Carnival of Bauer

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Keep Your Big Nose Out Of This!
by Jack Bauer

Audrey, let's get one thing straight: you will do exactly as I say, and you will be thankful to do it. In case you missed it, I have spent the last year and a half being tortured in a friggin' Chinese prison! Then President Palmer makes a deal for my release, only to offer me up as a virgin sacrifice to that idiot Fayed. If it weren't for my Blade imitation, I would be dead!

But far be it for me to "trouble" you with a little babysitting.

Look, I love you, but if you think that means that I will not ask (read: force) you to something for me, you are dumber than you look. I read your second paragraph, and I took the time and energy to rewrite it as it should be:

"Since I started dating Jack Bauer, MY LIFE WAS SAVED by Jack Bauer. Since I started dating Jack, my father WAS RESCUED FROM THE BRINY DEEP. Since I started dating Jack, my ex-boyfriend DIED AS HE DESERVED TO. Since I started dating Jack, my younger brother was SCARED STRAIGHT BY CURTIS...who I also NEVER SLEPT WITH with while Jack was "gone" and is now dead. GOOD things happen to people that I cared about while I dated Jack Bauer."

Oh, and I forgot the clincher: Since I started dating Jack Bauer, people think I'm hot . . . despite my penis nose.

Audrey, I am coming back to you, and I am bringing Josh with me - whether you like it or not. Honey, I'm home!

by Audrey Raines


Johnny Park said...

Don't you mean "Jack, Jr."?

Anonymous said...


Why are you so mean?

Anonymous said...

LOL... great stuff!!!