Carnival of Bauer

Blog Archive








Add to Google




24 Fanatic

Forums4Bauer

Monday, February 13, 2006

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 2:00 pm and 3:00 pm

2:00:00 to 2:13:54

Sam Gamgee returned to CTU after being rolled by Cartman's Mom and John McCain. Chiggy Killer fills him in on the latest... Hannibal Connery being dead, Badger putting up the nerve gas canisters on eBay, that sort of thing. Badger calls back, leaves instructions without speaking. Jack Bauer doesn't even have to fake his villain voice from Phone Booth. Jack realizes he can imitate Hannibal Connery, since the terrorists have never met him. He immediately begins making lip-smacking-slurp noises and calling Token 'McCloud' in the hearty Irish brogue of a fifteenth century Spanish nobleman.

Dick Cheney enters the president's office, and tries to explain away the pattern of buckshot on Sid Blumenthal's face. He suggests that now that Sid Blumenthal is dead and all, there's no need to go public with Sid's role in helping the terrorists. He suggests they make up a cover story that Sid Blumenthal was overworked and despondent and committed suicide, and then they can dump the body in Fort Marcy Park. President Weasel doesn't think Mary Todd Weasel will go for it. Then, Mary Todd's assistant-babe goes to Mary Todd and asks her what's the haps. Mary Todd tells assistant-babe that Sid committed suicde because he was a traitor. She refuses to go into detail, but because the Move-on-dot-org writers are off this week, she doesn't suggest that Sid Blumenthal was working with Mossad and the Carlyle Group.

Then, the action shifts to the parking garage, wear Jack is meeting with the infamous blue van. The terrorists want to see the chip. Jack wants to see the money. There is a brief exchange of "I'll show you yours if you'll show me mine." Jack unzips. The terrorist unzips. "It's bigger than I expected," the terrorist says. Jack smiles, then starts taking orders from Chloe on how to insert his thing into the device. When Jack has finished, they sucker punch him and throw him into the van. "Hey, this wasn't the deal," Jack says.

At CTU, they argue over whether to shag the terrorists now, or shag the terrorists later. They decide to follow them, depending on the terrorists to lead them to Badger and the rest of the Tex-Mex gas canisters.

2:18:13 to 2:24:56

Assistant-Babe shows the press release to Mary Todd, and is outraged to see that they are calling Sid Blumenthal a hero instead of a traitor. Mary Todd storms into the president's office. She wants the president to tell the truth. "All right," President Weasel says. "If you're so hot to tell the truth, you can start by telling the truth to Sid Blumenthal's wife." Mary Todd says, "I'd love to tell her, but I can't because of the evil monkey that lives in my closet."

Meanwhile, the terrorists want to show Jack something. They move a blanket in the van, revealing the gas canisters. "Ain't these cool?" the Terrorist says. Chloe realizes the target is the Sunrise Hills Mall and conveys this to Jack. The terrorists inform Jack that they're going for a trial run at the Sunset Hills Mall. Now, Jack starts getting testy. "I'm not going in the mall with those horrible things," he tells the terrorists. The terrorists put a gun to his head. "On the other hand, I could totally go for an Orange Julius," Jack says.

At CTU, the assault teams are ordered in to prevent the release of the toxic gas. Sam Gamgee calls it off. S4GF is stunned. "But what about all those people at the mall," she points out. Sam Gamgee counter-points. "They bought their tickets. They knew what they were getting into when they went to the mall. I say, let them choke." Of course, sacrificing the mall-walker crowd will let them follow the terrorists back to the other 19 gas canisters. They turn to Chiggy-Killer for the tie-breaker. "We'll ask the president. He always knows what to do."

2:29:22 to 2:37:24

Chloe hacks into the malls internal video surveillance. "We should be able to see Jack," she assures him. Meanwhile, Jack, walking through the mall, can not help but look at all the lives about to be snuffed out. The shoppers, the mothers with strollers, the kids from Dawson's Creek, a group of Girl Scouts singing "We like being alive. We like being alive. We like being. We like alive. We like being alive." The terrorists shoot a rent-a-cop. Then, they being redecorating.

The president calls into CTU, and Sam Gamgee explains the situation. The president has to make a call, let the terrorists release the Tex-Mex gas gets and kill the mall-rats, or send in the assault teams and save the mall-rats. Between 800-900 mallrats will die if they release the gas. The downside to sending in assault teams is that they will lose their chance to grab the other canisters, the terorists will take the canisters elsewhere, and a lot of more productive taxpayers with better things to do than hang out in a mall at 2:30 on a weekday will die. The president says, "Hey, you make the call." "But I don't want to make the call." He asks Cheney to make the call. Cheney says, "Excuse me, I was cleaning my bird rifle, what was the question?" The president makes a choice. "Gas 'em! Gas 'em good!"

Chlose transmit the arming code to Jack as he works on the trigger. "Alpha Kilo Charlie"

"Echo Bravo Charlie" Jack says, he's always was a bit dyslectic when it came to military alphabets. The code doesn't work. Then, the terrorists beat him up. The skinny, long-haired terrorist drags Jack to the side and cuffs him to a table next to the dead rent-a-cop. The terrorists have found another way to release toxic gas. They place an order for 4,000 Taco Bell burritoes.


2:41:44 to 2:49:27

The terrorists work on making the canister work. They are cross-connecting many colorful wires. Jack revives and tries to free himself. Meanhile, back at CTU, Audrey tries to talk the others into not letting the toxic TexMex gas be released. "Think of the children!" she beseeches them. But Sam Gamgee and Chiggy Killer are male and pro-choice. "Gas the brats!"

The terrorists activate the Tex-Mex gas canisters. Jack revives and pries the rent-a-cop's gun from his cold dead hands. He puts on the gas mask and uses the walkie-talkie antenna to get his keys. At some point, he kills one of the two terrorists. Then, Jack de-activates the gas. Chiggy Killer orders Cola to move in. Jack sticks up a mall manager to find out where the ventilation controls are. It's near the food court, behind a Del Taco, which will make it really difficult to isolate the source of the toxic gas. Jack runs through the mall with a gun and a gas mask yelling "Blarrrrh! Blarrrh!" to scare people into leaving. As Jack moves into the food court, people are choking, collapsing, writhing in agony. It's worse than that time Edgar got carry-out from Chili's.

Jack shuts down the ventilation system and puts his gas mask on a little girl, then carries her out of the mall. "I need 50 cc of little-girl revival juice, stat!" He orders. Token brings it. He injects it into the girl. The girl lives. Next, Jack runs toward a large, black, SUV. The surviving terrorist runs from the mall parking lot, finds a non-descript beige sedan, busts a window, and then hot-wires it and peels out.

2:53:56 to 2:59:59

The surviving terrorist calls into Badger, and squeals on Jack. He's headed back to Badger. Chloe is tracking him on the computer. Jack Bauer is six blocks behind him in an SUV. President Weasel then begins bitching out Sam Gamgee for letting Jack save the mall-rats against his orders. "Just do your job, or I'll find someone who can. And bring me a live chicken." He slams down the phone, and Cheney calms him down with the body of a fresh quail. Meanwhile, Sid Blumenthal's wife has arrived. Mary Todd goes to meet her, and tell her what a lowdown dirty terrorist scumbag her husband was. They hug. Mrs. Blumenthal kind of looks like a hot version of the chick from Surface who is supposed to be hot but really isn't. "Why? Why would Sid do this? Why? Why?" Mary Todd tells her, "Because he loved his country and he loved you." This seems to make Mrs. Blumenthal feel better. "Also, he was a dirty traitor." (That scene was probably deleted.) Mary Todd walks away and passes her husband, but they exchange no words.

Bacardi and Cola are in hot pursuit of the surviving terrorist.. "We're going to have to hit him hard and fast to keep him from releasing any more Tex-Mex," Jack says. "Put your gas masks on."

Badger watches as the line of inconspicuous black SUV's with CTU logos on the sides reaches the terrorist hide-out. The surviving terrorist gets a call from Badger. "You were followed. You know what to do." The Surviving terrorist puts his gun to his head and... well, he ain't the surviving terrorist any more.

And Badger drives away in an old pick-up truck.


Next week: The Annual "President Orders Jack to be Arrested" episode.

8 comments:

The Man said...

Next week: The Annual "President Orders Jack to be Arrested" episode.

I would hate to see Jack's folder in CTU's HR.

"Jack has a problem with authority"

Little Miss Chatterbox said...

Great stuff once again. I loved the nickname Mary Todd for Mrs. Logan. From my research on Mary Todd she was definitely bi-polar and did spend time in a mental hospital so excellent choice.

Yep, Jack definitely has issues with authority and that is one of the many reasons why I love him :-).

I was so hoping he wouldn't give the terrorists the right code. Sooooooo happy when he didn't.

Jo said...

My recap is up if anyone is interested. Great job guys!

rightwingprof said...

I'm watching it now -- the damn picture is blinking on and off. What's that about, anyway? It's really annoying.

kitty said...

"Dick Cheney enters the president's office, and tries to explain away the pattern of buckshot on Sid Blumenthal's face."

Jaaaay-zus, you guys are so funny you're killing me!

kitty said...

Someone sent me this joke:

Dick Cheney:
Hello, Texas Rangers, this is Dick Cheney... I just shot a lawyer!

Texas Rangers:
Sorry, Mr Cheney, but this is the weekend. All state offices are
closed. You won't be able to collect the bounty until Monday.

Bud Dickman said...

Is it me or did anyone wonder how Samwise got back into CTU after having his ID Card stolen? After having more moles than I can count, you'd think the Red Shirts would be keen on checking IDs.

Red Agent said...

Are you kidding me? The Red Shirts couldn't check a purse at the airport without getting shot and/or knocked out! The SamGammgee getting rolled by Hookerella and Guido thing was straight Kim vs. the Cougar. The writers need to get going... they killed Palmer and better make this season payoff or this shit is going to become CTU 90210.