TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 2:00 am and 3:00 am

02:00:00 to 02:09:03
The words "Everything you touch turns up dead," echo in Jack Bauer's ears as he waits in the bleak CTU holding cell. "By the way," SecDef Heller adds, "Hillary wants to know if you'd like to shake hands with Barack Obama." Jack stews silently in his shame and disgrace, but at least he got to go the bathroom.

Awana Fuqya appears in the holding cell. "Ricky Stratton is leading a Tactical Team into the Bloomfield Copper Factory Dragon Lair. But you can't go, because you have disgraced yourself, and brought dishonor to your family." Jack asks if he could at least make himself useful by sticking around CTU and making coffee for everybody. Awana Fuqya agrees to ask the new CTU head when he gets there.

In CTU ops: Al Bundy: "Bicker. Bicker. Bicker." RPF: "Bicker. Bicker. Shut your pie hole, Shoe Boy!" Al Bundy: "Bicker."

Awana Fuqya addresses Ricky Stratton's tactical team: "I just wanted to say good luck. We're all counting on you. Make it so. Let's be careful out there. And so forth."

Meanwhile, in parallel scene, Lick Poo gives a pep talk to his own men, his lips moving out of synch with his dialog: "You Will be the Fist of the Dragon to carry out my evil plan. Ha-Ha."
Sum Yung Guy asks, "What is your evil plan, master?"
Lick Poo; "It is EVIL, it is so EVIL. It is a bad, bad plan, which will hurt many... people... who are good. I think it's great that it's so bad. Ha-Ha!"

02:13:28 to 02:23:56
Jack Junior and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are watching the news. Jack Junior is despondent. "12,000 dead because of what dad did." Patsy: "But Jack wasn't respons... I mean, don't take it so hard." RPF watches creepily through the window. (Go for it Josh, she's vulnerable.) RPF then tells Patsy that Penisnose is alive, but has the IQ of warm yogurt.

In DC, Weasel Cage presses Ann Coulter to call Daniel Jackson: "OK, we got Dan Rather to forge some memos showing the chip was destroyed. You pass them to Daniel, and he'll pass them to the Ori... I mean the Russians."

Patsy Ransey Bauer visits Jack in the cell. "Sorry I told you Penisnose was dead. So, y'wanna go out for soup or something?" Then Chloe drops in to tell him Ricky Stratton is leading the attack on Lick Poo's Secret Dragon Lair. Jack gets visited by more hot babes in jail than Scott Peterson.

Ricky Stratton and his tactical team prepare to move into the Bloomfield Copper Factory Dragon Lair. They blow open the door and find it empty of course. "Look at these empty boxes, assault weapons, C-4, stun grenades, ... this is an arsenal." "Duh." Ricky Stratton calls CTU: "It looks like the Chinese are either preparing a major assault or planning to host the Source Awards."

Lick Poo's men drop into the sewer led by a vicious bastard with a moustache called 'Hung Lo."
Lick Poo: "Dragon Fist! Prepare to Assault CTU. Ha-Ha!"
Hung Lo: Uhh, water, everywhere. All over me, I'm getting wet. Ha-ha!"

02:28:22 to 02:35:07
As the Dragon Fist prepares to storm CTU from below, CTU attends to business: Al Bundy: "Bicker" RPF: "Bicker Bicker" Al Bundy: "Bicker Bicker Bicker" RPF: "Apology" Al Bundy: "Sappy Platitude" RPF: "Bicker" Al Bundy: "I am never wrong. Just ask Griff."

Back in DC, Ann Coulter meets Daniel at the door and kisses him with feverish tentativeness. Daniel Jackson is suspicious; "Hey baby, you seem tense, and I don't got money for the pizza. How 'bout we work this out?" Ann Coulter: "Oh, you big stud. Me so horny, but first, can I take a shower?" Daniel Jackson protests: "Nah, I like it sweaty and dirty. I wanna strap you to the bed and rub Ragu sapghetti sauce all over you." Weasel Cage listens in to the entire exchange in the back of his limo. "Scuse me, guys... um, I need some privacy for ... um, a few minutes."

Wakka chikka wakka chikka

02:39:32 to 02:45:48
Dragon Fist Army blows open the the underground entrance to CTU while Sum Yung Guy hacks their system. CTU soon devolves into confusion with their technology in major disarray. Al Bundy and RPF are so concerned, they almost forget to bicker.

Hung Lo and the Dragon Fist Army blow away some guards: "You will be dead now. Ha-ha!"

Jack hears the commotion and demands to be let out of his cell. He screams at his guard, "I need to get to the civilians in the lounge. I'm gonna ned a weapon" BUDDA! BUDDA! "Thank you."

Jack shoots a couple of the Dragon Fist army with the dead guard's gun, and then wastes another one comin' down the stairs, which supplies him with a much bigger gun.

Hung Lo and his Dragon Fist Army have taken over the CTU Ops Center. Hung Lo demands to know who is in charge. To protect Awana Fuqya, Kemper claims he is. Hung Lo shoots him

Spoiling the moment entirely, Fox cuts immediately to the cheery "Downtown" commercial.

02:50:14 to 02:59:59
CTU is easily subdued and cowering like the petals of an orchid flower. Ha-Ha!

The Dragon Fist Army hits the lounge and tries to take Patsy and Jack Junior. They don't get very far before Jack Senior shows up and blows them away with his big borrowed gun. Jack Junior escapes through the fan and into the air duct, but the Dragon Fist Army is right behind them and Jack is out of ammo. Jack and Patsy are captured.

Lick Poo screams into his cell phone like Michael Jackson: "Get the boy back. I don't care what you have to do."

Meanwhile, Hung Lo has another problem: "Some guy named Ricky Stratton keeps calling." He puts Awana Fuqya on the phone: "If you try to warn him, I will kill everyone here, starting with you."

Ricky Stratton: "I've been trying to call you guys. What gives?"
Fuqya: "Everybody's on a break. In fact, I'm on a break. Can I call you back?"

Hung Lo gets on the PA system: "Ha-Ha! Boy child of my master's enemy. You will surrender or I will kill your mother. Ha-Ha!" Josh surrenders, the Dragon Fist Army grabs him, and it turns out this was all Zephram Cochrane Bauer's idea, who agreed to fix the chip in return for Lick Poo using the Dragon Fist army to kidnap Jack Junior. Fortunately, Lick Poo has his Dragon Fist Army standing by, even at 2:00 in the morning, for just such a circumstance. Now, Zephram Conchrane intends to take Jack Junior to his mountain fortress in China, where he will learn the ways of the Ninja.

Tick-Tock

TivoBlogging: Takes Place Between 1:00 AM and 2:00 AM, The Following Does.

With Guest Blogger: Master Yoda

01:00:00 to 01:12:46
Ricky Stratton the CTU Tac Team assures, "All the C4, you have. Clean the building is." Then, PenisNose, he comforts. Ricky Stratton: "Safe you are. Anything that to Lick Poo could lead us, did you hear?"
Penisnose: "I like mittens."
Qualified to be Speaker of the House, she is. Hm?

Ricky Stratton then Jack Bauer to CTU defends: "His fault the Heathen Chinee have the chip, it isn't. Blown this house like Monica Lewinsky on Spring Break, he would have. Failed him, I did."

Fuqya Awana having none of it, she is. Insists that Jack to the CTU be brought. Al Bundy's request for transfer, she denies. "Indulge your personal melodrama, I will not. Keep your personal life to yourself, you will. Tomorrow, better you will feel, hm?"

In DC, Jim Jones tp Frau Blucher a comforting glass of Kool-Aid offers: "Had to fire your husband from CTU, a bummer it is. Appreciate your sacrifice, I do."
Then, by Weasel Cage, they are informed: Subaru about the stolen nuclear arming chip knows. "Nuke you, I will!" Subaru threatens. A clue, the White House gets. A spy among them, there must be. What expendable character this time? Answer the question, the next scene, does:

Ann Coulter to her apartment returns. There, Daniel Jackson, ready to show her his "staff weapon," is. Daniel Jackson: "Bend over, you must, and plow you, I will." Ann Coulter: "Some kind of faggot, what are you?"

Lick Poo transmitting schematics and whatnot to a confederate is. Then, a broken circuit board he discovers. "Lousy Chinese crap!" Needing someone with the necessary expertise, he is. Lick Poo: "My power tools heat up and to kidnap Al Bundy prepare."

01:17:12 to 01:25:48
Daniel Jackson faster in the sack than Jeff Gordon on bennies must be. While Ann Coulter a shower takes, an espionage device into her purse Daniel Jackson places.

Al Bundy, Russet Potato Face dumps. To be her, it sucks. Cares, no one does.

Dr. Dickhead to CTU arrives. "Do anything about her nose, can we?" he asks, Examines her, he does. More track marks and bruises than Courtney Love after Lilith Fair, she has. Inject her with even more drugs, he wants to. A worse bedside manner than House, he has.

Ricky Stratton Jack to the holding cell, escorts. Jack: "Talk to Penisnose, I must. Only person who can get through to her, I am." Ricky Stratton to Fuqya Awana Jacks plea takes: "A chance with her to Jack, give," he asks. Fuqya Awana having none of it is: "No, even though Jack always right is... not listen to him once again, we shall."

1:30:12 to 1:37:02
Weasel Cage the leak back to Ann Coulter traces. Weasel Cage also a New York Post Liz Smith column, has. "Apparently, she, Daniel Jackson, like a screen door, bangs. Daniel Jackson, working for the Rooskies, is." "I'm hittin' that, too." JJ brags. Then, breaks down and cries like a little girl for his dead wife, he does. "Coulter was right, smoke the pipe, you do." Weasel Cage sneers.

Ricky Stratton Jack in the holding cell visits. Then, Ricky's autoerotic asphyxiation fantasy, Jack fulfills. Jack from the holding cell escapes and some guards clocks and Audrey he releases and takes into hiding. Kemper this observes, "If let Jack see her, you had. Happened, none of this, would have."

1:41:25 to 1:48:09
RPF from CTU you conspicuously absent is. Fuqya Awana, Ricky Stratton, of letting Jack loose, accuses. "Rule, O'Doyle does!" triumphantly Ricky Stratton shouts.

Jack, Audrey into Edgar Stiles secret sub-basement pr0n stash hides. Jack for information begs, but responsive, she is not. Jack: "Yes, I know you like mittens. But can you remember anything helpful?" CTU dorks through the door with a blowtorch cut. Jack a gun at Ricky Stratton points. "Bloomfield" Audrey shouts, a good time in a Detroit suburb remembering. Fuqya Awana convinced it something means.

1:52:32 to 1:59:59
The Russian Army preparing to attack is. "Around the american military base, a perimeter, create," JJ orders.

Ann Coulter to JJ's office returns. "You didn't just betray me, you betrayed your country. The Dark Side, a powerful attraction it holds, hm? Now, to your boyfriend go back. That we have the chip, make him believe... or else, label you an enemy combatant and lock you in a cell until the Lions win the Superbowl, I will." She says she will try. JJ: "No! Do or do not! There is no try."

To the Bloomfield copper plant CTU a Tac Team dispatches.

Heller his daughter comforts. Plans to buy mittens, he does. In Jack's cell, he portends. "Near my daughter ever again I you to ever go don't want."

Jacks simply says, "What?"

Like Hurley from last week's Lost, he is channeling.

Tick-Tock

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 11:00 PM and 12:00 AM

11:00:00 to 11:11:14
The hour begins with a little tender male bonding between Jack and Ricky Stratton: "Jack, I know you've been through Hell, and I want you to know, I respect you, man, and everything you did. Hey, if you're not doing anything later, wanna come back to my place and watch figure-skating?"

But Jack has to take a call from the Heathen Chinee intelligence officer, Lick Poo. Lick Poo will swap Penis-Nose for the arming chips on the nuclear devices, which somehow contain the entire key to all of Russia's defense systems. If Jack refuses, the Heathen Chinee will whack off Penis Nose.

Back in DC, President Belushi isn't looking so good, but he can't step down, not with Jim Jones ready to burst through the wall with a hearty "Oh, Yeah!" So, Weasel Cage offers him a way out and tells him about the tape where Jim Jones refers to Cynthia McKinney Belushi as a "Nappy Headed Ho." But then, Frau Blucher bursts into the Batcave with good news: "The Heathen Chinee are gonna kill Penis Nose!"

While Chiggy Killer gives a hearty speech praising the surviving CTU staff for finding the nukes, for going 16 hours without a mole, and reminding them that "next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans."

RPF gets a call from Jack asking for the specs to the nucular bombs so he can swap them for Penis Nose. Chloe hesitates, "Jack, we both know that would result in an international incident... besides, shouldn't you be with the mother of your child? Patsy Ramsey?" Jack assures her that he'll never let those "yellow bastards" get their hands on the chip. RPF tries to get the specs off Al Bundy's workstation, but it takes a while as she sorts through his collection of foot fetish pr0n. Finally, she gets the specs to Jack just in the nick of time.

11:15:28 to 11:25:02
Jim Belushi calls Jim Jones in the Oval Office. "Look, JJ, I think you're great and everything... but I just think we should both see other Chief Executives for a while." JJ replies, more or less, "Bite my angry, Bob-Dole-like, ass." JB tries to be conciliatory: "Now, don't make this hard. We can still be friends." But ends up threatening to release the "nappy headed ho" tape to Al Sharpton. JJ concedes.

At CTU, Al Bundy spots the system hacking because he had installed a key-logger when no one was looking. RPF confesses. "All right, I did it to help Jack, but it's cool. Jack promised that he probably won't give the triggers to the Chinese." Al Bundy disagrees, "But I feel really bummed about helping the terrorists with those codes, I'm gonna narc you out." "Never mind, I'll narc myself out." RPF goes to Chiggy's office to confess in person.

Back where the bombs are, Jack tries to intimidates the Marines into letting him pass by making his fur stand on end and hissing at them. He succeeds, but then while he is removing the circuit board. Light Beer (Ricky Stratton) appears, and puts Jack (once again) in handcuffs. Jack has spent more time in handcuffs this season than Dick Morris at a bondage convention.

11:28:15 to 11:34:28
Jack talks to President Belushi to get permission to swap the nucular trigger for Penis Nose. "As Janet Reno once said, Mr President, you owe me, bitch." After Jack promises to load the chip with C-4 and go "Allah Akhbar" if Lick Poo tries to take it, the president reluctantly agrees.

11:38:42 to 11:47:52
Jack asks Ricky Stratton for help. "I need you to help me with Audrey's extraction. The Heathen Chinee are very crafty." Jack also has a score to settle with Lick Poo, who tortured him while he was in China. Jack promises, "When we're done, the chip will be destroyed, and Lick Poo will be dead."

Chloe and Al Bundy have a spat, but no one cares.

Ricky Stratton isn't thrilled to be along for the ride, and thinks Jack should kick Penis Nose to the curb. "I don't mix relationships with my job, Jack. Not since I lost my virginity to Erin Grey, anyway."

Back in DC, JJ tells Ann Coulter, "The President asked me to resign, and I'm going to." Ann Coulter doesn't like it, "That faggot? I'll scratch his eyes out and convert him to Christianity!" JJ takes her hand and tells her not to worry. "Hey, forget it, after I resign, I am gonna bone you like Snoop Dogg." They go to watch the president's midnight press conference. Zombie President Belushi yammers on about national healing and whatnot and at first no one notices he's babbling like Jessica Savitch. But then he suffers a seizure, and passes out. At first, the press applauds his Chevy Chase impression, but they realize something is wrong when JJ runs to the podium, spikes a football, and does a dance in the End Zone.

11:52:04 to 11:59:59
In the White House, the physician has, during the commercial break, diagnosed a stroke, sent the president to Bethesda Naval Hospital for an MRI, and cooked a Hot Pocket in his microwave. With JJ's in charge again, Ann Coulter checks the calendar and spots the presidential directive authorizing Jack's covert action. JJ thinks its a bad idea. "She bought her ticket. She knew the risks. I say, let her crash!"

Chiggy calls Doyle, and tells him to stand down the operation. "I need you to divert Jack from the freeway to a tactical team that will take him down" Doyle nods, "Roger that."

"Who was that?" Jack asks. "Oh, nobody. By the way, Jack, we can't take the 118. There's been an accident. A semi-truck full of eggs hit a truck full of cheese; there's quiche everywhere." Jack doesn't buy it, he pulls a gun. "I blew away Cola, I can sure as Hell blow away Light Beer." He tells Doyle, "Put out or Get Out."

Since he actually just meant, "get out," Jack leaves him by the side of the road.

Tick-Tock

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 10:00 PM and 11:00 PM

10:00:00 to 10:11:04
Yee-hah! Slim Pickens is riding the missile straight into Durkadurkastan! Fixin' to unleash some bottled sunshine. Frau Blucher and Weasel Cage are desperate to stop the missiles. Frau Blucher begs Chiggy to lie and say Jack is getting dirt from Nagonaworkhere, but Chiggy won't lie.

In full-blown panic, the ambassador from Durkadurkastan reports that his government has taken General Heebiejeebi into custody for working with Sameer Nagonaworkhere's terrorist cell. Zombie President Belushi aborts the missile. Now knowing the Durkadurkastanis have been lying the whole time, and the whole thing was a bluff it wasn't a real missile it was a dummy warhead (Demond Wilson was strapped to the nosecone.)

Back in El Lay, Jack pounds Nagonaworkhere like cheap veal, but Nagonaworkhere won't talk. Ricky Stratton wants to take a turn with him.


Ricky Stratton: "You think you're gonna be some knd of martyr. I don't think so, punk."
Nagonaworkhere: "I serve the will of God."
Ricky Stratton (putting a gun to Nagonaworkhere's head): "Let's try out that theory."

Jack stops Ricky Stratton and books the David Crosby suite at Betty Ford to hook up Nagonaworkhere to some chemical persuasion.

10:15:32 to 10:22:54
Weasel Cage brings Heebiejeebi's permanent record from elementary school. Zombie President Belushi is pleased. "Ha! Ran with scissors! I knew it!" Weasel apologizes for not trusting ZPB's judgment, and Belushi apologizes for not being more sensitive to Weasel Cage's feelings. ZPB says, "We all learned something here today." You know how I can tell ZPB and WC are gay? Because they hold each other oh so tenderly.

Naturally, the armored van is rammed by an armored truck on the way back to CTU. A bunch of thugs bust out of the armored truck and come at Jack and Ricky Stratton with machine guns. Jack uses his sidearm and manages to take out a couple before the bullet with his name on it finds him and leaves him sprawled on the pavement. As soon as Jack and Ricky are down, the thugs hustle off with Nagonaworkhere.

Jacks lies dead on the pavement. Then he rises as Zombie Jack Bauer. He informs CTU that the "rescue" of Nagonaworkhere went off as planned. Then, Zombie Bacardi turns to Zombie Light Beer and says, "Ricky you're bleeding... and your brains smell delicious." Ricky insists that it's minor.

As the armored van speeds away, a middle eastern man informs Nagonworkhere, "General Heebijeebi sent us. He wants us to help you rendezvous with your men." "Give me your gun," Nagonaworkhere demands, and then demands to talk to Heebijeebi directly.

10:27:23 to 10:37:32 Chiggy recaps the previous segment for the benefit of Zombie President Belushi and anyone else who was tuning in late or was too stupid to figure it out. (You know, like people who watch 'The View.') Chiggy and Zombie President Belushi to arrange for Heebijeebi to call in. The Durkadurkastani ambassador grovels in gratitude for the president not making baked glass out of the desert. Now, Frau Blucher starts talking tough, "That's not good enough, you lying sack of crap." "It's not lying, it's taqiyya, and besides, we even arrested his family. What else do you want from us?" ZPB suggests: "Well, could you shoot them... or at least fake it like Jack did in Season 2."

Back at CTU, Kemper is all pissy because he thinks Awana Fuqya likes Ricky Stratton better than him. Fuqya insists that she's only being nice because she likes hanging around Ricky's dad's mansion, which is stocked with arcade video games and has a scale model train. Al Bundy here's them arguing, and offers Kemper some words of wisdom. "Women, can't live with them... the end."

As the Durkadurkastani's hold a gun to his son's head for inspiration, Heebijeebi talks to Nagonworkhere. "You suck Nagonaworkhere. I should have sent Bahir to run this martyrdom operation. Make with the bombs already." Nagonaworkhere gives the team directions to the safe house.

Back at the Batcave, the president collapses.There hasn't been a president who fell down this much since Ulysses S Grant.

10:41:53 to 10:47:24
Awana Fuqya finds an inconsistency in the general's transcript. "He talks about someone named Bahir. That's not even a real middle Eastern name. it's that kid from 'South Park.''' She thinks it may have been a duress code. Jack tries to warn the CTU guys in the armored car, but just then, their truck enters a tunnel, cutting them off. The next time Jack sees the armored truck, it's stopped into the tunnel and most of the CTU tactical team is dead.

Seeing bullet holes in the service door of the tunnel (they always seem to have those, don't they?) Jack follows it and sees Nagonaworkhere pummeling some undocumented worker who was just doing a job American's won't do. Then, Nagonaworkhere steals his truck. Apparently, the FBI was asleep at the switch when Nagonaworkhere took a CDL course and got a Class F Heavy Equipment License.

Jack clings to the bottom of the garbage truck, and still manages to call CTU. "Hey, Look at me, I'm T.J. Hooker!"

10:51:42 to 10:59:59
Zombie President Belushi is strapped back into his chair. "Must. Eat. More. Brains." His doctor will have none of it. "Either you stop eating brains or I quit." "What if I just ate one really big brain?" Frau Blucher agrees to send for George F. Will.

Nagonaworkhere speeds back towards Initech. Upon arrival, he orders his men to load the nukes onto the truck and make ready to drive to the middle of downtown Los Angeles, where they will detonate them at midnight, resulting in as many as five casualties.

Then, Jack starts shooting up the place. There are like twenty terrorists firing at him with AK's, and Jack's got like one hand gun and a can of Dole pineapple, but he fights like Chuck Norris and kills them all and then beats the crap outta Sameer Nagonaworkhere. Jack hooks him up to a chain and whispers, "Say hello to your little brother... and my wife ... and Tony Almeda, and Michelle Dressler, and Edgar Stiles, and Edgar Stiles's Mom, and Lynn McGill, and Curtis Manning and David Palmer and Ryan Chappelle and ... Elvis and Don Knotts." Then Jack hangs him.

Doyle is the first to catch up with him. "Bombs are on the table." Jack tells him. "It's Miller Time." Jack checks his watch. "And in less time than it usually takes."

Then, Jack gets a mysterious phone call from his "dead" Season 4 girlfriend, Zombie Penis Nose. The heathen Chinee are holding her prisoner and torturing, but unlike with Muslims, you won't hear any professional grievance groups whining about it. Just ask Sarah Silverman. Anyway, the heathen Chinee demand that Jack call them back, presumably, so they can continue to do horrible things to him.

Or for them?

Tick Tock

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 9:00 pm and 10:00 pm

09:00:00 to 09:09:07
In the Batcave, Zombie President Belushi munches on some fresh brains and declines the use of a wheelchair. Frau Blucher compares Zombie President Belushi to FDR. "FDR could do lots of things in a wheelchair... which is how he knocked up my mom."

Meanwhile, Jim Jones has snapped and now thinks he's Bob Dole.When Zombie President Belushi enters the conference room, he says, ""Jim Jones is glad to see you back. Jim Jones thinks you should step down. Jim Jones is tired of the president doing nothing in response to terrorism. Jim Jones wants to talk to the attorney general."

At CTU, Jack lets Chiggy has no intention of following through on any immunity agreement with Whistler.

09:13:32 to 09:20:07
At CTU: Kemper and Awana Fuqya needlessly remind the audience that their tense working relationship is now counterpointed by a hot personal relationship.
Kemper: "Any word on the cabinet vote?"
Awana: "Nope."
Kemper: "Wanna make out in the server room?"
Awana: "Maybe. You realize I am a devout Muslim, so, I am going to be honor-killed for what we did, you infidel bastard."
Kemper: "Sucks to be you."

Ricky Stratton apologizes to Awana Fuqya. Then, he tells her he thinks Kemper screwed up, and he wants her to nail him by snooping into his computer. Either that, or he'll call the Geek Squad from Best Buy haul him away kicking and screaming, and that will be embarrassing for everybody.

Back at the batcave, the cabinet votes on whether to drink Kool Aid with Jim Jones or eat brains with Jim Belushi. Of course, it comes out a 7-7 tie. According to the Attorney General, there's no majority, Zombie President Belushi stays in power. Belushi does a victory dance then eats the brains of the Secretary for Housing and Urban Development.

Jim Jones disagrees. "Jim Jones disagrees," he says. "Frau Blucher doesn't count, she resigned and Jim Jones accepted her resignation. Jim Jones is the president. Where's the outrage?" "I'll sue your cracker ass," declares President Belushi. "It's up to the Supreme Court," the Attorney General decides. Weasel Cage suggests they wake up the supreme court and present them with briefs, except Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who'll just sleep through it anyway, and John Paul Stevens, whose briefs are stained with his senile incontinence.

09:24:34 to 09:37:02
Awana Fuqya distracts Kemper by complaining of a hardware problem.
Awana:"My cupholder is broken."
Kemper: "You mean the CD-ROM drive."
Awana: "Is that what that thing is?"

Kemper goes to check it out. She checks out his computer and finds out he forget to refresh his password and also clicked on some damn 'punch the monkey' thing, in violation of CTU rules. Stratton covers up for him, "You see, that's what I do. I act like a total dick, then I turn around and do something decent. Crazy, isn't it?" Awana Fuqya is surprised when he quotes the Koran at her. "Yes I've read the Koran. And the Bible... but I'm all really about Dianetics. You know, if we could just get those terrorists into auditing, get them into clear Thetas..."

Immunity deal in hand, Whistler calls Nagonaworkere. They agree to meet at the Santa Monica pier in ten minutes. "It'll be romantic. I can see it now: just you, me, and the moon. Wear a necktie so I'll know you."

Nagonaworkhere and his henchmen are loading beer kegs into the back of a truck, apparently they support their terrorism by working as Coors distributors. "Let's just nuke 'em now, and declare 'Miller Time.'" one of the henchmen says. But Nagonaworkhere is gonna stick with the man. "No, with Whistler's data, we can irradiate half of California."

Cynthia McKinney Belushi is putting together the brief. "Ladies and crackers of the court, If you don't leave my brother in power, I'll beat you to death with my cell phone." They agree they've got a strong case. Ann Coulter and Jim Jones are performing their own evaluation and decide their best shot is for Ann Coulter to perjure himself. "Jim Jones wants you to commit perjury," says Jim Jones, then sends her out to get some Viagra. Weasel Cage walks in. He shows Jim Jones the transmitter that picked up his conversation with Ann Coulter. "Jim Jones says turn that off before I shove this pen through your neck."

09:41:25 to 9:48:13
Cynthia McKinney informs Zombie President Belushi that Vice President Jim Jones has withdrawn his suit. "Hot damn!' Zombie President Belushi exclaims. "Now, back to appeasement." He asks her to tell those cabinet members who sided with Jim Jones to wash their heads and come into his office. Then, he calls his doctor.

A CTU techie injects Whistler with a radioactive isotope that will lodge in his bones and enable CTU to track him. He picks up a cell phone, reads a txt msg, wonders what the hell "S dat a ph n yr pocket or RU Jst =:) 2C M?" means, then two thugs grab him and take him into a building, where he strips off the wire.

Nagonaworkhere is crushed. "You led them to me?""I had no choice, but if you listen to me, we both get out of here alive." Jack follows his signal into the building, where he finds out that Whistler has been disarmed.

9:52:36 to 9:59:59
An exciting top of the hour shoot out ensues. Jack is pinned down by Nagonaworkhere's martyrs, but manages to kill them somehow.

Meanwhile, a one-armed Russian and a Muslim terrorist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Where did you get that horrible hideous thing?" the one-armed Russian says, "Saudi Arabia."

Then, shooting breaks out in the bar. A bar patron goes down. Jack kicks Nagonaworkhere in the face, but Whistler escapes.

Zombie President Belushi eats his doctor's brain.

Whistler stumbles underneath the pier. Weak from blood loss and reeking of swarthy terrorist man-love, he falls. As he dies, he sees a vision in the distance... a man in a leather jacket water-skiing over a shark. What could it mean?

Frau Blucher wants to declare a truce with Weasel Cage. They agree to agree to disagree. Then, Weasel Cage gets an ominous phone call. President Belushi is going ahead with the nuclear strike. The launch is successful.

Hey, if Mitt Romney can flip-flop on abortion...

Tick-Tock

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 8:00 pm and 9:00 pm

08:00:00 to 08:10:23

The Drone Op's as dead as Britney's career.
Jack's pissed for the excessive corpses, 'round here
Martouf finds the module, that proves AF was no mole
He sells it to Ricky, in exchange for his soul

Chiggy tells Jack about the Veep's plan
To pass out Atomic Kool-Aid to Durkadurkastan
"Doesn't he know that that will start World War III?"
And Chiggy asks, "Jack, when do you pee?"

Whistler is pissed because his drone didn't blow.
With three bombs down and two more to go.
Nagonaworkhere's fed up, tells Whistler to Farg It
But Whistler says "Only I can give you the target."

Whistler calls Charlie Babbit, for his services, begs
Raymond will do it when he's done with his eggs.
But his desperate call was intercepted by Chloe.
Awana Fuqya is arrested as an enemy combatant, Oy!


08:14:35 to 08:24:08

Cynthia McKinney keeps vigil, by the president's bed, in a stupor,
And in the midst of distress, she's bugged by Frau Blucher
"Jim Belushi must awaken, we have enemies to appease"
Cyn' smacks her with a cell phone. But then she agrees.

Back at the Batcave, the Vickery takes position
To launch a nuke payload at Jim Jones's volition
The bomb has a yield of 300 kilotons
That will burn durkastanis into char-broiled skeletons

Jim Jones asks how many stiffs they'll be making,
Then Ann Coulter walks in, there's a call that needs taking.
"Belushi's faggot doctor is bringing him out of the coma.
He'll FUBAR your plans to droppa the bomba."

Jim Jones calls the doctor. "If you don't stop right now,
I'll make you stop, though I'm not sure quite how."
The doctor says "it's not up to you, it's Cynthia's choice,"
Then, whacks him with a cell phone, with text and with voice.

Back in L.A., Jack and his crew, on the move
Into Rain Man's house, and they start to groove
Charlie Babbitt takes bullets right through the pants
And confesses the target is a nuke power plant.


08:28:22 to 08:34:45

Jack goes easy on Raymond, for mercy's good sake
Jack tells Raymond his brother has made some mistakes,
Raymonds says: "Hey, I make mistakes, too
Like that time I used my own turds to make stew."

Jack decides to go forward and set up a sting...
To nail the terrorists, it's the onliest thing
Charlie calls Whistler, says don't be a fool
And then sets up Rain Man, to act as his mule.

Martouf goes to Milo, back at CTU
And tells him about the module, intending Ricky to screw
Milo thought he nailed Ricky, but Al Bundy appeared
Said, "He gave me the module, Awana Fuqya is cleared."

Ricky pins Martouf, it's his favorite pasttime
And says, "You've screwed with the wrong guy for the last time.
You thought I hated her, just because she was Moslem?"
It's sad when two faggots have personal problems.


08:38:54 to 08:49:52

RPF says to Kemper, back at the CTU
"When Awana gets back, it will suck to be you."
Kemper and Fuqya make out like hell.
Like they were the new Tony A and Michelle.

While Kemper and Fuqya kiss and make up
Cyndi and Blucher just want Jim to wake up.
The doc is concerned, if his condition's not managed
The result could be irreversible Dain Bramage.

Jack takes an earpiece, to fix up Raymond all proper
But Raymond just wants to stay home and watch Wapner.
Whistler pulls up and mutters in Russian foreboding
"You can waste this little retard, when I'm done downloading."

Jack's shooter is blocked by Raymond's fat head
But Rain Man gets down, and he snipes the red
When Whistler wakes up, he refuses to squeal
Minus the usual deluxe immunity deal.


08:53:54 to 08:59:59

Jim Jones wants Vickery to be unloading
Weasel Cage argues "Why not just stop any more nukes from 'sploding.
Why go ahead, with this dangerous thumping."
Jim Jones bellows, "'Cos I gotta nuke something!"

Belushi arises, to Blucher's relief
And resumes his duties as Commander-in-Chief.
"Oh, and you were so good at that," Jim Jones, the veep, sneers.
He demands the AG, or as Ann calls him, "that queer."

Tick Tock.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 7:00 pm and 8:00 pm

07:00:00 to 07:10:47

Outside the Russian consulate... body bags... lots and lots of body bags. It's like they were hosting The Source Hip-Hop Awards. Back at CTU, they are pointing satellites at the desert looking for drones. The the nuclear-armed stealth kind, not the Borg kind. In the Desert, where night has suddenly fallen between last hour and this one, Whistler and Nagonaworkhere prepare to launch the only drone they've got ready to go. It will be remote controlled by some Russian dude with a Nintendo Wii.

♫"No need to ask, he's a drone operator...
drone... operator..." ♫

Meanwhile, RPF who was upgrading security systems -- which they apparently do every couple of hours and yet still not often enough at CTU -- and noticed that Awana Fugya was using Kemper's security code, she tells them that it's a felony breach of security, but then Kemper gives her the Puss'n'Boots face. RPF says, "Oh, I can't report you," The same trick worked with Sandy Berger.

Chiggy and Al Bundy have detected the drone on satellite, and determined it's headed for downtown L.A. Then Al Bundy loses the drone, because the Russians have hacked CTU and disrupted their tracking capability. Real nice freakin' security upgrade, RPF.


07:15:12 to 07:24:13

RPF determines that if the drone had been headed to L.A., it would have gone off by now. So, they're good. Jack and Ricky Stratton show up at CTU. Chiggy wants Jack to go to medical and tend to his wounds, but Jack decides to run over and see Patsy Ramsay Bauer instead. Jack tells Patsy he still has feelings for Audrey. Patsy tells him, "Oh, forget about the Welsh tart. She's dead. But I'm alive... and I'm all woman." Jack goes into CTU and yells at RPF. "Why didn't anyone tell me Patsy was a woman?" Jack demands to see the file on Audrey's death. RPF protests, "But I've almost found the nuclear drone." Jack: "Forget about the drone. Bring me the file."

Weasel Cage gives Frau Blucher a warm welcome upon her return to the batcave ... about as warm as Pat Buchanan welcoming Elinor Clift to a United Jewish Appeal fundraiser. Jim Jones convenes his meeting with the JCS "OK, here's the long and the short of it, if that nuclear bomb detonates in US territory, we're gonna uncork some bottled sunshine over Durkadurkastan."

A creepy wheelchair-bound scientist explains the plan. "Mr. President, deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the FEAR to attack. Mein fuhrer... I mean, Mr. President, ve can achieve your results by nuking a small area near zeir norzern border. Ze casualties zhould be limited to some 2000 goatherders und zeir families."



During the break, there's a commercial for Michael Jackson's new show, "Are You Hotter than a Fifth Grader?"


07:28:36 to 07:34:55

RPF is once again closing in on the drone's position, but Kemper pulls her off so she can see if Al Bundy's been drinkin'. Priorities. RPF gives Bundy an open-mouthed kiss, "He's clean." Chiggy makes a note to put Chloe in charge of drug screening for new CTU recruits.

Back in the Batcave, Frau Blucher is opposed to the president's plan and tries to win over Weasel Cage. "This is not what President Belushi would have wanted." Weasel Cage reminds her of Belushi's track record, turning loose the terrorist, getting Valencia nuked, and besides... "the vice president makes a mean cup of grape Kool-Aid."

At CTU, after being called away to make coffee, run out to Taco Bell for snacks, and pick up Chiggy's dry cleaning, RPF has finally figured out that a mole has enabled the ♫drone operator♫ to see where they are searching before they search it, and pilot the drone away from the satellite track. The leak is coming from Awana Fuqya's computer. Awana gets hauled away by CTU Security goons, apparently wearing hand-me-downs from the Love Boat, and Kemper is stunned.

Meanwhile, Whistler and Nagonaworkhere decide the drone will detonate over San Francisco right about at the top of the hour. San Franciscans panic over the lack of time to organize an appeasement demonstration.


07:39:22 to 07:46:48

Frau Blucher checks on President Belushi and is informed he's in a coma. Frau Blucher wants to wake him up. The doctor rolls his eyes, "Didn't you hear me, I said he was in a coma?"

Kemper is all moony over Awana Fuqya, who is being interrogated by Ricky Stratton. Kemper is SO jealous, but Awana isn't impressed. "Jack would have pulled out my fingernails by now." Meanwhile, Al Bundy has located the place the signal is being fed back to. It's conveniently close to CTU and has excellent parking. Kemper tells Ricky Stratton the location of the feed, and Ricky skips off like the happy little tow-headed boy he is.

Nearby, Jack is all moony over Audrey's file. Then, he sees a tactical team deploying and asks where they're going. A tactical dude gives him the thumb's up. "Kegger at the drone pilot's house." Jack asks Chloe for a PDA and a phone. Chiggy tells him he's still injured and not to go, but Jack's all about avenging Audrey's death and stuff.


07:50:54 to 07:59:59

Jack and Ricky Stratton... gotta call them, Bacardi and Bud Light .... move in on the hideout (which must have been, like, across the street from CTU) shooting Russkis as they go. They soon reach the control room, where the ♫drone operator♫ cowers behind the control panel. Bud Light shoots him, and Bacardi takes over the controls. Since the bomb is GPS controlled, it will only detonate once it reaches its target. Jack tries desperately to steer it away.

Leslie Nielsen pokes his head in to say, "I just want you to know, we're all counting on you."

Jacks steers the drone away at the last second and crash lands it in an industrial park. The nuke is on fire, but not going off. Ann Coulter delivers the news that the nuke didn't go off to the president. She's disappointed. "That would have killed millions of faggots." Jim Jones is disappointed, but decides. "Aw, hell, let's nuke 'em anyway!"

Tick-Tock

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 6:00 pm and 7:00 pm

06:00:00 to 06:15:55

Obi-Wan is hanging out at CTU, where he is understandably not very popular, owing to the whole Tex-Mex gas thing last year that killed Truffle Shuffle. RPF drops by and tells him Jack is still being held prisoners by the Russkis. RPF then says she is "feeling ambivalent," and leaves to go make out with Awana Fuqya.

Well, in my fantasy, that's how the scene played out.

Kemper argues with Ricky Stratton over whether it's a good idea to invade the Russian consulate just to rescue Jack. Ricky tells him, "Liberating Jack is a secondary goal. Mainly, we're in it to impress the chicks. O'Doyle rules!" Kemper calls Ricky a jerk and alludes to something that happened years ago in South Park. Chiggy Killer settles their hash, "It's ultimately up to the vice president. But he'll dig it. He's all about impressing the chicks."

The Russian dude who whacked off Deadmeatsky announces that he is "terminating the American." But Jack whips off his belt and beats him like Bing Crosby. Then, Jack shoots him and escapes through the instrument storage room used by the Russian consulate marching band. Jack hides in a tuba case until the guards leave, then finds a phone and tries to call Al Bundy. He says to Bundy he knows where Whistler and the nukes are, but then Ivana Jackoff cuts off the phone line. So, Jack pisses onto the power junction box and takes out power to the embassy.

Back at CTU, Obi-Wan Logan wants to know if he can help. Now that they know Jack knows where the nukes are, they have an excuse to extract him. Obi-Wan says raiding the consulate is a bad idea. "Got anything better?" Chiggy snarls at him. Obi-Wan does. "Check with my crazy wife. She can get the Russians to help." Seems Mary Todd and Anya Subaru, the wife of the Russian president, are soul sisters.

Then, Al Bundy mouths off to Ricky Stratton. Big mistake. Ricky Stratton grabs Al Bundy by the neck, punches him out, and then bitches out the entire CTU. "I have 25 soldiers about to put their asses on the line. I don't have time for anybody's personality disorder." Then, he adds, "O'Doyle rules!"

Back a the Batcave, Jim Jones asks Weasel Cage to lie about seeing Bashir plant the bomb. Weasel Cage balks at that, so Jim Jones pours him a tall cool glass of Kool-Aid. "Just tell the ambassador that you saw Bashir plant the bomb." Weasel Cage agrees to think about it, and Jim Jones yells, "Oh, Yeah!" and instructs his top aide, Ann Coulter, to tell DOJ that Weasel Cage is cool and had no role in the assassination attempt. "You are one lucky faggot," Ann Coulter tells him.


06:20:22 to 06:26:28

At the boneyard, Sameer Nagonaworkhere, the terrorist, shows up with the bombs. Just to make sure the audience doesn't forget about the terrorists or the nukes.

Chiggy brings Jim Jones up to speed on the plan to invade the consulate. Jim Jones doesn't think either the tactical assault or the getting Obi-Wan's crazy wife to talk to President Subaru will work, but he authorizes both plans because, compared to sending every Muslim in North America to a concentration camp and nuking the hell out of the Middle East, invading the Russian Consulate is no big.

Then, back at wherever Mary Todd Logan is, Red Foreman shows up with a bag of groceries and her favorite magazines... Crazy Ex-First Lady Monthly, Middle-Aged Whackjob Weekly, Deranged Ex-Wife Journal, O... He's also brought TP for her bungalow. Then, Obi-Wan calls, but Mary Todd doesn't want to speak to him. "She doesn't want to talk to you, dumbass," Foreman tells Obi-Wan. "Tell her it's about the Subarus," Obi-Wan replies. "I don't want to talk about any ugly-ass Tribeca!" Mary Todd insists. She gets on the phone with him but quickly loses it. So, Obi-Wan decides he's going to come visit her.


06:31:04 to 06:37:35

Four and a half minutes later, Obi-Wan is airborne. Chiggy reiterates to him that the only way to avoid war with the Russians is for him to get Mary Todd to call Mrs Subaru. The helo soon lands outside her bungalow "You have to call Mrs. Subaru and get the Russian president to surrender Jackoff to CTU, because he was the one who provided the nukes to the terrorists."

"That's funny," Mary Todd says. "Because in Soviet Russia, terrorists provide nukes to you." Then, she agrees to make the call if someone will "fix me a gawdam drink."

Meantime, Jack comes across across a Russian couple we'll call Boris and Natasha making out in the communication room. They think he's already killed a Russki, and they're right they just don't know which one, but it does make Boris more cooperative about fetching Jack a cell phone while Jack holds a gun on Natasha.


06:42:02 to 06:48:52

Ricky Stratton's strike team speeds to the Russian consulate, but their truck hits a banana peel and they're all killed. (j/k)

Meanwhile, Jim Jones meets with the Ambassador from Durka Durkastan. "I have a carrier group ready to rain fiery death on your cities unless you help us find those other nukes before they go off," Jim Jones warns him. Ann Coulter adds that the survivors will be forced to convert to Christianity.

They try to connect Mary Todd to Mrs. Subaru, but Mrs. Subaru is in the middle of giving a speech. So, they have to wait. Mary Todd sits on Red Foreman's lap. "Does it bother you to see me with another man?" "Sure does, crazy lady," Obi-Wan tells her. So, she goes into the kitchen and starts viciously chopping vegetables with a knife and ranting about what an evil man he is.In short, acting just exactly like my brother's first wife, or Martha Stewart when Jane Clayson asked her about her stock deal. Then, Mary Todd stabs Obi-Wan in the shoulder with the knife, which comes as a total shock to anyone who didn't see the previews last week.


06:53:14 to 06:59:59

Obi-Wan is wheeled out of the bungalow and into a waiting ambulance. Mary Todd doesn't see what she did wrong. Lorena Bobbitt offers to explain it to her. Then, CTU puts her through to Mrs Subaru. Mary Todd tells her, "I just killed my husband. You're next." Persuaded by her plea, President Subaru calls the consulate and orders Jackoff to surrender and turn over Jack Bauer unharmed, but Jackoff refuses, explaining, "In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer surrenders you." So, Subaru approves of the incursion into the Russian embassy.

Boris returns with the cell phone, but he is followed by Jackoff's thugs, who come in and start shooting up the place. Jack manages to hold off the entire consulate security force and their Kalishnakovs with a single handgun and a belt. Then, Ricky Stratton leads his teams of chubby red-haired CTU agents to assault the embassy, and soon the sidewalks run red with pink commie blood. Sensing the end is near, Jackoff calls Whistler and tells him he has to launch now. Then, one of the tactical team shoots Jackoff in the gut.

Back at the Boneyard, Sameer Nagonaworkhere announces that the drone is ready for launch and orders the bomb armed.

In the ambulance, Obi-Wan Logan flatlines.

Tick-Tock

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 5:00 pm and 6:00 pm

5:00:00 to 5:12:04

President Belushi is wheeled into the ER. The SecDef decides that VP Jim Jones will now be in charge. "I'll drink to that," says Jim Jones. Everyone seems very concerned that Weasel Cage is missing and the SecDef orders that the whole batcave be sweeped. Rodent Boy grabs a broom and pretends to look busy.

Ironically, Weasel Cage is in the janitor’s closet being taunted by Random Task. Rodent Boy walks in and Random Task asks if he can whack off Weasel Cage. “We can’t kill Weasel Cage,” Rodent Boy insists. “Why not?” Random Task demands. “Because we’re not murderers…. Well, technically we are… look, if you kill him, you’ll have to kill me... then you'll be a super-duper heavy duty murderer to infinity.” Random Task agrees to let Rodent Boy try to reason with Weasel Cage. Rodent Boy promises that if Weasel Cage comes over to the dark side, he can round up all the Muslims he wants... and maybe some Hare Krishnas. Weasel Cage agrees. But when the exit the janitor's closet, Weasel Cage totally narcs out Rodent Boy and Random Task to the Secret Service. "Hey, that was totally not cool man," Rodent Boy chitters. "What happened to you? You used to be cool. It's like I don't even know you anymore."

Back in El Lay, Jack and Obi-Wan Logan approach the Russian Consulate. In the back of the limo, Obi-Wan starts babbling about the loneliness of being locked away from the world, and some jabber about hearing voices inside and how they can help. The voices have also told him to shave his head and proclaim himself the anti-Christ. Chiggy Killer calls Jack, and tells him about the bomb that went off in the batcave, Killing Bashir and severely wounding President Belushi.


5:16:25 to 7:24:54

VP Jim Jones steps off Air Force 1, and is met by his top aide, Ann Coulter, who calls him a faggot. Jim Jones calls Chiggy at CTU and demands to know what the hell is going on with Obi-Wan Logan getting a furlough. Chiggy explains it’s the only way to get the location of Whistler. Jack will be keeping Obi-Wan on a short leash… "Kinky," Jim Jones says. (Jim Jones has a scowl that could put Dick Cheney off his lunch.)

At the consulate, Obi-Wan insists that he meet with Ivana Jackoff alone. Jack is not cool with this. “I’m not cool with this,” Jack says, but Obi-Wan insists it’s the only way Jackoff will spill his guts ... his hot, white creamy guts. In the consulate, Obi-Wan confronts Jackoff about the suitcase nuke. Jackoff offers him a cigar, but denies knowing anything about the location of Whistler. “Give me Whistler, or I’ll let Moscow know that you were the one who gave the terrorists the Tex-Mex gas two years ago.” Jackoff gets really pissy and insists he doesn’t know where Whistler is, and Obi-Wan claims to believe him. As soon as he leaves, Jackoff calls Whistler, who is at the old abandoned airpark, assembling stealth UAV’s and getting high off the airplane glue.

Obi-Wan reports to Jack that Jackoff is lying, that he really does know where Whistler is. Jack decides he's going into the consulate. "If you go into the consulate, you'll be violating international law," Obi-Wan warns him.

"Tell me something I don't know," Jack snarls.

"I had the first spoken lines in the movie 'Airplane!' Obi-Wan replies

Jack calls RPF and tells her to "Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!" I mean, cut power to the Russian consulate. Jack’s going back in. After a few hours with his dysfunctional family, a foreign prison seems mighty inviting.


5:29:06 to 5:38:48

Chiggy tells Frau Blucher about the attempt on the president’s life, and that Jim Jones is in charge. This makes Frau Blucher decide to go back to the batcave. Jim Jones, meanwhile, is ready to implement ‘Martian Law.’

Under interrogation, Weasel Cage is singing like Celine Dion… meaning nobody wants to listen to him. The Secret Service isn’t buying that he tried to stop Rodent Boy and Random Task, even though Weasel insists he was only trying to "ferret out" Rodent Boy. But the Secret Service smells a rat. Then, they watch a Richard Gere movie. Then, Jim Jones comes in and says, if Weasel Cage will stop spreading conspiracy theories, he'll dub him "Sir Phobos: Knight of Mars, Beater of Ass!"

Back at the Russian consulate, Jack yammers something in made-up Russian at a guard. Then, RPF cuts the power and Jack makes it inside where he whips out a gun on Jackoff. “I don’t have time to ask nicely, where’s Grandenko?” “I think it’s near Kaliningrad,” Jackoff answers. Jack calls Chiggy, “You better tell President Jim Jones I’m barricaded inside the Russian embassy, and Jack Bauer’s gonna have to choke a bitch. He'll understand.”


5:43:02 to 5:49:49

Jim Jones tries out his presidential chair. Ann Coulter addresses him, “Hey, faggot! You ready to give your speech, faggot? Frau Blucher is on her way back to the batcave, faggot.” About then, Chiggy calls and lets Jim Jones know that Jack is inside the Russian Counselate, which may have pissed the VP off, or not. It's kind of hard to tell with somebody who's always pissed off. (What exactly did this guy bring to the Wayne Palmer 2012 ticket anyway?) Then, Ann Coulter gets another call. “Hey, faggot, it’s the faggot Russian President Subaru. You wanna talk to him, faggot?”

Meanwhile, Jack is beating down Jackoff, or beating off Jackdown. Something like that. “Who does Number Two work for?” Jack demands. Then, he remembers a scene from his favorite movie, Spies Like Us, and threatens to amputate Jackoff’s fingers, which would make further masturbation jokes problematic at best. Then, Jack cuts off a finger --- not his, Jackoff's. Then, he points a gun to Jackoff’s head, and Jackoff goes limp and spills that Whistler is in Shadow Valley building drones as airborne delivery vehicles for the nukes. Jack is about to leave when the door explodes, knocking him down and allowing the Russian consulate guards to swarm over him and beat him like Rodney Kingski.


05:54:05 to 05:59:59

Jim Jones addresses the nation, and tells the nation that President Belushi was nearly killed in a terrorist attack, and as a result, he’s going to send the entire country to bed without dinner.

Then, Al Bundy cracks the code to the Russian embassy and determines that they’re holding Jack prisoner. Chiggy readies another tactical team to take the consulate by force if necessary. Back at the consulate, Jack starts talking to the puffy guard who’s guarding him, Comrade Deadmeatsky. Jack tells Deadmeatsky to call CTU and let them know that Whistler is in the Shadow Valley, preparing drones to launch a nuclear attack. Deadmeatsky tries to call Chiggy Killer, but gets a slug in the back of his head from a guy who looks like Vladimir Putin. Oh well.

Tick-Tock

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm

4:00:00 to 4:12:32
Whistler calls Sameer Nagonaworkhere and basically, they need another three hours to put together the warheads and the delivery systems, thus setting up the time frame for the next 3 - 4 episodes. Apparently, they intend to deliver the bombs using some kind of stealthy drone built with "American taxpayer dollars."

V the K: (raising his hand) Question?
24 Producer: (rolling eyes) What is it, Mr the K?
V the K: "Why do they need to steal drones when the terrorists have already shown they have suicide bombers? We've seen they can pretty much fly helicopters anywhere they want, so we know there are no airspace restrictions in effect. So, wouldn't it be easier for them just to get a few Piper Cubs and ...Ow! Stop hitting me!

Back at the batcave, President Jim Belushi has a new aide, who looks like Sondra from Space 1999. Belushi is receiving the Ambassador from Durkadurkastan. The Ambassador and Bashir get along like Rosie and Donald. "I recognize Mr. Bashir. He's the terrorist who killed my seven year old son." "No, you're the terrorist," Bashir says. "Nunh Unh." "Unh Huh!" "You're fat!" "You have icky hair!" Belushi presents his "smarter, tougher" scheme to end terrorism. "Bashir will tell all the terrorists to disarm, chill, and open up 7-11's... and, voila, peace will rule." But his plan requires that all three of them go on TV and sing "Kum Ba Yah" together. The Ambassador balks, but then Belushi threatens to lock him in a Motel Six with his sister Cynthia McKinney Belushi for a 227 marathon. The ambassador collapses and begs for mercy. Belushi whacks him with his cell phone. Also at the batcave, Rodent Boy escorts the assassin, Random Task, through security. Their plan is simple: detonate the bomb when Bashir and Belushi are together. Make it look like one of those suicide bombings CAIR tells us never happen.

Back at CTU, Jack calls in from the Grand Mal hotel. He needs a helicopter to take to Chuck Logan's place in Hidden Valley, where the former president runs a successful ranch dressing business. It seems that after the former president assassinated David Palmer, conspired with terrorists to mass murder Americans, and attempted to murder his own SecDef, he was essentially sentenced to a "time-out." Chiggy agrees to send a chopper since Chuck "Obi-Wan" Logan is their last hope. As he leaves the hotel, Jack sees Patsy Ramsey Bauer and Jack Junior. Jack promises to explain everything to Jack Jr. when all this is over (in about 13 hours). That conversation will probably begin, "You see, when a man loves his brother's wife very much..."

4:16:55 to 4:23:38
Al Bundy has been trying to decode some hoosahmuhfudge from the Russian Safe House and failing. RPF suggests he tries reversing the polarity and triaxilating the subspace harmonics. "Of course, why didn't I think of that." Then she tells him he should call his sponsor. He says he already did. Then, RPF gets confronted by Awana Fuqya, who wants Al Bundy relieved from duty because she thinks he's been drinking. She also found a pack of cigarettes in Greg Brady's letterman jacket, and she's going to tattle about that, too.

Jack arrives at Hidden Valley Ranch after a semi-realistic 10-minute chopper ride. Obi-Wan Logan claims that the time-out worked, he's had time to think about what he has done, and he knows of someone who can help Jack recover the nukes, the Russian Consul, Ivana Jackoff. Jack scoffs, "CTU checked him out already." "He won't talk to you, but he'll talk to me," Obi-Wan says. Jack agrees to put on a suit and go with Obi-Wan to that "wretched hive of scum and villainy" known as the Russian Consulate,

4:28:03 to 4:34:58
Jack calls President Belushi. Belushi is not down with the plan because he thinks Obi-Wan will try to escape. Meanwhile, in the basement of the Batcave, Rodent Boy comes in, "Is it a bomb yet?" Random Task hits him with a wooden spoon. "It'll be ready when it's ready," Rodent Boy realizes the import of their plot. "Dude, we are like killing the president." "Dude," Random Task agrees. Then, they air guitar each other.

Back at CTU, Chiggy Killer is handing out assignments. "Bundy, you're out. RPF, take over for Bundy." But then, Bundy makes the Puss 'n' Boots face and Chiggy keeps him on, over the objections of Awana Fuqya, who thinks he has a drinking problem. "I do not have a drinking problem" Bundy insists as he dumps a glass of water into his eye socket.

4:39: 22 to 4:49:13
Awana Fuqya is still gunning for Bundy, and she's ready to nail him for not putting the right covers on his TPS reports. Then, RPF gets a call from Bundy's sponsor, and finds out he hasn't called her in like two years. So, then RPF busts in on him while he's on the toilet. "J'accuse!" she confronts him about lying about talking to his sponsor. "Wrong sponsor," he tells her. Chastened, she leaves, and we find out he really was drinking. Who cares? Why has valuable "Jack killing people" time been wasted with this stupid sub-plot?

Meanwhile, a naked Obi-Wan Logan talks to himself in the mirror. "Would you f**k me? I'd f**k me. I'd f**k me hard."

Back at the Batcave, Caged Weasel is coughing, so Rodent Boy takes pity on him, takes off his gag, spits on a handkerchief and wipes the smudges off his bald little head. He asks Weasel if he was ever really on their side. Weasel says no, so Rodent Boy bites him on the cheek and gives him rabies. RB then checks on Random Task, who has finished turning his tape recorder and two highlighters into a bomb, and hands it over to Rodent Boy to put on the president's podium.

4:53:35 to 4:59:59
So, Rodent Boy discreetly places the bomb in the podium. Bashir spots it before it goes off, but it explodes in to a "goodness gracious great ball of fire" probably large enough to wound the president without killing him, but good enough to put VP Jim Jones in charge of the country.

Tick-Tock.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 3:00 pm and 4:00 pm

03:00:00 to 03:09:46

OK, so we got Whistler trying to use nukes to start a war between the USA and "Arab Nations." We got Zefram Cochrane Bauer trying to kill Jack and Jack Jr. We got VP Jim Jones plotting to whack president Jim Belushi. And the question on everyone's mind... what the hell Britney? Why'd you shave your head?

Jack picks himself up after last week's explosion and follows in hot pursuit of Patsy Ramsey Bauer and Griff (Kemper). Zef's thugs call in and erroneously report in that Jack is dead. Zef orders them to take Patsy alive so he can find Whistler. Griff and Patsy hid behind a dumpster, and Griff tells Patsy to run while he gives her cover, but almost ends up sacrificing himself for nothing because the silly she-ho doesn't know the meaning of the word "run." Just as Zef's thugs are about to finish off Griff, Jack shows up and whacks one of the thugs, then he offs the other thug, and he's about whack off the third thug, but the thug surrenders. Jack takes a look at Griff's bullet wound and says, "Oh, Snap! Stop cryin', y'big sissy. Who d'ya think you are, Tonya harding?" Then, he turns the charm on Patsy, by which I mean he holds a gun to her face, and she starts singing like Roseanne Arnold. She tells Jack it was Zef who set up the exploding house deal and gives up Whistler's safe house -- 9124 Russian Safehouse Street -- and Jack passes it on to CTU.

"How could I have been so stupid," Jack asks himself, remembering that horrible Simpsons episode he did.


3:12:12 to 3:21:22

Back at CTU, everybody is rubbing it into Al Bundy about what a big hero Griff is, and Bundy goes off. "That's all I ever hear about, anymore. Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" Also, Bundy and Griff had a long-standing bet that if Griff was ever a hero on the same day Bundy helped terrorists arm nukes, Bundy had to become Griff's slave-for-life.

Jack has Patsy call Zef and tell him she'll give up Whistler's location to him, but only in person so she knows Jack Jr is safe. At the Grandma (or Grand Mal) Hotel, Jack Jr is listening in as Zef talks to Patsy about whacking him off. Jack Jr is slightly perturbed by this and tries to escape, but Zef whips out a gun on him and tells him he'll do anything to preserve the family legacy... even if it means killing every possible heir to that legacy.


3:25:46 to 3:32:16

In the Batcave, Caged Weasel hands over President Belushi's itinerary to Rodent Boy. Rodent Boy is pleased, "Great, now all we need is for you to use your security code to get the assassin into the Batcave so he can whack off the president." Caged Weasel hesitates, "Won't using my security codes implicate, um, ME?" Rodent Boy shrugs it off, "Don't worry. We'll blame Richard Jewell."

Meanwhile, Whistler ... oh, who cares it's just a filler scene.

Back in La-La Land, Al Bundy has stepped out to the Kwik-E-Mart to pick up a Red Bull, a pint of Old MacCutcheon 60, and some Altoids. I swear I saw McGuyver make a potent explosive out of those same ingredients, once. Outside the Kwik-E-Mart, Bundy suddenly remembers the episode of the Simpsons Kiefer Sutherland was in and vomits. Just then, RPF calls him and tells him, "the tac team is about to whack off Whistler, and we need you at your station."

In the hotel parking lot, Jack hands Patsy Ramsey a bulletproof best. "Here, put this on." Fondly, she remembers Jack used those exact same words the night Jack Jr was conceived. Then, they head up to the hotel room accompanied by a man in handcuffs ... once again, just like the night Jack Jr was conceived.


3:36:44 to 3:46:57

At CTU, Al Bundy goes into the Infirmary to check on Griff. In the Batcave, Caged Weasel tries to warn security about the plot to assassinate the president, but Rodent Boy listens in and then whacks him with a flashlight, but does not off him.

CTU prepares to launch the operation against Whistler's safehouse. RPF smells alcohol on Al's breath, and can't seem to understand why a guy who was tortured with a power drill and forced to program a nuke for terrorists less than two hours ago might want to take a drink. She tells him to call his sponsor. "Verizon, Nissan, or '23' starring Jim Carrey?" (Heh.) The CTU tac team moves in on the safe house Patsy Ramsey identified, but of course it turns out to be empty.

Zef's hotel room also turns out to be empty when Jack and Patsy get inside. They get a call from Zef and see that Zef and Jack Jr are across the street standing on the roof, with Zef pointing a gun at Jack Jr's head. Jack offers to surrender himself in return for Jack Jr being let go. Zef agrees. Jack then punches out the terrorist thug. "You know, Zef has already paid for the room..." Patsy points out.


3:51:24 to 3:59:59

RPF tells Griff that Al took a drink, but he did not metabolize the alcohol, Clinton wishes he had thought of that one.

Back at the roof of the Grand Mal Hotel, Jack prepares to surrender himself in exchange for Jack Jr. He lifts his shirt to show he's not armed. Zef makes him turn around and show some ankle, then jiggle a little bit. Satisfied, he orders Jack to move forward while Jack Jr moves away. Zef gives Jack a spiel about "I'm a patriot," and "you abandoned me." yadda-yadda-yadda. Then, he orders Jack to get on his knees and prepare to be whacked. Jack seems almost relieved that he's about to die, gives some lame speech about how he never meant to let his father down, he was only trying to live up to his expectations. Jack faintly hears someone whisper, "Beam me up." When, he turns around, Zef is gone, leaving only a a cell phone. A number on the cell-phone reaches Ex-President Weasel from last season. He's looking a little grungy, and he's talking like a stoner explaining Pink Floyd's The Wall, but he claims he can help Jack get to Whistler, for some unspecified personal benefit.

Tick-Tock.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 2:00 pm and 3:00 pm

2:00:00 to 2:16:02

Another hour, another helicopter. This time, it's Sameer Nagonaworkhere landing in the scenic Los Angeles River. Sameer calls Whistler (a.k.a. Miss Gradenko [since the Police are getting back together]) who is disappointed that there are only three nukes left. Whistler is a Russian ultra-nationalist, we learn from CTU, and he's kind of a sore loser about the Cold War, much like Vladimir Putin. Al Bundy returns to CTU and RPF sadly watches him walk in. Then Jack follows, and finally is reunited with his sweet, sweet potato face. After an all-too-brief reunion, Jack goes to talk to his dad about the nukes, as Zefram urgently erases all data from his phone and PDA. Zefram urges Jack not to talk to Patsy or Jack Jr about Rocket Romano. "Jack Jr is taking his father's death pretty hard." Zefram says putting air quotes around "father." RPF visits Al Bundy, but he's all full of emo angst about helping Sameer arm the bomb.

Then, Zefram sneaks out and calls a man I'll call Lurch, and tells him to they'll need to whack Jack. Chiggy then drops the bomb that Jack killed his brother with an overdose of Carville bile. Jack considers this. "Chiggy, in a way this is your fault. I mean, did you think it was a smart idea to put a guy fresh out of Chinese prison in charge of a stressful terrorist investigation?" Chiggy offers to cover for Jack, but Jack says, "No, do this right." Chiggy sighs. "Well, if I must..."


02:20:26 to 2:27:16

Julian Bashir and President Belushi have compromised, and Bashir will Host Saturday Night Live instead of Oprah, and they are working on Bashir's opening monologue... Bashir wants to do a little ditty called "Nuke in a Box." Then they get a call from Jim Jones. Jim Jones is not down with the plan to put Bashir on SNL. Bashir then warns Belushi that if he crosses powerful people, "they will come after you." "Who will come after me?" Belushi asks. "The Langoliers," Bashir warns.

Caged Weasel meets with Rodent Boy in a disused storage room last used for "private stenography sessions" during the Clinton Admin. Caged Weasel wants to know what the plan is. "We're going to get some idiot bloggers to put together evidence that Valencia was destroyed by 'controlled demolition,' and blame the president." He is sure this will bring down the government. To do this, he needs the President Belushi's precise itinerary, particularly with regard to Bashir's upcoming SNL appearance.


02:31:42 to 2:38:42


Jack confronts Patsy Ramsay and offers her an apology, but she says it's not necessary. "Actually, you did me a favor. I often thought of offing him myself." She reveals that all was not well in their house. Rocket Romano was distant, and Jack Jr recently got in trouble at school when a potato-faced girl was caught txting him answers on a Physics exam. Patsy tells Jack, "Once I followed him at night, and he went into a house I heard him talking to some men with Russian accents. Then, I realized he was just watching Rocky and Bullwinkle with Arianna Huffington." "Could you find the house again?" Jack asks her. She thinks so. Jack goes to arrange a car and a tactical team.

While Jack is gone, Patsy asks Zefram, "While we look for the house, do you mind watching Jack Junior?" Zefram is down, "Sure I'd be glad to take him hostage... I mean, back to my place." Chiggy wants Jack to take Kemper along. Zefram calls his pal Lurch and tells him to find and secure a house in West LA. He then returns to Jack Jr, tells him he's taking him home, and asks if he likes movies with Gladiators in them.


02:43:05 to 02:49:16

RPF tells Al Bundy that she needs his help running tactical. "Griff can't run this on his own," she insists. Al Bundy refuses, so she slaps him. He whines at her, "If you're going to save a bloke, save someone who's worth it." She tries to slap him again, but he grabs her. "You know, I just took a power drill to the shoulder. You think a little girly slap is going to have any effect on me." RPF is unimpressed, "Hell of a time to grow a pair, nuke-enabler-boy."

In the car, Patsy's phone rings and it's Zefram, and he wants to be called 'Susan,' (thus explaining why we never see Jack's mom). Zefram tells her, "Do what I say, or I'll hurt JJ. Also, it was me that killed Rocket Romano... and Jon-Benet." He orders her to take Jack to 999 Fake Street. Zefram gets back in his own car, where JJ is waiting, saying, "Well, we can't get back to your place, so, let's go to a Turkish bath house." Jack Jr protests that he doesn't have time for a Turkish bath house.


02: 53: 42 to 02: 59: 59

Al Bundy returns to CTU to help RPF set up the tactical assault on 999 Fake Street, even though she thinks the address sounds suspicious. Patsy tries to warn Jack, but he doesn't have time to listen to her. Jack and the team pull around the side of the house and execute Ye Olde No Knock Warrant. To no one's surprise there is a massive bomb in the house. Jack dives through a window just as it detonates, and Kemper grabs Patsy and pulls off in the tactical van like Lindsey Lohan on a mild bender pursued by Zefram's goons. Kemper sets the van to blow up while he and Patsy run for it. Jack crawls from the wreckage of the house and sees the burning truck.

Tick Tock

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 1:00 pm and 2:00 pm

1:00:00 to 1:11:57

We open with Jack in a helicopter, Chiggy getting the news from Awana Fuqya that Rocket Romano Bauer is dead, and Russet Potato Face (RPF) so upset over Al Bundy's kidnapping she can't make her computer work no matter how hard she scowls at it. She is soon relieved by Kemper. Tom Willis spots Jack's helicopter from his speeding Buick, so his skanky bimbo friend, Courtney Love, starts driving like Brandy on a mild bender. They lose Jack using the old "going under an overpass and switching cars" gag. Jack lands the helicopter and shows up at the abandoned Buick a few seconds too late. Jack has to catch a lift in a gigantic black armored SUV bearing the vanity plates "Pelosi 1" to chase them down. When Tom and Courtney stop to check directions, she whacks him with a shotgun and takes over his career, planning to take Al Bundy to the terrorist Sameer Nagonaworkhere and keep the seven mills for herself.


1:16:27 to 11:25:22

President Jim Belushi Palmer is having a heart-to-heart with Caged Weasel, just as Julian Bashir's SR-71 lands at Andrews AFB, meaning he will be at the top secret Batcave in about five minutes. Caged Weasel then leaves and throws a hissy fit the likes of which have not been seen since Commander in Chief was canceled. He's so mad at Belushi for not rounding up all the A-rabs he's going to resign. His assistant, Rodent Boy, immediately calls a man we'll call Silky Pony, who initiates the bi-annual "scheming against the president" sub-plot.

Chiggy greets Patsy Ramsay Bauer and Jack Jr at CTU. Jack Jr looks around appreciatively and wonders if he could get a job there. After all, Kim did, and she couldn't even download from limewire without his help. Chiggy gently breaks the news to Patsy. "Everyone who's husband wasn't tortured to death today take one step forward. Not so fast, Patsy."

Meanwhile, Courtney Love delivers Al Bundy to Sameer and his goons. Courtney wants her money, but Sameer makes her wait. Sameer orders Al to make a device to reprogram the bombs. When Al refuses, Sameer threatens to marry him off to a red-head and her two obnoxious children.


01:29:45 to 01:38:54

Kemper is working the phone trace, but he sucks at it and RPF has to bail him out. By reversing the polarity of the warp field, she deduces the location of the phone that Tom Willis made his last call to. The location is relayed to Jack, who deploys yet another tactical team. Considering how CTU burns through Tac Teams, they must have like 200 of them or something. Tactical Teams are the paper towels of CTU.

Julian Bashir is brought into the super-duper top secret Batcave under heavy guard. President Jim Belushi warns Bashir, "I'm giving Sameer one more chance, but if even one more nuke goes off, then, I'm going to the Security Council and asking for a resolution, unless the French veto it." He wants Bashir to renounce terrorism on TV, but Bashir refuses, "Unless I can be on Oprah." Oprah has massive respect in the Arab world. Belushi suggests ten seconds on a couch with Oprah and Letterman.

Back in LA, Jack and his expendable tactical team are preparing their assault, but there are too many apartments to check out. Jack tells Chloe to trip the building's fire alarms to empty it out. Inside, the terrorists are giving Al Bundy a swirly. The fire alarm goes off, but they ignore it and Sameer goes after Al Bundy with a power drill. Courtney Love tries to run out, so, Sameer caps her. Seeing her dead and with a 5/8 Black-and-Decker bit protruding from his shoulder, Al Bundy wusses out. "OK, I'll make your stupid detonator."


1:43:02 to 1:50:52

Rodent Boy tells Caged Weasel not to resign, and hints at a dark conspiracy to take out the president and put VP Jim Jones in charge. Caged Weasel presses for details, but Rodent Boy then denies he knows anything about a plot. "I was just... um... talking about the plot of that excellent Fox Program "Prison Break." Mondays at 8 eastern, 7 central."

Meanwhile, infrared shows that three apartments in the building RPF traced the call to are still occupied. Chloe immediately pulls phone and lease records and eliminates two possibilities. Then she gets a subpeona from the ACLU for domestic spying. Jack and his tactical team move in on the apartment just as Al Bundy finishes the device. Sameer takes out a nuke, and orders Bundy to arm it, which Bundy does. Then, Sameer orders his goons to kill him, and Jack again shows up a few seconds too late to thwart the terrorists. But, there is an exciting shootout just as Sameer escapes. Bundy is hurt but alive. "Mr. Bauer, you need to see this," says one of the Tac Team dudes. Sameer has left behind a dead bimbo and an armed nuke, which, in violation of all the laws of TV and film, does not have a large red LED display counting down the seconds to detonation.


01: 55:14 to 1:59:59

Jack has three minutes to disarm the bomb (which means Sameer was counting on Jack disarming it since he didn't even leave himself enough time to get out of the blast radius). RPF talks Jack through disarming the bomb, which he finishes with like 00:00:000000000001 seconds left on the clock. Everyone is relieved except Al Bundy, who is distraught that he actually gave Sameer a working bomb, but to cut him some slack, it was that or eat Peg's cooking.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 12:00 pm and 1:00 pm

12:00:00 to 12:10:12

This episode opens with a reporter standing at the edge of Valencia, talking about how they think over 800,000,000 people are already dead, and survivors have gathered in the civic center and the Superdome, where they are believed to be resorting to cannibalism.

Back in the Batcave, Caged Weasel is trying to get President Chappelle to sign off on an executive order to impose Martian Law!! Chapelle asks for his cabinet to convene in thirty minutes, and wants clarification on whether under Martian Law, doctors and other wizards will be forbidden. (By the way, cell phones seem to work perfectly well in the Batcave.)

Chiggy and Russet Potato Face (RPF) are worried that Jack is out of contact. "It's his network," Chiggy explains. "He switched from Verizon to Cingular because Steve Jobs incorporated a Death Ray into the iPhone, but unfortunately, his coverage sucks."

Meanwhile, Jack and his Dad, Zephram Cochrane, are in a van with a couple of thugs who don't know that they're about to die. One of the thugs whom I shall call Marcellus (because he looks like a b*tch) tells Rocket Romano (via cell phone, the Verizon network is incredibly resilient to nuclear blasts) that he'll soon kill Jack, and Rocket Romano promises to return the suitcase that has his soul in it.

The van arrives at an old abandoned quarry and Marcellus orders them to get out. He indicates a freshly dug grave and orders them on their knees. "I don't swing that way," Jack says, and some violence ensues, and Zephram Cochrane offs Marcellus and the other thug. "Oh, Snap! Dad, I barely got to torture them," Jack pouts.

Meanwhile, Tom Willis and the Suspicious Bimbo are in a motel room. Tom Willis has found a man who can program the nuke, but he won't work willingly. "He'll need to be coerced," he tells Imhotep.

12:15:35 to 12:23:29

Chiggy and Token Chick have intercepted Tom Willis and Imhotep's call. There was also an image in the stream, which Al Bundy is working on recovering. Back at Casa Bauer, Jack and the assault team, prepare to move in. Jack tells his dad, "This warp drive invention of yours is amazing. We actually made it to my brother's house before we left the quarry." Inside the house, Rocket Romano, Patsy Ramsey Bauer, and Jack "Wesson Oil" Junior are having an argument. Rocket Romano wants to have Family Home Evening, but Patsy Ramsey points out that it's noon... and they're not Mormons. Just then, the door explodes, and a heavily armed SWAT Team moves in.

While Rocket Romano is pinned to the floor, Jack and Patsy Ramsey go into the kitchen for a quickie nooner. Then Jack offers to protect Jack Junior, and Patsy Ramsey... the only character who seems to have paid attention during the last six seasons... freaks out. "No," she cries. "I want him to live!" Jack sends them to CTU and goes back into the house to torture his brother.

12:27:54 to 12:36:06

Jack brandishes a syringe in front of Rocket Romano, "This is pure bile, extracted from a gland at the back of James Carville's mouth, which he spits to blind his prey." He explains what it will feel like when it is injected, "It's like having battery acid poured on your brain while listening to Rosie O'Donnell sing 'I Touch Myself.'"

Rocket Romano confesses that he was the one who whacked David Palmer, Michelle Dressler, and Tony Almeda. But, he did it all for the good of his country... France. This makes Jack angry, and he's about to kill Rocket Romano, but his father intervenes, for reasons that shall become obvious later.

12:40:33 to 12:46:05

Al Bundy is having little success decrypting the image. He downloads the latest version of Microsoft NSA Image Decorrupter and promptly crashes the entire CTU network. This helps delay the image until the end of the hour climax.

Meanwhile, Zephram Cochrane Bundy is deserving a little homily on how their family sucks. {Maybe I should have nicknamed him Al Bundy.} Jack wishes he could be a better man. "Don't try to be a great man," his father counsels. "Just be a man and let history decide."

12:50:32 to 12:59:59

On Air Force 2, Vice President Jim Jones approves of the president's plan to impose Martian Law. President Chapelle has reconsidered the proposal, and after talking to his sister Cynthia McKinney and her boyfriend Gee Wally, he will not impose Martian law. He then delivers a suck-up line to CAIR about Muslims being "America's Little Dumplings."

Al Bundy leaves CTU to visit his brother in the hospital. Then, MS NSA ID works its stuff, and reveals the image from Tom Willis's cell phone... it's Kim Bauer in a skimpy bikini. OK, it was actually, Al Bundy. Chiggy calls Jack, they connect to Al Bundy and tell him to come back to CTU, but it's too late, Tom Willis pulls up, shoots him a few times, then cuffs him in the back of his late model Buick. Tom Willis calls Imhotep and tells him he's got the shoe salesman, I mean engineer, Imhotep was looking for.

Back at Casa Bauer, Rocket Romano tells Zephram Cochrane that he hasn't told Jack everything and he's still covering up for the family. Zephram Cochrane is so happy he injects the rest of the Carville venom into Rocket Romano's IV and covers his mouth and nose until he stops struggling. He then calls in the CTU Team and, in another sign of CAIR's influence on the 24 creative process, feigns outrage.

Tick-Tock.

Tivo Blogging: The Following Takes Place Between 11:00 am and 12:00 pm

(Fox 24 Promo) "The biggest surpise of the season is just around the corner."

Well, that's gonna make the remaining 18 episodes kind of anti-climactic.

11:00:00 to 11:11:02

"Our goal is the defeat of our enemies..." says President Chappelle to the nation. "Not so fast..." scream Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Hagel, and Barbara Boxer. Then, Gloria Allred started shrieking at Weasel Cage about detention camps or something. I kind of tune out when bleeding heart liberals start preaching civil liberties. Then Weasel Cage started babbling on about loaded muskrats or something. Later, he plotted to get Gloria Allred out of the way.

Anyway, back at CTU, the Mole .. I mean, the Token Arab Chick complains about how due to new security protocols, all the Middle Eastern types now have to mix capitals and special characters into their passwords, and it's taking her a lot longer to get stuff done. So, she whines to Chiggy about it. He tells her to buck up and slaps her on the heiney for support.

Back at Casa Bauer, Jack is still torturing Romano Bauer. Confused ER fans call out, "Yes! Yes! Make it slow, Jack. Make it long and sl-o-o-o-o-o-o-w!" Then, all too soon, Jack takes off the plastic bag, and Romano flashes back to his toilet training. "I made a mess, and dad has to clean it up," he sobs. Long story short, Romano claims the terrorists stole the nukes from him and Jack's Dad with help from Evil White British Guy (EWBG) Then, Jack and Romano leave and, in the biggest surprise of the season, Jack phones Chloe for help!!!!

11:15:25 to 11:26:48

On the road, Romano whines that Jack is selling out the family, when all they did was sell suitcase nukes to terrorists. EWBG is also in a car with his bimbo while he works his way through the Los Alamos Phonelist. "Aaron Abramson? Hi, you don't know me, but can you program a nuke like the one that went off over Valencia. No? Sorry to bother you .... Hello, is this Mike Ackerman? Hi, you don''t know me..." Imhotep is losing patience with him.

Kemper is perturbed that Token Arab Chick is taking too long with her analysis. He finds out from Chiggy about the extra-strength protocols put in place by Weasel Cage. Kemper protests. "But Token's lived in this country since she was two. She's a Republican." So, now we know she's evil.

At Camp Gitmo, the detainees are still at recess. Gee Wally finds out one of the detainees smuggled in a cell phone. Gee Wally asks how, when told, he no longer wants to touch it, but the FBI insists that he get it.

Meanwhile, Caged Weasel confronts Gloria Allred with a list of people who will testify that Chiggy had Imhotep in his custody and let him get away, and then Gloria Allred covered it up. Allred tells him, "I've got dirt on you too. I know about your obsesion with Janet' Reno's waddle." Caged Weasel gives her a choice, stay on, and he'll leak to the New York Times, resign, and all records of the event will be smuggled away in Sandy Berger's underpants, never to be seen again.


11:31:13 to 11:36:24

Al Bundy rags on Token Republican Chick for being slow, Kemper covers for her, and then Al Bundy meaningfully says, (da-dit da-dit da-dit message coming through). "We're both on the same side." Then Kemper logs her in under his password, which is illegal and will probably come back to haunt him if previous seasons are any guide.

Gloria Allred busts into President Chapelle's office, tenders her resignation and gives him a nice little pep talk. President Chapelle offers to send her to CTU in LA, and he agrees to arrange transport by "Air Sununu" (How obscure is that.)


11:40:52 to 11:47:05

Gee Wally challenges the cell phone detainee to a Tango contest and discreetly grabs the phone during a dip. The FBI guys have him call Chloe with it, and she says, "who am I the gawdam Time-Life operator?" Cynthia McKinney Chapelle wants Gee Wally to pull out. "I bet he's heard that before," says the FBI agent, wiggling his eyebrows. Examining the phone records, Chloe finds out the detainees haven't been in contact with terrorists, they got their information from an entry on DailyKos titled "Valencia? Screw 'Em." In the biggest surprise of the season, the detained Muslims turn out not to be terrorists! So, the FBI agrees to pull Gee Wally out. Naturally, this is when the other detainees find out Gee Wally took the phone, and they chuckle because it was all a misunderstanding and sit down to some pancakes.

Just kidding, they actually beat him like Jackson Brown on a first date.

11:51:31 to 11:59:59

Jack busts into his dad's secure offices using just a credit card and the unstoppable power of his man-boobs. Jack opens up EWBG's conveniently un-password protected computer and finds out that EWBG began deleting files ten minutes after the bomb went off. Then, in the biggest surprise of the season, Jack doesn't call Chloe so she can instantly download the hard drive, reconstruct the data, and find the one clue that will advance the plot. Instead, Jack goes into a back room and gets into a fight with the only guy in LA he can't take down in a single punch.

As the baddie is about to ventilate Jack's forehead, Zephram Cochrane Bauer shows up. "Hi Jack, how was China?" Zephram Cochrane and Romano beg Jack to leave CTU out of it, so they don't have to go to prison or shell out millions for a presidential pardon. When Zephram Cochrane agrees to do it Jack's way, Romano double crosses them, and sics his goons. ("Oh, Snap!" Jack may be heard to say.) This comes as absolutely no surprise. The goons lead Jack and Sephrame Cochrane out to a waiting van to drive them out for execution. Someone's due for a neck-bitin'.

Tick-tock.