Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day

September 19 - International Talk Like a Pirate Day
December 14 - Talk Like George Bush Day
It's time that we honor Jack Bauer by spending a day making co-workers and loved ones nervous by talking like him.

To get the ball started, we need a date to set aside for "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day". Please vote or suggest a day in the comments section.

What Date Should Become "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day"?
December 21 - Jack Bauer's Birthday
November 1 - Day of the Dead (Mexico)
November 7 - Election Day
February 26
March 12
April 23
January 14 - Season 6 Premier
November 6 - Season 1 Premier
December 7 - Pearl Harbor Day

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian

Jack Bauer running for Senator of New York and Connecticut is a bad idea. So says that sugary pixie Katie Couric. Couric is so sweet that I go into diabetic shock every time she broadcasts. We get it Katie; you're perky! That may have been swell when you were a high school cheerleader. But now? NO ONE CARES!

We were all really impressed when you were handed the CBS News spot on a silver platter. Did a law degree come as a side dish? Don't you worry whether or not Jack Bauer's campaign is legal. As Emporer Palpatine said, "I will make it legal."

On top of this you have the temerity to say that a "true" New Yorker should be elected to the Senate. I guess Hillary is sporting genuine Manhattan cankles? Cripes, she is more of a carpetbagger than The Man from GOP and the City! Jack is well versed in over a dozen languages: I doubt "Bronx" would be too difficult for him.

And finally, you throw out the same tired argument; that Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath. If anything, Mr. Bauer is proud of his violent record. Hell, who do you think would really represent the people of New York: a violent psychopath, or a bloated former attorney from Arkansas? I think the answer is clear.

Oh, and Katie, just so you know, you're husband isn't dead. He couldn't stand your constant blathering, so Jack smuggled him out of the country and faked his death. Chew on that.


Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Hi, and thank you for tuning in to the Couric Power Hour. My name is Katie Couric, Dan Rather no longer works here.

Jack Bauer is running for Senator of both New York and Connecticut and I think it's a very bad idea. Bad for New York, even worse for Connetiucut, and even more worse for the Senate. New York and Connecticut need their own senators; Jack Bauer should stick with what he does best - whatever that is.

First of all, is this stunt even legal? I've never heard of anyone being a Senator from two different states. Even if being a senator from two different states is ok, being a Senator from two different states at the same time is probably against the rules.

Second, I would like to know if Jack Bauer could represent the people of New York and Connecticut. He happens to be from California and has spent the past 5 seasons between Mexico, California, and a brief time in a whore house in Nevada. I know that New York needs a senator that is a true New Yorker and is not running for Senate just to make a run at a higher office.

Third, Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath with no known people skills; he has no place in a law-abiding institution like our Congress. We know what Jack Bauer is capable of with a towel, hacksaw, and a box of Peanut M&Ms. Where does this translate to an ability to create meaningful legislation? Jack Bauer cannot get a bill to become law by simply torturing it.

With these arguments in hand, I hope that the people of New York and Connecticut avoid the media hype surrounding their candidate for Senate and vote for whom they think will do a good job representing the common person from their state. That would be Ned Lamont and Hillary Clinton, not Jack Bauer.

Good Night and Good Luck, Courage.

-Katie Couric

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Top Ten Questions Asked Of CTU Applicants

10. Have you ever been convicted of a felony in the United States?
9. Would you accept a position with CTU Security? We have several openings.
8. Are you offended by gratuitous torture?
7. Do you have a list of references?
6. Do you think it is morally wrong to impale a terrorist?
5. Do you have morals?
4. How many assault weapons do you currently own?
3. Are you now or have you ever been a mole?
2. Is love the answer? (Trick hippie question.)

And the number one question asked of CTU applicants is . . .

1. How long does it take you to dismember a body, and can we time you here?