Carnival of Bauer

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.
by John F. Kerry

President George W. Bush talks a lot. Unfortunately for the American people, all he does is talk. What the Counter-Terrorist Unit needs is a man of action. I am that man. My name is John Kerry, and I am reporting for duty.

My qualifications are much more impressive than those of Mr. Bush. I am not aware if you know this, but I served in Vietnam. During my tour, I received more Purple Hearts before 8am than most soldiers received all day. Hillary Clinton agrees - I am the greatest hero in American history. And I am up to the challenge of defending this country against terrorism with a caring approach - unlike that Cro-Magnon Jack Bauer.

Unlike Jack Bauer and his lackey George Bush, torture and civil rights violations will not be an option in my arsenal. Instead, I will use the United Nations as a tool for negotiation. Terrorists are no different from you and I, and they respond well to frank discussion. There is no place in CTU for Gestapo tactics. In my CTU, terrorist attacks will cease.

If I were at CTU, Victor Drazen would have never made that attempt on then-Senator Palmer's life. In my CTU, Drazen and his family would have received a full pardon for his terrorist actions, and his family would be given safe passage to Syria - far away from the United States. And, unlike Jack Bauer's clan, my family would never been kidnapped. I mean, have you seen my family? Ugh.

If I were at CTU, rogue factions would not have smuggled and detonated a nuclear device inside our borders. In my CTU, these factions would meet with my head of personal understanding, Madeleine Albright, to discuss their worries and concerns. By opening a dialogue, we can solve their problems. And if that fails, we will detonate the device in a red state.

If I were at CTU, former President David Palmer would still be alive. It is only because of his Nazi-esque, right-wing policies that forces within our own country marked him for death. In my CTU, I will openly welcome every citizen with a differing opinion . . . . except the Republicans.

Frankly, my policies would have prevented every major disaster that Jack Bauer has dealt with in the last decade. When you look at the facts, it is clear that I (and not George W. Bush) am the best person for the job. I stand ready for your reply.

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent
by President Bush


Anonymous said...

Go shove it up your ass, Kerry!

Anonymous said...

John Kerry was for CTU before he was against it.

Buckaroo Banzai said...

Does anyone want to see a Logan-esque love scene with him and Tereza?

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Greg said...

Who's this Jack Ryan fellow he's talks about in the last paragraph?

Buckaroo Banzai said...

Somebody destroy Link123, please.