Carnival of Bauer

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 04:00 AM and 05:00 AM

04:00:00 to 04:15:02
Ricky Stratton explains the situation to Jack Junior, "Our paranoid psychotic vice president has agreed to swap you to your decrepit, mincing pedophile of a grandfather. But no worries. I'm gonna get you back. I'm Ricky Stratton. That's what I do. I act like a a complete asshole, then I redeem myself. Wanna fight about it?"

Jack calls Russet Potato Face, and she fills him in on the details, vis-a-vis turning Jack Junior over to Zephram Cochrane Bauer. Jack remembers all-too-well those late-night visits to his and Rocket Romano's bedrooms. "Dammit, Chloe, we need to stop this." Jack calls Frau Blucher, who tries to talk Weasel Cage into changing the VP's mind. Weasel Cage is no help, protesting "My relationship with the vice president is complicated," meaning he also knows what it's like to hear the door creak in the dark of the night and bite into his pillow, softly sobbing, "Why, daddy, why?"

Back in Cali, the FBI is poring through Chiggy Killer's house, even going through his family albums, which Chiggy objects to: "Hey! Those are personal." FBI agent: "Is that naked guy in the black socks and the rubber mask you?" Chiggy: "None of your business!" Chiggy ignores Frau Blucher when she calls at first, but eventually picks up the phone. "Hey, hon, I know I threw you under the bus, but now you gotta help Jack keep Jack Junior from getting kidnapped by that Old Dirty Bastard." Chiggy wonders what how the Wu-Tang Clan figures into this.

Back on the beach, the aforementioned dirty old pervert calls Ricky Stratton's cell phone. "Turn off the satellite. My mole is telling me everything." CTU turns off the satellite feed, then he orders Ricky to send the chopper away. Zephram Cochrane tells him to wait there and chill, and he'll send somebody, and suggests a cook-out or perhaps a clam bake to help pass the time.

04:19:25 to 04:26:57
Ricky Stratton tells Scooter Fuqya: "When I've confirmed the chip is real, I'm gonna rescue the kid." Scooter tells him to screw the kid, not realizing the irony.

Frau Blucher calls Scooter and gets to track Jack as he's hauled off to CTU's version of Club Gitmo. She passes the info on to Chiggy. Meanwhile, in the clink, Patsy Ramsey Bauer is having an episode and already garroted two CTU security guards. So, Scooter lies to her, then sends in a Heavy Duty Tactical Team to subdue her. Al Bundy calls Ricky to tell him he thinks he's doing the right thing. Ricky replies, "Al, the next time I want your opinion, I'll knock out all your teeth with the butt of my pistol and make you choke them down your throat."

Chiggy runs the SUV with Jack in it off the road. Jack quickly gets one of his guards guns, handcuffs him to the steering wheel, and then cold cocks hims. Then, while Chiggy distracts the other guard with smarmy talk about the Constitution, Jack cold cocks him, too. Then, the new team of Bacardi and Old Grand Dad hop into Chiggy's pick-up as banjo music plays.

04:31:23 to 04:38:02
Bacardi and Old Grand Dad speed toward the rendezvous. About then, Frau Blucher loses her access to the network and Jim Jones's jackbooted thugs haul her away to detention.

Back at the beach, Jack Jr. begs not to be traded to his grandfather. "He likes to smear my naked body with olive oil and Parmesan cheese and dance around me chanting 'When you're here, you're family.'"

"Sucks to be you," Ricky Stratton shrugs.

04:41:25 to 04:48:36
Ricky Stratton gets another call from ZCB. "You got my muscly armed grandson?" "Yes," Ricky tells him. ZCB orders him to move toward the water. ZCB's goons pull up to the beach in a Zodiac-type boat. Ricky Stratton goes out to meet them. The goon hands him the fake circuit board, which explodes in his face. The goons grab Jack Jr and hustle him into the boat just as Bacardi and old Grand Dad reach the beach. Jack calls CTU and lets them know that for something like the 6,000th time, they were wrong again. CTU being only slightly less competent than FEMA.

04:53:02 to 04:59:59
Weasel Cage lets Jim Jones know that he screwed up and lost both the kid and the circuit board. Jim Jones is bereft. "Me bad vice president. Me screw up everything."

Jack remembers that ZCB's Evil company is actually Halliburton, and thus deduces that ZCB must be taking the boy to an oil platform for some "Offshore drilling." Indeed, ZCB is waiting on an oil platform with Lick Poo. He calls out the Chinaman, "You screwed up, but I still think China is my future." "Oh,bitch bitch bitch..." Lick Poo replies.

Back at CTU, RPF passes out to set up an exceedingly obvious plot "twist."



Anonymous said...

"When you're here, you're family."


Side effects of steroids said...

Hellish dialogue!