by Jack Bauer
Audrey, let's get one thing straight: you will do exactly as I say, and you will be thankful to do it. In case you missed it, I have spent the last year and a half being tortured in a friggin' Chinese prison! Then President Palmer makes a deal for my release, only to offer me up as a virgin sacrifice to that idiot Fayed. If it weren't for my Blade imitation, I would be dead!
But far be it for me to "trouble" you with a little babysitting.
Look, I love you, but if you think that means that I will not ask (read: force) you to something for me, you are dumber than you look. I read your second paragraph, and I took the time and energy to rewrite it as it should be:
"Since I started dating Jack Bauer, MY LIFE WAS SAVED by Jack Bauer. Since I started dating Jack, my father WAS RESCUED FROM THE BRINY DEEP. Since I started dating Jack, my ex-boyfriend DIED AS HE DESERVED TO. Since I started dating Jack, my younger brother was SCARED STRAIGHT BY CURTIS...who I also NEVER SLEPT WITH with while Jack was "gone" and is now dead. GOOD things happen to people that I cared about while I dated Jack Bauer."
Oh, and I forgot the clincher: Since I started dating Jack Bauer, people think I'm hot . . . despite my penis nose.
Audrey, I am coming back to you, and I am bringing Josh with me - whether you like it or not. Honey, I'm home!
by Audrey Raines