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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Shenanigans Afoot!

This is an outrage! The most dangerous female in the history of this country scores a paltry fourth place in Miss Blogs4Bauer? Unforgivable. It was I who duped Jack Bauer and CTU, not once, but twice! It was I who murdered Jack Bauer's wife Teri - and it wasn't that difficult, either. Does insanity and cold-heartedness mean nothing to you people?

This will not stand. I will seek out Chloe O'Brian, Nadia Yassir, and Kim Bauer. And I will kill them. And their families. From beyond the grave. How is this possible?

Because I am just that damned good.

Chloe - 1st Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer

Congratulations to Chloe O'Brian and her victory over Nadia Yassir in the first annual Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest. We would also like to thank the peanut gallery and the voters who maxed out the number of times they could submit a vote on Mister Poll only to clear their cookies and do it all over again.

Next season we will have the 2nd Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer contest and open it up to the cast and possibly even some 24 fans out there. Yes, Kate Warner and her sister will be included this time.

In the meantime, let's give it up for Chloe O'Brian! Not only is she hot, she can also read those annoying binary clocks, and shoot a gun. So she's a triple threat.


Click here for the completed bracket.

Friday, May 25, 2007

24 Caption Contest


Caption this touching moment from the season finale of 24.
Make sure your vote counts for the Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship between Nadia and Chloe.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale


We have come down to the season finale of The Carnival of Bauer!!! I'd like to thank all the hosts this season and everyone who submitted posts.

Steve from Magic Lamp recaps Hour 23 and Hour 24 in his comprehensive way. Good job recapping every damn episode this season Steve. Now it's time to put down the keyboard and reconnect with your wife and kids.

The Free Geek lists the Top 10 things Jack Bauer Can't Live Without. However, I think that Jack Bauer's copy of Journey's Greatest Hits should have made the list.

You can add Rickey Henderson to the list of people who thought Soul Patch would make a comeback this season. Sorry buddy, this season proved that the silent clock doesn't mean a thing. Rickey recaps the season finale and gives the show a final report card.

Rocinante's Burdens is new to the Carnival, as Jack Bauer never said "better late than never". Anyway, they post a 14-point recap of the last 3 hours of 24.

Amy Vernon of Remote Access is the MVP of the Season 6 - Carnival of Bauer!!!, she laments the lackluster season ending of 24. Hmm... I would go with banal, pablum, prosaic, maybe even vapid. "Lackluster" makes it seem like there might have been some life in the show prior to the season finale. See you next season Amy.

Speaking of Amy, she also posts something for you Soul Patch lovers out there. It appears that Tony almost came back.

Go check out Wyatt's website, he really needs the traffic. He also lamented the prosaic ending of the season and offers up The Top Ten Better Ways To End Day 6.

Fausta's blog is another 24 addict who looks back fondly on Day 4 with hopes that Day 7 is more like the old days and less like Day 6.

Jeff Kouba from Truth v. The Machine is also a 24 fan. He does another recap and tallies up the kills from this season.

Personally I was glad that Day 6 is finally over. So is King Tom, who notes the promise of the start of the season and the banal ending. Tom leaves us with a good recap and a nice haiku:
Jack’s at a crossroads
Let the next day be better
Audrey don’t wake up.
Says Simpleton likes to think of Season 6 as a glass half-full. While the rest of us are bitching because Jack didn't smash the glass and force Heller to drink the shards, Simpleton looks at the season as part of the whole 24 series. This post is a must read.

Do you want to know what happened in CTU-Denver? Well then The Jack Sack is the place for you. Check out his recap of the first hour of a series of CTU-Denver posts.

The guy behind A SVC Alumnus' Blog spends most of his days voting for Chloe on the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. When he's not voting for Chloe, he's making up holidays for Potato Face. Here is how he spent Chloe Appreciation Day. I had surgery, but still managed to eat some French fries.

Well that's it, the Carnival ofBauer!!! will return in 2008. Now, stay tuned for Fox's newest hit "Are You Faster Than a One-legged Gimp".

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

The season finale of the Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (5/24) here at Blogs4Bauer. If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (5/23).


Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!

The Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. For weeks we have been working our way to this moment. The first annual Miss Blogs4Bauer championship comes down to one more vote. This time next week, only one 24 hottie will remain.

Previously on MissBlogs4Bauer. After 1,618 votes and 49 comments that veered from the topic and into baseball. Here are the results of the Final Four:


The CTU Office Hottie Matchup



Chloe O'Brian
EXPERIENCE:
CTU – Senior Analyst, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Intelligence Agent, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Internet Protocol Manager, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
BEST BUY - Geek Squad Manager

EXPERTISE:
Has 12,456 friends on Myspace.
Attacks scripts, computer vulnerabilities, intrusion detection, penetration testing, operational security, viruses. Proficiency in Cerberus, Minesweeper, and PlutoPlus.

PATH TO CHAMPIONSHIP:
Hacked into Blogs4Bauer and removed Debbie Pendleton then defeated Michelle Dessler and Marilyn Bauer

PERSONAL:
2 months pregnant, the baby already has a 145 IQ

Nadia Yassir

EXPERIENCE:
CTU - Associate Special Agent in Charge, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Director of Intelligence, Detroit Domestic Unit
CIA – Senior Intelligence Agent
CIA – Intelligence Agent for Middle East Territories

EXPERTISE:
Fluency in Arabic/never smiles

PATH TO CHAMPIONSHIP:
Defeated Dina Araz and Martha Logan

PERSONAL:
Single and a master of her domain






Who should be Miss Blogs4Bauer?

Nadia Yassir

Chloe O'Brian



Click Here for results



TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 05:00 AM and 06:00 AM

05:00:00 to 05:10:2
Lick Poo informs Zephram Cochrane Bauer that a submarine is en route to pick them up and take them to some weird island with a smoke monster and a giant three-toed statue that was never really explained.

Ricky Stratton, minus one eye, is led away from the beach. "Yarrrrrgh, mateys, this could be a new look for me, says I. Yar."

Al Bundy tries to get the 411 from the CTU Doc, but the Doc just snarls. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not the information desk."

Scooter Fuqya has found the oil platform. They detect life signs, an approaching boat, and traces of Jesus Juice. She informs the vice president that they have located ZCB. The veep's military adviser advises an air strike. "Blast those heathen Chinee and that sick pervert sicko to Hell." "What about the kid?" Weasel Cage asks. "Yeah, he'll probably be blasted to hell, too." says the General. "Me like idea." says president Jim Jones. "Me give authorization." Everyone agrees, air strikes are cool.

Scooter Fuqya relays this message to Jack. Chiggy and Jack acquire a helicopter using the usual technique.


05:14:33 to 05:22:06
Jim Jones gets on the phone with Russian President Subaru. "Me call air strike against oil platform for to blow up secret chip." The Russians confirm that they'll watch the coverage on the 'F-18 Air Strike' channel, and if the oil platform is blowed up real good, they'll call off the attack. "Thank you. You friend. Jim Jones happy now."

Bacardi and Old Grand Dad call Scooter and ask that the intelligence they need to hit the platform be sent to Jack's PDA (of course). Then they figure out how to stealthily fly a helicopter to the oil platform. But Lick Poo turns out to be the bastard son of Radar O'Reilly and hears them approach.

Jack Junior begs ZCB to let him go. "Shut up your pretty bitch mouth and put on the gimp suit," ZCP orders him. Then, Lick Poo, runs up onto the deck with a dozen funky Chinamen from Funky Chinatown. As Lick Poo is setting them up, Jack is chopping them down, shooting from the hip with an assault rifle. Then Jack shoots up some fuel tanks in a maneuver he calls 'Mongolian Barbecue.' He blows through the Chinese like Rosie O'Donnell through a Dim Sum buffet. Chiggy takes Lick Poo into custody and escorts him to the helicopter.


05:26:33 to 05:36:22
Jack Jr is still fighting off ZCB. "Get your hands off me you filthy pervert." ZCB has two words for him, "Ball gag!" But then, Jack Jr. gets a hold of the gun. "Who's the gimp now, bitch!" He caps his grandpa, but doesn't kill him. Then, Jack shows up a little too late, like Clinton in Rwanda. "Son,... I mean, Naphew, lower the gun." Jack Jr lowers the gun and Jack takes him into his strong manly arms. Jack orders him to get to the helicopter. Jack tries to get ZCB to come to the chopper, but ZCB decides he'd rather die as he lived... covered with grease and still hurting from a young boy's rejection.

Jim Jones gives the strike order. Chiggy lifts off in the helicopter, then swings around to pick up Jack. The F-18's loose their missiles just as Jack grabs the helicopter's rope ladder. The oil rig explodes like four male models in a tragic gasoline fight accident.

As they near the beach, Jack lets go of the rope ladder and falls into the sea, but he appears to be all right and he still has his man purse.

'24' stops at this point. The next twenty minutes are actually an episode of 'General Hospital' that somehow got spliced in by mistake.

05:40:45 to 06:00:00
With the oil platform destroyed, and the Russians pull back their troops. Jim Jones laments to Weasel Cage. "Me no want deal with Chinese. Me sleepy." Weasel Cage tells him, "You have to forgive Frau Blucher and Chiggy, or you'll never recover from amnesia or win the respect of your long-lost son and your two-timing traitor of a mistress." Jim Jones agrees.

Al Bundy visits with RPF in the infirmary. "I'm knocked up," RPF says, "It's Jack's." Al Bundy asks, "But how, Jack was in a Chinese prison?" RPF answers, "I saved some hair and nail clippings and had his DNA implanted into one of my eggs." Al Bundy says, "That's like, super-creepy, but I'll help you get through this." "I think I also have amnesia," RPF adds.

Jack Jr and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are reunited and happily begin planning Rocket Romano's funeral. Chiggy turns a bloodied Lick Poo over to CTU custody, but Lick Poo vows "I will have my vengeance on you! Ha-Ha!" Then, Chiggy shakes hands with Scooter Fuqya, but she doesn't remember who he is because she has amnesia.

Jack pays a visit on Penisnose's father so he can give his 'Emmy clip' speech: "You were like a father to me... and you took advantage of it. You said I was cursed. That hurt me inside. But what hurt worse was the way you let me rot in a Chinese prison." Penisnose's daddy shrugs, "Sucks to be you," Jack continues, "Your daughter came to China to get me. She understands commitment. I want my life back." Penisnose's Daddy gives in, "OK, you can have your stupid life back."

Jack enters Penisnose's bedroom and takes her hand. "Hello, it's me. I know I promised to take care of you and protect you, but I'm at a crossroads.So, goodbye." Fortunately, Penisnose is unconscious and can't deliver any dialog. Jack kisses her on the forehead then leaves.

Fade to Black.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 04:00 AM and 05:00 AM

04:00:00 to 04:15:02
Ricky Stratton explains the situation to Jack Junior, "Our paranoid psychotic vice president has agreed to swap you to your decrepit, mincing pedophile of a grandfather. But no worries. I'm gonna get you back. I'm Ricky Stratton. That's what I do. I act like a a complete asshole, then I redeem myself. Wanna fight about it?"

Jack calls Russet Potato Face, and she fills him in on the details, vis-a-vis turning Jack Junior over to Zephram Cochrane Bauer. Jack remembers all-too-well those late-night visits to his and Rocket Romano's bedrooms. "Dammit, Chloe, we need to stop this." Jack calls Frau Blucher, who tries to talk Weasel Cage into changing the VP's mind. Weasel Cage is no help, protesting "My relationship with the vice president is complicated," meaning he also knows what it's like to hear the door creak in the dark of the night and bite into his pillow, softly sobbing, "Why, daddy, why?"

Back in Cali, the FBI is poring through Chiggy Killer's house, even going through his family albums, which Chiggy objects to: "Hey! Those are personal." FBI agent: "Is that naked guy in the black socks and the rubber mask you?" Chiggy: "None of your business!" Chiggy ignores Frau Blucher when she calls at first, but eventually picks up the phone. "Hey, hon, I know I threw you under the bus, but now you gotta help Jack keep Jack Junior from getting kidnapped by that Old Dirty Bastard." Chiggy wonders what how the Wu-Tang Clan figures into this.

Back on the beach, the aforementioned dirty old pervert calls Ricky Stratton's cell phone. "Turn off the satellite. My mole is telling me everything." CTU turns off the satellite feed, then he orders Ricky to send the chopper away. Zephram Cochrane tells him to wait there and chill, and he'll send somebody, and suggests a cook-out or perhaps a clam bake to help pass the time.

04:19:25 to 04:26:57
Ricky Stratton tells Scooter Fuqya: "When I've confirmed the chip is real, I'm gonna rescue the kid." Scooter tells him to screw the kid, not realizing the irony.

Frau Blucher calls Scooter and gets to track Jack as he's hauled off to CTU's version of Club Gitmo. She passes the info on to Chiggy. Meanwhile, in the clink, Patsy Ramsey Bauer is having an episode and already garroted two CTU security guards. So, Scooter lies to her, then sends in a Heavy Duty Tactical Team to subdue her. Al Bundy calls Ricky to tell him he thinks he's doing the right thing. Ricky replies, "Al, the next time I want your opinion, I'll knock out all your teeth with the butt of my pistol and make you choke them down your throat."

Chiggy runs the SUV with Jack in it off the road. Jack quickly gets one of his guards guns, handcuffs him to the steering wheel, and then cold cocks hims. Then, while Chiggy distracts the other guard with smarmy talk about the Constitution, Jack cold cocks him, too. Then, the new team of Bacardi and Old Grand Dad hop into Chiggy's pick-up as banjo music plays.

04:31:23 to 04:38:02
Bacardi and Old Grand Dad speed toward the rendezvous. About then, Frau Blucher loses her access to the network and Jim Jones's jackbooted thugs haul her away to detention.

Back at the beach, Jack Jr. begs not to be traded to his grandfather. "He likes to smear my naked body with olive oil and Parmesan cheese and dance around me chanting 'When you're here, you're family.'"

"Sucks to be you," Ricky Stratton shrugs.

04:41:25 to 04:48:36
Ricky Stratton gets another call from ZCB. "You got my muscly armed grandson?" "Yes," Ricky tells him. ZCB orders him to move toward the water. ZCB's goons pull up to the beach in a Zodiac-type boat. Ricky Stratton goes out to meet them. The goon hands him the fake circuit board, which explodes in his face. The goons grab Jack Jr and hustle him into the boat just as Bacardi and old Grand Dad reach the beach. Jack calls CTU and lets them know that for something like the 6,000th time, they were wrong again. CTU being only slightly less competent than FEMA.

04:53:02 to 04:59:59
Weasel Cage lets Jim Jones know that he screwed up and lost both the kid and the circuit board. Jim Jones is bereft. "Me bad vice president. Me screw up everything."

Jack remembers that ZCB's Evil company is actually Halliburton, and thus deduces that ZCB must be taking the boy to an oil platform for some "Offshore drilling." Indeed, ZCB is waiting on an oil platform with Lick Poo. He calls out the Chinaman, "You screwed up, but I still think China is my future." "Oh,bitch bitch bitch..." Lick Poo replies.

Back at CTU, RPF passes out to set up an exceedingly obvious plot "twist."

Tick-Tock

Monday, May 21, 2007

24 - Season Finale - Live Blog

Viewer discretion is advised

4:00am - Let's get it on....tck...tck...

"we are going to recover you...here's a tracking device"... Young Bauer obviously has never watched 24.

Jack in "temporary custody" which means until the next disaster happens or he busts out.

In Soviet Union, component has you

Jack Bauer riding in the back seat... $40 says he commandeers the vehicle.

Did Doyle just call Josh...Jack?

4:15 Commercial Break

Are you a card member?

Discussion: The Simpsons 24 episode. Funny or not?


4:19am

Josh is Doyle's kid.

There are pissed off Bauer's all over the damn place. "We just used your son as bait, calm down". Patsy has exposed the downfall of CTU, not years of moles and inept security. CTU will be brought down by something far worse than terrorists....lawyers.

Someone owes me $40. When will CTU learn? You cannot detain Jack Bauer, ever.


4:27 - Commercial Break

How much do I like 24? I had surgery this morning and am still woozy from anesthesia.

As sure as finding moles at CTU, Fox's summer lineup is full of duds.

4:31

Who is dat hugging Chloe? House? Ohh, Milo has a brother.

Karen, sort of a mole. How would you classify that one?

"Milo talked about you, I hear you never smile"

Ok, even though it is Milo's brother...with a national security crisis and CTU already being attacked once, why let him in the building? ...and he is gone.

Jack is on the way.... "DAMMIT" - Doyle is learning quick.

4:38 - Commercial Break

I should go ahead and mention that it's almost 45 minutes past the hour, so get your kill counters ready.

Discussion: With the Transformers movie on the way, when is the GoBots movie going to come out?

Did Donkey on that Shrek commercial just say "pussy"?

4:41

Jack and Buchanan =
Bacardi and Scotch.

"Take Josh and go to the water...and cut off his arm with that rusty ax"

It's a dingy....

BANG.... The exploding sub circuit board, classic.

Doyle: "The component was a fake it blew"
Jack: "That's what she said"

Agent Reynolds is a hottie.

4:52 - Commercial Break

Miss Blogs4Bauer update:
Nadia (26%)

Kim (26%)
We have a tie for the second slot.

4:5something, sorry I had to let the dog in.

Something for you to look at while we get spoon fed filler.


Oil platforms owned by Mr. Bauer? MORE BLOOD FOR OIL!!!!

Chloe is down!!!!!

4:59....5:00 - Commercial Break

Hour 24.....More killer, less filler.

5:00am

I think Chloe finally caught a lethal case of carpel tunnel syndrome.

We need a nickname for Chloe's doctor.

Chloe is fine, except that Morris is pissing her off.

Oil platform 6 miles off shore. Does CTU own a navy?

Confederates? Did the south rise again Mr. Lennox?

Let me ask something. If Russia is about to start WWIII...who gives a shit about a snot-nosed little kid?

Jack is going to take the chopper....classic.

5:10 - Commercial Break
Ok, raise your hand if Jack Bauer has NOT pointed a gun at you this season?

Who gives a shit about Josh? So we can risk a war with Russia so we can save that bastard? Nuke them all, let Jack sort them out.

5:14

Jack is racing a pair of F-18s. Jack and Bill's excellent adventure.

Daniels just said "SUBARU"!!

In Soviet Russia, Bombs platform you!

Damn that helicopter is fast.

BANG BANG 1234 5 6 7
6 by gunshot
1 by explosion

Jack Bauer with a gun x 6 (6 points)
Jack Bauer with explosives (1 point)
6 kills-in-1 (12 Points)
Total - 19 points


"You're too rate"

5:20 - Commercial Break

Useless Fox5NY 24 Story - New York to get it's own Jack Bauer. NYC will soon get a CTU-like organization to keep us safe. In other words, we are so screwed.

5:26

BANG 1--2
Jack Bauer with a gun x 2 (2 points)
2 kills-in-1 (+2 points)
Subtotal = 23 Points

SHOOT HIM.....BOOOYA SHOOT HIM AGAIN

Josh get's partial credit for killing gramps.

"We cannot leave without my....dad"

SHOOOOOSH! BANG BOOM BIGGER BOOOM, BANG Boom SHOOSH BANG

In Soviet Russia, state sees what you see

23 1/2? What gives?

Jack is down, again. Never mind he is all right. He just wanted to do some body boarding.

5:36 - Commercial Break

I do not understand? Is Jack going to just walk back?

NY - 6
Boston - 1
6th Inning

5:40

We still have a Chinese sub off the coast of California. However the last 18 minutes are going to be filler. DAMMIT

AHHH Chloe is having a little geek. "That is usually how it works...let's not say anything stupid"

Since Chloe is pregnant, does that mean she is not going to be around next season?

BOWER...I love that guy/stereotype.

"You will never find Jack, let him go"... How many times does 24 end that way?

Here it comes... Jack is your father...

Jack is going to spend the next 1o minutes playing footsie with Audrey's dad? Weakest ending yet. That is saying a lot. There have been some pretty weak endings, Jack walking to Mexico comes to mind. However, Jack swimming and walking to threaten Audrey's dad is pretty l-a-m-e.

Come on Jack, Shoot her. Put us out of our misery.

Good Ending: Nina shooting Teri Bauer
Good Ending: President Palmer getting hit with a virus (silent clock)
Bad Ending: Jack walking to Mexico after faking his death
Awful Ending: Jack playing with his vegetables.

SILENT CLOCK?

WHAT THE HELL? The silent clock is to mark the death of this show. What a pathetic ending. Booooo.

I had farts that held more meaning then the season finale of 24.

"January 2008: The best season yet". Hell, they should have apologized for this season instead.

Cougar Bait Returns Tonight

Don't forget that tonight is the night Kim Bauer returns, according to Manny Coto.

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Josh is not your son, he's ours
by: The 1993 Denver Broncos

Face it kid, your mom's a slut.

Chloe Appreciation Day

SVC Alumnus Blogger wants you to appreciate Chloe today. Check out his post on Chloe O'Brian Appreciation Day to see how you too can appreciate Russet Potato Face today.

I plan on having some tasty French..uhh Freedom Fries this afternoon. I may even throw a vote in her direction in the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest.

Note: This is not to be confused with Jack Bauer Appreciation Day.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Finale

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

So the whole season and the fate of the bake sale comes down to if Bart can disarm the stink bomb. Wait, wrong show.
So the whole season and the fate of the world comes down to whether Jack can secure the chip from his father and save his son. Will Tony come back and save the day? Will Josh finally learn the truth about his uncle/dad? Will Jack and his complicated Kill Counter configuration be back for next season?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hours 23-24. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points
Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)
glockspeak (4 points)
nicky (4 points)
Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points
Winner: The Man (0 Points)
Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)

Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)
Week 16 (Hour 20): 0 Points
Winners:
Joshua Gross, pickett, randomdan
Week 17 (Hour 21): 15 Points
Winner: None
Week 18 (Hour 22): 19 Points
Winner: Palm Boy (sorry guy)
Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes
(2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +8 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
17. Killed 5 more guys (5 points +10 combo) - compiled by Steveggg

18. Killed 2 Chinese guys with a gun and one with a gun strap (2 points + 2 points + 6 combo)
19. Killed 3 more Chinese guys with his gun (3 points + 6 combo)

Friday, May 18, 2007

24 Caption Contest


Caption this scene from 24.

Make sure you make your vote(s) count for the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Carnival of Bauer!!!



The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at Remote Access. Go check it out!

Next week we have a 2 hour Carnival Season Final hosted here at Blogs4Bauer.

JACK BAUER - Speed Painting by Nico Di Mattia

Check this out.



I did a little speed drawing in Paint. What do you think?

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Josh Isn't Your Son, He's Mine
by Larry Birkhead

Let me begin by pointing out that my potency is legendary.

Here's how it was. I hooked up with Marilyn Bauer at the CTU ball about 14 years ago. Now, Marilyn isn't my usual piece of trim. She's not blond, she has an IQ above room temperature, and her boobs, I suspect, were the real deal. But pickin's were slim. It was hit that or hit Karen Hayes.

So, I said to her, "Hey, baby, is your name Visa? 'Cos you are everywhere I wanna be." Then, I spit on her and told her she should get out of those wet clothes. She told me Rocket Romano was having trouble getting off the launch pad and invited me to follow her into the ladies room. I worked her like an illegal immigrant landscaper. She was barking like a dog before you could say, "O-lay."

Granted, it was kind of like tossing a hot dog into the Holland Tunnel, but Ol' Larry got the job done. Then, I wiped off my crank with her panties and told her I'd call her.

Then, I shtupped Karen Hayes.

Nine months later, boom, along came Josh.

How much is Phil Bauer worth, anyway? I mean, selling nukes to terrorists, that's gotta be a pretty nice chunk of change, right. And if he goes down, the money would go to his grandson most likely, right?

Just sayin'... hypothetically.


Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly




Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

Josh, I'm really sorry you had to hear about this today, but your father is not Jack Bauer. Your father is not that bald-headed guy who got 12,000 people nuked, he is not the gardener that your mommy used to have. Your father is not a once-promising golfer, who only has 16 PGA Pro wins in a 20 year career and who's a drunk. Who's your daddy? I am. Now get in the helicopter and stop looking so depressed, we have quite a bit to talk about.

There has been a lot of discussion on what I was doing in Denver the past few years. Well Josh, I don't know how to put this - so here goes. I was doing your mom.

Get that scowl off your face, your mother and I met at the CTU Ball around 14 years ago. She was there with Jack; her husband (the guy you assumed was your father) was away on business. John Daly was also there as a guest speaker. Well Josh, during the ball we got a little hammered and the next thing we all know, well... Let's just say that it was a night that your mother, myself, Jack Bauer, George Mason, the bus boy, Edgar Stiles, the bathroom attendant, and John Daly will never forget.

Nine months later, you were born. Son.

I can understand why you would not trust me, epically after what you have been through today. But just look at the photo with my childhood photo. We even wore the same gay sweater/button-up shirt combo. How cute is that?

Well once we get done using you as a pawn to prevent a war with Russia in Central Asia by bartering you to an old geezer who thinks you are his grandson and wants to take you to China in return for a circuit board, I'd like to maybe play catch or take you on in a game of Monopoly. Hell, we can even take ride on my miniature electric train!

Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly

A Presidential Ticket With Some Firepower

They've gotta be better than Hillary/Obama, right?

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly

Look, Jack, I know you have a special Jedi/Padawan relationship with your (ahem) "nephew" Josh. And, as part of my paternity agreement with Marilyn Bauer, I have not interfered in my son Josh's life. (Who knew golfers could land such hot groupies? Everyone on the Tour referred to her as "The Ball Washer.") But, I cannot stand by any longer while you, and the idiots at CTU, play God with Josh's life. GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!

Jack, first you come barging into Josh's home with guns blazing, then torture and kill Josh's adopted father in his own study! What did you think that would do to my son's emotional stability? Cripes, look at me! Don't you think the obsessive-compulsive eating disorder gene has been passed on to my son? Do you want to see him trolling the streets, selling himself for some Clark bars? Because I sure don't!

Then, you transport Josh to the "safety and security" of CTU Headquarters. Are you on the "horse" again? CTU HQ is about as safe as a cold beer in my golf cart. This place gets invaded more often than Paris Hilton's underpants! I almost expected Marilyn's frantic phone call after some Asian assassins stole Josh from your steely grasp. Next time, think before you act. But, then again, thinking has not always been your strong suit.

Finally, you pull off one of your "miracle" saves after eliminating said assassins. Of course, this was after Milo Pressman was shot in the pumpkin. Way to go, hero! You then lose Cheng, the lead to the Russian nuclear schematics, and your self-respect. Well, at least you retrieved my son.

But wait! You had my son safe and secure for about 35 seconds. That's more time than it takes me to finish a 72-ounce steak! The last thing Marilyn told me was that your own co-workers were kidnapping him and dragging him off to his grandfather. You know, the grandfather who's a psychotic sociopath? I heard they are going to trade MY SON for the Russian component!!!

Good work, Jack. Maybe James Heller was right: everyone who gets near you gets dead.

Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Final Four

Welcome back to the First Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. We have narrowed down the field from a field of 16 down to 4 lovely ladies of 24. Who will go on to the finals, that will be determined by you.

You can throw out your brackets because this is going to be a cat fight.

Below you will find the final four ladies in the contest, you will also find a poll. You can vote for your 2 favorite ladies, the top 2 will go on to the Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship.

Championship potential match-ups
Chloe/Nadia - CTU Office Hottie
Nina/Nadia - Battle of who smiles less
Chloe/Nina - Scowl-a-palooza 2007
Kim/Nadia - Hommina Hommina
Nina/Kim - Payback is a bitch (or two)
Chloe/Kim - Brains against beauty





Which two ladies should move on to the Championship?
Chloe
Nina
Kim
Nadia



Click Here for results


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 03:00 AM and 04:00 AM

03:00:00 to 03:08:45
An amber alert is issued for Jack Bauer Jr as Hung Lo's subordinate, Chu Dong, takes the boy out of CTU and into the tunnel. Patsy Ramsey Bauer is so upset she looks like she could strangle a small child. Hung Lo divides the surviving CTU people into two groups, Group A and the Fighting Mongooses. As they are marched into Panic Rooms, Jack sees an opportunity and beats the crap out of a Chinese Guard to get his gun, then starts shootin' up the place like Ryan O'Neal. After killing off most of Hung Lo's men, Jack personally chokes Hung Lo to death, then breaks his neck. He is only prevented from pissing on the corpse when Ricky Stratton shows up and blows down a couple of Chinese pirates himself and announces CTU is secure. Ricky Stratton asks Awana Fuqya if there were any casualties. "Nope, nobody... oh, except Kemper." Then, Awana Fuqya realizes she is bummed about that. Russet Potato Face (Chloe) comforts her. "Let's go make out behind the servers."

03:13:04 to 03:20:52
In the sewers, Bacardi (Jack) and Light Beer (Stratton) chase Chu Dong. In the background, a creepy voice calls out, "Hey-y-y-y-y-y you-u-u-u-u g-u-u-u-u-ys!". Lick Poo is waiting at the end of the tunnel with a cell phone for Jack Junior. Zephram Conchrane Bauer is on the other end. "I'm gonna take you to China," he tells Jack Jr. Jack Jr will have none of it. "A few hours ago you pointed a gun at my head and threatened to kill me." Zephram Cochrane: "Well, you walked in front of the TV during Matlock you muscly-armed little bastard."

Lick Poo orders his men to get Jack Jr in the car and proceed to the rendezvous, explaining that Chinese men have small penises and Lick Poo is afraid of Jack's large American penis. But Bacardi and Light Beer show up in time to shoot out the tires in Lick Poo's SUV. Lick Poo grabs Jack Jr and makes a run for it. Jack chases them to the roof where Jack Jr gets away from Lick Poo. Jack corners Lick Poo on a catwalk, but Jack Junior is hanging on for dear life below him. Jack rescues the boy, but Lick Poo escapes. Jack Jr tells his "uncle" what his grand-dad's plan was: "He said he was going to take me to China. or maybe it was Bahrain. But I don't want to live with grandpa, he makes me do push-ups in my underwear while he watches gladiator movies." Jack promises he'll never let that happen. (Snicker.)

03:25:14 to 03:35:17
Back in DC, Weasel Cage watches on Daniel Jackson's WebCam as the Russian spy slams the salami into Ann Coulter. "That's it! Slam it home for ol' Johnny!" he exclaims. When they finish, she excuses herself. "I need to purge. I touched a molecule of food earlier." Daniel Jackson makes ready to send her emails to the Russians, but then he doesn't. When she comes out of the bathroom, he goes from Daniel Jackson to Jackson Browne and starts beating on her like Darryl Hannah. Weasel Cage and some secret service guys bust in and pull DJ off her. Weasel gives him a choice, send the phony documents or die... eventually... after 20 or 30 years of appeals.

Lick Poo calls Zephram Cochrane and informs him that he failed to acquire his grandson. Bauer curses him out in his native language. "No glandson, no chippee! You savvy?" Lick Poo protests, "I lost many men trying to get your grandson." Zephram Cochrane is unimpressed. "Like you don't have a billion more."

03:39:43 to 03:50:12
Some middle-aged dorks from the CTU CYA Department show up to begin the process of blaming everything that went wrong on Awana Fuqya, whose new nickname is "Scooter." Fuqya is still bummed about Kemper being all dead and stuff. Al Bundy tries to comforts her. Then, she and Chloe make out behind the servers.

Weasel Cage calls JJ, lets him know the fake emails have been emailed to the Russians, and, oh yeah, Ann Coulter suffered a severe loss of oxygen to the brain. How bad is it? JJ wants to know. Really bad, Weasel Cage tells him, "Michael Schaivo and Jack Kevorkian just showed up with a lawyer and a rubber pillow."

JJ calls President Subaru, and tries to fake out the Russian president. But, President Subaru was so paranoid he was spying on his own spy, and knows that the documentation provided by Dan Rather, I mean, Daniel Jackson, was fake. Subaru gives JJ two hours to prove the chip was destroyed, or he'll strike the American military base.

03:54:55 to 03:59:59
Weasel Cage gets a mysterious phone call and takes JJ and Frau Blucher out of the Oval Office. The call is from Zephram Cochrane Bauer. He offers JJ a deal: "I want my grandson and clear passage to the country of my choice, a mickey mouse outfit, some handcuffs, a pair of slim-cut buttless leather chaps, and some popsicles. Mmmm, popsicles." JJ says he'll think about it.Frau Blucher is appalled, but Weasel Cage is ready to sell Jack Jr's ass to save his own. He calls CTU.

Jack is escorting Jack Jr to "safety" when he once again falls for the "there's a call for you Mr. Bauer" distraction. Jack picks up the phone and as he is in the middle of explaining that he doesn't have Prince Albert in the can, Ricky Stratton grabs Jack Junior and loads him into a helicopter while a bunch of CTU goons hold Jack back.

Tick-Tock

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (5/17). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (5/16).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Remote Access. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!

Liveblogging 3-4am



If Jack Bauer was on HEROs what would his power be? Discuss.

Remember, I did not see 24 last week so some of these subplots are new to me.

The following WILL take place between 3-4AM
-Jack will kick some ass - Check
-Jack will find out Josh is his son.

3:05AM - CTU erupts in gunfire. The producers of 24 look at their watches and wonder why there is action 40 minutes earlier than usual.

Jack with a gun (x2)
Jack with the strap of a gun. (2 Points)

Commercial Break
Jack Bauer on The Simpsons next week!

3:14AM
-Worst grandparent ever. "Imagine how much Sesame Chicken we can eat"

More shooting, is this 24?

Jack with a gun (x2)
(x3)


It's over Chang, Jack means it Dammit.

For all that Jack Bauer does, you would think he would have some kids that don't need a nanny just to avoid mountain lions and such.

Question, are we counting this as the same combo or a new one?
-This is a new combo. I need to take off my shoes to count all the bodies.

3:20 - Commercial Break
I need a smoke break, this 24 is intense. Espically since I didn't see last week's episode and I don't smoke.

More on The Simpsons


Sunday night, May 20th, the Simpsons will air their 400th and season finale
episode. Called “24 Minutes”, this event will be done in 24 style complete with
multi frames and nerve-wracking ticking. Guest stars Kiefer Sutherland and Mary
Lynn Rajskub will play their Monday night alter egos, Jack Bauer and Chloe
O’Brian.
3:33AM

I guess Lisa Miller's boy toy lasts longer the second time around. Now he needs to diddle on her PDA.

Back to Zephram, don't you think Jack Bauer Jr. would stand out a bit in China...being blonde and all?

Miller's boy toy has some strange pillow talk. He's like you are lying...she's like ok 'you have a small penis'. He's like "oh snap".

Weasel is like "Let's call an ambulance...but make them wait awhile...I want to uhhhh debrief Ms. Miller....alone".

Mr. BOWER!!! Hooked on Phonics wants their product back Mr. Chang...

3:35 - Commercial Break

Miss Blogs4Bauer update
Chloe (52%)
Marilyn Bauer (48%)
The Final Four will air this week with the final matchup coming next week.

24 may be over next week, but Fox has plenty of crap for you to watch until Prison Break returns

3:39AM

"Yassir" "Yes Sir"


VtheK needs a nickname for this Division Tool. How about "Buggers"? Morris sucks at mocking people.

My wife is watching the series finale of King of Queens...the main couple (I guess the King and Queen of Queens) got divorced. Sorry for the spoiler.

Daniels - "What were you doing while this was going on"
Tom - "Probably cleaning off the keyboard, sir"

The subcircuit board is still missing, I guess we can guess what Jack will be doing for the next 2 hours.

Here it comes: Jack is your father


Lawhawk - Hmmm.. a nickname for the division guy?
Bob Slidell... because he's into tps reports.
President Suburu is a real jerk. What is it with the Russians these days? First PootiPoot and now Suburu.

2 Hours to meet the deadline! It is a good thing Jack has 2 hours left in the day otherwise we'd be screwed.

Commercial Break
Diet Pepsi 90210 commercial = lame. Jack Bauer would totally win the staring contest with the asian kid....he'd make the kid's eyes bleed. Oral B....Olive Garden - the Taco Bell of Italian food...House has a hard case to crack....Acura tunes organs from their cars and offers 1.9% APR...Panasonic for people who are clumsy....NY Lottery - for suckers....SAAB made from crappy Cold War era jets...
Fox5NY Useless 24 Story - THERE IS NO USELESS STORY TONIGHT!!!

3:54

What did Daniels just say?

Philip Bauer is on the phone
-What is it?
It is a telecommunications device that connects people, but that is not important right now.

Philip Bauer has made more deals today than Jerry Maguire.

Uncle Jack....Uncle Jack....Son....Son.....Doyle....JOSH.....

3:59....4:00

Awards for this episode:
-TOP 5 Episode of 24
-Earliest Kill by Jack Bauer
-First Kill by Morris
-Worst commercial (Pepsi)

Next Week: Explosions, Jack, Josh...Man it will be a doozy.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 18

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Big thanks goes out tbRight&Early for jumping in and hosting last week's fiesta. I did not get to watch last week's episode, I had a funeral to attend and we don't have TiVO. Apparently the whole season of 24 has sucked and last week was the best episode ever. Dammit.

This week it looks like Jack Bauer Jr. is in trouble and Jack is going to rescue one of his siblings, again. Wouldn't you love to read some of the Father's Day cards at the Bauer household?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 21. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points
Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)
glockspeak (4 points)
nicky (4 points)
Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points
Winner: The Man (0 Points)
Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)

Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)
Week 16 (Hour 20): 0 Points
Winners:
Joshua Gross, pickett, randomdan
Week 17 (Hour 21): 15 Points
Winner: None

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)
6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes
(2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +8 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
17. Killed 5 more guys (5 points +10 combo) - compiled by Steveggg

Saturday, May 12, 2007

An Important Message From Beyond The Grave

Hello, I'm Milo Pressman. You may remember me as the greatest hero in CTU history, and I am now communicating with you from beyond the grave. Booooooooooooo! Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. But I did mean to set the record straight on a few things before I can rest in peace.

First of all, I demand that my photo be placed in the CTU Hall of Fame, post haste! Not only did I foil the multiple gunmen earlier today who were trying to kill Marilyn Bauer- when Jack Friggin' Bauer was no where to be seen - but I also took a bullet to the noggin protecting millions and millions of innocents. I'm a God-damned hero. Treat me like one.

Secondly, where is the outrage at my untimely death? I get shot in the pumpkin and after a few gasps, everyone goes about their business? WTF? Don't give me that, "Some Asian jerkass is pointing an automatic weapon at me" nonsense. You people should be in mourning. Every able-bodied CTU employee should sacrifice their lives trying to avenge me. I am your leader. You are my people. And yet, it appears that "my people" are a bunch of pussies. I sure am glad I died for all of you.

And finally, even though every one of them wanted me, what's the deal with the women at CTU? It is obvious that I am the most eligible bachelor roaming these sterilized hallways, and yet I score less often than a certain Philadelphia blogger! Chloe used and abused me, then went rushing to that human cue ball Morris. Audrey Raines said she'd call me right before she went to Japan, and Michelle Dessler was about to consummate our undying love only minutes before she was incinerated outside her residence. I mean, what the hell?!! This is not how you treat a legend!!!

By the way, for the record, I was the greatest lover either Chloe or Nadia ever had. Peace out!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 5


HA-HA I am not Frat Stanrey! I am Frat Lee and I am mole in CTU. You are now my prisoners and no won can stop me! Ha-Ha! Freel my rath. No not rash, rath. No I don't have rats, IT's RRRAAATTHH. Erough of this, who is leader of CTU? Morris? Chloe? Black guy? Ah it's Miro, my favorite.
BANG
No ron can stop Frat Lee Ha-Ha. No Ron..... Ha-Ha.

24 POINT/COUNTERPOINT

Counterpoint: BRAINNNNS!!!
by Zombie Edgar Stiles

Just because I died and became a brain-eating zombie doesn't make me your bitch, Milo.

You know, I didn’t ask to die. I liked my job— they always had donuts and muffins in the lunchroom. I also remember seeing Marianne Taylor’s bra strap once. It was purple. But here you are, making a big stink about your not getting the silent clock treatment. Well, the rumor around the graveyard is that you asked to be killed off. Geez, the least you could have done was become a mole or something. Standing up to protect a woman that wasn’t even attracted to you… well, wait a minute; I’ve done that too. But the point is that you tried to deny your inner geek, you ignored your BRAINNNNSS and now you’re dead.

If I was there when that Chinese bounty hunter asked, “who’s in charge?” I don’t think he’d believe me if I said “Yo, Ping, right here!” See, that’s the advantage of accepting your inner geek. I tried the hair gel thing back in the early 90’s. I looked like a greased-up silverback gorilla. But when I stopped trying to be cool and accepted myself for who I was, I was finally happy. And then the terrorists killed my mom with that nuclear reactor meltdown and I was sad again, but then Chloe talked to me about shooting one of the terrorists and I felt happy again. But Milo, you had to try and break free of the geek club. You had to go after the hottest woman in the office. And look what happened? You got all screwed-up and jealous of some other guy and you broke up with the girl before you even got together! And now you’re just a dead guy with a pimp moustache.

No silent clock for you, loser. Now let me eat that fresh BRAINNNNN of yours!

Point: Where's my silent clock?
by Milo Pressman

24 Caption Contest


Caption Milo's last mistake.

Make sure you vote in the final semifinal match of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest that has Chloe taking on Marilyn Bauer.