Carnival of Bauer

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Point: Bauer, You're Out!

Point: Bauer, You're Out!
by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez

On behalf of the 2006 Jimmy's Seaside Coed Softball team, we would like to thank Jack Bauer for a solid year. We won the Orange County League Championship, however the methods used by certain members of our squad cannot be tolerated. The team voted and Jack Bauer will not be a part of the Jimmy's Seaside team for the 2007 season.

We really appreciate Jack Bauer coming out and playing third base for us. His .865 batting average, 39 Homeruns, and 123 Runs driven in were tops in the league. We finished the season with 34 wins and zero losses. Teams like The Hamslammers, Bob's Discount Tires, Beer-runs, and The Smokin' Gunz had no shot against us this year.

But winning is not everything. The league warned us 453 times about complaints other teams had about Jack Bauer's play at third. While I did not see it, one team claims Bauer warned a Jenny "Hot Stuff" Martinez on The Goners that if she scored "her children would grow up without a mommy". She refused to leave third base. Now I sided with Bauer in that case, but I was watching when Jack fielded a ground ball and then threw the ball at the head of a runner heading home, while the runner did not score and we won the game, the runner spent the rest of the season making spit bubbles in his hospital room.

Then there are the problems with Jack Bauer and his bat. There was more than one case of Jack Bauer holding on to his bat after he hit the ball. Now, I wasn't looking but I hear that one team had to find a new second baseman after Jack broke up a double play using a bat.

We can put up with the constant complaints from the other teams. However, Jack Bauer's treatment of some of our own teammates was the literal "straw that broke the camel's back". Just to set the record straight, Mason "Fat Boy" Jackson was never a mole. Bauer accused him of giving away signs to the other team and even tried to make Jackson swallow a softball unless he confessed.

Jackson, myself, the rest of the team, every team in the league, the league president, and the police all think it would be best if Jack Bauer were not allowed to play for Jimmy's Seaside or any team in the Orange County Coed Softball League ever again.

Counterpoint: Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!
- by Peter Gammons

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

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