Carnival of Bauer

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Monday, July 17, 2006

President Palmer Is Not Dead!
A Blogs4Bauer Conspiracy Theory

The crack staff at B4B has uncovered a conspiracy of epic proportions: President David Palmer is not dead!

Immediately after the alleged assassination, Palmer's body was flown to Cleveland, Ohio for medical treatment. The President was wearing a ballistic vest, but due to the rifle rounds used by the conspirators (including President Charles Logan), Palmer suffered a severe gunshot wound to the upper chest. Palmer was admitted into the ICU of the undisclosed hospital, and was given a new identity - that of Pedro Cerrano, a professional baseball player from Cuba.

Palmer adopted his new identity with vigor during his recuperation, and even learned the black arts of voodoo. His new idol, Jobu, by his side at all times, Pedro Cerrano made a complete recovery. With many of the members of the conspiracy still at large, Cerrano signed a one-year contract with the hapless Cleveland Indians under his assumed name. Ever the athlete, Palmer, er, Cerrano, won the starting position in left field, and was on his way to becoming a defensive all-star.

His hitting, however, was another story.

Convinced that the gods would not let him hit a curve ball, Cerrano hovered around the Mendoza line for much of the year. Even Jesus Christ Himself could not help him hit the breaking ball. At the all-star break, Cerrano has hit an incredible 20 home runs, while earning a despicable .215 batting average! Amazing.

If Cerrano can worry more about his hitting and less about the possible sniper rifle in the stands, the Indians may make the playoffs after all.


The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Everybody dogs Cleveland....

Funny, Wyatt!

Anonymous said...

Call me when Cerrano does an All-State commercial.

Anonymous said...

The Mendoza Line generally is recognized as .200, so Palmer, er Cerrano, is well above the demarcation separating the truly hapless from the merely mediocre. And with 20 dingers at the turn, .215 puts him in league with Dave "Kong" Kingman, not Minnie Mendoza.

"I'm pissed now, Joboo. Look, I go to you. I stick up for you. You no help me now, I say, fu** you, Joboo. I call Jack Bauer."

Anonymous said...

Major League movies (the first two) rule!

Pedro Cerrano, at peace with the lord......unless he is attacked by a pretty vixen with Cordelia virus in the palm of her hand, then he unleashes America's worst kept secret weapon...Jack Bauer!

MJ06 said...

Cleveland Ohio Represent!!! Yahh!!