TiVo Blogging 11:00 to 12:00

Like 'The Man's' Liveblogging, only later, and not as funny.

So, Jack Bauer leaves through the Stargate with some little blond kid... wait, no, that's the end of Stargate SG-1. Stupid TiVo. Fast forward ... Wow! This is a really fast-paced episode. Everything's happening really fast, but I think it's lacking in the character development we've come to expect from ... no, wait, that's the scenes from last week.

11:00:00 to 11:12:24

The Terrorists are disguised as a SWAT Team. I hope the hot angry latina chick from Lost shows up. (Because she was also in that movie, S.W.A.T..) Actually, I just want her to show up.

Next scene, the First Lady's assistant found the first lady sprawled out in her bed with her blouse in disarray. Since neither of the Clintons were invited to the treaty signing, she intuits something is wrong.

Then, there was something about cameras, Curtis went car surfing. Curtis moved into the warehouse with his assault team and found a great big crater and an empty crate with some round holes in it, surrounded by concrete. Then, he spotted some dead rats and realized, since they were nowhere near an Arby's, that something wasn't right.

The terrorists are targeting Moscow. Yeah, that makes sense. If I'm going to attack Moscow, I would definitely hide my nerve gas in Los Angeles. WTF, mate?

Then, President Weasel was bitching out the First Lady's assistant-babe. Then, his Chief of Staff showed up oozing evil smarm. He reminds me of Sidney Blumenthal, actually. Sid Blumenthal advised President Weasel to have the first lady committed. I wonder if Bill ever considered that. President Weasel agreed.

"The only thing we have to take care of is Bauer." Sid Blumenthal takes charge of it. In the Clinton White House, he'd've destroyed Jack Bauer by planting stories in the Washington Post. But I suspect this Sid Blumenthal is somewhat more subtle.

11:16:44 to 11:24:09

Oh, how nice. They're giving the rat a facial. (The dead rat in the warehouse, not Sid Blumenthal). They've detected MILSPEC weaponized nerve gas in the crater at the hangar, and some horsey sauce packets. Sam Gangee ordered a full CTU mobilization and directed them to trace the nerve gas. In the real world, it took, what, three months to figure out where the Anthrax came from. They'll probably trace the nerve gas in, like, ten minutes.

Next scene, President Weasel is being filled in that the nerve gas has been stolen. He is so stunned, he drops the bloody chicken carcass from his mouth.

Chloe calls out Stud-Boy. He whines, "No one talks to me like that." She takes him down a peg... a full peg. "I just did." Afterwars, Studboy mole-ishly pulled something from his pocket. Meanwhile, Edgar gave Chloe grief for not telling him Jack was alive. (Like anyone would tell Edgar that.) And, for not telling her about Studboy. And, score one for V the K, Studboy is a total mole.

Sam Gamgee ordered Jack's Season 4 girlfriend to interrogate Jack's Season 5 girlfriend. And Hairboy got sent to the doctor.

11:28:33 to 11:39:05

Jack checked in with Chloe, thanked her for saving him at the airport. She frowned and pouted, which is just Chloe's way of saying, "You're welcome." Sam Gangee gave Jack Bauer Level 2 clearance, and filled him in on the nerve gas while studboy played with his GameBoy in the background. San Gangee agreed with Jack Bauer's assessment that they needed to find out who put the hit on Gandalf... I mean, David Palmer.

S4GF used the opportunity of interrogation to try and find out if Jack was boinking S5GF. S5GF told her it was none of her damb business. (Translation: Damn Right I was hittin' that, beeyotch.) S4GF caught a glance at Jack from the office window. She gave chase and they had one of those awkward conversations that usually ensues when a guy fakes his death to get out of a clingy relationship then awkwardly runs into his ex. You all know what I'm talking about, right guys?

Meanwhile, Studboy the Mole was in the server room. Makin' copies. Tracking the Jackster. Trackarama. Trackalingo. Chloe walked in. All right. The Chlorinator. Chloe Chloe Bo Bowie. And she figured out about Studboy. Something about his clearance and looking where he don't oughtta be looking and I don't mean Edgar's underwear drawer.

Studboy helped get a Technical Support dude get into CTU past security; a deadly technical support dude. He pulled the tools out of his kit while Studboy babbled on about flagging vectors. Hey, wait. Since when do Microsoft Certified technicians pack heat? All things considered, could you blame a technical support guy for packing heat?

Then, there was a Verizon commercial with Jack's voice doing the voice over. Weird.

11:43:25 to 11:48:48

Crazy First Lady woke up and saw the assistant packing her things. She figured out that the Weaselwais having her sent to the Mary Todd Lincoln suite at Bob Newhart's Vermont Inn. (A real rodent theme in tonight's episode. Rats, Moles, Weasels. Sidney Blumenthal.) Then, she escaped through the bathroom window, as many women will do to get out of a bad relationship. With Jack Bauer's faked death, this creates a nice narrative bookend on the respective ways in which men and women deal with getting out of awkward situations with their significant others.

Next ... Uh, oh, Studboy is busted! And Chloe is pissed... She unloads on him and gets him SO busted at work. So, that's yet a third way of dealing with awkward interpersonal relationships. (She's vulnerable. Now's your chance, Edgar. Or, at least as much of a chance as you're ever going to get in this life.) Studboy revealed he was stalking Jack Bauer, but he was only following orders.

11:53:15 to 11:59:59

Jack Bauer and Sam Gangee put the pieces together. And they pointed, to the degree that pieces can point, to President Weasel's administration. Just then, the "doctor" called and told them Tony was conscious! On the way to the infirmary, Jack and Hairboy had a bonding moment. "As soon as this is over, you and I will get a chance to talk." Jack's prior experience indicates it will be over in about 18 hours, 10 minutes.

Jack visits Tony, but Tony was not conscious. (I thought he had recovered quickly for someone whacked in the head with an exploding car door). Jack spotted the assasin in a reflective surface (an oldie, but a goodie). They fought and for about half a second, the assassin seemed to be kicking Jack's ass. Then, Jack killed him with toenail scissors. The doc was also dead, to. So...

Episode 5: Body Count +2

Jack began to interrogate Studboy. Studboy, having accessed Jack's previous classified files (probably DVD's of Seasons 1-4) knew he was going to tell Jack what Jack wanted to know, it was only a question of how much it was going to hurt. Studboy wet his pants and gave up Sid Blumenthal before Jack had even dislocated a single phalange. Sid Blumenthal supposedly wanted to make sure CTU was operating "within the rules." (Probably he was concerned about CTU not having court orders before wiretapping terrorists). Jack reiterated to Sam Gamgee that he is not working for CTU and so can do whatever the Hell he wants.

Next week: Look out Sid Blumenthal. Jack is coming for you.