Carnival of Bauer

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 10:00 AM and 11:00 AM

10:00:00 to 10:11:42

As the show opens, the president and his staff are watching cable news, as a newscaster gravely intones, "The Unthinkable has happened, Tom and Katie... have split up. Also, another white girl missing in a tropical Paradise. Later, Los Angeles residents ask, 'what was that bright flash and mushroom cloud doing over Valencia?' We'll have these stories and AccuWeather, coming up next..." President Chapelle is evacuated to 'The Batcave,' since no one knows where the other four nuclear boom booms are. The Batcave, by the way, looks like it was decorated by Romulans. It was built under the White House in the large, cavernous spaces where Bill Clinton kept his p0rn0 stash.

Back at CTU, they're counting the dead, and perhaps wondering why terrorists always save their big attacks for the LA Basin instead of Washington or New York. Pretty much, every team who was anywhere near Valencia was vaporized along with about 12,000 other people. And Cola, by the way, DEAD, so stop speculating. Russett Potato Face is upset because Cola is dead, Bacardi quit, and worst of all, most of her routers are off-line. "Why does everyone around me keep dying?" she laments. Al Bundy straightens her out, "Oh, right, girlfriend, it's all about you.. SNAP!"

Meanwhile, in the streets, massive panic, people throwing suitcases around for some reason, little blond girls almost getting run down by terrorists, cats and dogs living together... Imhotep is on the cell to this season's Evil White British Guy(TM) [would the nickname "Tom Willis" be too obscure?] who helped the terrorists arm the boom booms. The terrorists, or as CAIR would have us call them, Cuddlebears, need another guy with a package who can program nukes. Evil White British Guy agrees to call New Mexico governor Bill RIchardson and see if any of the ChiCom spies he has working at Los Alamos can help.

In the midst of all of this, a stunned Jack Bauer gazes over the chaos like some ... beat-up chaos-gazing guy. He sees that someone left their Christmas decorations up because there's a helicopter on the roof of a house. Jack goes up and frees the man trapped inside just as the chopper falls over the side and explodes with a Lethal Weapon-worthy KA-BOOM! Jack warns the helicopter guys to stay away from Valencia. "Because we don't have the budget to create a nuclear wasteland set," he explains. Jack calls Chiggy Killer and says he's back in. Verizon stock jumps 30%.

10:16:06 to 10:21:17

In the Batcave, President Chapelle receives condolences from other countries, coupled with assurances that France, China, and Russia will block any Security Council resolutions against the terrorists. Also, Pat Buchanan calls in to blame Israel. Meeting with the Joint Chiefs, one Admiral recommends randomly nuking urban areas in the Middle East. "These people want to live in the Stone Age, let's put them there." Chappelle disagrees, "I think we need to give sanctions more time."

At CTU, Bashir arrives, but nobody likes him. Chiggy Killer informs Bashir about the four boom booms, and Bashir is shocked. Turns out Bashir sent Imhotep to pick up some nukes from a Russian general who was having a garage sale, but Imhotep told him there was nothing there but some old Autograph cassettes and board games with pieces missing. "He went Taqiyya on me!" Bashir fumes. Russet Potato Face opens up her Russian database (a.k.a. Google) and does a search for "Russian General suitcase nukes Islamic terrorists." She gets 11 billion results.

10:25:42 to 10:33:52

Larry, Mo, and Shemp ... I mean, Chloe, Al Bundy, and Kemper ... look up the Russian General's business contacts. One name floats to the top: Jack Bauer's Dad, Zephram Cochrane Bauer, a humble pig farmer living in west Burbank. Chiggy relays the info to Jack, who says "Oh, snap!" and prepares to pay daddy a little visit after stopping at a Home Depot to pick up some sharp metal tools and a Coleman grill.

Meanwhile, back at Club Gitmo North, two FBI agents show up and prepare to wire up Gee Wally, to see if he can learn anything else from the Cuddlebear sympathizers locked up in the facility, so that hundreds of thousands of more deaths could be prevented. Moments later, a story appears on the New York Times website, "FBI to Wire Detainees to Surveil Terror Suspects," next to a picture of Gee Wally. The FBI agents pull him off the yard and pretend to get tough with him, taking him into a rest room and demanding "what's in your wallet." He shows them his Capitol One card. They then give him a swirly and send him back into the yard. The ruse works, as one of the Cuddlebears has taken a liking to him.

Jack tries to call his dad, but instead reaches his dad's life-partner, who looks a lot like Father O'Neil from "Wedding Crashers," but he isn't. Father O'Neil passes on a cell number for Jack's brother. Then, some guy named Libby Libby Libby calls Jack's a-hole brother, Rocket Romano Bauer. Romano is apparently the guy Jack practiced torture on growing up, and it's turned him into a real wipe.

10:38:17 to 10:45:12,

Jack calls Rocket Romano, then calls Russet Potato Face to get his address. Rocket Romano goes to his wife and his son, (Hey, it's Ricky Shroeder {we knew he was joining the cast this season.}) Rocket Romano informs the audience that his wife, Patsy Ramsey Bauer, once had a thing for Jack.

Then, Evil White British Guy picks up a bimbo, while still trying to phone around and find a nuclear physicist who can arm another bomb. He's working his way through the student directory at CalTech and getting some leads. He calls Imhotep, who is happy the bombs can go off today as scheduled.

10:49:36 to 10:59:59

Chiggy and Token chick inform Bashir that they are ready to put him on a plane to DC. On the way out of CTU, no one shoots him.

Meanwhile, back at Club Gitmo, one of the other Cuddlebears reluctantly takes Gee Wally into his confidence. "Is it true about Imhotep and Nana Visitor?" Gee Wally asks, but the Cuddlebear has already seen the Times article, and says nothing,

Back in Cali, Jack shows up at the home of Rocket Romano Bauer. Jack would love to catch up, but he insists to Romano that he needs to find their dad. When his brother won't help, Jack knocks him down and gives him a titty-twister. "Tell me where dad is." Romano Bauer refuses, so Jack gives him a wedgy. "Stop, you're hurting me," Rocket Roman cries like the whining little bitch that he is. "No, I'm not," Jack says. This is dialog familiar to anyone who had or was a little brother growing up.

The President prepares to go on the air and address the nation. He's not going to soft-peddle it, he's going to be complete straight that "youths" of unknown ethnicity and religious preference detonated a small nuke near Los Angeles.

And, back in Cali, Jack has tied Rocket Romano to a chair and given him a Hertz Donut. Jack covers his brother's face with a plastic bag, which is how Rocket Romano Bauer went bald in the first place and demands to know where his father is.

Apparently, we'll find out next week.