Shenanigans Afoot!

This is an outrage! The most dangerous female in the history of this country scores a paltry fourth place in Miss Blogs4Bauer? Unforgivable. It was I who duped Jack Bauer and CTU, not once, but twice! It was I who murdered Jack Bauer's wife Teri - and it wasn't that difficult, either. Does insanity and cold-heartedness mean nothing to you people?

This will not stand. I will seek out Chloe O'Brian, Nadia Yassir, and Kim Bauer. And I will kill them. And their families. From beyond the grave. How is this possible?

Because I am just that damned good.

Chloe - 1st Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer

Congratulations to Chloe O'Brian and her victory over Nadia Yassir in the first annual Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest. We would also like to thank the peanut gallery and the voters who maxed out the number of times they could submit a vote on Mister Poll only to clear their cookies and do it all over again.

Next season we will have the 2nd Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer contest and open it up to the cast and possibly even some 24 fans out there. Yes, Kate Warner and her sister will be included this time.

In the meantime, let's give it up for Chloe O'Brian! Not only is she hot, she can also read those annoying binary clocks, and shoot a gun. So she's a triple threat.


Click here for the completed bracket.

24 Caption Contest

Caption this touching moment from the season finale of 24.

Make sure your vote counts for the Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship between Nadia and Chloe.

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

We have come down to the season finale of The Carnival of Bauer!!! I'd like to thank all the hosts this season and everyone who submitted posts.

Steve from Magic Lamp recaps Hour 23 and Hour 24 in his comprehensive way. Good job recapping every damn episode this season Steve. Now it's time to put down the keyboard and reconnect with your wife and kids.

The Free Geek lists the Top 10 things Jack Bauer Can't Live Without. However, I think that Jack Bauer's copy of Journey's Greatest Hits should have made the list.

You can add Rickey Henderson to the list of people who thought Soul Patch would make a comeback this season. Sorry buddy, this season proved that the silent clock doesn't mean a thing. Rickey recaps the season finale and gives the show a final report card.

Rocinante's Burdens is new to the Carnival, as Jack Bauer never said "better late than never". Anyway, they post a 14-point recap of the last 3 hours of 24.

Amy Vernon of Remote Access is the MVP of the Season 6 - Carnival of Bauer!!!, she laments the lackluster season ending of 24. Hmm... I would go with banal, pablum, prosaic, maybe even vapid. "Lackluster" makes it seem like there might have been some life in the show prior to the season finale. See you next season Amy.

Speaking of Amy, she also posts something for you Soul Patch lovers out there. It appears that Tony almost came back.

Go check out Wyatt's website, he really needs the traffic. He also lamented the prosaic ending of the season and offers up The Top Ten Better Ways To End Day 6.

Fausta's blog is another 24 addict who looks back fondly on Day 4 with hopes that Day 7 is more like the old days and less like Day 6.

Jeff Kouba from Truth v. The Machine is also a 24 fan. He does another recap and tallies up the kills from this season.

Personally I was glad that Day 6 is finally over. So is King Tom, who notes the promise of the start of the season and the banal ending. Tom leaves us with a good recap and a nice haiku:

Jack’s at a crossroads
Let the next day be better
Audrey don’t wake up.

Says Simpleton likes to think of Season 6 as a glass half-full. While the rest of us are bitching because Jack didn't smash the glass and force Heller to drink the shards, Simpleton looks at the season as part of the whole 24 series. This post is a must read.

Do you want to know what happened in CTU-Denver? Well then The Jack Sack is the place for you. Check out his recap of the first hour of a series of CTU-Denver posts.

The guy behind A SVC Alumnus' Blog spends most of his days voting for Chloe on the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. When he's not voting for Chloe, he's making up holidays for Potato Face. Here is how he spent Chloe Appreciation Day. I had surgery, but still managed to eat some French fries.

Well that's it, the Carnival ofBauer!!! will return in 2008. Now, stay tuned for Fox's newest hit "Are You Faster Than a One-legged Gimp".

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

The season finale of the Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (5/24) here at Blogs4Bauer. If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (5/23).

The Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. For weeks we have been working our way to this moment. The first annual Miss Blogs4Bauer championship comes down to one more vote. This time next week, only one 24 hottie will remain.

Previously on MissBlogs4Bauer. After 1,618 votes and 49 comments that veered from the topic and into baseball. Here are the results of the Final Four:


The CTU Office Hottie Matchup


Chloe O'Brian

EXPERIENCE:
CTU – Senior Analyst, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Intelligence Agent, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Internet Protocol Manager, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
BEST BUY - Geek Squad Manager

EXPERTISE:
Has 12,456 friends on Myspace.
Attacks scripts, computer vulnerabilities, intrusion detection, penetration testing, operational security, viruses. Proficiency in Cerberus, Minesweeper, and PlutoPlus.

PATH TO CHAMPIONSHIP:
Hacked into Blogs4Bauer and removed Debbie Pendleton then defeated Michelle Dessler and Marilyn Bauer

PERSONAL:
2 months pregnant, the baby already has a 145 IQ

Nadia Yassir

EXPERIENCE:
CTU - Associate Special Agent in Charge, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Director of Intelligence, Detroit Domestic Unit
CIA – Senior Intelligence Agent
CIA – Intelligence Agent for Middle East Territories

EXPERTISE:
Fluency in Arabic/never smiles

PATH TO CHAMPIONSHIP:
Defeated Dina Araz and Martha Logan

PERSONAL:
Single and a master of her domain

Who should be Miss Blogs4Bauer? Nadia Yassir Chloe O'Brian Click Here for results

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 05:00 AM and 06:00 AM

05:00:00 to 05:10:2
Lick Poo informs Zephram Cochrane Bauer that a submarine is en route to pick them up and take them to some weird island with a smoke monster and a giant three-toed statue that was never really explained.

Ricky Stratton, minus one eye, is led away from the beach. "Yarrrrrgh, mateys, this could be a new look for me, says I. Yar."

Al Bundy tries to get the 411 from the CTU Doc, but the Doc just snarls. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not the information desk."

Scooter Fuqya has found the oil platform. They detect life signs, an approaching boat, and traces of Jesus Juice. She informs the vice president that they have located ZCB. The veep's military adviser advises an air strike. "Blast those heathen Chinee and that sick pervert sicko to Hell." "What about the kid?" Weasel Cage asks. "Yeah, he'll probably be blasted to hell, too." says the General. "Me like idea." says president Jim Jones. "Me give authorization." Everyone agrees, air strikes are cool.

Scooter Fuqya relays this message to Jack. Chiggy and Jack acquire a helicopter using the usual technique.


05:14:33 to 05:22:06
Jim Jones gets on the phone with Russian President Subaru. "Me call air strike against oil platform for to blow up secret chip." The Russians confirm that they'll watch the coverage on the 'F-18 Air Strike' channel, and if the oil platform is blowed up real good, they'll call off the attack. "Thank you. You friend. Jim Jones happy now."

Bacardi and Old Grand Dad call Scooter and ask that the intelligence they need to hit the platform be sent to Jack's PDA (of course). Then they figure out how to stealthily fly a helicopter to the oil platform. But Lick Poo turns out to be the bastard son of Radar O'Reilly and hears them approach.

Jack Junior begs ZCB to let him go. "Shut up your pretty bitch mouth and put on the gimp suit," ZCP orders him. Then, Lick Poo, runs up onto the deck with a dozen funky Chinamen from Funky Chinatown. As Lick Poo is setting them up, Jack is chopping them down, shooting from the hip with an assault rifle. Then Jack shoots up some fuel tanks in a maneuver he calls 'Mongolian Barbecue.' He blows through the Chinese like Rosie O'Donnell through a Dim Sum buffet. Chiggy takes Lick Poo into custody and escorts him to the helicopter.


05:26:33 to 05:36:22
Jack Jr is still fighting off ZCB. "Get your hands off me you filthy pervert." ZCB has two words for him, "Ball gag!" But then, Jack Jr. gets a hold of the gun. "Who's the gimp now, bitch!" He caps his grandpa, but doesn't kill him. Then, Jack shows up a little too late, like Clinton in Rwanda. "Son,... I mean, Naphew, lower the gun." Jack Jr lowers the gun and Jack takes him into his strong manly arms. Jack orders him to get to the helicopter. Jack tries to get ZCB to come to the chopper, but ZCB decides he'd rather die as he lived... covered with grease and still hurting from a young boy's rejection.

Jim Jones gives the strike order. Chiggy lifts off in the helicopter, then swings around to pick up Jack. The F-18's loose their missiles just as Jack grabs the helicopter's rope ladder. The oil rig explodes like four male models in a tragic gasoline fight accident.

As they near the beach, Jack lets go of the rope ladder and falls into the sea, but he appears to be all right and he still has his man purse.

'24' stops at this point. The next twenty minutes are actually an episode of 'General Hospital' that somehow got spliced in by mistake.

05:40:45 to 06:00:00
With the oil platform destroyed, and the Russians pull back their troops. Jim Jones laments to Weasel Cage. "Me no want deal with Chinese. Me sleepy." Weasel Cage tells him, "You have to forgive Frau Blucher and Chiggy, or you'll never recover from amnesia or win the respect of your long-lost son and your two-timing traitor of a mistress." Jim Jones agrees.

Al Bundy visits with RPF in the infirmary. "I'm knocked up," RPF says, "It's Jack's." Al Bundy asks, "But how, Jack was in a Chinese prison?" RPF answers, "I saved some hair and nail clippings and had his DNA implanted into one of my eggs." Al Bundy says, "That's like, super-creepy, but I'll help you get through this." "I think I also have amnesia," RPF adds.

Jack Jr and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are reunited and happily begin planning Rocket Romano's funeral. Chiggy turns a bloodied Lick Poo over to CTU custody, but Lick Poo vows "I will have my vengeance on you! Ha-Ha!" Then, Chiggy shakes hands with Scooter Fuqya, but she doesn't remember who he is because she has amnesia.

Jack pays a visit on Penisnose's father so he can give his 'Emmy clip' speech: "You were like a father to me... and you took advantage of it. You said I was cursed. That hurt me inside. But what hurt worse was the way you let me rot in a Chinese prison." Penisnose's daddy shrugs, "Sucks to be you," Jack continues, "Your daughter came to China to get me. She understands commitment. I want my life back." Penisnose's Daddy gives in, "OK, you can have your stupid life back."

Jack enters Penisnose's bedroom and takes her hand. "Hello, it's me. I know I promised to take care of you and protect you, but I'm at a crossroads.So, goodbye." Fortunately, Penisnose is unconscious and can't deliver any dialog. Jack kisses her on the forehead then leaves.

Fade to Black.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 04:00 AM and 05:00 AM

04:00:00 to 04:15:02
Ricky Stratton explains the situation to Jack Junior, "Our paranoid psychotic vice president has agreed to swap you to your decrepit, mincing pedophile of a grandfather. But no worries. I'm gonna get you back. I'm Ricky Stratton. That's what I do. I act like a a complete asshole, then I redeem myself. Wanna fight about it?"

Jack calls Russet Potato Face, and she fills him in on the details, vis-a-vis turning Jack Junior over to Zephram Cochrane Bauer. Jack remembers all-too-well those late-night visits to his and Rocket Romano's bedrooms. "Dammit, Chloe, we need to stop this." Jack calls Frau Blucher, who tries to talk Weasel Cage into changing the VP's mind. Weasel Cage is no help, protesting "My relationship with the vice president is complicated," meaning he also knows what it's like to hear the door creak in the dark of the night and bite into his pillow, softly sobbing, "Why, daddy, why?"

Back in Cali, the FBI is poring through Chiggy Killer's house, even going through his family albums, which Chiggy objects to: "Hey! Those are personal." FBI agent: "Is that naked guy in the black socks and the rubber mask you?" Chiggy: "None of your business!" Chiggy ignores Frau Blucher when she calls at first, but eventually picks up the phone. "Hey, hon, I know I threw you under the bus, but now you gotta help Jack keep Jack Junior from getting kidnapped by that Old Dirty Bastard." Chiggy wonders what how the Wu-Tang Clan figures into this.

Back on the beach, the aforementioned dirty old pervert calls Ricky Stratton's cell phone. "Turn off the satellite. My mole is telling me everything." CTU turns off the satellite feed, then he orders Ricky to send the chopper away. Zephram Cochrane tells him to wait there and chill, and he'll send somebody, and suggests a cook-out or perhaps a clam bake to help pass the time.

04:19:25 to 04:26:57
Ricky Stratton tells Scooter Fuqya: "When I've confirmed the chip is real, I'm gonna rescue the kid." Scooter tells him to screw the kid, not realizing the irony.

Frau Blucher calls Scooter and gets to track Jack as he's hauled off to CTU's version of Club Gitmo. She passes the info on to Chiggy. Meanwhile, in the clink, Patsy Ramsey Bauer is having an episode and already garroted two CTU security guards. So, Scooter lies to her, then sends in a Heavy Duty Tactical Team to subdue her. Al Bundy calls Ricky to tell him he thinks he's doing the right thing. Ricky replies, "Al, the next time I want your opinion, I'll knock out all your teeth with the butt of my pistol and make you choke them down your throat."

Chiggy runs the SUV with Jack in it off the road. Jack quickly gets one of his guards guns, handcuffs him to the steering wheel, and then cold cocks hims. Then, while Chiggy distracts the other guard with smarmy talk about the Constitution, Jack cold cocks him, too. Then, the new team of Bacardi and Old Grand Dad hop into Chiggy's pick-up as banjo music plays.

04:31:23 to 04:38:02
Bacardi and Old Grand Dad speed toward the rendezvous. About then, Frau Blucher loses her access to the network and Jim Jones's jackbooted thugs haul her away to detention.

Back at the beach, Jack Jr. begs not to be traded to his grandfather. "He likes to smear my naked body with olive oil and Parmesan cheese and dance around me chanting 'When you're here, you're family.'"

"Sucks to be you," Ricky Stratton shrugs.

04:41:25 to 04:48:36
Ricky Stratton gets another call from ZCB. "You got my muscly armed grandson?" "Yes," Ricky tells him. ZCB orders him to move toward the water. ZCB's goons pull up to the beach in a Zodiac-type boat. Ricky Stratton goes out to meet them. The goon hands him the fake circuit board, which explodes in his face. The goons grab Jack Jr and hustle him into the boat just as Bacardi and old Grand Dad reach the beach. Jack calls CTU and lets them know that for something like the 6,000th time, they were wrong again. CTU being only slightly less competent than FEMA.

04:53:02 to 04:59:59
Weasel Cage lets Jim Jones know that he screwed up and lost both the kid and the circuit board. Jim Jones is bereft. "Me bad vice president. Me screw up everything."

Jack remembers that ZCB's Evil company is actually Halliburton, and thus deduces that ZCB must be taking the boy to an oil platform for some "Offshore drilling." Indeed, ZCB is waiting on an oil platform with Lick Poo. He calls out the Chinaman, "You screwed up, but I still think China is my future." "Oh,bitch bitch bitch..." Lick Poo replies.

Back at CTU, RPF passes out to set up an exceedingly obvious plot "twist."

Tick-Tock

24 - Season Finale - Live Blog

Viewer discretion is advised

4:00am - Let's get it on....tck...tck...

"we are going to recover you...here's a tracking device"... Young Bauer obviously has never watched 24.

Jack in "temporary custody" which means until the next disaster happens or he busts out.

In Soviet Union, component has you

Jack Bauer riding in the back seat... $40 says he commandeers the vehicle.

Did Doyle just call Josh...Jack?

4:15 Commercial Break

Are you a card member?

Discussion: The Simpsons 24 episode. Funny or not?


4:19am

Josh is Doyle's kid.

There are pissed off Bauer's all over the damn place. "We just used your son as bait, calm down". Patsy has exposed the downfall of CTU, not years of moles and inept security. CTU will be brought down by something far worse than terrorists....lawyers.

Someone owes me $40. When will CTU learn? You cannot detain Jack Bauer, ever.


4:27 - Commercial Break

How much do I like 24? I had surgery this morning and am still woozy from anesthesia.

As sure as finding moles at CTU, Fox's summer lineup is full of duds.

4:31

Who is dat hugging Chloe? House? Ohh, Milo has a brother.

Karen, sort of a mole. How would you classify that one?

"Milo talked about you, I hear you never smile"

Ok, even though it is Milo's brother...with a national security crisis and CTU already being attacked once, why let him in the building? ...and he is gone.

Jack is on the way.... "DAMMIT" - Doyle is learning quick.

4:38 - Commercial Break

I should go ahead and mention that it's almost 45 minutes past the hour, so get your kill counters ready.

Discussion: With the Transformers movie on the way, when is the GoBots movie going to come out?

Did Donkey on that Shrek commercial just say "pussy"?

4:41

Jack and Buchanan = Bacardi and Scotch.

"Take Josh and go to the water...and cut off his arm with that rusty ax"

It's a dingy....

BANG.... The exploding sub circuit board, classic.

Doyle: "The component was a fake it blew"
Jack: "That's what she said"

Agent Reynolds is a hottie.

4:52 - Commercial Break

Miss Blogs4Bauer update:

		Nadia (26%)
		Kim (26%)

We have a tie for the second slot.

4:5something, sorry I had to let the dog in.

Something for you to look at while we get spoon fed filler.


Oil platforms owned by Mr. Bauer? MORE BLOOD FOR OIL!!!!

Chloe is down!!!!!

4:59....5:00 - Commercial Break

Hour 24.....More killer, less filler.

5:00am

I think Chloe finally caught a lethal case of carpel tunnel syndrome.

We need a nickname for Chloe's doctor.

Chloe is fine, except that Morris is pissing her off.

Oil platform 6 miles off shore. Does CTU own a navy?

Confederates? Did the south rise again Mr. Lennox?

Let me ask something. If Russia is about to start WWIII...who gives a shit about a snot-nosed little kid?

Jack is going to take the chopper....classic.

5:10 - Commercial Break
Ok, raise your hand if Jack Bauer has NOT pointed a gun at you this season?

Who gives a shit about Josh? So we can risk a war with Russia so we can save that bastard? Nuke them all, let Jack sort them out.

5:14

Jack is racing a pair of F-18s. Jack and Bill's excellent adventure.

Daniels just said "SUBARU"!!

In Soviet Russia, Bombs platform you!

Damn that helicopter is fast.

BANG BANG 1234 5 6 7
6 by gunshot
1 by explosion

Jack Bauer with a gun x 6 (6 points)
Jack Bauer with explosives (1 point)
6 kills-in-1 (12 Points)
Total - 19 points


"You're too rate"

5:20 - Commercial Break

Useless Fox5NY 24 Story - New York to get it's own Jack Bauer. NYC will soon get a CTU-like organization to keep us safe. In other words, we are so screwed.

5:26

BANG 1--2
Jack Bauer with a gun x 2 (2 points)
2 kills-in-1 (+2 points)
Subtotal = 23 Points

SHOOT HIM.....BOOOYA SHOOT HIM AGAIN

Josh get's partial credit for killing gramps.

"We cannot leave without my....dad"

SHOOOOOSH! BANG BOOM BIGGER BOOOM, BANG Boom SHOOSH BANG

In Soviet Russia, state sees what you see

23 1/2? What gives?

Jack is down, again. Never mind he is all right. He just wanted to do some body boarding.

5:36 - Commercial Break

I do not understand? Is Jack going to just walk back?

NY - 6
Boston - 1
6th Inning

5:40

We still have a Chinese sub off the coast of California. However the last 18 minutes are going to be filler. DAMMIT

AHHH Chloe is having a little geek. "That is usually how it works...let's not say anything stupid"

Since Chloe is pregnant, does that mean she is not going to be around next season?

BOWER...I love that guy/stereotype.

"You will never find Jack, let him go"... How many times does 24 end that way?

Here it comes... Jack is your father...

Jack is going to spend the next 1o minutes playing footsie with Audrey's dad? Weakest ending yet. That is saying a lot. There have been some pretty weak endings, Jack walking to Mexico comes to mind. However, Jack swimming and walking to threaten Audrey's dad is pretty l-a-m-e.

Come on Jack, Shoot her. Put us out of our misery.

Good Ending: Nina shooting Teri Bauer
Good Ending: President Palmer getting hit with a virus (silent clock)
Bad Ending: Jack walking to Mexico after faking his death
Awful Ending: Jack playing with his vegetables.

SILENT CLOCK?

WHAT THE HELL? The silent clock is to mark the death of this show. What a pathetic ending. Booooo.

I had farts that held more meaning then the season finale of 24.

"January 2008: The best season yet". Hell, they should have apologized for this season instead.

Cougar Bait Returns Tonight

Don't forget that tonight is the night Kim Bauer returns, according to Manny Coto.

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Josh is not your son, he's ours
by: The 1993 Denver Broncos

Face it kid, your mom's a slut.

Chloe Appreciation Day

SVC Alumnus Blogger wants you to appreciate Chloe today. Check out his post on Chloe O'Brian Appreciation Day to see how you too can appreciate Russet Potato Face today.

I plan on having some tasty French..uhh Freedom Fries this afternoon. I may even throw a vote in her direction in the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest.

Note: This is not to be confused with Jack Bauer Appreciation Day.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Finale

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

So the whole season and the fate of the bake sale comes down to if Bart can disarm the stink bomb. Wait, wrong show.

So the whole season and the fate of the world comes down to whether Jack can secure the chip from his father and save his son. Will Tony come back and save the day? Will Josh finally learn the truth about his uncle/dad? Will Jack and his complicated Kill Counter configuration be back for next season?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hours 23-24. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)
nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)
Week 16 (Hour 20): 0 Points
Winners:
Joshua Gross, pickett, randomdan
Week 17 (Hour 21): 15 Points
Winner: None

Week 18 (Hour 22): 19 Points
Winner: Palm Boy (sorry guy)

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)
6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +8 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
17. Killed 5 more guys (5 points +10 combo) - compiled by Steveggg
18. Killed 2 Chinese guys with a gun and one with a gun strap (2 points + 2 points + 6 combo)
19. Killed 3 more Chinese guys with his gun (3 points + 6 combo)

24 Caption Contest

Caption this scene from 24.

Make sure you make your vote(s) count for the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest.

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at Remote Access. Go check it out!

Next week we have a 2 hour Carnival Season Final hosted here at Blogs4Bauer.

JACK BAUER - Speed Painting by Nico Di Mattia

Check this out.

I did a little speed drawing in Paint. What do you think?

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Josh Isn't Your Son, He's Mine
by Larry Birkhead

Let me begin by pointing out that my potency is legendary.

Here's how it was. I hooked up with Marilyn Bauer at the CTU ball about 14 years ago. Now, Marilyn isn't my usual piece of trim. She's not blond, she has an IQ above room temperature, and her boobs, I suspect, were the real deal. But pickin's were slim. It was hit that or hit Karen Hayes.

So, I said to her, "Hey, baby, is your name Visa? 'Cos you are everywhere I wanna be." Then, I spit on her and told her she should get out of those wet clothes. She told me Rocket Romano was having trouble getting off the launch pad and invited me to follow her into the ladies room. I worked her like an illegal immigrant landscaper. She was barking like a dog before you could say, "O-lay."

Granted, it was kind of like tossing a hot dog into the Holland Tunnel, but Ol' Larry got the job done. Then, I wiped off my crank with her panties and told her I'd call her.

Then, I shtupped Karen Hayes.

Nine months later, boom, along came Josh.

How much is Phil Bauer worth, anyway? I mean, selling nukes to terrorists, that's gotta be a pretty nice chunk of change, right. And if he goes down, the money would go to his grandson most likely, right?

Just sayin'... hypothetically.


Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly




Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

Josh, I'm really sorry you had to hear about this today, but your father is not Jack Bauer. Your father is not that bald-headed guy who got 12,000 people nuked, he is not the gardener that your mommy used to have. Your father is not a once-promising golfer, who only has 16 PGA Pro wins in a 20 year career and who's a drunk. Who's your daddy? I am. Now get in the helicopter and stop looking so depressed, we have quite a bit to talk about.

There has been a lot of discussion on what I was doing in Denver the past few years. Well Josh, I don't know how to put this - so here goes. I was doing your mom.

Get that scowl off your face, your mother and I met at the CTU Ball around 14 years ago. She was there with Jack; her husband (the guy you assumed was your father) was away on business. John Daly was also there as a guest speaker. Well Josh, during the ball we got a little hammered and the next thing we all know, well... Let's just say that it was a night that your mother, myself, Jack Bauer, George Mason, the bus boy, Edgar Stiles, the bathroom attendant, and John Daly will never forget.

Nine months later, you were born. Son.

I can understand why you would not trust me, epically after what you have been through today. But just look at the photo with my childhood photo. We even wore the same gay sweater/button-up shirt combo. How cute is that?

Well once we get done using you as a pawn to prevent a war with Russia in Central Asia by bartering you to an old geezer who thinks you are his grandson and wants to take you to China in return for a circuit board, I'd like to maybe play catch or take you on in a game of Monopoly. Hell, we can even take ride on my miniature electric train!

Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly

A Presidential Ticket With Some Firepower

They've gotta be better than Hillary/Obama, right?

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly

Look, Jack, I know you have a special Jedi/Padawan relationship with your (ahem) "nephew" Josh. And, as part of my paternity agreement with Marilyn Bauer, I have not interfered in my son Josh's life. (Who knew golfers could land such hot groupies? Everyone on the Tour referred to her as "The Ball Washer.") But, I cannot stand by any longer while you, and the idiots at CTU, play God with Josh's life. GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!

Jack, first you come barging into Josh's home with guns blazing, then torture and kill Josh's adopted father in his own study! What did you think that would do to my son's emotional stability? Cripes, look at me! Don't you think the obsessive-compulsive eating disorder gene has been passed on to my son? Do you want to see him trolling the streets, selling himself for some Clark bars? Because I sure don't!

Then, you transport Josh to the "safety and security" of CTU Headquarters. Are you on the "horse" again? CTU HQ is about as safe as a cold beer in my golf cart. This place gets invaded more often than Paris Hilton's underpants! I almost expected Marilyn's frantic phone call after some Asian assassins stole Josh from your steely grasp. Next time, think before you act. But, then again, thinking has not always been your strong suit.

Finally, you pull off one of your "miracle" saves after eliminating said assassins. Of course, this was after Milo Pressman was shot in the pumpkin. Way to go, hero! You then lose Cheng, the lead to the Russian nuclear schematics, and your self-respect. Well, at least you retrieved my son.

But wait! You had my son safe and secure for about 35 seconds. That's more time than it takes me to finish a 72-ounce steak! The last thing Marilyn told me was that your own co-workers were kidnapping him and dragging him off to his grandfather. You know, the grandfather who's a psychotic sociopath? I heard they are going to trade MY SON for the Russian component!!!

Good work, Jack. Maybe James Heller was right: everyone who gets near you gets dead.

Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Final Four

Welcome back to the First Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. We have narrowed down the field from a field of 16 down to 4 lovely ladies of 24. Who will go on to the finals, that will be determined by you.

You can throw out your brackets because this is going to be a cat fight.

Below you will find the final four ladies in the contest, you will also find a poll. You can vote for your 2 favorite ladies, the top 2 will go on to the Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship.

Championship potential match-ups
Chloe/Nadia - CTU Office Hottie
Nina/Nadia - Battle of who smiles less
Chloe/Nina - Scowl-a-palooza 2007
Kim/Nadia - Hommina Hommina
Nina/Kim - Payback is a bitch (or two)
Chloe/Kim - Brains against beauty

Which two ladies should move on to the Championship? Chloe Nina Kim Nadia Click Here for results

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 03:00 AM and 04:00 AM

03:00:00 to 03:08:45
An amber alert is issued for Jack Bauer Jr as Hung Lo's subordinate, Chu Dong, takes the boy out of CTU and into the tunnel. Patsy Ramsey Bauer is so upset she looks like she could strangle a small child. Hung Lo divides the surviving CTU people into two groups, Group A and the Fighting Mongooses. As they are marched into Panic Rooms, Jack sees an opportunity and beats the crap out of a Chinese Guard to get his gun, then starts shootin' up the place like Ryan O'Neal. After killing off most of Hung Lo's men, Jack personally chokes Hung Lo to death, then breaks his neck. He is only prevented from pissing on the corpse when Ricky Stratton shows up and blows down a couple of Chinese pirates himself and announces CTU is secure. Ricky Stratton asks Awana Fuqya if there were any casualties. "Nope, nobody... oh, except Kemper." Then, Awana Fuqya realizes she is bummed about that. Russet Potato Face (Chloe) comforts her. "Let's go make out behind the servers."

03:13:04 to 03:20:52
In the sewers, Bacardi (Jack) and Light Beer (Stratton) chase Chu Dong. In the background, a creepy voice calls out, "Hey-y-y-y-y-y you-u-u-u-u g-u-u-u-u-ys!". Lick Poo is waiting at the end of the tunnel with a cell phone for Jack Junior. Zephram Conchrane Bauer is on the other end. "I'm gonna take you to China," he tells Jack Jr. Jack Jr will have none of it. "A few hours ago you pointed a gun at my head and threatened to kill me." Zephram Cochrane: "Well, you walked in front of the TV during Matlock you muscly-armed little bastard."

Lick Poo orders his men to get Jack Jr in the car and proceed to the rendezvous, explaining that Chinese men have small penises and Lick Poo is afraid of Jack's large American penis. But Bacardi and Light Beer show up in time to shoot out the tires in Lick Poo's SUV. Lick Poo grabs Jack Jr and makes a run for it. Jack chases them to the roof where Jack Jr gets away from Lick Poo. Jack corners Lick Poo on a catwalk, but Jack Junior is hanging on for dear life below him. Jack rescues the boy, but Lick Poo escapes. Jack Jr tells his "uncle" what his grand-dad's plan was: "He said he was going to take me to China. or maybe it was Bahrain. But I don't want to live with grandpa, he makes me do push-ups in my underwear while he watches gladiator movies." Jack promises he'll never let that happen. (Snicker.)

03:25:14 to 03:35:17
Back in DC, Weasel Cage watches on Daniel Jackson's WebCam as the Russian spy slams the salami into Ann Coulter. "That's it! Slam it home for ol' Johnny!" he exclaims. When they finish, she excuses herself. "I need to purge. I touched a molecule of food earlier." Daniel Jackson makes ready to send her emails to the Russians, but then he doesn't. When she comes out of the bathroom, he goes from Daniel Jackson to Jackson Browne and starts beating on her like Darryl Hannah. Weasel Cage and some secret service guys bust in and pull DJ off her. Weasel gives him a choice, send the phony documents or die... eventually... after 20 or 30 years of appeals.

Lick Poo calls Zephram Cochrane and informs him that he failed to acquire his grandson. Bauer curses him out in his native language. "No glandson, no chippee! You savvy?" Lick Poo protests, "I lost many men trying to get your grandson." Zephram Cochrane is unimpressed. "Like you don't have a billion more."

03:39:43 to 03:50:12
Some middle-aged dorks from the CTU CYA Department show up to begin the process of blaming everything that went wrong on Awana Fuqya, whose new nickname is "Scooter." Fuqya is still bummed about Kemper being all dead and stuff. Al Bundy tries to comforts her. Then, she and Chloe make out behind the servers.

Weasel Cage calls JJ, lets him know the fake emails have been emailed to the Russians, and, oh yeah, Ann Coulter suffered a severe loss of oxygen to the brain. How bad is it? JJ wants to know. Really bad, Weasel Cage tells him, "Michael Schaivo and Jack Kevorkian just showed up with a lawyer and a rubber pillow."

JJ calls President Subaru, and tries to fake out the Russian president. But, President Subaru was so paranoid he was spying on his own spy, and knows that the documentation provided by Dan Rather, I mean, Daniel Jackson, was fake. Subaru gives JJ two hours to prove the chip was destroyed, or he'll strike the American military base.

03:54:55 to 03:59:59
Weasel Cage gets a mysterious phone call and takes JJ and Frau Blucher out of the Oval Office. The call is from Zephram Cochrane Bauer. He offers JJ a deal: "I want my grandson and clear passage to the country of my choice, a mickey mouse outfit, some handcuffs, a pair of slim-cut buttless leather chaps, and some popsicles. Mmmm, popsicles." JJ says he'll think about it.Frau Blucher is appalled, but Weasel Cage is ready to sell Jack Jr's ass to save his own. He calls CTU.

Jack is escorting Jack Jr to "safety" when he once again falls for the "there's a call for you Mr. Bauer" distraction. Jack picks up the phone and as he is in the middle of explaining that he doesn't have Prince Albert in the can, Ricky Stratton grabs Jack Junior and loads him into a helicopter while a bunch of CTU goons hold Jack back.

Tick-Tock

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (5/17). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (5/16).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Remote Access. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Liveblogging 3-4am

If Jack Bauer was on HEROs what would his power be? Discuss.

Remember, I did not see 24 last week so some of these subplots are new to me.

The following WILL take place between 3-4AM
-Jack will kick some ass - Check
-Jack will find out Josh is his son.

3:05AM - CTU erupts in gunfire. The producers of 24 look at their watches and wonder why there is action 40 minutes earlier than usual.

Jack with a gun (x2)
Jack with the strap of a gun. (2 Points)

Commercial Break
Jack Bauer on The Simpsons next week!

3:14AM
-Worst grandparent ever. "Imagine how much Sesame Chicken we can eat"

More shooting, is this 24?

Jack with a gun (x2)
(x3)

It's over Chang, Jack means it Dammit.

For all that Jack Bauer does, you would think he would have some kids that don't need a nanny just to avoid mountain lions and such.

Question, are we counting this as the same combo or a new one?
-This is a new combo. I need to take off my shoes to count all the bodies.

3:20 - Commercial Break
I need a smoke break, this 24 is intense. Espically since I didn't see last week's episode and I don't smoke.

More on The Simpsons

Sunday night, May 20th, the Simpsons will air their 400th and season finale
episode. Called “24 Minutes”, this event will be done in 24 style complete with
multi frames and nerve-wracking ticking. Guest stars Kiefer Sutherland and Mary
Lynn Rajskub will play their Monday night alter egos, Jack Bauer and Chloe
O’Brian.

3:33AM

I guess Lisa Miller's boy toy lasts longer the second time around. Now he needs to diddle on her PDA.

Back to Zephram, don't you think Jack Bauer Jr. would stand out a bit in China...being blonde and all?

Miller's boy toy has some strange pillow talk. He's like you are lying...she's like ok 'you have a small penis'. He's like "oh snap".

Weasel is like "Let's call an ambulance...but make them wait awhile...I want to uhhhh debrief Ms. Miller....alone".

Mr. BOWER!!! Hooked on Phonics wants their product back Mr. Chang...

3:35 - Commercial Break

Miss Blogs4Bauer update
Chloe (52%)
Marilyn Bauer (48%)
The Final Four will air this week with the final matchup coming next week.

24 may be over next week, but Fox has plenty of crap for you to watch until Prison Break returns

3:39AM

"Yassir" "Yes Sir"

VtheK needs a nickname for this Division Tool. How about "Buggers"? Morris sucks at mocking people.

My wife is watching the series finale of King of Queens...the main couple (I guess the King and Queen of Queens) got divorced. Sorry for the spoiler.

Daniels - "What were you doing while this was going on"
Tom - "Probably cleaning off the keyboard, sir"

The subcircuit board is still missing, I guess we can guess what Jack will be doing for the next 2 hours.

Here it comes: Jack is your father

Lawhawk - Hmmm.. a nickname for the division guy?
Bob Slidell... because he's into tps reports.

President Suburu is a real jerk. What is it with the Russians these days? First PootiPoot and now Suburu.

2 Hours to meet the deadline! It is a good thing Jack has 2 hours left in the day otherwise we'd be screwed.

Commercial Break
Diet Pepsi 90210 commercial = lame. Jack Bauer would totally win the staring contest with the asian kid....he'd make the kid's eyes bleed. Oral B....Olive Garden - the Taco Bell of Italian food...House has a hard case to crack....Acura tunes organs from their cars and offers 1.9% APR...Panasonic for people who are clumsy....NY Lottery - for suckers....SAAB made from crappy Cold War era jets...
Fox5NY Useless 24 Story - THERE IS NO USELESS STORY TONIGHT!!!

3:54

What did Daniels just say?

Philip Bauer is on the phone
-What is it?
It is a telecommunications device that connects people, but that is not important right now.

Philip Bauer has made more deals today than Jerry Maguire.

Uncle Jack....Uncle Jack....Son....Son.....Doyle....JOSH.....

3:59....4:00

Awards for this episode:
-TOP 5 Episode of 24
-Earliest Kill by Jack Bauer
-First Kill by Morris
-Worst commercial (Pepsi)

Next Week: Explosions, Jack, Josh...Man it will be a doozy.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 18

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Big thanks goes out tbRight&Early for jumping in and hosting last week's fiesta. I did not get to watch last week's episode, I had a funeral to attend and we don't have TiVO. Apparently the whole season of 24 has sucked and last week was the best episode ever. Dammit.

This week it looks like Jack Bauer Jr. is in trouble and Jack is going to rescue one of his siblings, again. Wouldn't you love to read some of the Father's Day cards at the Bauer household?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 21. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)
Week 16 (Hour 20): 0 Points
Winners:
Joshua Gross, pickett, randomdan
Week 17 (Hour 21): 15 Points
Winner: None

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +8 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
17. Killed 5 more guys (5 points +10 combo) - compiled by Steveggg

An Important Message From Beyond The Grave

Hello, I'm Milo Pressman. You may remember me as the greatest hero in CTU history, and I am now communicating with you from beyond the grave. Booooooooooooo! Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. But I did mean to set the record straight on a few things before I can rest in peace.

First of all, I demand that my photo be placed in the CTU Hall of Fame, post haste! Not only did I foil the multiple gunmen earlier today who were trying to kill Marilyn Bauer- when Jack Friggin' Bauer was no where to be seen - but I also took a bullet to the noggin protecting millions and millions of innocents. I'm a God-damned hero. Treat me like one.

Secondly, where is the outrage at my untimely death? I get shot in the pumpkin and after a few gasps, everyone goes about their business? WTF? Don't give me that, "Some Asian jerkass is pointing an automatic weapon at me" nonsense. You people should be in mourning. Every able-bodied CTU employee should sacrifice their lives trying to avenge me. I am your leader. You are my people. And yet, it appears that "my people" are a bunch of pussies. I sure am glad I died for all of you.

And finally, even though every one of them wanted me, what's the deal with the women at CTU? It is obvious that I am the most eligible bachelor roaming these sterilized hallways, and yet I score less often than a certain Philadelphia blogger! Chloe used and abused me, then went rushing to that human cue ball Morris. Audrey Raines said she'd call me right before she went to Japan, and Michelle Dessler was about to consummate our undying love only minutes before she was incinerated outside her residence. I mean, what the hell?!! This is not how you treat a legend!!!

By the way, for the record, I was the greatest lover either Chloe or Nadia ever had. Peace out!

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 5

HA-HA I am not Frat Stanrey! I am Frat Lee and I am mole in CTU. You are now my prisoners and no won can stop me! Ha-Ha! Freel my rath. No not rash, rath. No I don't have rats, IT's RRRAAATTHH. Erough of this, who is leader of CTU? Morris? Chloe? Black guy? Ah it's Miro, my favorite.
BANG
No ron can stop Frat Lee Ha-Ha. No Ron..... Ha-Ha.

24 POINT/COUNTERPOINT

Counterpoint: BRAINNNNS!!!
by Zombie Edgar Stiles

Just because I died and became a brain-eating zombie doesn't make me your bitch, Milo.

You know, I didn’t ask to die. I liked my job— they always had donuts and muffins in the lunchroom. I also remember seeing Marianne Taylor’s bra strap once. It was purple. But here you are, making a big stink about your not getting the silent clock treatment. Well, the rumor around the graveyard is that you asked to be killed off. Geez, the least you could have done was become a mole or something. Standing up to protect a woman that wasn’t even attracted to you… well, wait a minute; I’ve done that too. But the point is that you tried to deny your inner geek, you ignored your BRAINNNNSS and now you’re dead.

If I was there when that Chinese bounty hunter asked, “who’s in charge?” I don’t think he’d believe me if I said “Yo, Ping, right here!” See, that’s the advantage of accepting your inner geek. I tried the hair gel thing back in the early 90’s. I looked like a greased-up silverback gorilla. But when I stopped trying to be cool and accepted myself for who I was, I was finally happy. And then the terrorists killed my mom with that nuclear reactor meltdown and I was sad again, but then Chloe talked to me about shooting one of the terrorists and I felt happy again. But Milo, you had to try and break free of the geek club. You had to go after the hottest woman in the office. And look what happened? You got all screwed-up and jealous of some other guy and you broke up with the girl before you even got together! And now you’re just a dead guy with a pimp moustache.

No silent clock for you, loser. Now let me eat that fresh BRAINNNNN of yours!

Point: Where's my silent clock?
by Milo Pressman

24 Caption Contest

Caption Milo's last mistake.

Make sure you vote in the final semifinal match of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest that has Chloe taking on Marilyn Bauer.

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: Where's my silent clock?
by Milo Pressman

Teri Bauer, Edgar Stiles, George Mason, David Palmer, and Ryan Chappelle. What do I NOT have in common with these people? These unimportant people all got silent clocks. I got shot twice today and all I got was this lousy CTU t-shirt. Where's my silent clock?

Let's review, I got shot in the freaking head defending CTU from Chinese terrorists. Bald headed mofo Ryan Chappelle got shot in the head by Jack Bauer. He got a silent clock. I didn't.

Teri Bauer gave birth to Kim Bauer, I'll give her that. But, she sure didn't keep Jack happy, just ask Marilyn and her love child, Josh. She got a silent clock, I didn't.

George Mason flew an airplane into the ground. Come on! It's called gravity, you shouldn't get a silent clock just for not flying. Plus he turned CTU over to Tony, a crackhead. Mason got a silent clock, I didn't.

Edgar Stiles. Enough said. Fat boy got a silent clock that weighed 200 pounds, I didn't.

David Palmer got one....AND HE WASN'T EVEN DEAD! Palmer got a silent clock and returned the next season, I didn't and won't.

It seems like the committee who gives out silent clocks may question where I was for the past seven years. Sure I was at CTU-LA for Day One only to disappear until Day Six, I was transferred to CTU-Denver. You know what happened in Denver, nothing. Denver was really, really boring. The most excitement we had was when Doyle got drunk at a Broncos game and called in a bomb threat.

Excuses are like tactical teams, everyone has one to spare. The facts are that I died protecting CTU. I took a bullet for Marilyn Bauer. I got Nadia to smile. And I deserve a silent clock.

Counterpoint: BRAINNNNS!!!
by Zombie Edgar Stiles

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Sending Dwight an application from CTU was pretty funny.
by Jim Haplert

Don't worry folks, Dwight Schrute will not be heading up your local CTU office. I will be the first to admit that Dwight took things a bit far by declaring war on Great Britain, but I will also be the first to admit not being surprised. I hate to brag but sending Dwight an application from CTU was pretty funny.

Now I probably should have let Dwight in on the prank, but thinking about Dwight storming into CTU and telling everyone his theory that the Brits are behind all of our problems. Dwight about to do something very bold. Bold...is that the right word?

Now sending faxes to Dwight from "future Dwight" was pretty funny. Weighing down his phone with nickels was pretty funny too. Having the office call him "Dwayne" all day was good. However, sending him an application for CTU and then calling him as "Special Agent Lee Castle" inviting him to CTU Training Camp located behind the K-Mart in Scranton was the icing on the cake. A literal Schrute cake.

Now excuse me, Agent Castle has to make a phone call.

Castle: Dwight, there was a mole in CTU! Your cover is blown and the British are onto you.....I don't care if you think you can take them all....I don't care if you have a set of nunchucks....or throwing stars....We need you to strip down to your underwear and enter the K-mart. Once inside, tell the greeter...

Sorry, this might take awhile. What should I tell him to do?

Point: Jack should not let feelings get in the way of killing people. Give me a gun, I will not.
by - Dwight Schrute

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at Tommy Lawyer. Go check it out!

Next week the carnival returns to Remote Access. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Miss Blogs4Bauer Semifinals

Welcome back, I am William Shatner and this is the world famous Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. The contest is nearing the finish line and only a few broads remain. With only a few weeks left to go, who will be Miss Blogs4Bauer?

Last week, Nadia Yassir cut through Martha Logan like a hot scimitar through a cold infidel. Not even a handful of happy pills could pull Martha through that mess. This week we have our final semifinal match with Chloe facing off with Marlyn Bauer.

In Round 1, Chloe downloaded Michelle Dessler in the token division 52%-48% with 1,591 votes cast. Here is what a few of you wrote about RPF:
SVC Alumnus Blogger - I voted for Chloe because I'd like a date with the most gorgeous woman to be on television who knows how to use not just a computer, but a gun

The rest of the 32 comments were a mix of insults and accusations of fraud that made Chloe scowl. There was also a comparison to the 2003 NJ Senate election of Skeletor.

Marilyn Bauer had a cakewalk in Round 1, easily beating Jenny McGill 87% - 13%. Here is what a few of you had to say about the future Ms. Bauer:
Steveggg - Jack just called; he says that if a crackhead makes it to round 2 over the mother of his son, he'll fly the next nuke direct to those responsible, and this time it will explode, dammit.
Lou - This isn't even a contest. I suppose if you've got some sort of drug addict hobbit sister fetish...
Yankz - Samwise's sister looks exactly like Honey Bunny from Pulp Fiction.

Next week we will host the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest.

Click Here for an updated bracket.

Who moves on to the Final Four? Chloe Marilyn Bauer Click Here for results

Today is "Jack Bauer Appreciation Day"

Today, May 9, 2007, is "Jack Bauer Appreciation Day" or "JBAD" for all you cool kids. Like other holidays ("Talk Like Jack Bauer Day", "Break Up With Your Girlfriend Like Jack Bauer Day"), there are some core traditions attached to JBAD, and they are as follows:

1) Give somebody your word. When Jack gives you his word, he's forging an iron-clad bond with you. When you live up to your obligations, you're inching closer to being like Jack.

2) Commandeer a vehicle. This one is always a good time. Let's say you're walking out of Dunkin' Donuts and you realize your car is on the other side of the parking lot. "DAMMIT!" you say to yourself. But right in front of you is some insurance salesman in his brand-spanking new Jeep Liberty. Perfect. Approach the man, announce yourself briefly and inform him that you are commandeering his vehicle. To help sell the urgency of this moment, mutter "I don't have time for this" to yourself, but loud enough for the person to hear. And if you have your hands free at the moment, push the person down to the ground in a firm yet gentle manner. This shows that you're all business, but you're not a sadist.

3) Whisper. Man, I gotta tell ya, when I'm sitting in my office and I hear Emily over the cubicle partition yapping away about some sort of silliness, I feel the Bauer inside me start to rage. Most people do not know how to use their voice effectively. But not Jack. Oh no, he is the master. When Jack is emphatic, he starts to express himself in an urgent yet dignified whisper. So, when you're on the phone with Jill from accounting and she's telling you there is no time in the day to get a budget estimate out on that last-minute project, you better start that whispering, pal. "Jill, if I don't get that estimate before the end of the day people are going to die, do you understand me?" Also, inform Jill that you are a federal agent, and give her your word for good measure (see #1 above).

4) Scream. So, now you've gotten the whispering in and you've drawn people into your sphere of influence. But wait, they're not moving fast enough in following your instructions. Well, that's the moment when you put aside the whispering and start screaming like your pants are on fire. Obviously, you need to start it off with "DAMMIT!" as that is what cuts through all the bullshit of the moment. From there you have to reiterate your instructions with gusto-- "DAMMIT JILL, I NEED THOSE BUDGET ESTIMATES NOW!" Sure, she'll be a little flustered, she may even cry a little, but the only thing poor Jill wants more than a Valium is to get those budget estimates done so you'll stop yelling at her.

5) Don't eat Chinese food today. This one is tough for me personally, because I could eat Chinese food everyday if... ya know, what am I saying? This one isn't that tough at all. Well, anyway, the Chinese government tortured Jack for 18 months (boo!) and they broke Audrey 's brain (yay!) but they stole a vital computer chip that has the Russians crapping their pants (boo!) but they drive American vehicles (yay!). I go back and forth on the Chinese. But because of the whole 18 months of hell that Jack had to endure, I think it makes sense to skip the spare ribs and egg rolls for at least today. Well, if you really wanted to honor Jack, you'd skip ALL food for the day, as he never gets a chance to eat. But that's for the more orthodox followers of Jack Bauer. For the rest of you people, have a taco instead.

Okay, that's JBAD in a nutshell. Sure, it's similar to those other Bauer holidays, but that's just more fun for the rest of us, right? Now go forth and spread the goodness. With these five easy steps, Bauer will be honored properly.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 2:00 am and 3:00 am

02:00:00 to 02:09:03
The words "Everything you touch turns up dead," echo in Jack Bauer's ears as he waits in the bleak CTU holding cell. "By the way," SecDef Heller adds, "Hillary wants to know if you'd like to shake hands with Barack Obama." Jack stews silently in his shame and disgrace, but at least he got to go the bathroom.

Awana Fuqya appears in the holding cell. "Ricky Stratton is leading a Tactical Team into the Bloomfield Copper Factory Dragon Lair. But you can't go, because you have disgraced yourself, and brought dishonor to your family." Jack asks if he could at least make himself useful by sticking around CTU and making coffee for everybody. Awana Fuqya agrees to ask the new CTU head when he gets there.

In CTU ops: Al Bundy: "Bicker. Bicker. Bicker." RPF: "Bicker. Bicker. Shut your pie hole, Shoe Boy!" Al Bundy: "Bicker."

Awana Fuqya addresses Ricky Stratton's tactical team: "I just wanted to say good luck. We're all counting on you. Make it so. Let's be careful out there. And so forth."

Meanwhile, in parallel scene, Lick Poo gives a pep talk to his own men, his lips moving out of synch with his dialog: "You Will be the Fist of the Dragon to carry out my evil plan. Ha-Ha."
Sum Yung Guy asks, "What is your evil plan, master?"
Lick Poo; "It is EVIL, it is so EVIL. It is a bad, bad plan, which will hurt many... people... who are good. I think it's great that it's so bad. Ha-Ha!"

02:13:28 to 02:23:56
Jack Junior and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are watching the news. Jack Junior is despondent. "12,000 dead because of what dad did." Patsy: "But Jack wasn't respons... I mean, don't take it so hard." RPF watches creepily through the window. (Go for it Josh, she's vulnerable.) RPF then tells Patsy that Penisnose is alive, but has the IQ of warm yogurt.

In DC, Weasel Cage presses Ann Coulter to call Daniel Jackson: "OK, we got Dan Rather to forge some memos showing the chip was destroyed. You pass them to Daniel, and he'll pass them to the Ori... I mean the Russians."

Patsy Ransey Bauer visits Jack in the cell. "Sorry I told you Penisnose was dead. So, y'wanna go out for soup or something?" Then Chloe drops in to tell him Ricky Stratton is leading the attack on Lick Poo's Secret Dragon Lair. Jack gets visited by more hot babes in jail than Scott Peterson.

Ricky Stratton and his tactical team prepare to move into the Bloomfield Copper Factory Dragon Lair. They blow open the door and find it empty of course. "Look at these empty boxes, assault weapons, C-4, stun grenades, ... this is an arsenal." "Duh." Ricky Stratton calls CTU: "It looks like the Chinese are either preparing a major assault or planning to host the Source Awards."

Lick Poo's men drop into the sewer led by a vicious bastard with a moustache called 'Hung Lo."
Lick Poo: "Dragon Fist! Prepare to Assault CTU. Ha-Ha!"
Hung Lo: Uhh, water, everywhere. All over me, I'm getting wet. Ha-ha!"

02:28:22 to 02:35:07
As the Dragon Fist prepares to storm CTU from below, CTU attends to business: Al Bundy: "Bicker" RPF: "Bicker Bicker" Al Bundy: "Bicker Bicker Bicker" RPF: "Apology" Al Bundy: "Sappy Platitude" RPF: "Bicker" Al Bundy: "I am never wrong. Just ask Griff."

Back in DC, Ann Coulter meets Daniel at the door and kisses him with feverish tentativeness. Daniel Jackson is suspicious; "Hey baby, you seem tense, and I don't got money for the pizza. How 'bout we work this out?" Ann Coulter: "Oh, you big stud. Me so horny, but first, can I take a shower?" Daniel Jackson protests: "Nah, I like it sweaty and dirty. I wanna strap you to the bed and rub Ragu sapghetti sauce all over you." Weasel Cage listens in to the entire exchange in the back of his limo. "Scuse me, guys... um, I need some privacy for ... um, a few minutes."

Wakka chikka wakka chikka

02:39:32 to 02:45:48
Dragon Fist Army blows open the the underground entrance to CTU while Sum Yung Guy hacks their system. CTU soon devolves into confusion with their technology in major disarray. Al Bundy and RPF are so concerned, they almost forget to bicker.

Hung Lo and the Dragon Fist Army blow away some guards: "You will be dead now. Ha-ha!"

Jack hears the commotion and demands to be let out of his cell. He screams at his guard, "I need to get to the civilians in the lounge. I'm gonna ned a weapon" BUDDA! BUDDA! "Thank you."

Jack shoots a couple of the Dragon Fist army with the dead guard's gun, and then wastes another one comin' down the stairs, which supplies him with a much bigger gun.

Hung Lo and his Dragon Fist Army have taken over the CTU Ops Center. Hung Lo demands to know who is in charge. To protect Awana Fuqya, Kemper claims he is. Hung Lo shoots him

Spoiling the moment entirely, Fox cuts immediately to the cheery "Downtown" commercial.

02:50:14 to 02:59:59
CTU is easily subdued and cowering like the petals of an orchid flower. Ha-Ha!

The Dragon Fist Army hits the lounge and tries to take Patsy and Jack Junior. They don't get very far before Jack Senior shows up and blows them away with his big borrowed gun. Jack Junior escapes through the fan and into the air duct, but the Dragon Fist Army is right behind them and Jack is out of ammo. Jack and Patsy are captured.

Lick Poo screams into his cell phone like Michael Jackson: "Get the boy back. I don't care what you have to do."

Meanwhile, Hung Lo has another problem: "Some guy named Ricky Stratton keeps calling." He puts Awana Fuqya on the phone: "If you try to warn him, I will kill everyone here, starting with you."

Ricky Stratton: "I've been trying to call you guys. What gives?"
Fuqya: "Everybody's on a break. In fact, I'm on a break. Can I call you back?"

Hung Lo gets on the PA system: "Ha-Ha! Boy child of my master's enemy. You will surrender or I will kill your mother. Ha-Ha!" Josh surrenders, the Dragon Fist Army grabs him, and it turns out this was all Zephram Cochrane Bauer's idea, who agreed to fix the chip in return for Lick Poo using the Dragon Fist army to kidnap Jack Junior. Fortunately, Lick Poo has his Dragon Fist Army standing by, even at 2:00 in the morning, for just such a circumstance. Now, Zephram Conchrane intends to take Jack Junior to his mountain fortress in China, where he will learn the ways of the Ninja.

Tick-Tock

Live Blogging: 2:00am to 3:00am

bRight&Early stepping up to the plate. Please add lots of interesting comments. Other B4B staff, feel free to jump in!

I can live blog better if I didn't have a 2year old to change.

Are you sure they can execute the operation. The only thing they've done before now is deliver takeout.

This part I can do.

2:13 Love Child returns.

Lily Rowan (aka Ann Coulter) looking for another quickie?

I'd like to bring Your S.., er, Josh, by to see you before we go.

This is not going to end well for the CTU team.

Egg Drop terrorists.

I got your takeout Mr. Bauer.

No more chinese food references. I haven't had supper.

2:28 RPF works on auto-pilot, even with a broken heart.

Lily Rowan: I'm screwing the VP and the Breck Girl. I was willing to commit purjury. I almost caused durkdurkastan to get nuked. But now I'm scared.

One Track Pony.

GO TO SLEEP!!

(Oh, wait. That wasn't for all of you.)

2:39 Milo strikes out with Chloe, strikes out with Aywana. Wanna go for Patsy Ramsey next?

I think we found the Chinese.

1

2,3

Strike three, Milo

2:50 Was that three more?

We want the golden child!

Aywana Fugya - Come on down! You're the next contestant on the Kill Counter Climbs.

Let's see those Bauer genes kick in.

No. Not those Bauer genes. Philip, what are you up to now?

3:00am

Thanks for hanging out while I provided this highly-distracted rookie liveblogging. At least the kill counter headed in the right direction. I'm betting it goes even higher next week.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 17

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day. Image not updated>>>

bRight&Early jumping in here to post this week Challenge.

Last week was all about the Intense Whisper. Will this week be about the massive kill count? We'll see in a few minutes.

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 21. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +12 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)

24 Caption Contest

Caption this uncomfortable scene from the last 24.

If you want to avenge President Logan or if you like chicks who don't dig smiling, make sure you vote in the Nadia Yassir - Martha Logan Miss Blogs4Bauer match up.

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at TruthvsMachine. Go check it out!

Next week the carnival moves over to Tommy Lawyer. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: Jack should not let feelings get in the way of killing people. Give me a gun, I will not.
by - Dwight Schrute

As head of a CTU tactical team one needs to be quick like a panther, fearless like a ninja, and smart like a Hobbit. Having watched every episode of 24 and Battlestar Galactica, I have analyzed Jack Bauer's decisions this season and found them questionable at best. Who would do a better job than Jack Bauer? Well Dwight Schrute comes to mind. Jack should not let feelings get in the way of killing people. Give me a gun, I will not.

Question: what is the key problem facing America? No, it's not if Audrey will snap out of it and lead us to the Chinese. The key problem facing America are British people, like Morris O'Brian. It's a fact that the British are still upset about losing the War of 1812 and are looking for a little revenge. As Jack Bauer's replacement, I would root out anyone who supports the queen...or people who have really bad teeth. I'm unequally qualified for this task since my grandfather fought the British, it's a Schrute family tradition.

Blood alone moves the wheels of history!!! As head of a CTU Tactical Team, I would spill the blood of the English and dip my fingers in their entrails. Why their entrails? Because the brains are too hard to get at without the proper implements. I would also rip out their eyes so they cannot see me sneak up on them in the afterlife. That is, if we had enough time. So it would be entrails first, then eyes, and if we had time...their tonsils.

Currently Jack Bauer is having personal problems because his lady friend, Audrey. Or as I like to call her "big ear lady". Audrey is causing Jack to slip and become one of them. By "one of them", I mean British. It's a fact that Audrey was married to a Brit and even being around a British person makes you more like them. Case and point: Madonna moves to England and develops a British accent almost immediately, that is how they work. Fancy a Guinness you mole?

What can be done to turn back the British Invasion? Well CTU needs to team me up with Doyle. Agent Doyle and Special Agent Schrute would make a great team. No, we'd make an awesome team. We'd be like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Doyle would be like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. Got it fish-n-chips? Good.

A hero kills people - people that wish us harm. British people. Jack Bauer has proven that he's not a hero. Give me the proper arsenal and I will be the aforementioned hero and right the wrong that must be avenged. Then with Morris out of the way, Chloe will be all mine.

Counterpoint: Sending Dwight an application from CTU was pretty funny.
by Jim Haplert

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Semifinals

William Shatner here to tell you about a exciting contest we have going on here. It's the the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. We have narrowed down the field and are coming to the end.

Last week, Nina Myers moved on to the next round by killing off Teri Bauer. Not to worry, we have placed Jack Bauer in Holding Cell 3 until the contest is over.

For round 2 we will have a Q&A Session with each of the ladies and then let you vote on who should stay and who should go.

In Round 1, Nadia Yassir took care of Dina Araz in the token division 70%-30%. Here is what a few of you wrote about Nadia Yassir:
pickett - I believe that Nadia is the first character in the show to be explicitly named as a Republican. That's enough for me.
Adam - Nadia probably stores her socks in Zip lock bags. She's hot as a junebug in July, but she's been completely without any sexual tension whatsoever. Mandy will eat Nadia alive.
steveggg - Why couldn't this match up have waited until next week, when we figure out who the mole's scapegoat is?

Martha Logan proved herself a few kiwis short of a bushel, however she had advanced with a 52%-48% win over Evelyn Martin:
trench - This is like asking if I want to be shot in the head or the sac.
bob - Krazy Lady with a Knife.
Yankz - This one's a horse race so far. I can't fathom why people would vote for a woman who had Charles Logan inside her.

The winner of this match up will join Nina Myer, Kim, and one more lady in the Final Four . Click Here for an updated bracket.


Now let's get to the Q&A session.

Shatner: Nadia, the audience would like to know why you never smile.
Nadia Yassir: Well Shatner, I'm a Republican Muslim living in LA. Does that answer your question?

Shatner: Martha, what would you say is your favorite moment of 24 this season?
Martha Logan: I enjoyed watching Jack kill all those terrorists and...
Shatner: And?
Martha: What, are you mocking me?
Shatner: No Martha.
Martha: Oh, now you're just trying to irritate me, aren't you? I'm not crazy!
Shatner: Let's just end this Q&A and let you get some rest. Put down the knife Martha...

Which one of these ladies will reach the next round? That is for you to decide.

Who will move on to the Final Four Nadia Yassir Martha Logan Click Here for results

TivoBlogging: Takes Place Between 1:00 AM and 2:00 AM, The Following Does.

With Guest Blogger: Master Yoda

01:00:00 to 01:12:46
Ricky Stratton the CTU Tac Team assures, "All the C4, you have. Clean the building is." Then, PenisNose, he comforts. Ricky Stratton: "Safe you are. Anything that to Lick Poo could lead us, did you hear?"
Penisnose: "I like mittens."
Qualified to be Speaker of the House, she is. Hm?

Ricky Stratton then Jack Bauer to CTU defends: "His fault the Heathen Chinee have the chip, it isn't. Blown this house like Monica Lewinsky on Spring Break, he would have. Failed him, I did."

Fuqya Awana having none of it, she is. Insists that Jack to the CTU be brought. Al Bundy's request for transfer, she denies. "Indulge your personal melodrama, I will not. Keep your personal life to yourself, you will. Tomorrow, better you will feel, hm?"

In DC, Jim Jones tp Frau Blucher a comforting glass of Kool-Aid offers: "Had to fire your husband from CTU, a bummer it is. Appreciate your sacrifice, I do."
Then, by Weasel Cage, they are informed: Subaru about the stolen nuclear arming chip knows. "Nuke you, I will!" Subaru threatens. A clue, the White House gets. A spy among them, there must be. What expendable character this time? Answer the question, the next scene, does:

Ann Coulter to her apartment returns. There, Daniel Jackson, ready to show her his "staff weapon," is. Daniel Jackson: "Bend over, you must, and plow you, I will." Ann Coulter: "Some kind of faggot, what are you?"

Lick Poo transmitting schematics and whatnot to a confederate is. Then, a broken circuit board he discovers. "Lousy Chinese crap!" Needing someone with the necessary expertise, he is. Lick Poo: "My power tools heat up and to kidnap Al Bundy prepare."

01:17:12 to 01:25:48
Daniel Jackson faster in the sack than Jeff Gordon on bennies must be. While Ann Coulter a shower takes, an espionage device into her purse Daniel Jackson places.

Al Bundy, Russet Potato Face dumps. To be her, it sucks. Cares, no one does.

Dr. Dickhead to CTU arrives. "Do anything about her nose, can we?" he asks, Examines her, he does. More track marks and bruises than Courtney Love after Lilith Fair, she has. Inject her with even more drugs, he wants to. A worse bedside manner than House, he has.

Ricky Stratton Jack to the holding cell, escorts. Jack: "Talk to Penisnose, I must. Only person who can get through to her, I am." Ricky Stratton to Fuqya Awana Jacks plea takes: "A chance with her to Jack, give," he asks. Fuqya Awana having none of it is: "No, even though Jack always right is... not listen to him once again, we shall."

1:30:12 to 1:37:02
Weasel Cage the leak back to Ann Coulter traces. Weasel Cage also a New York Post Liz Smith column, has. "Apparently, she, Daniel Jackson, like a screen door, bangs. Daniel Jackson, working for the Rooskies, is." "I'm hittin' that, too." JJ brags. Then, breaks down and cries like a little girl for his dead wife, he does. "Coulter was right, smoke the pipe, you do." Weasel Cage sneers.

Ricky Stratton Jack in the holding cell visits. Then, Ricky's autoerotic asphyxiation fantasy, Jack fulfills. Jack from the holding cell escapes and some guards clocks and Audrey he releases and takes into hiding. Kemper this observes, "If let Jack see her, you had. Happened, none of this, would have."

1:41:25 to 1:48:09
RPF from CTU you conspicuously absent is. Fuqya Awana, Ricky Stratton, of letting Jack loose, accuses. "Rule, O'Doyle does!" triumphantly Ricky Stratton shouts.

Jack, Audrey into Edgar Stiles secret sub-basement pr0n stash hides. Jack for information begs, but responsive, she is not. Jack: "Yes, I know you like mittens. But can you remember anything helpful?" CTU dorks through the door with a blowtorch cut. Jack a gun at Ricky Stratton points. "Bloomfield" Audrey shouts, a good time in a Detroit suburb remembering. Fuqya Awana convinced it something means.

1:52:32 to 1:59:59
The Russian Army preparing to attack is. "Around the american military base, a perimeter, create," JJ orders.

Ann Coulter to JJ's office returns. "You didn't just betray me, you betrayed your country. The Dark Side, a powerful attraction it holds, hm? Now, to your boyfriend go back. That we have the chip, make him believe... or else, label you an enemy combatant and lock you in a cell until the Lions win the Superbowl, I will." She says she will try. JJ: "No! Do or do not! There is no try."

To the Bloomfield copper plant CTU a Tac Team dispatches.

Heller his daughter comforts. Plans to buy mittens, he does. In Jack's cell, he portends. "Near my daughter ever again I you to ever go don't want."

Jacks simply says, "What?"

Like Hurley from last week's Lost, he is channeling.

Tick-Tock