Carnival of Bauer

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.
by John F. Kerry

President George W. Bush talks a lot. Unfortunately for the American people, all he does is talk. What the Counter-Terrorist Unit needs is a man of action. I am that man. My name is John Kerry, and I am reporting for duty.

My qualifications are much more impressive than those of Mr. Bush. I am not aware if you know this, but I served in Vietnam. During my tour, I received more Purple Hearts before 8am than most soldiers received all day. Hillary Clinton agrees - I am the greatest hero in American history. And I am up to the challenge of defending this country against terrorism with a caring approach - unlike that Cro-Magnon Jack Bauer.

Unlike Jack Bauer and his lackey George Bush, torture and civil rights violations will not be an option in my arsenal. Instead, I will use the United Nations as a tool for negotiation. Terrorists are no different from you and I, and they respond well to frank discussion. There is no place in CTU for Gestapo tactics. In my CTU, terrorist attacks will cease.

If I were at CTU, Victor Drazen would have never made that attempt on then-Senator Palmer's life. In my CTU, Drazen and his family would have received a full pardon for his terrorist actions, and his family would be given safe passage to Syria - far away from the United States. And, unlike Jack Bauer's clan, my family would never been kidnapped. I mean, have you seen my family? Ugh.

If I were at CTU, rogue factions would not have smuggled and detonated a nuclear device inside our borders. In my CTU, these factions would meet with my head of personal understanding, Madeleine Albright, to discuss their worries and concerns. By opening a dialogue, we can solve their problems. And if that fails, we will detonate the device in a red state.

If I were at CTU, former President David Palmer would still be alive. It is only because of his Nazi-esque, right-wing policies that forces within our own country marked him for death. In my CTU, I will openly welcome every citizen with a differing opinion . . . . except the Republicans.

Frankly, my policies would have prevented every major disaster that Jack Bauer has dealt with in the last decade. When you look at the facts, it is clear that I (and not George W. Bush) am the best person for the job. I stand ready for your reply.

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent
by President Bush

Jack Bauer Meets Homer Simpson

Kiefer Sutherland to Lend Voice to Formerly Clever, Now Preachy and Tedious, 'Gawd-Is-That-Show-Still-Around' Animated Sitcom.

Sutherland plays a hard-nosed colonel in an episode that sees Homer Simpson accidentally joining the US army.

Oh, gee, that doesn't sound at all like recycling the plot where Homer joined the Navy. So, what banal, progressive point will the writers try to make with this episode? Will Jack's character torture Apu? Will his character be gay? Will he make snarky remarks about WMD's and oil? Or, will he be a noble evolutionist who imports prescription drugs from Canada while opposing corporate ownership of the media? Do I Care?

Oh, well, at least his 'Family Guy' voiceover remains a classic.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent
by President Bush

Heh Heh. Over the past few seasons Jack Bauer has done a heckuva job. But starting next season, Agent Bauer doesn't have to worry about pesky moles anymore. That's because a true patriot is expected to join CTU. A man of impeccable credentials and unflaking faith, me! Jack Bauer and I have made the decision to defeat the terrorists in LA so we don't have to face them here at home.

John McCain thought he was cool because his little role last season - like he was up for an Oscar or something. I kept reminding him they gave a NASCAR driver speaking lines and a bigger role! Johnnie's time on screen could have been better spent than just a hand-off of a plain CTU folder. I thought his 6 years as a POW would get him to make the most out of his modest screen time, giving a Hawaiian Good Luck Sign or blinking "Kim Bauer is hot" in Morse Code.

As Agent "Eddie Burke", my statergry will involve taking out many terrorists with no compassion in a 24 hour period. I hope they give me shot at taking down a sitting president who lied to the American public in order to get us in a war in Central Asia over oil.

This is historic times and Bauer and Bush are historic people who are going to put an end to this terror shit. Just don't tell Laura.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.
by John F. Kerry

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Bauer, You're Out!by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Monday, July 17, 2006

President Palmer Is Not Dead!
A Blogs4Bauer Conspiracy Theory

The crack staff at B4B has uncovered a conspiracy of epic proportions: President David Palmer is not dead!

Immediately after the alleged assassination, Palmer's body was flown to Cleveland, Ohio for medical treatment. The President was wearing a ballistic vest, but due to the rifle rounds used by the conspirators (including President Charles Logan), Palmer suffered a severe gunshot wound to the upper chest. Palmer was admitted into the ICU of the undisclosed hospital, and was given a new identity - that of Pedro Cerrano, a professional baseball player from Cuba.

Palmer adopted his new identity with vigor during his recuperation, and even learned the black arts of voodoo. His new idol, Jobu, by his side at all times, Pedro Cerrano made a complete recovery. With many of the members of the conspiracy still at large, Cerrano signed a one-year contract with the hapless Cleveland Indians under his assumed name. Ever the athlete, Palmer, er, Cerrano, won the starting position in left field, and was on his way to becoming a defensive all-star.

His hitting, however, was another story.

Convinced that the gods would not let him hit a curve ball, Cerrano hovered around the Mendoza line for much of the year. Even Jesus Christ Himself could not help him hit the breaking ball. At the all-star break, Cerrano has hit an incredible 20 home runs, while earning a despicable .215 batting average! Amazing.

If Cerrano can worry more about his hitting and less about the possible sniper rifle in the stands, the Indians may make the playoffs after all.

Friday, July 14, 2006

I Wonder What Kim Bauer Is Doing Right Now?

And the answer to that question is not, "RFTR."

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Will Jack Kill Tom?

Will Jack Kill Tom?

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Caption The Leatherneck

Just in case you thought everyone at B4B had been taking the summer off.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

It's Just One Of Those Days

How did you spend your Independence Day? I spent it knocking out a North Korean Taepodong 2 missile over the Sea of Japan.

My name is Jack Bauer, and Tuesday was the longest day of my life.

It all began at 0500 in the cargo hold of a C-130 transport plane. After five hours without food, my survival training kicked in. I subsisted on silverfish and window condensation. After a midair refueling, I cut my way through the fuselage and dove 25,000 feet into the sea. Swimming to the shores of the Korean peninsula was trying, but it was an objective of my overall mission. It was almost a shame about the lifeguard on the beach, but what the hell; why leave a living witness? I buried myself into a dune and waited - with my Stinger missiles - for the approaching launch.

The sand chiggers were just as annoying as I remembered, but the crabs were not. That lifeguard didn't have any refreshments in his chair, so I have been drinking my own sweat. No pain, no gain. The launch was only moments away, so I fired up the Stingers. It's go time. Chloe recited the countdown and I sharpened my aim. 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . the bird is in the air.

Chloe tracked the outbound target and updated the coordinates. The great thing about Stingers is that, like a Polaroid, they are just point and shoot. I could have done this while bedding Audrey Raines, but I didn't want to finish my mission on an upset stomach. The first Stinger was away less than thirty seconds into the missile's track. Five seconds later: scratch one Taepodong. I don't know what was more satisfying; that I took out a missile in one attempt, or the obvious look on Kim Jong's face. Heh.

Oh, and just for fun, one the way home, I assassinated Kenneth Lay in time for Corn Flakes. The official cause of death is listed as a heart attack. Damn, I'm good.