05:00:00 to 05:10:2Lick Poo informs Zephram Cochrane Bauer that a submarine is en route to pick them up and take them to some weird island with a smoke monster and a giant three-toed statue that was never really explained.
Ricky Stratton, minus one eye, is led away from the beach. "Yarrrrrgh, mateys, this could be a new look for me, says I. Yar."
Al Bundy tries to get the 411 from the CTU Doc, but the Doc just snarls. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not the information desk."
Scooter Fuqya has found the oil platform. They detect life signs, an approaching boat, and traces of Jesus Juice. She informs the vice president that they have located ZCB. The veep's military adviser advises an air strike. "Blast those heathen Chinee and that sick pervert sicko to Hell." "What about the kid?" Weasel Cage asks. "Yeah, he'll probably be blasted to hell, too." says the General. "Me like idea." says president Jim Jones. "Me give authorization." Everyone agrees, air strikes are cool.
Scooter Fuqya relays this message to Jack. Chiggy and Jack acquire a helicopter using
the usual technique.
05:14:33 to 05:22:06Jim Jones gets on the phone with Russian President Subaru. "Me call air strike against oil platform for to blow up secret chip." The Russians confirm that they'll watch the coverage on the 'F-18 Air Strike' channel, and if the oil platform is blowed up real good, they'll call off the attack. "Thank you. You friend. Jim Jones happy now."
Bacardi and Old Grand Dad call Scooter and ask that the intelligence they need to hit the platform be sent to Jack's PDA (of course). Then they figure out how to stealthily fly a helicopter to the oil platform. But Lick Poo turns out to be the bastard son of Radar O'Reilly and hears them approach.
Jack Junior begs ZCB to let him go. "Shut up your pretty bitch mouth and put on the gimp suit," ZCP orders him. Then, Lick Poo, runs up onto the deck with a dozen funky Chinamen from Funky Chinatown. As Lick Poo is setting them up, Jack is chopping them down, shooting from the hip with an assault rifle. Then Jack shoots up some fuel tanks in a maneuver he calls 'Mongolian Barbecue.' He blows through the Chinese like Rosie O'Donnell through a Dim Sum buffet. Chiggy takes Lick Poo into custody and escorts him to the helicopter.
05:26:33 to 05:36:22Jack Jr is still fighting off ZCB. "Get your hands off me you filthy pervert." ZCB has two words for him, "Ball gag!" But then, Jack Jr. gets a hold of the gun. "Who's the gimp now, bitch!" He caps his grandpa, but doesn't kill him. Then, Jack shows up a little too late, like Clinton in Rwanda. "Son,... I mean, Naphew, lower the gun." Jack Jr lowers the gun and Jack takes him into his strong manly arms. Jack orders him to get to the helicopter. Jack tries to get ZCB to come to the chopper, but ZCB decides he'd rather die as he lived... covered with grease and still hurting from a young boy's rejection.
Jim Jones gives the strike order. Chiggy lifts off in the helicopter, then swings around to pick up Jack. The F-18's loose their missiles just as Jack grabs the helicopter's rope ladder. The oil rig explodes like four male models in a tragic gasoline fight accident.
As they near the beach, Jack lets go of the rope ladder and falls into the sea, but he appears to be all right and he still has his man purse.
'24' stops at this point. The next twenty minutes are actually an episode of
'General Hospital' that somehow got spliced in by mistake.
05:40:45 to 06:00:00With the oil platform destroyed, and the Russians pull back their troops. Jim Jones laments to Weasel Cage. "Me no want deal with Chinese. Me sleepy." Weasel Cage tells him, "You have to forgive Frau Blucher and Chiggy, or you'll never recover from amnesia or win the respect of your long-lost son and your two-timing traitor of a mistress." Jim Jones agrees.
Al Bundy visits with RPF in the infirmary. "I'm knocked up," RPF says, "It's Jack's." Al Bundy asks, "But how, Jack was in a Chinese prison?" RPF answers, "I saved some hair and nail clippings and had his DNA implanted into one of my eggs." Al Bundy says, "That's like, super-creepy, but I'll help you get through this." "I think I also have amnesia," RPF adds.
Jack Jr and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are reunited and happily begin planning Rocket Romano's funeral. Chiggy turns a bloodied Lick Poo over to CTU custody, but Lick Poo vows "I will have my vengeance on you! Ha-Ha!" Then, Chiggy shakes hands with Scooter Fuqya, but she doesn't remember who he is because she has amnesia.
Jack pays a visit on Penisnose's father so he can give his 'Emmy clip' speech: "You were like a father to me... and you took advantage of it. You said I was cursed. That hurt me inside. But what hurt worse was the way you let me rot in a Chinese prison." Penisnose's daddy shrugs, "Sucks to be you," Jack continues, "Your daughter came to China to get me. She understands commitment. I want my life back." Penisnose's Daddy gives in, "OK, you can have your stupid life back."
Jack enters Penisnose's bedroom and takes her hand. "Hello, it's me. I know I promised to take care of you and protect you, but I'm at a crossroads.So, goodbye." Fortunately, Penisnose is unconscious and can't deliver any dialog. Jack kisses her on the forehead then leaves.
Fade to Black.
