JACK BAUER - Speed Painting by Nico Di Mattia

Check this out.

I did a little speed drawing in Paint. What do you think?

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Josh Isn't Your Son, He's Mine
by Larry Birkhead

Let me begin by pointing out that my potency is legendary.

Here's how it was. I hooked up with Marilyn Bauer at the CTU ball about 14 years ago. Now, Marilyn isn't my usual piece of trim. She's not blond, she has an IQ above room temperature, and her boobs, I suspect, were the real deal. But pickin's were slim. It was hit that or hit Karen Hayes.

So, I said to her, "Hey, baby, is your name Visa? 'Cos you are everywhere I wanna be." Then, I spit on her and told her she should get out of those wet clothes. She told me Rocket Romano was having trouble getting off the launch pad and invited me to follow her into the ladies room. I worked her like an illegal immigrant landscaper. She was barking like a dog before you could say, "O-lay."

Granted, it was kind of like tossing a hot dog into the Holland Tunnel, but Ol' Larry got the job done. Then, I wiped off my crank with her panties and told her I'd call her.

Then, I shtupped Karen Hayes.

Nine months later, boom, along came Josh.

How much is Phil Bauer worth, anyway? I mean, selling nukes to terrorists, that's gotta be a pretty nice chunk of change, right. And if he goes down, the money would go to his grandson most likely, right?

Just sayin'... hypothetically.


Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly




Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

Josh, I'm really sorry you had to hear about this today, but your father is not Jack Bauer. Your father is not that bald-headed guy who got 12,000 people nuked, he is not the gardener that your mommy used to have. Your father is not a once-promising golfer, who only has 16 PGA Pro wins in a 20 year career and who's a drunk. Who's your daddy? I am. Now get in the helicopter and stop looking so depressed, we have quite a bit to talk about.

There has been a lot of discussion on what I was doing in Denver the past few years. Well Josh, I don't know how to put this - so here goes. I was doing your mom.

Get that scowl off your face, your mother and I met at the CTU Ball around 14 years ago. She was there with Jack; her husband (the guy you assumed was your father) was away on business. John Daly was also there as a guest speaker. Well Josh, during the ball we got a little hammered and the next thing we all know, well... Let's just say that it was a night that your mother, myself, Jack Bauer, George Mason, the bus boy, Edgar Stiles, the bathroom attendant, and John Daly will never forget.

Nine months later, you were born. Son.

I can understand why you would not trust me, epically after what you have been through today. But just look at the photo with my childhood photo. We even wore the same gay sweater/button-up shirt combo. How cute is that?

Well once we get done using you as a pawn to prevent a war with Russia in Central Asia by bartering you to an old geezer who thinks you are his grandson and wants to take you to China in return for a circuit board, I'd like to maybe play catch or take you on in a game of Monopoly. Hell, we can even take ride on my miniature electric train!

Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly

A Presidential Ticket With Some Firepower

They've gotta be better than Hillary/Obama, right?

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly

Look, Jack, I know you have a special Jedi/Padawan relationship with your (ahem) "nephew" Josh. And, as part of my paternity agreement with Marilyn Bauer, I have not interfered in my son Josh's life. (Who knew golfers could land such hot groupies? Everyone on the Tour referred to her as "The Ball Washer.") But, I cannot stand by any longer while you, and the idiots at CTU, play God with Josh's life. GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!

Jack, first you come barging into Josh's home with guns blazing, then torture and kill Josh's adopted father in his own study! What did you think that would do to my son's emotional stability? Cripes, look at me! Don't you think the obsessive-compulsive eating disorder gene has been passed on to my son? Do you want to see him trolling the streets, selling himself for some Clark bars? Because I sure don't!

Then, you transport Josh to the "safety and security" of CTU Headquarters. Are you on the "horse" again? CTU HQ is about as safe as a cold beer in my golf cart. This place gets invaded more often than Paris Hilton's underpants! I almost expected Marilyn's frantic phone call after some Asian assassins stole Josh from your steely grasp. Next time, think before you act. But, then again, thinking has not always been your strong suit.

Finally, you pull off one of your "miracle" saves after eliminating said assassins. Of course, this was after Milo Pressman was shot in the pumpkin. Way to go, hero! You then lose Cheng, the lead to the Russian nuclear schematics, and your self-respect. Well, at least you retrieved my son.

But wait! You had my son safe and secure for about 35 seconds. That's more time than it takes me to finish a 72-ounce steak! The last thing Marilyn told me was that your own co-workers were kidnapping him and dragging him off to his grandfather. You know, the grandfather who's a psychotic sociopath? I heard they are going to trade MY SON for the Russian component!!!

Good work, Jack. Maybe James Heller was right: everyone who gets near you gets dead.

Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Final Four

Welcome back to the First Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. We have narrowed down the field from a field of 16 down to 4 lovely ladies of 24. Who will go on to the finals, that will be determined by you.

You can throw out your brackets because this is going to be a cat fight.

Below you will find the final four ladies in the contest, you will also find a poll. You can vote for your 2 favorite ladies, the top 2 will go on to the Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship.

Championship potential match-ups
Chloe/Nadia - CTU Office Hottie
Nina/Nadia - Battle of who smiles less
Chloe/Nina - Scowl-a-palooza 2007
Kim/Nadia - Hommina Hommina
Nina/Kim - Payback is a bitch (or two)
Chloe/Kim - Brains against beauty

Which two ladies should move on to the Championship? Chloe Nina Kim Nadia Click Here for results

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 03:00 AM and 04:00 AM

03:00:00 to 03:08:45
An amber alert is issued for Jack Bauer Jr as Hung Lo's subordinate, Chu Dong, takes the boy out of CTU and into the tunnel. Patsy Ramsey Bauer is so upset she looks like she could strangle a small child. Hung Lo divides the surviving CTU people into two groups, Group A and the Fighting Mongooses. As they are marched into Panic Rooms, Jack sees an opportunity and beats the crap out of a Chinese Guard to get his gun, then starts shootin' up the place like Ryan O'Neal. After killing off most of Hung Lo's men, Jack personally chokes Hung Lo to death, then breaks his neck. He is only prevented from pissing on the corpse when Ricky Stratton shows up and blows down a couple of Chinese pirates himself and announces CTU is secure. Ricky Stratton asks Awana Fuqya if there were any casualties. "Nope, nobody... oh, except Kemper." Then, Awana Fuqya realizes she is bummed about that. Russet Potato Face (Chloe) comforts her. "Let's go make out behind the servers."

03:13:04 to 03:20:52
In the sewers, Bacardi (Jack) and Light Beer (Stratton) chase Chu Dong. In the background, a creepy voice calls out, "Hey-y-y-y-y-y you-u-u-u-u g-u-u-u-u-ys!". Lick Poo is waiting at the end of the tunnel with a cell phone for Jack Junior. Zephram Conchrane Bauer is on the other end. "I'm gonna take you to China," he tells Jack Jr. Jack Jr will have none of it. "A few hours ago you pointed a gun at my head and threatened to kill me." Zephram Cochrane: "Well, you walked in front of the TV during Matlock you muscly-armed little bastard."

Lick Poo orders his men to get Jack Jr in the car and proceed to the rendezvous, explaining that Chinese men have small penises and Lick Poo is afraid of Jack's large American penis. But Bacardi and Light Beer show up in time to shoot out the tires in Lick Poo's SUV. Lick Poo grabs Jack Jr and makes a run for it. Jack chases them to the roof where Jack Jr gets away from Lick Poo. Jack corners Lick Poo on a catwalk, but Jack Junior is hanging on for dear life below him. Jack rescues the boy, but Lick Poo escapes. Jack Jr tells his "uncle" what his grand-dad's plan was: "He said he was going to take me to China. or maybe it was Bahrain. But I don't want to live with grandpa, he makes me do push-ups in my underwear while he watches gladiator movies." Jack promises he'll never let that happen. (Snicker.)

03:25:14 to 03:35:17
Back in DC, Weasel Cage watches on Daniel Jackson's WebCam as the Russian spy slams the salami into Ann Coulter. "That's it! Slam it home for ol' Johnny!" he exclaims. When they finish, she excuses herself. "I need to purge. I touched a molecule of food earlier." Daniel Jackson makes ready to send her emails to the Russians, but then he doesn't. When she comes out of the bathroom, he goes from Daniel Jackson to Jackson Browne and starts beating on her like Darryl Hannah. Weasel Cage and some secret service guys bust in and pull DJ off her. Weasel gives him a choice, send the phony documents or die... eventually... after 20 or 30 years of appeals.

Lick Poo calls Zephram Cochrane and informs him that he failed to acquire his grandson. Bauer curses him out in his native language. "No glandson, no chippee! You savvy?" Lick Poo protests, "I lost many men trying to get your grandson." Zephram Cochrane is unimpressed. "Like you don't have a billion more."

03:39:43 to 03:50:12
Some middle-aged dorks from the CTU CYA Department show up to begin the process of blaming everything that went wrong on Awana Fuqya, whose new nickname is "Scooter." Fuqya is still bummed about Kemper being all dead and stuff. Al Bundy tries to comforts her. Then, she and Chloe make out behind the servers.

Weasel Cage calls JJ, lets him know the fake emails have been emailed to the Russians, and, oh yeah, Ann Coulter suffered a severe loss of oxygen to the brain. How bad is it? JJ wants to know. Really bad, Weasel Cage tells him, "Michael Schaivo and Jack Kevorkian just showed up with a lawyer and a rubber pillow."

JJ calls President Subaru, and tries to fake out the Russian president. But, President Subaru was so paranoid he was spying on his own spy, and knows that the documentation provided by Dan Rather, I mean, Daniel Jackson, was fake. Subaru gives JJ two hours to prove the chip was destroyed, or he'll strike the American military base.

03:54:55 to 03:59:59
Weasel Cage gets a mysterious phone call and takes JJ and Frau Blucher out of the Oval Office. The call is from Zephram Cochrane Bauer. He offers JJ a deal: "I want my grandson and clear passage to the country of my choice, a mickey mouse outfit, some handcuffs, a pair of slim-cut buttless leather chaps, and some popsicles. Mmmm, popsicles." JJ says he'll think about it.Frau Blucher is appalled, but Weasel Cage is ready to sell Jack Jr's ass to save his own. He calls CTU.

Jack is escorting Jack Jr to "safety" when he once again falls for the "there's a call for you Mr. Bauer" distraction. Jack picks up the phone and as he is in the middle of explaining that he doesn't have Prince Albert in the can, Ricky Stratton grabs Jack Junior and loads him into a helicopter while a bunch of CTU goons hold Jack back.

Tick-Tock

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (5/17). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (5/16).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Remote Access. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Liveblogging 3-4am

If Jack Bauer was on HEROs what would his power be? Discuss.

Remember, I did not see 24 last week so some of these subplots are new to me.

The following WILL take place between 3-4AM
-Jack will kick some ass - Check
-Jack will find out Josh is his son.

3:05AM - CTU erupts in gunfire. The producers of 24 look at their watches and wonder why there is action 40 minutes earlier than usual.

Jack with a gun (x2)
Jack with the strap of a gun. (2 Points)

Commercial Break
Jack Bauer on The Simpsons next week!

3:14AM
-Worst grandparent ever. "Imagine how much Sesame Chicken we can eat"

More shooting, is this 24?

Jack with a gun (x2)
(x3)

It's over Chang, Jack means it Dammit.

For all that Jack Bauer does, you would think he would have some kids that don't need a nanny just to avoid mountain lions and such.

Question, are we counting this as the same combo or a new one?
-This is a new combo. I need to take off my shoes to count all the bodies.

3:20 - Commercial Break
I need a smoke break, this 24 is intense. Espically since I didn't see last week's episode and I don't smoke.

More on The Simpsons

Sunday night, May 20th, the Simpsons will air their 400th and season finale
episode. Called “24 Minutes”, this event will be done in 24 style complete with
multi frames and nerve-wracking ticking. Guest stars Kiefer Sutherland and Mary
Lynn Rajskub will play their Monday night alter egos, Jack Bauer and Chloe
O’Brian.

3:33AM

I guess Lisa Miller's boy toy lasts longer the second time around. Now he needs to diddle on her PDA.

Back to Zephram, don't you think Jack Bauer Jr. would stand out a bit in China...being blonde and all?

Miller's boy toy has some strange pillow talk. He's like you are lying...she's like ok 'you have a small penis'. He's like "oh snap".

Weasel is like "Let's call an ambulance...but make them wait awhile...I want to uhhhh debrief Ms. Miller....alone".

Mr. BOWER!!! Hooked on Phonics wants their product back Mr. Chang...

3:35 - Commercial Break

Miss Blogs4Bauer update
Chloe (52%)
Marilyn Bauer (48%)
The Final Four will air this week with the final matchup coming next week.

24 may be over next week, but Fox has plenty of crap for you to watch until Prison Break returns

3:39AM

"Yassir" "Yes Sir"

VtheK needs a nickname for this Division Tool. How about "Buggers"? Morris sucks at mocking people.

My wife is watching the series finale of King of Queens...the main couple (I guess the King and Queen of Queens) got divorced. Sorry for the spoiler.

Daniels - "What were you doing while this was going on"
Tom - "Probably cleaning off the keyboard, sir"

The subcircuit board is still missing, I guess we can guess what Jack will be doing for the next 2 hours.

Here it comes: Jack is your father

Lawhawk - Hmmm.. a nickname for the division guy?
Bob Slidell... because he's into tps reports.

President Suburu is a real jerk. What is it with the Russians these days? First PootiPoot and now Suburu.

2 Hours to meet the deadline! It is a good thing Jack has 2 hours left in the day otherwise we'd be screwed.

Commercial Break
Diet Pepsi 90210 commercial = lame. Jack Bauer would totally win the staring contest with the asian kid....he'd make the kid's eyes bleed. Oral B....Olive Garden - the Taco Bell of Italian food...House has a hard case to crack....Acura tunes organs from their cars and offers 1.9% APR...Panasonic for people who are clumsy....NY Lottery - for suckers....SAAB made from crappy Cold War era jets...
Fox5NY Useless 24 Story - THERE IS NO USELESS STORY TONIGHT!!!

3:54

What did Daniels just say?

Philip Bauer is on the phone
-What is it?
It is a telecommunications device that connects people, but that is not important right now.

Philip Bauer has made more deals today than Jerry Maguire.

Uncle Jack....Uncle Jack....Son....Son.....Doyle....JOSH.....

3:59....4:00

Awards for this episode:
-TOP 5 Episode of 24
-Earliest Kill by Jack Bauer
-First Kill by Morris
-Worst commercial (Pepsi)

Next Week: Explosions, Jack, Josh...Man it will be a doozy.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 18

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Big thanks goes out tbRight&Early for jumping in and hosting last week's fiesta. I did not get to watch last week's episode, I had a funeral to attend and we don't have TiVO. Apparently the whole season of 24 has sucked and last week was the best episode ever. Dammit.

This week it looks like Jack Bauer Jr. is in trouble and Jack is going to rescue one of his siblings, again. Wouldn't you love to read some of the Father's Day cards at the Bauer household?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 21. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)
Week 16 (Hour 20): 0 Points
Winners:
Joshua Gross, pickett, randomdan
Week 17 (Hour 21): 15 Points
Winner: None

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +8 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
17. Killed 5 more guys (5 points +10 combo) - compiled by Steveggg

An Important Message From Beyond The Grave

Hello, I'm Milo Pressman. You may remember me as the greatest hero in CTU history, and I am now communicating with you from beyond the grave. Booooooooooooo! Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. But I did mean to set the record straight on a few things before I can rest in peace.

First of all, I demand that my photo be placed in the CTU Hall of Fame, post haste! Not only did I foil the multiple gunmen earlier today who were trying to kill Marilyn Bauer- when Jack Friggin' Bauer was no where to be seen - but I also took a bullet to the noggin protecting millions and millions of innocents. I'm a God-damned hero. Treat me like one.

Secondly, where is the outrage at my untimely death? I get shot in the pumpkin and after a few gasps, everyone goes about their business? WTF? Don't give me that, "Some Asian jerkass is pointing an automatic weapon at me" nonsense. You people should be in mourning. Every able-bodied CTU employee should sacrifice their lives trying to avenge me. I am your leader. You are my people. And yet, it appears that "my people" are a bunch of pussies. I sure am glad I died for all of you.

And finally, even though every one of them wanted me, what's the deal with the women at CTU? It is obvious that I am the most eligible bachelor roaming these sterilized hallways, and yet I score less often than a certain Philadelphia blogger! Chloe used and abused me, then went rushing to that human cue ball Morris. Audrey Raines said she'd call me right before she went to Japan, and Michelle Dessler was about to consummate our undying love only minutes before she was incinerated outside her residence. I mean, what the hell?!! This is not how you treat a legend!!!

By the way, for the record, I was the greatest lover either Chloe or Nadia ever had. Peace out!

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 5

HA-HA I am not Frat Stanrey! I am Frat Lee and I am mole in CTU. You are now my prisoners and no won can stop me! Ha-Ha! Freel my rath. No not rash, rath. No I don't have rats, IT's RRRAAATTHH. Erough of this, who is leader of CTU? Morris? Chloe? Black guy? Ah it's Miro, my favorite.
BANG
No ron can stop Frat Lee Ha-Ha. No Ron..... Ha-Ha.

24 POINT/COUNTERPOINT

Counterpoint: BRAINNNNS!!!
by Zombie Edgar Stiles

Just because I died and became a brain-eating zombie doesn't make me your bitch, Milo.

You know, I didn’t ask to die. I liked my job— they always had donuts and muffins in the lunchroom. I also remember seeing Marianne Taylor’s bra strap once. It was purple. But here you are, making a big stink about your not getting the silent clock treatment. Well, the rumor around the graveyard is that you asked to be killed off. Geez, the least you could have done was become a mole or something. Standing up to protect a woman that wasn’t even attracted to you… well, wait a minute; I’ve done that too. But the point is that you tried to deny your inner geek, you ignored your BRAINNNNSS and now you’re dead.

If I was there when that Chinese bounty hunter asked, “who’s in charge?” I don’t think he’d believe me if I said “Yo, Ping, right here!” See, that’s the advantage of accepting your inner geek. I tried the hair gel thing back in the early 90’s. I looked like a greased-up silverback gorilla. But when I stopped trying to be cool and accepted myself for who I was, I was finally happy. And then the terrorists killed my mom with that nuclear reactor meltdown and I was sad again, but then Chloe talked to me about shooting one of the terrorists and I felt happy again. But Milo, you had to try and break free of the geek club. You had to go after the hottest woman in the office. And look what happened? You got all screwed-up and jealous of some other guy and you broke up with the girl before you even got together! And now you’re just a dead guy with a pimp moustache.

No silent clock for you, loser. Now let me eat that fresh BRAINNNNN of yours!

Point: Where's my silent clock?
by Milo Pressman

24 Caption Contest

Caption Milo's last mistake.

Make sure you vote in the final semifinal match of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest that has Chloe taking on Marilyn Bauer.

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: Where's my silent clock?
by Milo Pressman

Teri Bauer, Edgar Stiles, George Mason, David Palmer, and Ryan Chappelle. What do I NOT have in common with these people? These unimportant people all got silent clocks. I got shot twice today and all I got was this lousy CTU t-shirt. Where's my silent clock?

Let's review, I got shot in the freaking head defending CTU from Chinese terrorists. Bald headed mofo Ryan Chappelle got shot in the head by Jack Bauer. He got a silent clock. I didn't.

Teri Bauer gave birth to Kim Bauer, I'll give her that. But, she sure didn't keep Jack happy, just ask Marilyn and her love child, Josh. She got a silent clock, I didn't.

George Mason flew an airplane into the ground. Come on! It's called gravity, you shouldn't get a silent clock just for not flying. Plus he turned CTU over to Tony, a crackhead. Mason got a silent clock, I didn't.

Edgar Stiles. Enough said. Fat boy got a silent clock that weighed 200 pounds, I didn't.

David Palmer got one....AND HE WASN'T EVEN DEAD! Palmer got a silent clock and returned the next season, I didn't and won't.

It seems like the committee who gives out silent clocks may question where I was for the past seven years. Sure I was at CTU-LA for Day One only to disappear until Day Six, I was transferred to CTU-Denver. You know what happened in Denver, nothing. Denver was really, really boring. The most excitement we had was when Doyle got drunk at a Broncos game and called in a bomb threat.

Excuses are like tactical teams, everyone has one to spare. The facts are that I died protecting CTU. I took a bullet for Marilyn Bauer. I got Nadia to smile. And I deserve a silent clock.

Counterpoint: BRAINNNNS!!!
by Zombie Edgar Stiles

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Sending Dwight an application from CTU was pretty funny.
by Jim Haplert

Don't worry folks, Dwight Schrute will not be heading up your local CTU office. I will be the first to admit that Dwight took things a bit far by declaring war on Great Britain, but I will also be the first to admit not being surprised. I hate to brag but sending Dwight an application from CTU was pretty funny.

Now I probably should have let Dwight in on the prank, but thinking about Dwight storming into CTU and telling everyone his theory that the Brits are behind all of our problems. Dwight about to do something very bold. Bold...is that the right word?

Now sending faxes to Dwight from "future Dwight" was pretty funny. Weighing down his phone with nickels was pretty funny too. Having the office call him "Dwayne" all day was good. However, sending him an application for CTU and then calling him as "Special Agent Lee Castle" inviting him to CTU Training Camp located behind the K-Mart in Scranton was the icing on the cake. A literal Schrute cake.

Now excuse me, Agent Castle has to make a phone call.

Castle: Dwight, there was a mole in CTU! Your cover is blown and the British are onto you.....I don't care if you think you can take them all....I don't care if you have a set of nunchucks....or throwing stars....We need you to strip down to your underwear and enter the K-mart. Once inside, tell the greeter...

Sorry, this might take awhile. What should I tell him to do?

Point: Jack should not let feelings get in the way of killing people. Give me a gun, I will not.
by - Dwight Schrute

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at Tommy Lawyer. Go check it out!

Next week the carnival returns to Remote Access. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Miss Blogs4Bauer Semifinals

Welcome back, I am William Shatner and this is the world famous Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. The contest is nearing the finish line and only a few broads remain. With only a few weeks left to go, who will be Miss Blogs4Bauer?

Last week, Nadia Yassir cut through Martha Logan like a hot scimitar through a cold infidel. Not even a handful of happy pills could pull Martha through that mess. This week we have our final semifinal match with Chloe facing off with Marlyn Bauer.

In Round 1, Chloe downloaded Michelle Dessler in the token division 52%-48% with 1,591 votes cast. Here is what a few of you wrote about RPF:
SVC Alumnus Blogger - I voted for Chloe because I'd like a date with the most gorgeous woman to be on television who knows how to use not just a computer, but a gun

The rest of the 32 comments were a mix of insults and accusations of fraud that made Chloe scowl. There was also a comparison to the 2003 NJ Senate election of Skeletor.

Marilyn Bauer had a cakewalk in Round 1, easily beating Jenny McGill 87% - 13%. Here is what a few of you had to say about the future Ms. Bauer:
Steveggg - Jack just called; he says that if a crackhead makes it to round 2 over the mother of his son, he'll fly the next nuke direct to those responsible, and this time it will explode, dammit.
Lou - This isn't even a contest. I suppose if you've got some sort of drug addict hobbit sister fetish...
Yankz - Samwise's sister looks exactly like Honey Bunny from Pulp Fiction.

Next week we will host the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest.

Click Here for an updated bracket.

Who moves on to the Final Four? Chloe Marilyn Bauer Click Here for results