TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 5:00 PM and 6:00 PM

5:00:00 to 05:12:36

As we join Tony is regaining consciousness. The first person he sees is a Chiggy Killer. "I had the strangest dream," he says. "And you were there, and Edgar, and Jack, and some Hobbit guy." Chiggy Killer brings him up to speed on Jack being alive and helping out CTU. Tony says he needs to speak to Jack right frakking now. He also asks how his wife is. "Oh, um, she's gonna be fine," Chiggy Killer says, "but,... um... on a totally unrelated subject, do you know Dr. Phil says a new romance is often the best way to deal with the death of a spouse. On another unrelated note, have you ever noticed how hot Chloe is?"

Meanwhile, various second and third responders are cleaning up the scene of the ambush. Red Foreman is keeping an eye on Mary Todd, who is a little upset that her husband the weasel did not just let the attack happen but helped the terrorists. She saw something just like this on Dr. Phil.

Meanwhile, Comrade HATO and his terrorists are setting up the nerve gas. They plan to set off the first canister as a diversion before they hit the real target or targets. And they will also need the key card Cartman's Mom and John McCain stole from Sam Gamgee, who are selling it for crack money. So, evidently, the terrorists' entire plan hinged on exploiting the dysfunctional relative of an unstable CTU Director. Obviously, they took notes during previous seasons.

Jack finds out from Chloe that Biff Henderson is dumping all the data from his office computer to his home computer in Toluca Lake. Jack prepares to use his superpowers to fold space in order to make it there in about five minutes despite Rush Hour LA Traffic.

Token finds the schematic of a building in the pocket of one of the dead terrorists, with a notation 18:00 in the corner. Obviously the terrorists are not real familiar with the conventions of military timekeeping or they would have written 1800, without the colon.

Tony gets out of bed and crosses to a mirror to checkout his beautiful face. After singing a few bars of "I Feel Pretty, he sneaks out of the Infirmary and finds a computer. He looks up his wife's file and finds out he's back on the market.

5:17:02 to 5:24:36

Navy chopper lands at the presidential retreat. Red Foreman is admiring the fifty cal sticking out the side. "You could really blow away some dumbasses with this." Weasel runs out to meet his wife, "Hey, Hon', sorry about letting the terrorists try to kill you and all. Can we still have maritals tonight?" She tells him to stuff himself. Then, Weasel begs Russian President Subaru for help with terrorists. Subaru, being much more in touch with his feminine side, observes "Your wife seemed upset in the limousine." Like she knew something was going to happen." Weasel reassures, "Yeah, she's nuts. She's a tiger in the sack, though... Rowrrrr!"

Meanwhile, at CTU, Sam Gamgee begs Chiggy Killer to let him call Cartman's Mom. Chiggy Killer agrees to grant him the use of the phone and some privacy. He calls Cartman's Mom and begs her for the return of his CTU Shopper's Club Card. She agrees to get it back to him, but John McCain tells her no way, he intends to sell it for crack money.

Back at the ranch, Weasel wants to see his wife, but Evelyn tells him to stuff himself. Then, Mary Todd tells Evelyn to send for Red Foreman.

Truffle Shuffle finds a match to the building schematic, a hospital in Westwood. And then, to prove its accuracy, the director cuts to a hospital where a terrorist is wheeling the Tex-Mex gas out on a gurney. He looks and talks like Mr. Chekhov from Star Trek... thus is his nickname born.

5:29:04 to 5:37:02

Jack is outside Biff Henderson's house with his man-purse. Judging by the lighting, Biff Henderson lives on Cylon-occupied Caprica, but that's no problem for Jack (what with the space-folding and all). Mrs. Henderson—we'll call her Florence—is washing peppers in the kitchen. Jack busts in demands to see Biff Henderson's computer, explains about how Biff was involved in creating nerve gas, in helping terrorists, and in a scheme to sell American seaports to A-Rab companies. She doesn't believe him, so Jack pulls a gun on her and demands to see Biff's computer. "Come on Jack, you don't need to hold a gun on me," she purrs coquettishly. Jack sits down at the computer.

Token's got the hospital on the phone, and they are evacuating and stepping up security. The hospital administrator informs him that they've evacuated most of the easy patients and the machine that goes 'PING!', but the ICU patients, including newborn babies are still trapped in the hospital. The NARAL representative shrugs and says "So, what's the big deal." Comrade Chekhov is freaked out and calls Comrade HATO. "Sair, there are wery many guards guarding the stairvells. I need another place to release the wessel of Tex-Mex." Comrade HATO informs him that as of now, he is officially wearing the red shirt.

Meanwhile, Red Foreman drops in on Mary Todd. She thanks him for saving her life, and then takes his hand. (But what of Kitty, and Eric?) Cheney walks in at this inopportune moment. "Hey, the presidents been trying to reach you," Cheney says. "We weren't doing anything," Red Foreman insists. "Nothing happened." "Well, whatever didn't happen make sure it doesn't not happen again!" Cheney snarls. "Or I will fill you SO full of birdshot." Red feels like a real dumbass.


5:41: 32 to 5:47:36

CTU gets intel from the Russians about a Russian billionaire named Vladimir Bearko (a.k.a. Comrade HATO). He's not only been bankrolling separatist terror movements, he also put in a bid to run terminal operations at American Ports. Obviously, he's pure evil.

Meanwhile, Jack and Chloe find downloaded music on Biff Henderson's hard drive, mostly Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, and Linda Ronstadt. "My God," says Florence. "He really is a traitor. Dr. Phil was right!" Chloe alerts RIAA. Chloe then finds a secret hard drive, and Jack asks Florence for the password. She says doesn't know what it is. Jack orders Chloe to hack into it. As we all know from watching any movie or TV show requiring hacking, all it takes to break a password is to stare anxiously at a screen while frantically typing... and nobody can look more anxious or type more frantically than Chloe.

Meanwhile, at the hospital, the hospital administrator finds Chekhov lurking in a place where no orderly has ever been seen before... the Orderlies' washroom. Token and a squad of jackbooted thugs begin to sneak up on Chekhov just as he is arming the Tex-Mex torpedo. Chekhov runs for it, but Token takes him down. One of the jack-booted thugs finds the Tex-Mex gas. Token calls for a chemical response team with a really big Hefty bag to throw over the canister (I mean, that would pretty much trap the gas, right?)

5:52:03 to 5:59:59

More jack-booted thugs move in on the Tex-Mex gas. I'm not seeing a Hefty bag. That's okay. Nobody listens to Eeeyore.

Chloe informs Jack that Biff is using a double-secret encryption key. No amount of scowling will crack the code." Meanwhile, Biff gets home and Jack cold cocks him and orders him to handcuff himself behind his back. Jack puts the gun to Biff's throat. Florence starts screaming like trailer trash during a domestic dispute on COPS. "Don't hurt him. Ah luhv heem." Then, Jack opens the briefcase and shakes out enough money to buy gold teeth for every pimp in Compton. Biff double dog dares Jack to shoot him in the knee. So, Jack shoots his wife in the knee instead and threatens to shoot her again. Biff calls Jack's bluff... and Jack doesn't shoot her again.

Meanwhile Token and the team are trying to defuse the Tex-Mex Torpedo. Since they can't disarm it, and they didn't bring a hefty bag, they run upstairs with the canister through a big crowd of people and put the gas into a big octagonal fish tank with two seconds to spare.

Meanwhile, John McCain and Cartman's Mom are tied up and shot by one of the terrorists, and thus are spared Fight Club humiliation at the hands of Rose and Bernard.