TiVo Blogging: The Following Took Place Between 12:00 pm and 1:00 pm
12:00:00 to 12:10:19
So, when the show opens in the CTU we got Jack, Chiggy Killer, Sam Gamgee, and Audrey (a.k.a. S4GF) discussing strategy, and the delicate situation of dealing with President Weasel and Sid Blumenthal. "Jack, when Sid Blumenthal finds out you're alive, he's going to be coming for you," They warn him. Jack isn't worried. "So long as I have a knife and he has an eyeball, I'm not worried." Sweet Potato Face and Truffle Shuffle exchange glances. The CTU/Jack Bauer Dead Pool begins taking bets.
Meanwhile, at the Port of Los Angeles, Badger prepares to move out the nerve gas.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, President Weasel and Dick Cheney watch a video of the nerve gas in action. They watch a video of a man bleeding from his eyeballs and writhing in agony. He either was exposed to the gas or saw Courtney Love naked. Dick Cheney tells him them the stuff the terrorists have is worse, and if the terrorists use it, "It will be like 9-11 times 12,000." And no one knows what that is.
Suddenly, Dick Cheney gets a text message on his phone. "It's Jack Bauer. Call me on a secure line. Tell no one." Dick Cheney excuses himself and gets on the phone with Jack. Jack tells Cheney "It's good to hear your voice," and starts breathing heavily. "I'm not comfortable with all this secrecy, Jack," Cheney tells him. Unfortunately, it seems the Evil Anti-CTU intercepted Jack's phone call to Dick Cheney. At first, they think it's a Brokeback Mountain scenario, then they realize that it's Jack Bauer they're talking about here. Yes, he'll kill without remorse. Yes, he'll get addicted to heroin, but no way does Jack Bauer do sweaty mansex. Evil Anti-CTU guy alerts Sid Blumenthal and tells him to take care of Jack Bauer.
Hairboy and his mom are checking out of the CTU Hilton. Jack talks to his mother. "You're not coming back to us, are you?" And, for the first time in human history, a man gives a woman the "I can't see you any more, I'm a secret agent and my country needs me" speech and really means it.
12:14:32 to 12:25:35
Act II opens with Secret Service Agent Red Foreman finding Mrs. President Weasel hiding behind some saddles in the stables (after first checking the basement and finding her smoking pot with Ashton Kutcher and Fez). The other Secret Service drones walk her out of the stable. I couldn't help but notice what really nice stone tile floor they had in there... and the complete absence of horse apples. Just sayin'.
Meanwhile, back at the nerve gas, some guy presses a tiny keyboard, and a tiny readout says "CODE VERIFIED" (I think the code was 1-2-3-4, same as my luggage). The guy then demands his payment from Badger (a.k.a. the guy in the yellow tie), but it looks like Badger is fixing to ditch on the bill. Typical... whatever ethnicity he is.
Then, to give a shout out to chick viewers, S4GF and S5GF talk about their feelings and stuff. S5GF ells S4GF that Jack still loves her. Mercifully, the scene ends.
And then Jack is driving his Ford Explorer SUV to his rendezvous with Dick Cheney, and S4GF calls him on his Verizon cell phone to ask if he is coming back when this is over? Jack doesn't know what he's doing next but it SURE AS HELL DOESN'T INVOLVE ROTTING IN A CHINESE PRISON where his only access to the outside world is the Censored version of Google. He admits he never stopped loving S4GF, but since he admits this while driving a large black pick-up, his masculinity is undiminished.
Meanwhile, in President Weasel's Office, Sid Blumenthal tells President Weasel that he really was working with the terrorists to help smuggle the nerve gas out of the USA. However, it's a double-cross. They're planting nerve gas so they can detonate the canisters and then get access to the o-i-l-l-l-l-l-l! (All right. Who brought in Move-On to consult on the script? Really!) Sid Blumenthal confesses to putting the hit on David Palmer and tells President Weasel he has to bring down Jack Bauer or else he'll ruin everything.
12:29:44 to 12:38:24
Jack and Dick Cheney begin their rendezvous with more out-of-context Brokeback Mountain innuendo*. Their moment is interrupted by the arrival of a scary black helicopter and several Secret Service SUV's. Jack huskily whispers to Cheney "Did you tell anyone we were meeting?" Cheney, "I finally figured out how to quit you!" Then, a massive force of Secret Service guards bust jack.
Jack is brought to the main house. Jack and Red Foreman exchange meaningful glances. Seeing Jack in handcuffs stirs forbidden memories in Red Foreman. "Why wasn't I told Jack was here?" he says, anxiously checking his hair in the rearview mirror of the Explorer.
Meanwhile, back at the CTU. Chiggy Killer wants to press ahead with nailing the terrorists and grabbin the nerve gas, Sam Gamgee wants to stand down per President Weasel's orders. Chiggy Killer and Sam Gamgee have words. Sam Gamgee doesn't like it when Chiggy Killer tells him what to do. Chiggy Killer doesn't give a damn. Chiggy Killer wins and CTU continues the search.
The First lady's Assistamt Babe (1LAB) helps her pack for the Stratford Inn. Just the thought of putting up with Larry, Darryl, and Darryl presses the first lady into deep despair, coupled with traumatic memories of Julia Duffy. Needless to say, she is majorly bummer about the whole deal, and seriously wondering if it's possible to overdose on maple syrup and Ben-n-Jerry's Mumia's Cop-Killuh-Crunch ice cream.
Red Foreman and Jack have a conversation in the stable. Jack Bauer tells Red Foreman that Sid Blumenthal is in bed with the terrorists. Red Foreman is not surprised. Frankly, no one who knows Sid Blumenthal would be.
12:42:55 to 12:49:16
Red Foreman tells the Secret Service dude that Jack bauer has escaped. Again, no one is surprised. In the next scene, Jack and Red Foreman burst in on the president and Sid Blumenthal. To the delight of fans everywhere, Jack begins to kick the crap out of Sid Blumenthal. (At home, Ken Starr is yelling at his TV "Pound him in the kidneys, Jack!") The President is... well, President Weasel has basically two emotions, furious and confused. As Jack pounds on Sid Blumenthal like sheap veal, the president is showing both.
Sid Blumenthal is not giving up the location of the nerve gas (which he previously denied knowing about to the president). Then, Jack does what we've all been waiting for. Oh, yeah, knife in the eyeball. Do it! Do it! Do it! Sid Blumenthal spills his guts. The nerve gas is in a freighter leaving the port of Long Beach at 2:30 for the Central Asia. Jack calls in to CTU. CTU sends in HazMat Teams to intercept the nerve gas. Jack tells the president he will disappear again once the nerve gas is recovered.
Well, that was a short season.
12:53:42 to 12:59:59
President and Mrs. Weasel reconcile. "It was Sid Blumenthal. He lied. He convinced me that your concerns were just a crazy conspiracy theory." (As opposed to sending nerve gas to Russia in order to seize Central Asian oil deposits.)
So, anyway, Sweet Potato Face, shows up at the end of the episode in time to tell Chiggy Killer and Sam Gamgee she's located everything but the individual container with the nerve gas in it. Fortunately, Truffle Shuffle has narrowed down the exact container where the nerve gas is located. Heavily armed cops prepare to swarm the cargo container. Inside they find lots of crates, and one dead dude. The dead dude is the dude who Badger was trying to get out of paying (and I think the evening's only stiff). Also, the nerve gas canisters are gone.
Sid Blumenthal comes in and denies knowing anything about the nerve gas hijacking. Jack takes out his knife and tries to decide whether the eyeball or the testicle is the best interrogation vector. Then, Badger calls Sid Blumenthal on his cell phone. Badger has hijacked the nerve gas. "Your country is about to pay a very steep price."
Gee, I wonder what he means by that.
*Note to self: Never EVER use Brokeback Mountain and innuendo in the same sentence again.