And Now, A Message From Your Candidate

Hello, I'm Jack Bauer, and I would like to talk to you about my New York opponent, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Ms. Clinton believes that diplomacy and understanding will keep America safe. I am here to tell you that diplomacy and understanding are what got this country into its predicament in the first place. Diplomacy and understanding brought about 9-11. Diplomacy and understanding brought about Iran's nuclear arms race. And diplomacy and understanding is what my opponent used when she forgave her husband, The President of the United States, after he committed adultery and perjury.

What kind of person lets their lover get away with such nonsense? Now, I know what you are thinking: "Jack, Nina Myers had a hand in kidnapping your family, murdered your wife, and committed treason." All of this is true, but I "forgave" my lover by shooting her multiple times in the chest and head. Apology accepted.

As your United States Senator, I will avoid diplomacy and understanding. I vow to speak softly, and carry a very big gun: one that holds lots and lots of bullets.