands to know who is in charge. To protect Awana Fuqya, Kemper claims he is. Hung Lo shoots him

Spoiling the moment entirely, Fox cuts immediately to the cheery "Downtown" commercial.

02:50:14 to 02:59:59
CTU is easily subdued and cowering like the petals of an orchid flower. Ha-Ha!

The Dragon Fist Army hits the lounge and tries to take Patsy and Jack Junior. They don't get very far before Jack Senior shows up and blows them away with his big borrowed gun. Jack Junior escapes through the fan and into the air duct, but the Dragon Fist Army is right behind them and Jack is out of ammo. Jack and Patsy are captured.

Lick Poo screams into his cell phone like Michael Jackson: "Get the boy back. I don't care what you have to do."

Meanwhile, Hung Lo has another problem: "Some guy named Ricky Stratton keeps calling." He puts Awana Fuqya on the phone: "If you try to warn him, I will kill everyone here, starting with you."

Ricky Stratton: "I've been trying to call you guys. What gives?"
Fuqya: "Everybody's on a break. In fact, I'm on a break. Can I call you back?"

Hung Lo gets on the PA system: "Ha-Ha! Boy child of my master's enemy. You will surrender or I will kill your mother. Ha-Ha!" Josh surrenders, the Dragon Fist Army grabs him, and it turns out this was all Zephram Cochrane Bauer's idea, who agreed to fix the chip in return for Lick Poo using the Dragon Fist army to kidnap Jack Junior. Fortunately, Lick Poo has his Dragon Fist Army standing by, even at 2:00 in the morning, for just such a circumstance. Now, Zephram Conchrane intends to take Jack Junior to his mountain fortress in China, where he will learn the ways of the Ninja.

Tick-Tock

8 comments:

Palm boy said...

Bravo.

Am I the only one who noticed the Chinese/English speaking dispairaty?

The head guy talks to his techie in Chinese, and then in english to the commandos. Later, the commandos speak to each other in chinese, but when they try and capture jack jr, they conveniently speak english.

AND WHY THE HECK DOES CTU HAVE HOLES LEADING TO THE BIGGEST SEWER IN SOUTHREN CALIFORNIA?

grooveska said...

Michael Gary Scott could turn CTU into an elite organization.

His work in Scranton speaks for itself.

V the K said...

I found the transition between Milo's death and the "Downtown" commercial to be especially jarring.

steveegg said...

I found the transition between Milo's death and the "Downtown" commercial to be especially jarring.

It's almost as if Kemper wasn't really part of the show.

someguy said...

I was a little disappointed they didn't give Milo a silent clock.

NDwalters said...

Milo didn't get the silent clock b/c he wasn't a major person, to some. Course, that brings up the controversy over Edgar aka Truffle Shuffle getting a silent clock, and Tony Almieda NOT getting the silent clock, OR Curtis. No one's gotten the silent clock this season, but no one got one in Season 4, so that's not saying much.....

pickett said...

Penisnose's husband got a silent clock in season 4.

And don't even get me started on the Edgar/Tony issue.

Milo Pressman said...

Fuckin' George Mason got a damn silent clock.