TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 7:00 AM and 8:00 AM

07:00:00 to 07:15:22

So, Jack, having fed on the blood of the living, is hiding in a drain under his cell, recovering his super-human powers. Meanwhile, Imhotep and his henchman, Harvey Feirstein, search adjacent tunnels, until Harvey Feirstein convinces Imhotep to forget about Jack and concentrate on the terrorism.

As the terrorists go elsewhere, Jack finds a car, and busts a window and finds a phone, "Oh,snap!" he exclaims. He calls CTU. "Chiggy, listen to me carefully. Call off the air strike. You're killing the wrong man. Julian Bashir is not responsible for these attacks. If you kill him, you're going to get more white guilt from this than from the last six seasons of M*A*S*H." Chiggy arranges for Jack to be put through to the President. Jack reiterates, Imhotep: bad, Julian Bashir: Good, Frank Stallone: Pure Evil.
Suddenly, Gloria Allred turns into Janet Reno. "Don't listen to Jack Bauer, Mr. President. Go in there and burn 'em. Burn 'em all. Burn, baby, burn!"
Chiggy asks, "Honey, how many times last season was Jack right and you were wrong?"
Gloria Allred-Reno answers, "18,654 ... but I feel really good about this time."
President Chapelle agrees. "The air strike goes forward. It's a celebration, bitches!"

So, then Jack hotwires the car and races against time toward the address of Julian Bashir. He's racing against military helicopters in a Caprice Classic wagon in LA Rush Hour traffic, but by warping space and time and being "definitely an excellent driver," he makes it to the coordinates ahead of the shoppers.

Meanwhile, back at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Everyman, Bill Everyman Sr. is on the phone with the FBI, trying to learn where Behrooz-2007's father is. Imhotep calls Behrooz-2007 and tells him to go back and get his package. Behrooz agrees to go back to his house, but not before refusing a pendant from Bill Everyman Jr. "Neck jewelry looks really gay on me," he explains.

Meanwhile, Jack arrives at the air strike coordinates, cold-cocks one of the henchmen with his long, hard wood, and acquires a gun. Using the gun, he bursts into the bungalow, where four terrorists are working on computers. Mostly, they're doing payroll and EEOC filings. There's actually an awful lot of paperwork involved in terrorism. Then Bashir bursts into the room. He and Jack are in a standoff. Jack wins his trust by putting down his weapon.

Bashir admits that he has had a change of heart. Since coming to America, he's been watching a lot of Oprah and now he's convinced that America isn't the Great Satan, and Americans and Stallonists should join hands in the great drumming circle of life and sing Kum Ba Yah. "Can I have a hug?" he asks Jack. But Jack insists there's no time. Jack and Bashir make it out of the building just as Hellfire missiles rain down from above and destroy the one-story wooden bungalow in a hellish firestorm.

This being one of the more down and out neighborhoods of L.A. No one really notices. They figure somebody just crossed M-13.


07:18:51 to 07:26:55

Meanwhile, jack-booted FBI thugs raid a "community-service" organization that bears a striking resemblance to CAIR and demand personnel lists. The president's sister, Sandra Chapelle, a.k.a. Sister Act, stands up to them and insists they get a warrant. Her Arab assistant wants to cooperate fully, but she would rather call and her brother the president, and deliver an Important Message(TM) about the wrongness of ethnic profiling.

Meanwhile, within five minutes of the air strike, Cola is on the ground counting bodies. "One, two, three... four bodies." He counts twice, just to be sure. They soon determine that none of the bodies was Frank Stallone. Chiggy informs the president, the President asks John Caged Weasel what Frank Stallone will do next. John Caged Weasel does his Yoda impression, "Respond, he will."

In another part of town, Imhotep pulls inside a warehouse in a van, where a suicide bomber is being belted up for an attack. Imhotep gives him a little pep talk, and then arms the suicide belt. "You know what to yell at the moment of detonation?" he asks. "Allahu-Akhbar?" the bomber asks. Imhotep shakes his head, "No, we're changing the cry to, 'This is Bush's Fault.' It's more media-friendly."


07:31:22 to 07:37:02

Jack is trying to help Bashir escape the CTU Dragnet. He spots a target of opportunity, a house that movers have just finished packing and moving out of... at 7:30 in the morning. R--i-i-i-i-i-ght. Jack warns Bashir that CTU will know by now that he wasn't killed in the airstrike and will widen their search. Jack and Bashir argue over whether Bashir should turn himself in to CTU. "You should turn yourself in to CTU." Jack tells him. "No, I won't" Frank Stallone insists, it's more important that they find Imhotep. "Tell me where Imhotep is" Jack demands. Bashir 's henchman refuses. So, Jack jabs him in the nerve bundle on the left shoulder with a knife, which is usually very persuasive. But Jack takes pity on him and stops the torture, claiming the man doesn't know anything, he can tell by the look in his eyes. So, Bashir picks up the knife and stabs the truth of Imhotep's location out of him. Then stabs him to death, but politely apologizes to him as he does so, much in the manner of the African Bushman or the Indians of the Northern Plains who honored their prey after the hunt, unlike the white man, who just killed for pleasure and you all should feel very, very guilty about that.

Back at CTU, Chloe looks over imagery from the airstrike and spots Jack and two men running away just before the missiles hit. She promptly informs Chiggy Killer. Chiggy Killer and Chloe see the picture and affirm that Jack would never rescue Bashir out of simple compassion... because he isn't a fluffy little baby kitten. They know Jack was right and Mrs. Chiggy Killer was wrong (no surprise) and now they have to find Imhotep.


07:41:23 to 07:46:22

Anyway, back at CAIR, the FBI has returned with a warrant. Sister Act at first questions the legitimacy of the warrant, then relents, and allows them to get the personnel files out of the computer room. Then, she furiously begins deleting them. So, the FBI arrests her and impounds every work station and hard drive in the office. And we're supposed to be upset, I guess.

Meanwhile, Behrooz-2007 returns to his house, takes out his package, and fondles it lovingly. He is jumped by the neighborhood bigot and and furiously beaten. Then, Behrooz-2007 takes out a gun and shoots the bigot once in the leg, once in the neck. He pulls a piece of glass coffee table out of his leg. Bill Everyman Jr comes to the house and wants to call 9-11. Behrooz-2007 instead pulls a gun on him and lectures him on the correct pronunciation of Arabic names. It's a bit like the "Romanes Eunt Domus" scene in "Life of Brian" but not quite as funny. Almost as funny, but Behrooz-2007 just lacks John Cleese's priceless sense of comic timing.


07:50:42 to 07:59:59

Jack and Bashir are in a car, They spot Imhotep's men crossing the street, a handler and a suicide bomber, and heading into the Los Angeles subway, seriously imperiling both daily riders. The follow and watch from the Promenade. "You follow the handler, I'm going after the bomber, and Odo will... oh, never mind" Jack tells him. Jack and the bomber get on the same car. The train pulls away from the station. Bashir follows the handler.

Jack sees the terrorist sitting near the back of the subway car, the detonator in his right hand. The ticket taker asks for Jack's ticket, "I'm Jack Bauer. I'm a Federal Agent. You have a terrorist on this train. Now move away." The ticket guy hears this from scary disheveled homeless guys all the time. LA Metro policy requires him to back off slowly and not make any sudden moves. Sean Penn gets free rides this way all the time.

Jack jumps the terrorist and they struggle. Jack is normally able to kill a man instantly when the situation requires it, but this scene requires more fighting. The terrorist breaks free and stands by the rear door. "It's Bush's fault!" he yells, then detonates. Jack hard kicks him in the gut and he falls out of the train and explodes on the tracks. Which is a bummer for him. You don't get 72 virgins for causing property damage.

Henchman reports that Union Station was not blown up. The bomb went off four blocks too soon. But, bombs in Baltimore and Chicago went off as planned, and Imhotep is pretty pleased overall.

The White House gets the news that even though they went through with the deal, and the airstrike, terror bombings continue, Gloria Allred approaches the President and grimly informs him that, it's now 18,655 times Jack was right and she was wrong

Curiously, the missile attack on the house in Inglewood has not made the news. Probably because ChapelleCo controls the media.