Carnival of Bauer

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Counterpoint: Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!
- by Peter Gammons

What can I say about Jimmy's Seaside Co-Ed Softball team? Sure, they are located in Queens - which by my recollection is about 100 miles from any "seaside," but they were good enough to win the 2006 championship. 34-0 is nothing to sneeze at. But Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez is must have suffered an aneurysm if he thinks they could have done it without Jack "The Bat" Bauer.

His stats are exceptional: .865 batting average, 39 Homeruns, and 123 Runs driven in. His leadership skills are beyond reproach. He is truly the MVP. Sure, Jack has fractured an occasional rule now and then - the piano cord incident in game three comes to mind - but it is nothing that should warrant his dismissal. Hell, Barry Bonds gives MLB "the bird" on a daily basis - everyone knows he's juicing - and yet he still plays on.

Look Jimmy, Jack Bauer carried the jocks of you and your teammates through 34 games. The least he should expect is some common courtesy. In a perfect world, your teammates would torture a runner or two to eek out a win.

Point: Bauer, You're Out!
by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez

Point: Bauer, You're Out!

Point: Bauer, You're Out!
by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez

On behalf of the 2006 Jimmy's Seaside Coed Softball team, we would like to thank Jack Bauer for a solid year. We won the Orange County League Championship, however the methods used by certain members of our squad cannot be tolerated. The team voted and Jack Bauer will not be a part of the Jimmy's Seaside team for the 2007 season.

We really appreciate Jack Bauer coming out and playing third base for us. His .865 batting average, 39 Homeruns, and 123 Runs driven in were tops in the league. We finished the season with 34 wins and zero losses. Teams like The Hamslammers, Bob's Discount Tires, Beer-runs, and The Smokin' Gunz had no shot against us this year.

But winning is not everything. The league warned us 453 times about complaints other teams had about Jack Bauer's play at third. While I did not see it, one team claims Bauer warned a Jenny "Hot Stuff" Martinez on The Goners that if she scored "her children would grow up without a mommy". She refused to leave third base. Now I sided with Bauer in that case, but I was watching when Jack fielded a ground ball and then threw the ball at the head of a runner heading home, while the runner did not score and we won the game, the runner spent the rest of the season making spit bubbles in his hospital room.

Then there are the problems with Jack Bauer and his bat. There was more than one case of Jack Bauer holding on to his bat after he hit the ball. Now, I wasn't looking but I hear that one team had to find a new second baseman after Jack broke up a double play using a bat.

We can put up with the constant complaints from the other teams. However, Jack Bauer's treatment of some of our own teammates was the literal "straw that broke the camel's back". Just to set the record straight, Mason "Fat Boy" Jackson was never a mole. Bauer accused him of giving away signs to the other team and even tried to make Jackson swallow a softball unless he confessed.

Jackson, myself, the rest of the team, every team in the league, the league president, and the police all think it would be best if Jack Bauer were not allowed to play for Jimmy's Seaside or any team in the Orange County Coed Softball League ever again.

Counterpoint: Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!
- by Peter Gammons

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Jack Bauer Hates Soccer

Top 10 Reasons Jack Bauer Hates Soccer
10. 0-0 ties.
9. Hooking up an opponent's nipples to a car battery might get him a red card.
8. All the damn foreigners.
7. Hacksaws are not allowed.
6. Edgar Stiles in soccer shorts.
5. FIFA looks down on torturing referees.
4. It's boring.
3. Team USA takes 43 shots to score a goal. Jack Bauer takes 4 shots to shoot down a helicopter.
2. Bauer's post-goal celebration of shoving a towel down the throat of the goalie and pissing on his forehead earned 156 yellow cards.
1. Audrey Raines likes soccer.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Top Ten Things Jack Bauer Will Need In China

10. A Chinese-to-English Dictionary. It would be embarrassing to mispronounce "nipple electrocution" in Mandarin.
9. A Rickshaw. Ford doesn't export east of The Great Wall.
8. Gloves. Those Chinese finger-traps could be the death of him.
7. Olive Drab Clothing. Jack's gotta blend in with the proletariat.
6. A Condom. (Sorry, that's something he would need in Chyna.)
5. Directions to Chairman Mao's Tomb. So Jack can beyotch-slap his corpse.
4. Chopsticks. It's easier to kill a man with chopsticks than with a swizzle stick.
3. Colt .45. The beer, not the gun. Who wants to get drunk with rice wine?
2. An African-Chinese Partner. Bacardi and Cola is back!

And the number one thing Jack Bauer will need in China is . . .

1. A Picture of Audrey Raines. Incentive to never come home . . . ever!

Friday, June 16, 2006

Jack Bauer ♥'s NYC

Jack Bauer heart's NYC
New York City officials are in talks with producers at Fox, trying to have a couple of episodes of Season 6 filmed in New York City. With Jack on a ship to China and Tony being dead, there's only one plot line that 24 can bring to The Big Apple:
Kim Bauer goes to Central Park and is stalked by a cougar.

What other plots can arise from Gotham? Post your suggestions in the comments section.

(Source - NY Post)

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Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!
The next carnival will be held at Blogs4Bauer on Monday (6/26).

Friday, June 09, 2006

Jack Bauer Killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

Centcom Representative: Al Qaeda's top terrorist in Iraq, Abu Musab al Zarqawi, was tortured and killed in an airstrike yesterday.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Excuse me, what do you mean "tortured" and killed? I thought this was an airstrike? Was Jack Bauer involved in any way?

Centcom Representative: (Sigh) Helen, you know full well that Jack Bauer is dead.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: I do not know that. I was never given exclusive rights to see his corpse. And look at me, I know a corpse when I see one.

Centcom Representative: Helen, Mr. Bauer's corpse is not a matter of public record. The airstrike was successful, and Iraq's top terrorist leader is taking a dirt nap.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Fine. Can you tell me the details involving this "airstrike?"

Centcom Representative: American fighters dropped two 500-pound bombs onto Zarqawi's "safe house," killing him and many of his staff instantly.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Excuse me! We have heard reports that Zarqawi did not die instantly! Explain.

Centcom Representative: I did not hear these reports. What I can tell you is that after the strike a "sweeper team" searched the rubble and tor, er, found the men dead.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Did you start to say "torture?"

Centcom Representative: Um, no. I, uh . . .

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Spit it out.

Centcom Representative: All right! All right! Zarqawi was not immediately killed, so the "sweeper team" consisting of Jack Bauer (and only Jack Bauer) went in, hooked the targets nipples to a car battery and started the fireworks. Happy?

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Absolutely. (Smirks.)

Centcom Representative: (Whispering) Bitch.

Next Question Please Caption Contest

Next Question Please Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Jack is Back!

Jack's Back
For you Jack-o-philes out there, you can watch the entire Season 5 - 2 hours at a time on Fridays starting June 16th. That includes breakfast as Frank Flynn, traitor, savior, and then Chinese punching bag. To complete the experience, you can also read our live and tivo blogging of the episodes in case you missed anything.

Also, Big Trouble in Little China returns in January of 2007! Tony's dead and will not return, Kim Bauer's still on hold.

If you would like to join B4B as a contributor, send Jack Bauer an email.

(Hat Tip - Grandma)

Friday, June 02, 2006

Frank Flynn Caption Contest

Frank Flynn Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer