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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Tivo Blogging: The Following Takes Place Between 11:00 am and 12:00 pm

(Fox 24 Promo) "The biggest surpise of the season is just around the corner."

Well, that's gonna make the remaining 18 episodes kind of anti-climactic.

11:00:00 to 11:11:02

"Our goal is the defeat of our enemies..." says President Chappelle to the nation. "Not so fast..." scream Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Hagel, and Barbara Boxer. Then, Gloria Allred started shrieking at Weasel Cage about detention camps or something. I kind of tune out when bleeding heart liberals start preaching civil liberties. Then Weasel Cage started babbling on about loaded muskrats or something. Later, he plotted to get Gloria Allred out of the way.

Anyway, back at CTU, the Mole .. I mean, the Token Arab Chick complains about how due to new security protocols, all the Middle Eastern types now have to mix capitals and special characters into their passwords, and it's taking her a lot longer to get stuff done. So, she whines to Chiggy about it. He tells her to buck up and slaps her on the heiney for support.

Back at Casa Bauer, Jack is still torturing Romano Bauer. Confused ER fans call out, "Yes! Yes! Make it slow, Jack. Make it long and sl-o-o-o-o-o-o-w!" Then, all too soon, Jack takes off the plastic bag, and Romano flashes back to his toilet training. "I made a mess, and dad has to clean it up," he sobs. Long story short, Romano claims the terrorists stole the nukes from him and Jack's Dad with help from Evil White British Guy (EWBG) Then, Jack and Romano leave and, in the biggest surprise of the season, Jack phones Chloe for help!!!!

11:15:25 to 11:26:48

On the road, Romano whines that Jack is selling out the family, when all they did was sell suitcase nukes to terrorists. EWBG is also in a car with his bimbo while he works his way through the Los Alamos Phonelist. "Aaron Abramson? Hi, you don't know me, but can you program a nuke like the one that went off over Valencia. No? Sorry to bother you .... Hello, is this Mike Ackerman? Hi, you don''t know me..." Imhotep is losing patience with him.

Kemper is perturbed that Token Arab Chick is taking too long with her analysis. He finds out from Chiggy about the extra-strength protocols put in place by Weasel Cage. Kemper protests. "But Token's lived in this country since she was two. She's a Republican." So, now we know she's evil.

At Camp Gitmo, the detainees are still at recess. Gee Wally finds out one of the detainees smuggled in a cell phone. Gee Wally asks how, when told, he no longer wants to touch it, but the FBI insists that he get it.

Meanwhile, Caged Weasel confronts Gloria Allred with a list of people who will testify that Chiggy had Imhotep in his custody and let him get away, and then Gloria Allred covered it up. Allred tells him, "I've got dirt on you too. I know about your obsesion with Janet' Reno's waddle." Caged Weasel gives her a choice, stay on, and he'll leak to the New York Times, resign, and all records of the event will be smuggled away in Sandy Berger's underpants, never to be seen again.

11:31:13 to 11:36:24

Al Bundy rags on Token Republican Chick for being slow, Kemper covers for her, and then Al Bundy meaningfully says, (da-dit da-dit da-dit message coming through). "We're both on the same side." Then Kemper logs her in under his password, which is illegal and will probably come back to haunt him if previous seasons are any guide.

Gloria Allred busts into President Chapelle's office, tenders her resignation and gives him a nice little pep talk. President Chapelle offers to send her to CTU in LA, and he agrees to arrange transport by "Air Sununu" (How obscure is that.)

11:40:52 to 11:47:05

Gee Wally challenges the cell phone detainee to a Tango contest and discreetly grabs the phone during a dip. The FBI guys have him call Chloe with it, and she says, "who am I the gawdam Time-Life operator?" Cynthia McKinney Chapelle wants Gee Wally to pull out. "I bet he's heard that before," says the FBI agent, wiggling his eyebrows. Examining the phone records, Chloe finds out the detainees haven't been in contact with terrorists, they got their information from an entry on DailyKos titled "Valencia? Screw 'Em." In the biggest surprise of the season, the detained Muslims turn out not to be terrorists! So, the FBI agrees to pull Gee Wally out. Naturally, this is when the other detainees find out Gee Wally took the phone, and they chuckle because it was all a misunderstanding and sit down to some pancakes.

Just kidding, they actually beat him like Jackson Brown on a first date.

11:51:31 to 11:59:59

Jack busts into his dad's secure offices using just a credit card and the unstoppable power of his man-boobs. Jack opens up EWBG's conveniently un-password protected computer and finds out that EWBG began deleting files ten minutes after the bomb went off. Then, in the biggest surprise of the season, Jack doesn't call Chloe so she can instantly download the hard drive, reconstruct the data, and find the one clue that will advance the plot. Instead, Jack goes into a back room and gets into a fight with the only guy in LA he can't take down in a single punch.

As the baddie is about to ventilate Jack's forehead, Zephram Cochrane Bauer shows up. "Hi Jack, how was China?" Zephram Cochrane and Romano beg Jack to leave CTU out of it, so they don't have to go to prison or shell out millions for a presidential pardon. When Zephram Cochrane agrees to do it Jack's way, Romano double crosses them, and sics his goons. ("Oh, Snap!" Jack may be heard to say.) This comes as absolutely no surprise. The goons lead Jack and Sephrame Cochrane out to a waiting van to drive them out for execution. Someone's due for a neck-bitin'.



Jack Bauer said...

Time for another nickname guide?

Anonymous said...

Great post. I will be checking in after every episode now.

24 is the best show of all time in regards to creating the creepiest, most despicable political figures year after year. That guy from Ally McBeal is going to either overthrow President Wayne or get pistolwhipped by Jack at some point.

NDwalters said...

Rap, that dude will get punched by Karen Hayes. Remember, she's the one who bitch slapped Miles Papazzian and did help bring down Charles Logan.

I saw next week's previews. Powers Boothe will be the Vice President, and he looks to be a more evil version of VP Prescott or Charles Logan, combined.

Expect Ally McBitch to be VP's boot lick.

Anonymous said...

{Sneak peek at next week] As Jack and his long lost pappy are cuffed in the bad guys van, Jack takes a power dump that burns straight though the floor of the van and cracks the axle. The van flips over and the bad guys are dead. Jack bites off the cuffs and Jack and his Pappy run away.

NDwalters said...

Here's some nicknames to consider for future use.....

For Graem Bauer

Rocket Romano, Stewie Griffin, One Armed Wonder, Bauer The Punching Bag.....

For Creepy English Guy

Eddie Izzard clone.

For Chloe- love Russett Potato Face

For Morris- Al Bundy, perfect.

For Milo- I think Kemper is funny, but did anyone consider Mike Bolton (Office Space guy)

For Abu Fayed- Samir Nayinanajar or Sameer Nagonaworkhere

Buchanan- Chiggy works.

Karen Hayes- Gloria Allred is fine, but when she gets mad she can revert into Frau Blucher (horse neighs)

Token- for the hot ME Gal, Nadia.

Gee Wally, perfect.

Cynthia McKinney Clone, nice.

Weasel Cage is good, or maybe Karl Rove.

Anonymous said...

awesome recap of this rather lame episode. why not create a nickname for Nadia like the ones from the classic Robert de Niro@SNL-Clip (, Awana Fuqya or something like that.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so far I've been pretty correct in predicting things on this show... it's just too bad I haven't posted much here to prove it...but let's see how good I am when I make it known... Blonde chick with bad English accent guy is a secret agent working for the CIA or Verizon or something. (By the way, does anyone notice the cell phone system didn't get screwed up after a Nuclear Bomb went off? Every one still has perfect service "can you hear me now?") The way she kept looking at him when he was phoning BubbaHoTep about finding a new triggerman just looked a little fishy, like she wasn't just your normal bubble headed bleach blonde. She wants to get out of town, and when he says "fine go I'm stayin'," what does she do? Stays! and yes, Milo giving his access to Hotty Muslim Chick is not going to be a good thing...but that could be too obvious. I just love how CTU field teams are wasted so easily also.

Anonymous said...

I like Awana Fuqya, Sameer Nagonaworkhere, and Frau Blucher.

Anonymous said...

ah, zefram cochrane! thanks for the insight. jack's dad invents the warp drive. no wonder i recognized him.

Dionne said...

V the K you haven't lost your touch. I am a HUGE fan of your Tivo blogging, keep up the awesome work!!

Anonymous said...

Jack's dad invents the warp drive.

How else did you think Jack could travel from any place in SoCal to any other place in under five minutes?

k.barrick said...

That line about the 24 promo?

(Biggest surprise of the season.... well, that'll make the next 18 episodes kinda anti-climactic.)

Funniest thing I've read in a while.

Oh, and this is the girl from 24 Weekly Debriefing. Hi guys!

k.barrick said...

Agreed that warp drive makes the 24 driving times make much more sense.

Plus Cochran invented it in Montana (where I'm from) so it makes me feel all important inside.

Anonymous said...

Vice President Cy Tolliver?

Mike Mc.