Carnival of Bauer

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Friday, August 11, 2006

Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer Will Man The Border Fence.

Unlike Hillary Clinton and Ned Lamont, Jack Bauer does not vacillate when it comes to border security. Illegal immigration is a national problem, not just an Arizona or California problem. In that vein, when Jack Bauer is elected U.S. Senator (CT/NY), he has not only promised to build a border fence: he has promised to man it!

The Jack Bauer Plan is two-fold. First, he will lobby (read: beat down any opposition) for a 50-foot high, electrified, razor-wire fence along the entire border - including the east and west coasts. Sorry, surfer hippies, the beaches are now closed! This plan will eradicate illegal immigrants from coming into the U.S. from Mexico, Canada, and the oceans. You never know who or what will wash ashore nowadays.

Second, Jack Bauer will take time out of his busy day - as if U.S. Senators ever do anything productive - to personally man the border fence, armed with a Louisville Slugger and a case of Schlitz. In a classic example of bravado, Jack will also place an Eveready battery on his shoulder, and dare any immigrant to knock it off. Bring it on, immigrants! Jack dares you.

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