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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: My home is not a KinderCare
by Audrey Raines

It has been two years since I've last seen my boyfriend, Jack Bauer. In that time I have been an emotional wreck. Hell, since I met Jack I have been on an emotional roller coaster that seems to never stop. Now Jack wants to bring his love child into my home? Sorry Jack, my home is not a KinderCare. I can do better.

Since I started dating Jack Bauer, my husband was killed by Jack Bauer. Since I started dating Jack, my father (James Heller) has may have died. Since I started dating Jack, my ex-boyfriend (Walt Cummings) committed "suicide". Since I started dating Jack, my younger brother was accused of being a terrorist with bad hair, and was tortured by Curtis...who I also had a thing with while Jack was "gone" and is now dead. Bad things happen to people that I cared about while I dated Jack Bauer.

Oh, and I had my brachial artery severed while Jack and his former boss played grab-ass together. I should have listened to Dr. Phil last year, to hell with Mary Jo Buttafuoco!

Before Jack announces to me that he's planning on moving into my house with his little love child, Josh Bauer. I have to spring a little Dr. Phil's advice on him "...awareness without action is worthless". Sorry Jack, take your little boy elsewhere before I get too attached and the cute little bastard ends up dead.

Counterpoint: Keep Your Big Nose Out Of This!
by Jack Bauer


Sec. James Heller (Your Father) said...

Um, honey, Penis-nose, I'm not dead. Don't you remember? I escaped from the car as it plunged into the water.

V the K said...

According to IMDB, the kid playing Jack Bauer Junior is almost 19 years old. What kind of hormones has Rocket Romano been feeding him?

The Man said...

V- it's called Jesus Juice.

Lou said...

When I read this, all I could think of was Paul Raines saying 'Auuuudrey.'

The Man said...

Lou -

I forgot about that wanker. I added him to the post.

The Jack Sack said...

I love how we ALL reacted to Graham's kid the same way: It's really Jack's kid. But since this is 24, there's gotta be a twist. Is the kid really Behrooz after radical plastic surgery?

steve said...

Audrey continues, "and in the time Jack was gone, I married Ben Stiller, had his child, divorced him and got engaged to marry some dorky Wall Street bond trader... oh, and the kid is about twelve".

Anonymous said...

THis made my day!

Anonymous said...

This made my day!

Anonymous said...

This made my day!

tw111 said...

Dammit. Angst-ridden-hand-wringing Awwwdrey was bad enough, now we'll have to deal with Awwdrey, in her Wal*Mart-issued "I Went All the Way to China and All I got was this Shoddy Lobotomy" tee shirt....

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