Carnival of Bauer

Blog Archive

Add to Google

24 Fanatic


Tuesday, January 30, 2007

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Why not torture him first?
by Dr. No

Don't listen to the boy, he's too young and inexperienced to know what he's talking about. I have been a supervillain for nearly half a century, and have come up against my share of government agents. You think Jack Bauer is tough, try James Bond. At least Bauer doesn't corrupt your female staff by sleeping with them—he is far too attracted to women with noses shaped like penises. I'll bet he even has a thing for Miss North Dakota!

I think you made a mistake sending Bauer off with two nameless goons, however. If you need ideas for better ways to kill off a pest, I am happy to help. I, after all, created one of the most famous traps for my nemesis (James Bond). After multiple tests of his stamina and creativity while traveling through a tunnel of terrors, Bond came up against a giant squid. Now, granted, this didn't work—and very few of my colleagues' plots have worked—but they're bound to eventually, right?

Also, you failed on another point: no catchy goodbye phrase. My colleague Goldfinger had one of the most memorable. Bond asked "Do you expect me to talk?" and Goldfinger responded "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die." Your mission should be to embarass him before you kill him in a unique and creative way.

I really hope you didn't just send him off for the goons to kill him—there had better be a laser or an oversized cutting or crushing device of some kind involved.

At the very least you could come after him with a slow-moving flamethrower tank that the locals think is a dragon!

Point: Why don't you just kill him now?
by Scott Evil

Giggity! Alert

Maybe it's just me, but after seeing Jack's sister-in-law, I think he should pull a Martin Brodeur. Bonus points if you get the reference.

Tivo Blogging: The Following Takes Place Between 11:00 am and 12:00 pm

(Fox 24 Promo) "The biggest surpise of the season is just around the corner."

Well, that's gonna make the remaining 18 episodes kind of anti-climactic.

11:00:00 to 11:11:02

"Our goal is the defeat of our enemies..." says President Chappelle to the nation. "Not so fast..." scream Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Hagel, and Barbara Boxer. Then, Gloria Allred started shrieking at Weasel Cage about detention camps or something. I kind of tune out when bleeding heart liberals start preaching civil liberties. Then Weasel Cage started babbling on about loaded muskrats or something. Later, he plotted to get Gloria Allred out of the way.

Anyway, back at CTU, the Mole .. I mean, the Token Arab Chick complains about how due to new security protocols, all the Middle Eastern types now have to mix capitals and special characters into their passwords, and it's taking her a lot longer to get stuff done. So, she whines to Chiggy about it. He tells her to buck up and slaps her on the heiney for support.

Back at Casa Bauer, Jack is still torturing Romano Bauer. Confused ER fans call out, "Yes! Yes! Make it slow, Jack. Make it long and sl-o-o-o-o-o-o-w!" Then, all too soon, Jack takes off the plastic bag, and Romano flashes back to his toilet training. "I made a mess, and dad has to clean it up," he sobs. Long story short, Romano claims the terrorists stole the nukes from him and Jack's Dad with help from Evil White British Guy (EWBG) Then, Jack and Romano leave and, in the biggest surprise of the season, Jack phones Chloe for help!!!!

11:15:25 to 11:26:48

On the road, Romano whines that Jack is selling out the family, when all they did was sell suitcase nukes to terrorists. EWBG is also in a car with his bimbo while he works his way through the Los Alamos Phonelist. "Aaron Abramson? Hi, you don't know me, but can you program a nuke like the one that went off over Valencia. No? Sorry to bother you .... Hello, is this Mike Ackerman? Hi, you don''t know me..." Imhotep is losing patience with him.

Kemper is perturbed that Token Arab Chick is taking too long with her analysis. He finds out from Chiggy about the extra-strength protocols put in place by Weasel Cage. Kemper protests. "But Token's lived in this country since she was two. She's a Republican." So, now we know she's evil.

At Camp Gitmo, the detainees are still at recess. Gee Wally finds out one of the detainees smuggled in a cell phone. Gee Wally asks how, when told, he no longer wants to touch it, but the FBI insists that he get it.

Meanwhile, Caged Weasel confronts Gloria Allred with a list of people who will testify that Chiggy had Imhotep in his custody and let him get away, and then Gloria Allred covered it up. Allred tells him, "I've got dirt on you too. I know about your obsesion with Janet' Reno's waddle." Caged Weasel gives her a choice, stay on, and he'll leak to the New York Times, resign, and all records of the event will be smuggled away in Sandy Berger's underpants, never to be seen again.

11:31:13 to 11:36:24

Al Bundy rags on Token Republican Chick for being slow, Kemper covers for her, and then Al Bundy meaningfully says, (da-dit da-dit da-dit message coming through). "We're both on the same side." Then Kemper logs her in under his password, which is illegal and will probably come back to haunt him if previous seasons are any guide.

Gloria Allred busts into President Chapelle's office, tenders her resignation and gives him a nice little pep talk. President Chapelle offers to send her to CTU in LA, and he agrees to arrange transport by "Air Sununu" (How obscure is that.)

11:40:52 to 11:47:05

Gee Wally challenges the cell phone detainee to a Tango contest and discreetly grabs the phone during a dip. The FBI guys have him call Chloe with it, and she says, "who am I the gawdam Time-Life operator?" Cynthia McKinney Chapelle wants Gee Wally to pull out. "I bet he's heard that before," says the FBI agent, wiggling his eyebrows. Examining the phone records, Chloe finds out the detainees haven't been in contact with terrorists, they got their information from an entry on DailyKos titled "Valencia? Screw 'Em." In the biggest surprise of the season, the detained Muslims turn out not to be terrorists! So, the FBI agrees to pull Gee Wally out. Naturally, this is when the other detainees find out Gee Wally took the phone, and they chuckle because it was all a misunderstanding and sit down to some pancakes.

Just kidding, they actually beat him like Jackson Brown on a first date.

11:51:31 to 11:59:59

Jack busts into his dad's secure offices using just a credit card and the unstoppable power of his man-boobs. Jack opens up EWBG's conveniently un-password protected computer and finds out that EWBG began deleting files ten minutes after the bomb went off. Then, in the biggest surprise of the season, Jack doesn't call Chloe so she can instantly download the hard drive, reconstruct the data, and find the one clue that will advance the plot. Instead, Jack goes into a back room and gets into a fight with the only guy in LA he can't take down in a single punch.

As the baddie is about to ventilate Jack's forehead, Zephram Cochrane Bauer shows up. "Hi Jack, how was China?" Zephram Cochrane and Romano beg Jack to leave CTU out of it, so they don't have to go to prison or shell out millions for a presidential pardon. When Zephram Cochrane agrees to do it Jack's way, Romano double crosses them, and sics his goons. ("Oh, Snap!" Jack may be heard to say.) This comes as absolutely no surprise. The goons lead Jack and Sephrame Cochrane out to a waiting van to drive them out for execution. Someone's due for a neck-bitin'.


24 Point Counterpoint

Point: Why don't you just kill him now?
by Scott Evil

Oh Graham Cracker... What the hell are you doing man? Did the bag over your head cause you to lose that many brain cells? I mean, you have Jack right where any archvillan would want him. Nina Myers and Victor Drazen are rolling in their grave. Why don't you just kill him now?

You killed his CTU backup. Good.
You disarmed him and insulted his dead wife making him want revenge. Good.
You handcuffed him and....Wait, where are you going?

Aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away! You numb-nuts!

I may have been artificially created in a lab but I wasn't artificially created in a lab yesterday. The logical thing to do is a couple of bullets to the head. The KIA in the parking lot was not registered to your company; just stash the dead bodies in the trunk. Hell just put them in the CTU SUV that your goons already took care of. You have the time. You have the bullets. The balls? Didn't think so. Why not put the gun in your mouth you no-haired ass-boy.

You could even shoot your father with Jack's gun, place it in Jack's hand and then CTU will spend countless hours calling it a "tragic murder-suicide" while you are refilling your Rogaine and hanging out with Jack's love child.

Better yet, I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out! Instead you are just going to leave Jack Bauer and daddy to a couple of goons who look like they need color diagrams to put on pants?

That'll do, jackass. That'll do.

Counterpoint: Why not torture him first?
by Dr. No

Monday, January 29, 2007

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (2/1). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (1/31).

This week, the Carnival moves to The Jack Sack.

Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!

Liveblogging - Day 6: 11:00AM - 12:00PM

Here we go, with your host, RFTR.

Previously on 24: There was no Kim Bauer. Now on 24: There probably won't be any Kim Bauer. But a fella can hope, right?

I'll be back at you in a few minutes as the next episode of 24 begins...

Viewer Discretion is Advised—that's because they know at any minute I could post a nude picture of Kim.

11:00 - "We must rise above our bigotries and stand our ground." Well, if that hick had beaten the crap out of new White Castle, then the nuke wouldn't have gone off. See? Bigotry saves lives.

11:02 - Nobody is authorizing anything—what do you want to bet he's authorized it?

11:03 - Bleeding heart liberals in a Democratic administration? Nooooooooo... Never.

11:04 - "I need Karen Hayes to go away." Yeah, if only it was that easy to get rid of whiney women. (Yes, ladies, as you've probably figured out by now, this is going to be a very sexist liveblog. Sorry about that.) (Men, here's another gift for you.)

11:05 - Jack's brother is a lousy liar. And he whines worse than Karen Hayes. Nice of Jack to leave his glasses on so he can see, though.

11:07 - "My head was into other things at the time." Like trying to kill you, Jack.

Wait, Jack's Dad went vigilante? Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Do we believe Bauer frere, though? Also, are we to assume that Jack's sister-in-law didn't hear her husband's screams from the next room? Or is she just so turned on by Jack that she can ignore his actions?

Ads - Why is Cingular re-branding to AT&T? I can't believe that I'm the only American who now thinks the word "singular" looks like it's spelled wrong.

Also, aakash, you shouldn't comment if you can't keep track of simple concepts in this show. It's very complex—we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

11:16 - Rocket seems remarkably calm for just having been tortured by his brother. This makes me intensely curious to know what their childhood was like.

11:17 - "My father's company hired him." I love the big sighs that Jack lets out right before he has to explain something.

11:18 - "Boy Jack, it's good to see your loyalty is still with your family." This from the guy who 45 minutes ago said he should have had his brother killed when he had the chance.

11:19 - Do we really need another whiney blonde chick on this show? And if we do, can't we just bring Kim back? Oooooh and she's a gold-digger. In LA. There's a shock. Time to DTB.

11:21 - Milo needs a shave. Of course, maybe that would expose a mole? (Har har har.) Also, he shouldn't use the phrase "with all due respect" when he clearly means "with no respect whatsoever."

11:22 - Dude, Milo, chill out. You're starting to sound like the afore-mentioned gold-digger. What do you think? Time for another Kim break? I think so.

11:23 - Uh-oh, CAIR put a mole in Al Quaeda, and he has no idea how to pull it off.

11:24 - This guy is almost as weasley as the former President.

11:26 - Skeletons in his closet? No, Karen, those are just black leather whips and a midget with a ball gag. Sorry, I know that's a disturbing image to leave you with on a commercial break. Here, this should help:
Ads - Doesn't John Goodman weigh like 800 pounds? Is he really the best spokesman for coffee and sausage/egg croissants?

The plasma TV that they just advertised for the 24 challenge said underneath it "may not depict actual prize."

11:31 - Milo totally wants the fake-arab chick. How long until he sexually harasses her?

11:32 - Logging her in under his user ID? The only Arab in the building, and he's giving her greater access? This is going to end poorly.

11:34 - The President is getting his interracial groove on. She's "honored to serve under" him. She said so herself. And she's making him "rise to this challenge." Man, this show could EASILY jump the shark into a porno.

Let's hope the lovely lady at the right shows up first.

11:36 - If I'm ever working in the White House during a national crisis (don't worry, I'm pretty sure that this post will preclude me from passing a background check) I'm going to body check the first guy to pull out a cell phone. He's clearly the mole.

Ads - That chick made the tax guy disappear. Bauer would have picked up his computer monitor and broken it over his head.

House? The female doctor said "if he moves, I could shred his artery" like she was concerned about it. Jack would have said "if he moves, I could shred his artery," as a promise of torture possibilities.

11:41 - They're checking license plates one-by-one to see if they're registered to this "McCarthy"? Couldn't they just look up McCarthy's records and see what IS registered to him?

11:42 - CAIR is staffed by pickpockets, apparently. And how is he going to give it back, exactly?

11:43 - Cynthia wants the FBI to let her CAIRing man go before he gets hurt. Apparently she wasn't listening when the FBI beat the crap out of him. And again, how is he supposed to put the phone back? He could use a distraction, like this one:

11:45 - So Cynthia was right? And now CAIR is going to get his ass kicked, trying to return it?

11:46 - Looks like the guards in this place are running a tight ship. See, everyone? This is why they hood the prisoners at Gitmo. Tough to beat the crap out of another prisoner when you can't see.

Ads - "What the future holds for 24's President Palmer, tonight at 10." What they really mean is "What the future holds for 24's President Palmer, tonight at 10:58."

11:52 - We're back. Here's another Kimmy treat:

11:54 - Jack's dad is going to walk in at the last second. This is lame. I feel like I'm Tyler D. or something for all of the excitement in this episode.

Sorry, folks, blogger totally choked while I was doing my last session of liveblogging. I said something about how Jack started sounding whiney "Daaaaaad, he should have been more careful with his nuuuuuuuukes."

And now Jack's brother is going to try to have him and the Babe farmer killed—but he forgets that Jack will always escape to torture you further. Nice.

Oh, and since we got cut off, you didn't get your last Kim surprise. It's posted at the left.

All Jacked Up

Or should that be "All Kim-ed Up"?

Guess who's liveblogging tonight's episode of 24?

In case the picture at the right did not clue you in, it'll be your favorite Kim Bauer afficionado—me, RFTR.

Even if she doesn't show up tonight (I'll be crossing my fingers that she does), you can bet that I'll be making as many references to the most excellent hottie (come on, that Arab chick from this season doesn't hold a candle to Kim—and Dessler? Puleeze...) this show has yet seen as I possibly can.

So get ready. I'll be back at 9pm Eastern for tonight's liveblogging.

I know I can't wait—can you?

(If not, you can keep yourself busy until then by visiting my full-time blog. In particular, I highly recommend my weekly "F'ed Up Fridays" feature.)

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 3

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

In the first week, Jack Bauer shook off some rust and scored a respectable 5 points, including scoring a 4-pointer with his Vampire-kill. However killing Curtis dropped the point total to 4.

In the second week, Jack Bauer remained calm while saving a man from a helicopter, reuniting with his son, and showing his brother the inside of a dry-cleaning bag. However awesome these events may have been, none earned points.

Will Jack spend this next hour continuing his Bauer family reunion or will he get back to killing terrorists? Or both?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System listed below. Post your point total in the comments section for Hour 5. The winner will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)

Kill Counter Point System:
Jack Bauer with a gun (1 point)
Jack Bauer with a knife (1 point)
Jack Bauer with explosives (1 point)

Jack Bauer with his head (4 points)
Jack Bauer with his manpurse (5 points)
Jack Bauer with his upper body (2 points)

Jack Bauer with his lower body (3 points)
Jack Bauer's
cell phone kills someone (0.5 point)
Jack Bauer kills CTU agent Jason Blaine (2 points)
Jack Bauer kills another member of CTU (-1 point)

Bonus Points:
Jack Bauer tortures someone before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool and tortures someone before killing them (+3 points)

If Jack Bauer utters a "dammit" in the process of killing someone (+1 point/each)
If Jack Bauer wears aviators while killing someone (+1 point)
If Jack Bauer sports his manpurse while killing someone (+1 point)

Jack Bauer Combo Kills:
If Jack Bauer kills more than one person in one situation, here's how the combo points add up.
2 kills-in-1 (+2 points)
3 kills-in-1 (+6 points)
4 kills-in-1 (+8 points)
...10 kills-in-1 (+20 points)
and so on.

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)

Signs That Josh Bauer is Jack Bauer's son

Top 10 signs Josh Bauer is Jack Bauer's son
10. Diagnosed as having Tourette syndrome because his first words were yelled.
9. His first girlfriend had a penis shaped nose.
8. At 13 years old, he still had not gone to the bathroom.
7. Puberty brought on a deeper voice, acne, and manboobs
6. He didn't have time for 3rd grade.
5. While in the Cub Scouts, Josh's pinewood derby car finished 1st with a record time of 0.02 seconds.
4. Made his entire kindergarten class cry when he started a chinese whisper game with a threat involving a towel.
3. For show-and-tell he brought a PDA
2. Josh lives on a diet of vegetable oil and Red Bull.
1. He could beat up Chuck Norris' kid.

...His baseball coach would always pick him to lay down a sacrifice bunt.
...Built a fort in his backyard, which was always infiltrated by moles.
...the fort had a torture chamber.
...Classmates refused to play tag with him after the piano wire and Capri-Sun incident.

Got more? Post them in the comments.

Friday, January 26, 2007

24 Caption Contest

Caption this scene. Post your captions in the comments.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Keep Your Big Nose Out Of This!
by Jack Bauer

Audrey, let's get one thing straight: you will do exactly as I say, and you will be thankful to do it. In case you missed it, I have spent the last year and a half being tortured in a friggin' Chinese prison! Then President Palmer makes a deal for my release, only to offer me up as a virgin sacrifice to that idiot Fayed. If it weren't for my Blade imitation, I would be dead!

But far be it for me to "trouble" you with a little babysitting.

Look, I love you, but if you think that means that I will not ask (read: force) you to something for me, you are dumber than you look. I read your second paragraph, and I took the time and energy to rewrite it as it should be:

"Since I started dating Jack Bauer, MY LIFE WAS SAVED by Jack Bauer. Since I started dating Jack, my father WAS RESCUED FROM THE BRINY DEEP. Since I started dating Jack, my ex-boyfriend DIED AS HE DESERVED TO. Since I started dating Jack, my younger brother was SCARED STRAIGHT BY CURTIS...who I also NEVER SLEPT WITH with while Jack was "gone" and is now dead. GOOD things happen to people that I cared about while I dated Jack Bauer."

Oh, and I forgot the clincher: Since I started dating Jack Bauer, people think I'm hot . . . despite my penis nose.

Audrey, I am coming back to you, and I am bringing Josh with me - whether you like it or not. Honey, I'm home!

by Audrey Raines

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

This episode of The Carnival is dedicated to the most dysfunctional family in American history. The Bauers are what happens if you mix the cuteness of the Olsen twins and the temper of Archie Bunker. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a nuclear blast to the village for the Bauers to reunite.

The Carnival of Bauer!!! returns next Thursday (2/1). If you would like to submit a post, remember to have them in by midnight on Wednesday.

Want to host The Carnival of Bauer!!!? Send Jack an email to sign up.

The following takes place betweenholycraphisBROTHER?
Lou from New World...uhh New Word Order calls this the best season yet for 24 (cough Season 4 cough). He does make a good point by asking "What the hell is up with Sandra Palmer?"

Terrorism and "24"
The Old School takes a look at the real world of terrorists and 24. And claims that there is a little Jack Bauer in all of us. I wish.

24 Season 6 - Episode 5 - 10 am to 11 am Synopsis
Steve from Magic Lamp provides us with a complete, sometimes funny recap of the latest episode of 24.

24 and Moral Ambiguity
Ched at Says Simpleton notes that playing with plastic bags is dangerous. He also posts a few surprises from the last episode.

Too Easy
VtheK recalls a caption contest starring Jack Bauer Jr.

Blood's thicker than mud. It's a Family Affair.
Pantry Girl is catching onto the theme of 24. Women are the root of all our problems. Women and nuclear bombs. PG also compares her family to the Bauers...which is unfair because she has never had her brother raise her love child.

NEW CONTRIBUTOR- The Bluetooth!™
Jack Sack has a new member....Bluetooth. Can Jack make Graham swallow his bluetooth?

The Touchy-Feely Response to Nuclear Attacks
Emperor Misha I has the longest recap in the history of recaps (at least for Season 6). Their recap of the first four episodes were eaten alive by Al Gore's internet.

What if Chloe had one of these?
Just go check it out. Forget Chloe, I want one.

Jack Bauer has a father?!!
Castle Fairchild has a recap of the latest episode of 24.

24: Snapped together!!
Right Mom has made watching 24 a family affair. It's sorta like watching Springer when the Bauers get together. Someone is going to have a love child, a chair will be thrown. Good times.

A Comic Look at 24
Ever wanted to know what a Jack Bauer comic book would look like? Well shame on you if you haven't.

24 - K.B. spends the day with J.B. (Hour 5)
Kyle counts other things besides kills. Did you know that Jack Bauer did not yell the last hour? KB also provides a funny recap of the last episode. It is the first and only recap to reference a lite brite, Jason Bateman, and Grand Theft Auto.

All in the family
King Tom recaps the last episode and sprinkles in a few stupid questions.

Finally, make sure to check out the CTU Rookie, an online miniseries put on by Degree and the crew of 24. Can you guess the star of the show and his connection with a previous season of 24?

Post a comment if you can.

'24' in the real world...

There is a great discussion going on at Forums4Bauer titled, "'24' in the real world...". You are all invited to jump on over and contribute your thoughts.

Speaking of the Forum, there are now 20 users registered. That's double the number since this post on Monday. Why haven't you signed up yet?

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: My home is not a KinderCare
by Audrey Raines

It has been two years since I've last seen my boyfriend, Jack Bauer. In that time I have been an emotional wreck. Hell, since I met Jack I have been on an emotional roller coaster that seems to never stop. Now Jack wants to bring his love child into my home? Sorry Jack, my home is not a KinderCare. I can do better.

Since I started dating Jack Bauer, my husband was killed by Jack Bauer. Since I started dating Jack, my father (James Heller) has may have died. Since I started dating Jack, my ex-boyfriend (Walt Cummings) committed "suicide". Since I started dating Jack, my younger brother was accused of being a terrorist with bad hair, and was tortured by Curtis...who I also had a thing with while Jack was "gone" and is now dead. Bad things happen to people that I cared about while I dated Jack Bauer.

Oh, and I had my brachial artery severed while Jack and his former boss played grab-ass together. I should have listened to Dr. Phil last year, to hell with Mary Jo Buttafuoco!

Before Jack announces to me that he's planning on moving into my house with his little love child, Josh Bauer. I have to spring a little Dr. Phil's advice on him "...awareness without action is worthless". Sorry Jack, take your little boy elsewhere before I get too attached and the cute little bastard ends up dead.

Counterpoint: Keep Your Big Nose Out Of This!
by Jack Bauer

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 10:00 AM and 11:00 AM

10:00:00 to 10:11:42

As the show opens, the president and his staff are watching cable news, as a newscaster gravely intones, "The Unthinkable has happened, Tom and Katie... have split up. Also, another white girl missing in a tropical Paradise. Later, Los Angeles residents ask, 'what was that bright flash and mushroom cloud doing over Valencia?' We'll have these stories and AccuWeather, coming up next..." President Chapelle is evacuated to 'The Batcave,' since no one knows where the other four nuclear boom booms are. The Batcave, by the way, looks like it was decorated by Romulans. It was built under the White House in the large, cavernous spaces where Bill Clinton kept his p0rn0 stash.

Back at CTU, they're counting the dead, and perhaps wondering why terrorists always save their big attacks for the LA Basin instead of Washington or New York. Pretty much, every team who was anywhere near Valencia was vaporized along with about 12,000 other people. And Cola, by the way, DEAD, so stop speculating. Russett Potato Face is upset because Cola is dead, Bacardi quit, and worst of all, most of her routers are off-line. "Why does everyone around me keep dying?" she laments. Al Bundy straightens her out, "Oh, right, girlfriend, it's all about you.. SNAP!"

Meanwhile, in the streets, massive panic, people throwing suitcases around for some reason, little blond girls almost getting run down by terrorists, cats and dogs living together... Imhotep is on the cell to this season's Evil White British Guy(TM) [would the nickname "Tom Willis" be too obscure?] who helped the terrorists arm the boom booms. The terrorists, or as CAIR would have us call them, Cuddlebears, need another guy with a package who can program nukes. Evil White British Guy agrees to call New Mexico governor Bill RIchardson and see if any of the ChiCom spies he has working at Los Alamos can help.

In the midst of all of this, a stunned Jack Bauer gazes over the chaos like some ... beat-up chaos-gazing guy. He sees that someone left their Christmas decorations up because there's a helicopter on the roof of a house. Jack goes up and frees the man trapped inside just as the chopper falls over the side and explodes with a Lethal Weapon-worthy KA-BOOM! Jack warns the helicopter guys to stay away from Valencia. "Because we don't have the budget to create a nuclear wasteland set," he explains. Jack calls Chiggy Killer and says he's back in. Verizon stock jumps 30%.

10:16:06 to 10:21:17

In the Batcave, President Chapelle receives condolences from other countries, coupled with assurances that France, China, and Russia will block any Security Council resolutions against the terrorists. Also, Pat Buchanan calls in to blame Israel. Meeting with the Joint Chiefs, one Admiral recommends randomly nuking urban areas in the Middle East. "These people want to live in the Stone Age, let's put them there." Chappelle disagrees, "I think we need to give sanctions more time."

At CTU, Bashir arrives, but nobody likes him. Chiggy Killer informs Bashir about the four boom booms, and Bashir is shocked. Turns out Bashir sent Imhotep to pick up some nukes from a Russian general who was having a garage sale, but Imhotep told him there was nothing there but some old Autograph cassettes and board games with pieces missing. "He went Taqiyya on me!" Bashir fumes. Russet Potato Face opens up her Russian database (a.k.a. Google) and does a search for "Russian General suitcase nukes Islamic terrorists." She gets 11 billion results.

10:25:42 to 10:33:52

Larry, Mo, and Shemp ... I mean, Chloe, Al Bundy, and Kemper ... look up the Russian General's business contacts. One name floats to the top: Jack Bauer's Dad, Zephram Cochrane Bauer, a humble pig farmer living in west Burbank. Chiggy relays the info to Jack, who says "Oh, snap!" and prepares to pay daddy a little visit after stopping at a Home Depot to pick up some sharp metal tools and a Coleman grill.

Meanwhile, back at Club Gitmo North, two FBI agents show up and prepare to wire up Gee Wally, to see if he can learn anything else from the Cuddlebear sympathizers locked up in the facility, so that hundreds of thousands of more deaths could be prevented. Moments later, a story appears on the New York Times website, "FBI to Wire Detainees to Surveil Terror Suspects," next to a picture of Gee Wally. The FBI agents pull him off the yard and pretend to get tough with him, taking him into a rest room and demanding "what's in your wallet." He shows them his Capitol One card. They then give him a swirly and send him back into the yard. The ruse works, as one of the Cuddlebears has taken a liking to him.

Jack tries to call his dad, but instead reaches his dad's life-partner, who looks a lot like Father O'Neil from "Wedding Crashers," but he isn't. Father O'Neil passes on a cell number for Jack's brother. Then, some guy named Libby Libby Libby calls Jack's a-hole brother, Rocket Romano Bauer. Romano is apparently the guy Jack practiced torture on growing up, and it's turned him into a real wipe.

10:38:17 to 10:45:12,

Jack calls Rocket Romano, then calls Russet Potato Face to get his address. Rocket Romano goes to his wife and his son, (Hey, it's Ricky Shroeder {we knew he was joining the cast this season.}) Rocket Romano informs the audience that his wife, Patsy Ramsey Bauer, once had a thing for Jack.

Then, Evil White British Guy picks up a bimbo, while still trying to phone around and find a nuclear physicist who can arm another bomb. He's working his way through the student directory at CalTech and getting some leads. He calls Imhotep, who is happy the bombs can go off today as scheduled.

10:49:36 to 10:59:59

Chiggy and Token chick inform Bashir that they are ready to put him on a plane to DC. On the way out of CTU, no one shoots him.

Meanwhile, back at Club Gitmo, one of the other Cuddlebears reluctantly takes Gee Wally into his confidence. "Is it true about Imhotep and Nana Visitor?" Gee Wally asks, but the Cuddlebear has already seen the Times article, and says nothing,

Back in Cali, Jack shows up at the home of Rocket Romano Bauer. Jack would love to catch up, but he insists to Romano that he needs to find their dad. When his brother won't help, Jack knocks him down and gives him a titty-twister. "Tell me where dad is." Romano Bauer refuses, so Jack gives him a wedgy. "Stop, you're hurting me," Rocket Roman cries like the whining little bitch that he is. "No, I'm not," Jack says. This is dialog familiar to anyone who had or was a little brother growing up.

The President prepares to go on the air and address the nation. He's not going to soft-peddle it, he's going to be complete straight that "youths" of unknown ethnicity and religious preference detonated a small nuke near Los Angeles.

And, back in Cali, Jack has tied Rocket Romano to a chair and given him a Hertz Donut. Jack covers his brother's face with a plastic bag, which is how Rocket Romano Bauer went bald in the first place and demands to know where his father is.

Apparently, we'll find out next week.

Counterpoint: Perez, you ignorant slut!

By Dan Aykroyd

Perez, you ignorant slut. I read your Point and vomited in disgust. Terrorists nuked L.A. because vapid bottle-blonde bimbos like you are ruining this country. Having spent most of my adult life in Hollywood, I am rather familiar with this city.

It’s a cesspool.

You asked what the terrorists have against very pretty and somewhat important people. First of all, have you even seen Los Angeles lately? For every Natalie Portman and Jessica Simpson, there’s a Harvey Fierstein and a Rosie O’Donnell. Second of all, if this berg is so damned important, then why is all of the country’s power on the east coast? I mean, I guess Ivan Reitman is fairly important . . . if you are a gold medalist in the Casting Couch Olympics.

Look, taking pride in your town is something everyone can appreciate. Take a look at New York City, for example. After 9-11, no one has even looked at The Big Apple. Why? Because they would hunt down the terrorists and kick their asses back to Allah! However, when you take a good hard look at the situation, the terrorists have been attacking Los Angeles for only one reason: you’re a bunch of pussies.

I have three words for Perez Hilton: yes they did!

Point: No they didn't!
By Perez Hilton

Jack Bauer's Love Child

Jack Bauer has a love child.

Finally Jack can play catch, throw the football, and torture suspects with lighter fluid and jumper cables with his son. Unfortunately for Josh Bauer, he can no longer check out "cousin" Kim without feeling just a little guilty.

I guess the next logical step in their father/son relationship (after looking for a new barber) is to train Josh to take over the family business since Kim obviously could not hack it at CTU.

Monday, January 22, 2007

24 LiveBlog - 10:00 A.M. - 11:00 A.M.

After spending a season in the peanut gallery, I've been elevated by The Man to help out with the blogging chores around here. My dossier can be found at A Blog For All. Jack's a busy guy and considering all the help that CTU provides, every little bit helps.

When last we left Jack, he was contemplating quitting CTU and questioning life when a flash of brilliance appeared on the horizon. Actually, the flash was a nuclear blast as the Red Shirt Tac Team can't stop a nuclear bomb from going off. CTU finds out there are four more of the bombs waiting to ruin someone else's day. That provides a clarifying moment for Jack, who realizes that no one else in the country knows how to kill terrorists better than he does. Well, except for maybe Curtis (who's now dead because he threatened to kill Bashir the Islamic turncoat terrorist).

Questions to ponder: What will be the body count from the nuclear bomb that went off in the prior hour? Will Jack be able to get from point A to B in and around the newly irradiated Los Angeles region without so much as a traffic jam? Will chaos erupt preventing Jack from getting the job done? Has the nuclear fallout prevent McDreamy from having perfect hair and bedding Meredith and convinced Izzy that she needs to spend her millions? Oh wait, wrong show.

Anyhow, back to Jack - he's got a tall task ahead of him and without Cola, he's going to have to rely upon his new favorite drink - Dr. Bashir.

Tick Tick Tick...

I guess tonight's commercial of choice will be Ghost Rider? Just what the world needs - another Marvel cartoon reduced to Nicholas Cage proportions? Last week, it was 300... guess they didn't have enough Spartans to cover more than the pass at Thermopylae.

They're doing the recap... so we get to relive the worst moment of the season - Curtis dying followed moments later by the nuke going off...

10:00 - The unthinkable has happened? Oh really? Do they forget another nuke that went off in the desert because Jack stopped it from going off in Los Angeles?

No less than 12,000 dead.

To the Batcave for Palmer. All the CTU LA field teams too close to Ground Zero? All dead?

Potato Face wonders why all the people she works with keep dying? Because you work for an outfit whose security sucks? Who have more moles than a cornfield, and because you're not working at Initech?

Traffic seems to be pretty typical for Los Angeles.

Evil dudes talking.

10:09 Bauer goes to help dude who saw a helicopter crash after being hit by a shockwave. Guess it was cheaper than having a bunch of airplanes falling out of the sky. In the nick of time too...

Jack's back - he's back in. Chiggy must be so relieved to hear that. ...

10:16 - Meeting at the Bat Cave. Awww. Other countries extend their condolences and offer their assistance. First question - where are the carriers.

These people want to live in the Stone Age? Let's put them there.

10:17 - the Visitor is on the move. Bashir finally meets Chiggy. Chiggy is not impressed.

Bashir wonders how Fayed managed to put together the visiting team. Russians involved? tick tick tick...


10:25 - Technoweenies fighting over the best way to get intel. Al Bundy plays my hero.

Philip Bauer? Jack had a dad? Here I thought he sprung fully formed from the forehead of the Gods.


And we now get to club Gitmo. Obama is already in there, and the FBI wants to put a wire on him. Get the feeling that Chief Wiggums is the one behind the mike?

So, Obama now has the wire and Obama has a little wear and tear - nothing that the 15,000 tuneup can't fix.

Jack is trying to get in touch with dad. I guess dad's nickname is going to be Oddball. Just watch out for the negative waves.

10:31 Liddy just spoke to Rocket Romano, who happens to be Bauer's brother? Are you kidding me? This isn't good at all. Not good at all.


Now, let this all sink in. The top terrorist and the guy who wants Jack dead more than anyone else in the world is dear old brother. Rocket Romano. The one armed wonder.

As per the comments, Obama's new nickname will be Locke - who never does truly believe.

10:36 - Hi. How are you? How are you doing? How's the weather? What's new and exciting?

BTW, anyone else notice that all the traffic is non existent?

Hmmm... love triangle? Awww. How cute.

10:39 - How best to spin the terrorist detonation of a nuclear device in Los Angeles. Lovely. Sugar coat it. More aggressive measures. Deportation. Ah, embracing the politics of fear. Saving the nation from extinction.

How many talking points can I cram into one scene?

What took you so long? Gee, honey, a nuclear bomb went off. What do you want me to say?

Good news within the hour? The other bombs going off as scheduled... 10:45....

10:49... Back at CTU, Bashir is trying to convince them that he's for real. But the President wants him in DC. Why? Chiggy gives the handshake...

FBI just upgraded its lead - Locke is providing deep cover intel. The jihadis aren't entirely convinced Locke is a true believer or not. Locke took the initiative himself. Sherry Clone doesn't like all this going down.

We should get to know each other. Do lunch. It's the LA kind of thing to do. Meet you at Spago? Locke is laying on a story nice and thick. He knows Jack Valenti and the guys at the MPAA - they'll know what to do.

The brothers meet at last. Jack is at the disadvantage because he doesn't realize that Rocket is a bad guy. A real bad guy. Weird day. LA-speak for holy frickin $#!t!

I want information and then I'll leave.

Where's dad. Jack's trying to do this gently. Romano isn't buying. Try again. 10:56...

I need information or else I'll start hurting you. Trust me. Jack's not.

Cut to the Bat Cave and Palmer is looking pretty wigged out trying to collect his thoughts before going on TV trying to explain what the country will do next. The long walk to the desk.

... My fellow Americans... What are we going to do about this...

Jack wants the truth. Romano can't handle Jack's kind of truth....

Romano is about to get a lesson in oxygen deprivation. Will he be a quick learner? Stay tuned... 11:00 tick tick tick

Good night. And good luck.

Well, that ends my inaugural live blog. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Check back with Blogs4Bauer tonight at 9/8c for Live Blogging of tonight's show.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 2

Welcome to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Last week Jack Bauer shook off some rust and scored a respectable 5 points, including scoring a 4-pointer with his Vampire-kill. However killing Curtis dropped the point total to 4.

Will the old Jack Bauer return tonight? Will his new ability to glow in the dark hurt or help his kill counter point total? Will the ghosts of Ryan Chappelle and Curtis Manning seek revenge?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System listed below. Post your point total in the comments section for Hour 5. The winner will be posted next Monday.
Week 1 (Hours 1-4)
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)

Kill Counter Point System:
Jack Bauer with a gun (1 point)
Jack Bauer with a knife (1 point)
Jack Bauer with explosives (1 point)
Jack Bauer with his head (4 points)
Jack Bauer with his manpurse (5 points)
Jack Bauer with his upper body (2 points)
Jack Bauer with his lower body (3 points)
Jack Bauer's cell phone kills someone (0.5 point)
Jack Bauer kills CTU agent Jason Blaine (2 points)
Jack Bauer kills another member of CTU (-1 point)

Bonus Points:
Jack Bauer tortures someone before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool and tortures someone before killing them (+3 points)
If Jack Bauer utters a "dammit" in the process of killing someone (+1 point/each)
If Jack Bauer wears aviators while killing someone (+1 point)
If Jack Bauer sports his manpurse while killing someone (+1 point)

Jack Bauer Combo Kills:
If Jack Bauer kills more than one person in one situation, here's how the combo points add up.
2 kills-in-1 (+2 points)
3 kills-in-1 (+6 points)
4 kills-in-1 (+8 points)
...10 kills-in-1 (+20 points)
and so on.
Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)


I have mentioned Forums4Bauer a couple of times in passing and in the comments now and then. But I wanted to pop in this morning and give you a few more details.

One of the things that I enjoyed about Blogs4Bauer, even before I was invited to contribute here, were the comments. If you aren't reading the comments along with the posts you are really missing out. The commenters here are outstanding and add a lot to the fun of site.

I thought that a forum would be a great way to keep those conversations going, and would be a great compliment to Blogs4Bauer. Instead of having to wait for one of us to start a discussion, in the forum you can:
  • Start your own conversations. (This does not mean talk to yourself. That's silly, and potentially could require professional help).
  • Ask questions. (Not that anybody will have an answer, but you can ask).
  • Share your thoughts, comments, and speculation.
  • Have more fun than a wild night with Chloe. (From the equipment measuring going on in the first four hours that must be a pretty good time).
  • Discuss the characters, the actors, the nicknames, the mystical abilities to traverse large portions of California in mere moments.
  • Speculate (But please no spoilers. Like here, after an episode airs anything is fair game. You've been warned).
So what are you waiting for? Get over to Forums4Bauer, register, and start talking. Don't make me call Jack.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Nadia = Yummy!

Hopefully, she won't turn out to be a really annoying character like other hotties from past seasons. Yes, Kim Bauer, I am looking at you.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Carnival of Bauer V6.1

The Carnival of Bauer!!! is back and hotter than a Valencia manhole cover, sneakier than a commercial break on 24, and more popular than Chloe on a CTU SpeedDating event.

Everything I Know I Learned From 24
Irrational Optimism provides us with some key points from watching 24. Such as:
-If you ever get arrested for anything, strike an immunity deal.
-Breaking into a high level government facility is like attacking a four-year-olds snow fort.
Check out the post for much more.

New Logo
I'm not sure if Simply Kimberly meant to post this in the Carnival, but she developed a new logo for Blogs4Bauer. Thanks Kimberly, whatever gets you over Tony's death.

B is for Bauer!
Pantrygirl (not panty girl) posts a couple of random musings from the first few episodes of Season 6, which you can now get on DVD. What is up with that?

TV Weekend comes to a close
Lou from New World Order posts about some things he found interesting about the season thus far, including some predictions. Lou also posts a list of people on 24 that he doesn't trust. As if the writers of 24 would throw a mole into the plot...never.

24 - Day 6, 8 Am - 10 AM
JimK recalls the first few hours from the perspective of Jack Bauer. Since Jack doesn't have enough on his plate already, now he has to blog about it.

Tidbits from "24" hours 3 and 4
Thoughtful Conservative lists some thoughts about hours 3 and 4 by noting current events with what is going on in 24.

The "Explosive" Season Premiere of 24
The 24 Recap by Says Simpleton includes some of the show's surprises (Curtis, nuke, etc) with some of the no-brainers (Chloe is a smartass).

24 Goes Nuclear
In the world of 24, Little Miss Chatterbox may be the only fan that pays homage to Ms. Everyman in helping correct her husband's willingness to help out the terrorists. Now if she can just get him to trade in those other credit cards for Capitol One, they would greatly improve their vacations.

Tom Gibson sent me this ad. Click on it for a larger view. I kinda want to take a ride on the Atomic Super Chief!

“24″ Returns: Night 2
The recap from The Buzz Blog has an error. It was an ailing George Mason who flew the nuke into the desert, kicking Jack Bauer off the flight in Season 2. Jack Bauer shot Ryan Chappelle in the head at the request of a terrorist in Season 3.

Barstool Sports: Random Thoughts: January 16, 2007
Barstool Sports has a recap of the events on 24 including a rundown of some of the new and old characters we are going to see this season.
Con Air and Straw Dogs
The Bauer has a nice recap of the first few hours of Season 6. Nice reference to Palmer's version of ConAir minus Nicolas Cage.

R.I.P. The Black Sack
With Curtis Manning's shocking death, The Jack Sack returns to help us cope with the loss of his friend, Curtis' man-purse: The Black Sack. Yes, Jack Bauer's man-purse apparently has time to blog.

Da Bomb
Dr. Blogstein admits staying up at night and wondering what will happen next with the four missing suitcase nukes. DB also has a few really cool links pertaining to the reaction to the show and the fallout of the missing nukes.

24 - K.B. spends the day with J.B.
The recap at includes a running tally of kills, screams, cellphone calls and "Jack Bauer Moments." Plus plenty of biting, sarcastic analysis. The post also brings to mind something that I didn't notice. Who cut Jack's hair?

Drop the weapon!!!
Castle Fairchild posts about the Jack Bauer doll. If only I had a nickel every time someone emailed me a link to the story about this doll.

24 - It's Just a TV Show
FAIR at Radioactive Liberty posts a biting tome on the fact that there are probably many people watching 24 and saying, “See! See that you stupid liberals? That is how terrorism poses an existential threat against our country. This is exactly what will happen if we leave terrorism unchecked.” On a sidenote, Time magazine also has an article debating the politics of 24.

Magic Lamp posts these recaps on his site and on Dave Barry's site. So if you missed them at Magic Lamp and also at Dave's place, here they are.
Here are some thoughts and stupid questions from King Tom on episodes three and four.

Last but not least. Have you been looking for a way to liven up your workplace? Matthias and Jason sent me a link to a video they put together. Check out the Jack Bauer Management Infomercial here. They cite the Talk Like Jack Bauer Day post as inspiration.

The Carnival of Bauer!!! returns next Thursday (1/25). If you would like to submit a post, remember to have them in by midnight on Wednesday.

Want to host The Carnival of Bauer!!!? Send Jack an email to sign up.

Previous Carnivals

A little house cleaning

I just wanted to pop in early this morning and let you know of a little bit of house cleaning done here at Blogs4Bauer.

Over in the left sidebar, just below the Carnival of Bauer link, there is a box listing some key Blogs4Bauer posts. Right now it has the links to The B4B Guide to Nicknames and information on the Blogs4Bauer Blogroll. I'm sure that others can be added. Suggestions?

Speaking of the Blogroll, one big change since going to the new site design is that we have changed from a group of hard-coded links to a list. There are a few nice features we can take advantage of by using that service:

  • The linked blogs are displayed with the most recently updated sites at the top.
  • In addition to that sorting, all the blogs that have been updated in the past "24" hours show "++Taking Place" following the link.
  • And here's the really cool part. You can add the blogroll to your site! It's just a short bit of javascript code that you can add to a sidebar, etc.
If you would like to display the blogroll on your blog just copy and paste this code into your blog template:

<script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="">

Be sure to take out the line breaks that where added to keep the end of the code from being hidden under the right sidebar.

You can now send your requests to be included in the blogroll to lakelandjim ~at~ gmail ~dot~ com. Also, drop me an email at that address if you have any questions. If you don't know how to "fix" that email address, well you're probably a resident of Valencia, Ca. and it doesn't much matter anyhow.

While I'm here let me give a short pimp out to the new Forums4Bauer. I'll have a more detailed post on that soon. In the meantime, just go take a look, register, discuss, lather, rinse, repeat.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

CAIR Finds 24 Offensive: Fox Responds

CAIR has a thing for going after the television show 24, especially since they occasional show that some bad guys in the world are Muslims. Fox Entertainment group submits the following response:
24 is a heightened drama about anti-terrorism. After 5 seasons, the audience clearly understands this, and realizes that any individual, family, or group (ethnic or otherwise) that engages in violence is not meant to be typical.

The show takes great pains to ensure that all characterizations are seen in the overall context of the series. “Bad guys” may ultimately be good and those that seem to be guardians may in fact be the worst kind of criminals. Even the show’s hero, Jack Bauer, is seriously flawed. It’s that acknowledgement of the diverse nature of the show’s characters that makes 24 such a compelling series.

Over the past several seasons, the villains have included shadowy Anglo businessmen, Baltic Europeans, Germans, Russians, Islamic fundamentalists, and even the (Anglo-American) president of the United States. Over the course of the series, no ethnic group has been singled out for persecution or blame. In fact, the show has made a concerted effort to show ethnic, religious and political groups as multi-dimensional, and political issues are debated from multiple viewpoints.
As someone who watches and blogs the show regularly, I find CAIR's position on the subject offensive. The show has gone to considerable efforts to cast about for terrorists and threats that are not Islamic terrorists - the very folks who murdered thousands of Americans in real life on 9/11. They've even twisted the acts of one character, President Logan, from a snivelling and weak character into the epitome of evil and full of plans within plans behind the terrorist attacks on the US that Jack Bauer himself was trying to prevent.

In the real world, there are new news reports on a daily basis indicating that terrorists are calling for jihad and the destruction of the West and the US in the name of Allah. These aren't militant Quakers we're talking about, but Islamic terrorists. So, the show glosses over the reality and casts about for bad guys who aren't of a Muslim background.

The show's writers have managed to show the nuances and quandaries that face the fictional nation on 24. They created a character I refer to as Bashir who has a dark terrorist past and who has the blood of thousands on his hands, and yet he not only has a change of heart about the terrorist tactics, but offers to assist the US in tracking down even bigger threats. Jack Bauer is forced to kill his trusty sidekick, Curtis, who has a history with Bashir - Bashir tortured and killed members of Curtis' unit after the first Gulf War, because Bashir not only was given a Presidential pardon, but was providing actionable intel to stop a terror plot.

Of course, complaining and inventing controversies are nothing new for CAIR. They exaggerated details of the flying imam case, and only in the last day have they come forward complaining about how a number of Muslims who were making the hajj were prevented from boarding a Northwest flight because they arrived at the gate 20 minutes before the flight departs. Of course, the facts don't help:
Northwest spokesman Roman Blahoski said Monday that the passengers were denied boarding because they arrived for the flight just 20 minutes before departure, a violation of airline and governmental regulations.

“These passengers did not meet the standard check-in deadline of 60 minutes or onboard deadline of 20 minutes,” he said. “It’s nothing beyond that.”
It's nothing beyond that.

CAIR is so busy chasing exaggerated and fictionalized incidents that it doesn't realize the damage it does to the Muslim community in the country that could use a true moderate organization that wants to improve relations instead of pursuing a radical agenda (as evidenced by the numerous ties to terrorist groups among the leaders and former leaders of CAIR).

Cross posted at A Blog For All.

Point: No they didn't!

Point: No they didn't!
By Perez Hilton

Did you see 24 the other night? Tragic! Can you believe that horrendous shirt that Jack had on? Put a bro on those manboobs, there are children present! Then there's Chloe, oh what a walking disaster area. This brings me to the point of this post. Why did the terrorists nuke LA? What do they have against very pretty and somewhat important people?

What is the point of having a bomb go off like Axel Rose on a 3 week bender in Sunny SoCal? We can only hope to the celebrity Gods (like P.Diddy) that the nuke went off and will only affect parts of LA where the ugly people live.

Hayden Christensen. Princess Skankienna swears he's not gay. But then again, who cares, he's probably dead now?

Our pal John Stamos was the belle of the ball at the NBC after-party for the Golden Globes. However, he never made it to my post-after-party. A little birdie told me that he was in Valencia for a coke deal. Looks like the Full House reunion is off!

Then there is Justin who bolted the after-party after Cammie D got too clingy. Clingy like Jack "ManBoobs" Bauer's t-shirt! Did he survive the nuclear blast or is there still hope that he gets back with the Backstreet Boys?

Only ManBoobs Bauer can ensure that Lindsey, Britt, and Paris survive to live another day. Another day of getting blasted and showing their crotches off to the world! Without LA, where will our beautiful people live? Santa Clara? With four more nukes left, let's hope that the terrorists think twice before attacking any more pretty people.

Counterpoint: Perez, you ignorant slut!
By Dan Aykroyd