Carnival of Bauer

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Friday, June 22, 2007

The Seventh Worst Day of Jack Bauer's Life

Season Six of Jack Bauer & Friends is over and we have to wait until January until Fox craps us out another season, usually we could only sit and ponder what absurd plot lines they will send our way. With the invention of tubes of internets, you have to wait no more.

Amy Vernon over at Remote Access came to me and some other fellow Bauer-natics and asked her to help craft the most awesome season of 24 ever. One that Manny Coto and his crew of monkey writers could not destroy with silent clocks for vegetables. One that brings back Tony. One that gets Jack out of that hellhole in El-Lay and under the bright lights of Broadway. Ladies, we give you Season 7 of 24...our way.

Ford Commercial. Cingular commercial. Preview for crappy Fox reality show. Preview for crappy Fox sitcom. Coke commercial. Preview of the 10:00pm news: Someone got shot in Newark. Cut to black.....Previously on 24


Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer
Mary Lynn Rajskub as Chloe
James Morrison as Bill Buchanan
William Devane as President James Heller
Dirk Benedict as Addison Curnow, a wealthy oil baron

Flat Stanley as Flat Stan
James Cromwell as Philip Bauer
Evan Taylor Ellingson as Josh Bauer
Kim Raver as a still-drain-bamaged Audrey Raines
Mia Kirshner as Mandy
Maury Povich as Maury Povich
Carlos Bernard as Anthony Almeida, Tony’s long-lost identical triplet brother.
Carlos Bernard Papierski (that’s his birth name, deal with it) as Toni Almeida, Tony’s other long-lost identical triplet brother.

The Plot

Worn out from the past few years of terrorist hunting, torturing, being tortured and just having everyone he loves being killed or estranged or in a vegetative state, Jack moves cross country to the Big Apple.

He gets a job doing security on the Maury Povich show, but that’s really a front for his real job — chief of security for wealthy oil baron Addison Curnow. Mandy has been hired to assassinate Curnow by an anonymous person obsessed with The A-Team. This person hates the Faceman for being such a womanizer and has become convinced that Curnow is actually Dirk Benedict.

This person does not care that killing Curnow will wreak havoc in the world oil market because those set to take over Curnow’s company upon his death are OPEC moles who want to destroy the U.S. oil reserves. This would plunge the entire futures market into uncertainty and spike prices far beyond those the average person can afford at the pump.

By day’s end

We find out that Tony Almeida’s long-lost identical triplet brother, Anthony, is actually Josh Bauer’s father, when he, Philip Bauer and Marilyn Bauer sandbag Jack by appearing on Maury’s weekly paternity test shows, trying to prove that Jack is the father. Marilyn forgot about her fling with Anthony, the black sheep of the family. It happened on one drunken night after a Girls Gone Wild: All Grown Up taping that Marilyn participated in 18 years earlier (Season 7 takes place a year after Season 6 ends). Anthony was on a bender in Rio at the time.

The blond hair is a recessive trait in Marilyn’s family; but she always figured Jack was her babydaddy.

The person who hired Mandy turns out to be none other than Martha Logan. (See how I didn’t put her in the opening credits, so you were surprised? Take note, Surnow & Co!) She’s still at loony central, and Aaron Pierce is aware of her having hired Mandy, though he found out after the fact. Given Mandy’s history, he decides to let Martha go ahead with the plot and instead helps Jack track down Mandy and take her “into custody.” They do, and find out the person behind all the bad stuff that’s happened today is Philip Bauer, who wanted to prove he was Josh’s father after all. He also has drugged Martha Logan, causing her to have an irrational fear of ‘80s television shows.

Also on Day 7:
tonys.jpg • Toni and Jack decide to start a security consulting firm. No one who’s ever thought about appearing on Maury will ever be taken on as a client. Anyone with a Cubs coffee mug, however, gets half off their usual fee. Anthony tries to sabatoge their efforts, pretending he’s Tony, come back from the dead, to get on the inside. But Jack has his suspicions from the beginning, eventually forcing Anthony to wait on the TKTS line in Times Square and not come back until he has front-row tickets to “Spamalot.”
• Maury is assassinated by Mandy, who just can’t take another episode of “who’s my babydaddy?”
• Heller tells Jack all is forgiven and that he can finally marry Audrey, but Jack tells him he’s come to his senses and wants to go back to Kate Warner, not Heller’s bats**t crazy daughter.
• Bill Buchanan is NYC’s DOT commissioner and works with Chloe in the main control room for NYC’s traffic signals, adjusting them to give Jack clear sailing across town whenever he needs it. Chloe also adjusts subway schedules to ensure a train rolls up every time Jack jets down to a station to chase after a suspect or follow up on a lead.
• She cannot, however, override the need to pay for the train rides. Jack swipes his MetroCard and proceeds into the turnstile. He doesn’t swipe it well enough, so he rams his crotch into the unmoving stile. This causes him to mutter (you guessed it) “dammit.”
• Jack forces random bad dude #23 to drink the cooking water from a hotdog stand. The bad guy knows nothing about the plot against Curnow nor the identity of Josh Bauer’s father, but confesses to having carved his name into his high school desk 10 years earlier.

tck....tck....tck more to come.

Do you have ideas for Jack Bauer Takes Manhattan? Post them in the comments. Please, limit the number of "Jack Bauer crosses the BQE in under 2 hours" comments. We get it.

Season 7 Authors
Amy Vernon
The Jack Sack,
Riding With Rickey


Friday, June 15, 2007

Jack Bauer/Phil Mickelson: Bosom Brother?

Jack Bauer and Graham Bauer couldn't be the only offspring from Papa Bauer. There is evidence that Philip Bauer had other offspring that could appear in a future very special episode of 24. Could one of these Bauer offspring be none other than legendary golfer Phil Mickelson?

The possible link came to me as I read an article on Phil's resurgence in The Boston Herald. Here's the clip that made the little light above my head go off.
...Funny, isn’t it? Roughly a year ago at this time, after self-destructing on the 18th hole Sunday, Mickelson looked as cracked up as Britney Spears; now he looks mentally tougher than Jack Bauer. Going back to last year, Mickelson played 11 consecutive holes in the U.S. Open at a score of plus-6, and nobody would have blamed him yesterday if he pulled a Paris Hilton and went to pieces....
Is there a connection between Jack Bauer and Phil Mickelson that goes beyond his ability to go from batshit crazy to "mentally tougher than Jack Bauer"? Sure Jack had came back from a nasty heroin addiction and from being dead (twice) to save the world. Phil is showing a little of that Bauer guts he has in him.

However the most compelling evidence are the manboobs. Like receding hair and time-manipulation skills, the manboobs have been passed down the Bauer family tree.

Could Jack Bauer and Phil Mickelson be long lost brothers? The manboobs don't lie.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Dear Tony


It's been too long between posts!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Blogs4Bauer's Showcase Showdown

Background: Blogs4Bauer was taken down by Blogger's "spam-prevention robots" early this week. Spam? We know there's something much more sinister behind this. Over the next few weeks we'll blow the cover on these sinister robots and how Blogs4Bauer defeated them.

Part 1: The Bad Guy

Bob Barker - Terrorist mastermind

"Oh not Bob" you are probably saying right now. He couldn't be a terrorist leader behind the army of Blogger's anti-spam robots. Well he is, trust us. Bob's the leader of what experts call a "spam sleeper cell". He laid low as a game show host for a few years. When the time to strike came, he used the "game show" to broadcast messages to his followers.

During last Friday's show, Bob led an accomplice over to the Plinko board. His attempt to win a new stove was really a call to arms for Bob Barker's army of spade and neutered Spam Robots.

Following Bob's Plinko call-to-arms, Blogs4Bauer was attacked and Bob Barker is leaving the game show he hid behind for so many years. Coincidence? We think not.

Here is the message that we got when we tried to get into Blogs4Bauer. We may have lost the first battle, but the war was just getting started. Bob Barker must be stopped, dammit!

Your blog is locked

Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. (What's a spam blog?) Since you're an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and we sincerely apologize for this false positive.

We received your unlock request on June 5, 2007. On behalf of the robots, we apologize for locking your non-spam blog. Please be patient while we take a look at your blog and verify that it is not spam.

Find out more about how Blogger is fighting spam blogs.

Part 2 will profile one of Bob Barkers Spam Robots.

24 Action Figures

Now that is cool. I hate to look like I'm plugging the company without even getting anything free, but they can be found here.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007