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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 9:00 AM and 10:00 AM

09:00:00 to 09:13:38

CTU figures out that Nemo is a German-trained nuclear physicist who knows all about setting off a suitcase nuke. Kemper tries to get Bundy to do something technical, but Bundy says he's doing something else for Chloe. Chloe tells Kemper this ain't the case. "I'm not a mole!" Bundy insists. CTU policy requires Kemper to take his word for it.

At the White House, Gloria Allred and John Caged Weasel describe the potential casualties from a suitcase nuke, which the President of the United States, despite 11 weeks of terror attacks, apparently has not been briefed on. "How many people do you think would be killed by a suitcase nuke," John Caged Weasel asks him. "100?" Chapalle guesses. They inform him that the actual death toll will be many times greater than that, and illustrate it with some graphics they borrowed from the Discovery Channel. "Get me Jack Bauer," President Chapelle demands.

Bashir asks Cola "what are we going to do next?" "What do you mean we kome sabe?" Cola shoots back at him. "Cola and Synthehol don't mix. Like Kanar and Raktajino." Jack is pissed. "Damn it you, play nice together."

Then, Jack’s phone rings. It's Chapelle, "Hey, Jack, How ya doin', Buddy?" Jack flips his bangs out of his eyes: "Breathing deep in darkness that envelops my soul." Chapelle goes on, "Hey, sorry about that whole sending you to your death by torture this morning. You wanna lead the team to find Nemo?" Jack says okeedokee, but grimly.

Meanwhile, Bashir has located Jack's favorite thing in the whole world, a PDA. Everything on the PDA was destroyed in the explosion except one useful message. "Nana Visitor arrived Thursday." He explains that Nana Visitor is code for "bomb" and Thursday is code for "Must See TV." It is obvious a reference to “Joey.”

Less than five minutes after escaping from Palmdale, Nemo has met up with Imhotep in Los Angeles. According to mapquest, the distance from Palmdale to Los Angeles is 53 miles, and the drive is one hour and three minutes under ideal conditions. Looks like someone besides Jack can warp space-time. Imhotep immediately puts him to work on the nuke. "Do you think you can have it ready in time for a climactic action sequence at the end of the hour." Nemo is confident he can, if, of course, he gets the detonator.

Speaking of which, back at the Everyman's house, Mrs Everyman begins to ask White Castle why he became a terrorist, but before White Castle can say anything that might get CAIR on Fox's ass, Bill Everyman calls back, "I killed a guy to get the nuclear detonator for you. Can you forgive me for my race's part in the Crusades?" White Castle says not yet, Bill Everyman has to deliver the detonator to the terrorist cell. Bill says he’ll do it if White Castle releases a hostage. White Castle asks if he’s ever seen the Zionist propaganda film “Sophie’s Choice?” White Castle forces the wife out and warns her he'll kill Billy Everyteen if she calls the police. Mrs Everyman wants to call the Police anyway, but Bill Everyman objects. "I can't bear to see another minority youth hauled off to jail," he says.

But Mrs Everyman does a rare, sensible thing and phones LA County 9-11 "Hello, police, my son is being held hostage by a terrorist who is threatening to kill him unless we deliver a nuclear detonator to a terrorist group... Yes, I can hold."

09:19:36 to 09:31:23

Bundy and Kemper are still getting along like cats in a sack, and soon the audience finds out why. It turns out they both dated Russet Potato Face. She confronts them, "OK, I dated both of you, but neither one of you could satisfy me like Spencer the Stud-boy, so get over it. Now, which one of you is the mole?" Then, the personal side-story to keep the female viewers interested is put aside so that CTU can connect Jack with Mrs Everyman, who conveys that her son is being held hostage by someone who could be a terrorist, but she's reluctant to judge him because one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.

President Chapelle receives Ambassador Smarm in the White House. "Is Bashir really interested in peace?" "Absolutely, 100%, you betcha!" the ambassador insists "And I told John Kerry and Arlen Specter the same thing." The ambassador is excused. Gloria Allred supports the deal, and we all know how good her judgment is. John Caged Weasel opposes the deal, on the grounds that he's a middle-aged white guy and he just hates Muslims. President Chapelle calls Jack and offers Bashir full immunity in return for helping find Imhotep and working for peace. He even offers to pull some strings at the Nobel committee, but Bashir feels that Jimmy Carter's award really reduced the Peace Prize to Grammy status.

Back at the detention camp, Gee Wally accepts water from another prisoner. "Before this day is over, the infidels will pay," the prisoner tells him. Then, he goes off and has a conversation with another prisoner in Arabic, which Gee Wally can not understand except for the parts that are crucial to advancing the plot.

Back in La-La Land, Bill Everyman arrives at the drop, and the terrorists shove a gun in his neck. "Hey, I realize you have legitimate grievances against my country for supporting Zionist Imperialism," he says. “It’s cool.” He hands off the detonator to Nemo. Nemo is pleased, "Cool, I'll have the bomb ready to go in twenty minutes, or it's free," Bill Everyman begs for his son's release. Imhotep calls White Castle. "OK, you can leave now. Kill the boy, first. And don't be a pussy like Behrooz." "Who is Behrooz?" White Castle demands jealously.

09:37:23 to 09:42;25

President Chapelle signs the pardon. He brings in the White House's answer to the McLaughlin Group, John Caged Weasel and Gloria Allred. "Question Number One! We have pardoned a terrorist! How do we sell this to the public? Gloria Allred..." They decide they can spin it to the public as a "Bad terrorist turns good thing," put him on Oprah, have his picture taken with Angelina Jolie and some African children, and make a commercial for stem cell research. If they play their cards right, he can run for senate from Illinois in a couple of years. Even though he's beheaded hundreds of people in the name of Global Jihad, he's still less radical than Dick Durbin.

Meanwhile, Bacardi and Cola with a dash of Synthehol is deploying around the Everyman house. White Castle changes imperatives from "Sit. Down." to "Get. Up." "Why?" Billy Everyteen asks. "So I can kill you," White Castle explains. And proving that his parents raised him to be a good, sensitive new age male, Billy obligingly kneels while White Castle prepares to kill him, execution style. "My mom has an apron in the kitchen, in case you don't want to get my blood on you," Billy tells him helpfully.

The CTU Tactical Team busts into the house. Jack grimly yells "Drop the weapon!" Millions of fans down double shots. Bullets are fired. White Castle goes down like a greasy slider. Jack wants him alive so he can get the location of Imhotep. But, fortunately, Billy Everyteen shares Jack's fondness for Rainman and remembers the address, "Numbers... something about oranges... 351 Old Mill Road Valencia." Jack and the tactical team move out while Billy Everyteen goes to cash his last paycheck and then hang out with Behrooz and Hairboy at the Home for Forgotten 24 Teen Characters.

09:48:25 to 09:59:59

President Chapelle is giving his staff instructions. "Tell first responders in Los Angeles to be ready to respond to a nuclear detonation... but don't panic." Meanwhile, Cynthia McKinney goes to the detention center to visit her boyfriend, who relays to her the conversation he overhard. She is outraged, "Gee Wally, you shouldn't be listening in on other prisoners’ conversations." Then, she hits him with her cell phone. But he begs her to tell the president, and she reluctantly agrees. (Two seasons, from now, she'll probably be president.)

In La-la land, Jack gives Bashir his pardon, but Bashir wants to read it over and make sure there's nothing in it requiring him to do reunion specials with Rene Auberjonois. Cola is not happy. "You mean he walks." "It's not my call," Jack tells him grimly. Chloe confirms that Cola and Bashir have a connection. Bashir personally beheaded two men from Curtis's Army Unit after Desert Storm. She relays this information to Jack just as Curtis puts a gun to Bashir's head. Then, Jack pulls a gun on Curtis. Then all the CTU guys pull their guns. It's just like the banned xbox commercial. "I can't let this animal live," Cola growls. A shot rings out, and Curtis takes one right in the neck from Jack's gun. Curtis says "Garp," and then he says "Good" and then he dies.

Jack throws up and hugs a tree. His cell phone rings. Chiggy Killer is calling. "Jack, I know you're upset right now, but it's not the first time you had to kill a trusted friend and it probably won't be the last. Let's go get some pancakes." "No pancakes, I quit," Jack says. "I can't do this any more. So, why don't you just go back to your Justin Timberlake and your homework, you conformist asshole?" He jerks his hair back into place. "You just don't know what real pain is."

Also, Chiggy finds out that White Castle died on the way to the hospital. Because of his circumstances, he doesn't get 72 Virgins. He gets to be one of the 72 Virgins for last night's suicide bomber.

CTU has imagery on Imhotep's hideout. A tactical squad moves in. They approach two sentries for whom the war is over quickly. But Nemo is almost done with the weapon. As the tactical team comes in shooting, a terrorist shouts at Nemo, "Can you detonate now?" Nemo can detonate now, and he does. A mushroom cloud blossoms over Los Angeles. The President watches in the White House, stunned. “OK, he gets one more deal, but that’s it!” he insists.

Jack sees it from the front lawn of the Everyman house. He knows either Rob Reiner is lighting farts again, or someone detonated a nuke.

Meanwhile, Gee Wally's overheard conversation is conveyed to the CTU. They realize there are four more nukes out there with Imhotep, If Jack doesn't stop him, it will be like 9-11 times... well, four.


Anonymous said...

Prediction for the next show...Jack grimy starts killing everything in sight.

erp said...

Super great reconstruction.

BUMBLE!!! said...

The first 12 minutes of the next show (actually 10 if you subtract the get you up to dates)... they move Palmer's office to the basement, Jack helps a downed helicopter pilot survive and comes back to CTU after discussion on how devastating the nuke was.

Was it worth the $10 at Best Buy for just that little bit of information?

Hell yeah.

We need more than 1 hour of this show a week. Waiting 7 days for little bits here and there is worse torture than what Jack went through.

Great recap by the way.

The Jack Sack said...

Awesome work.

I too hate the 7 day wait, but this season is going to be worth every second.

NDwalters said...

Yeah, I got the DVD also. It's better than the DVR episodes with Ice Storm warning crawls across the bottom.

Jack is gonna f-ck some people up, that's all I know. I wanna see some biting, clawing, or even Jack gouging out or yanking out some dude's eyeball. Think Kill Bill on the type of crap he can do....Mwehahahahaha!

Unknown said...

V? You make pretzels look like rulers.

BUMBLE!!! said...

I can't wait till David Palmer's lesser brother grows a pair and starts dropping the retaliatory nukes, Delta Force, and napalm on every terrorist training campt that he can find. And even if he only gets half of them, to smack the smile off of his sister's face.... that would be enough seeing as before its done, she will be complicent in all of this.

RFTR said...

V, you are one sick individual... who definitely knows how to bring the funny.

Nicely done.

Nelson said...

Good job. Here's my take:

Winstrol said...

It was so long ago!!