Liveblogging 5-7 PM

24: Season 5 — 5:00 PM-7:00 PM — Live-Blogging
Ladies and gentleman, I am your host tonight. And in a few short minutes, we will begin the 2-hour 24 marathon.

And I am pleased to present to you, the moment I above all others have been anticipating: KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER.

That's right, tonight's the night. I'll be back when the clock starts ticking.

(By the way, I'm pretty sure that we'll now be number one on searches for Kim Bauer. Also, if you like Kim as much as I do, I recommend that you investigate this post, which will be included in the Carnival of Bauer™ later this week. Don't forget to submit your posts, too!)

Here it comes!

Nobody relieve me of command under section 112 tonight, okay? I promise I'm not crazy, I just love Kim Bauer.

5:00—Tony's awake!! And asking for Michelle. That's the first thing I'd do too, after I asked for Kim Bauer.

5:02—Don't tell Tony what he needs to do. Do what Tony tells you you need to do. Like get him some drugs, or a hot wife.

5:03—Is she really surprised that her husband was willing to let her be killed?

And would they really fly a helicopter into an area that had just seen a major, heavily-armed terrorist attack? Who's to say there isn't another terrorist with a Stinger on his shoulder right around the corner?

5:05—Uh-oh. Cartman's mom's boyfriend is about to get iced for trying to sell something to terrorists when they could just as easily kill him and take it.

"It's my job to handle impossible situations, and I failed, and not for the first time." Truer words have never been spoken by a weasel at any point in history.

5:06—I like that Jack doesn't even question that Samwise is gone and Chiggy Killer is back in his place. And that he knows he'll be more effective than a tac team.

5:08—Prediction: "I wonder what that building is... OH MY GOD IT'S CTU!!!!" Anybody agree?

5:10—Fresh out a of a coma and Tony's still ready to kick some ass. I love it. Of course now they're going to try to sedate him. I'm betting that when the gas goes in CTU, Tony's either dead because he's sedated and they can't move him, or he's saved because he's asleep and breathing more slowly. Or maybe they'll even need to put him on oxygen. Hmmm. I guess that's not much of a prediction. "I bet something happens!" Quick, RFTR, change the subject so they don't think you've lost it... um...KIM BAUER is coming! Whew, that ought to hold the little SOBs. (Bonus points for anyone who gets the reference).

5:16—Uh-oh. President Subaru knows that Martha is acting strangely. He knows that it was weird that she got in the car. He knows that President Weasel knew.

5:17—Samwise wants to talk to Cartman's Mom. This should be interesting. Can we hope that a Section 112 means Samwise's keycard is disabled? Not likely.

5:20—Nobody's going to pay him $20,000 to get the card. They're going to pay him with a hail of bullets. It's very effective anywhere in the world, especially if they don't take American Express.

5:23—Damn, I was wrong—it wasn't CTU, it was some hospital. OH! I get it. The plot to smuggle the nerve gas out of the country was hatched by neocons who wanted to prove that there are WMD in South Asia, right? Well the terrorists are going to pump nerve gas into a hospital because they're fervent believers in the "right to die." The two are about comparable, right?

5:25—I've been liveblogging for half an hour, and I have to take a nature break on the next ad. Jack has been chasing terrorists for half a day, and has yet to use the bathroom. How does that work?

5:31—You'd better tell Jack whatever he wants to know, or he will double-tap you to the chest. You don't want that nice sweater to be all blood-stained, now do you?

5:33—If Jack's trying to convince her that he's telling the truth and not insane, sitting down at the computer and then talking to "Chloe" is not going to help his case, since she can't see his earpiece.

5:34—Did she just hand Aaron something, or are we about to see a threeway between Aaron, Dick Cheney, and Martha Lincoln?

5:36—Newborns that are in the ICU? So they're not just right to die terrorists, they're also pro-choicers!

5:37—Okay, can someone die or can something blow up soon? This is a pretty slow episode so far.

Ad—Is anyone else totally sick of these terrible Pepsi commercials?

5:39—Shut up Chris's wife. You're a minor character, and Jack isn't doing this out of revenge, he's doing it because your husband is a bad dude.

5:40—My roommate thinks the password is "Big boy." (Extra points for anyone who gets the reference).

5:42—Could be that Curtis is about to get a face full of nerve toxin... can anyone tell me whey they don't have gas masks at the ready?

5:45—Shut up, RFTR, they did have them ready. Here's my question though (and my roommate agrees): why don't they have one guy on that tac team carry a backpack? And in that backpack they could place, for example, some plastic sheets and duct tape. Worst case scenario, you cover the thing and tape it to the gurney, while also covering and sealing off the air duct. That way only that little basement room gets contaminated, and everyone in there has gas masks. Instead they have to wait for a chemical response team to get downstairs?

Seems like they're a little underprepared to me. And you know what they say... Prior Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance. I mean, just look at that little man purse that Jack carries around with him this season? Clearly he's got everything he could possibly need in there.

5:52—I was just thinking the same thing as Cola: there are still an awful lot of people in there for a building being evacuated.

5:53—Why is Jack leaving Miriam alone? Nice hit, though.

5:54—Jack, don't start with his knee or his neck. Start with her knee. He'll talk for her.

5:55—He's got a suitcase full of money and claims that he didn't do anything out of greed? REALLY?

NICE! He shot her knee like I said. I am so good.

But Robocop calls his bluff, and is such a sadistic bastard that he won't even protect his wife. Poor Jack thought he was doing the right thing only to realize what a monster he's really dealing with. That was a bit intense.

5:57—This does not seem like a good idea, runnign a cannister of nerve gas through a crowded hallway. It worked, but that was a little ridiculous.

That's all the congratulations Cola gets? A simple "good work Curtis?"

5:59—Well, Cartman's Mom and boyfriend got it, like I said... I think we probalby all saw that coming.

And here comes hour 2! Everyone still with me?

6:00—Ooooooh! What a badass Russian. He kicked the gate instead of opening it with his hand. Tough guy! Tough guy about to become Samwise Gamgee.

6:01—Be it known that the bad guy terrorist is now known as Beerguy, until V the K comes up with a better name.

6:02—KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER KIM BAUER!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

6:04—Wait, old one-arm left Kim? Jack's going to go at the other arm with a fire axe now.

6:09—Sorry about that, I had to get the picture up and it was more complicated than I expected. Who's the guy calling for martial law? Are you kidding me? You think people won't panic when troops start rolling into LA?

When are they going to wise up and just start cloning Jack and let him run everything?

6:17—Awwwwwww. Penis-nose is happy to see Jack. And Jack's about to Kim. Little do they know, elsewhere in CTU, not-Samwise Gamgee is plotting to kill them all.

And if he kills Kim, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. It may very well be the last time you see me posting on this blog.

That's right Kim, you don't have to say anything. Just take off your clothes.

6:20—This Barry guy has GOT to go. Jack is selfish? Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea what Jack has gone through in his life? Seriously, dude, rent seasons 1-4 on Netflix before you try judging Jack.

6:21—Seriously, this can't be all we see of Kim! And penis-nose REALLY needs a nose job. It's killing me.

6:23—Give Tony a gun and send him out with Bacardi and Cola. This whole thing will be wrapped up in the next 35 minutes. (Possible nickname for Tony: a slice of lemon?)

6:25—Better yet, until he can get a gun, can Tony help with the interrogation? I mean, I know he can, but why don't they let him? Can you imagine the look of terror on Henderson's face when Jack, Tony and Curtis walk in the room to get some information? Especially when you have some idea of what they're about to do to you?

6:27—Seriously, guy, don't taunt Jack when he's about to torture you. The last time you did that you got your wife shot.

Did anyone see the look on Jack's face when he said "So she was his patient?" That would piss me off too, someone taking advantage of the doctor patient situation. And, as The Man points out in the comments, Jack cut off the arm of Kim's last boyfriend (with a fire-axe), and he liked that one.

I hope Barry is somehow involved in the terror plot so we can see Jack torture him with a lamp cord.

6:32—I think Dick Cheney is trying to pork Martha Lincoln.

6:34—Hey, once they put Samwise into custody, they brought the hot chick back. And Edgar just said something pretty stupid... "We're on high alert, I don't need you to tell me about the possibility of an internal security breach." Damnit Edgar, you're getting overly stressed and distracted again, and this time it's not your mom's but on the line but your own. Somebody give him a donut so he can calm down before he gets the hot chick done.

6:37—The only thing better than make-up sex: Presidential make-up sex in the middle of a terrorist threat.

6:38—Hottie's gone. And I don't know why she didn't leave the room right away instead of standing with the nerve gas and pulling out a cell phone.

Seriously, does CTU hire the dumbest people or what? Their salaries must be WAY too low.

Ads—New X-Men movie trailer. Sweet. They're showing us so much but not revealing the plot. This looks pretty sweet. I could not be more excited. And it leads right back into 24.

6:44—Kim, don't be a bitch. I love you too much to watch you be a bitch. Get it Kim? If he had told you, you'd be dead. Way to go, Chloe, talk some sense into that hot bitch.

I love you, Kim!

6:46—Gorramit Samwise, why don't you tell him about the stinkin' keycard!! FIGURE IT OUT!

6:47—Sigh. Samwise killed everyone in CTU. Nice, dude.

6:48—By the way, if Kim dies, I'm wearing a black arm band tomorrow. Who's with me?

I'm starting to think maybe she saves CTU by sacrificing herself?

Ads—Sopranos preview, too? I can't handle all the excitement tonight! Um, I will not be watching PrisonBreak. Sorry guys. And why are they giving us a preview of next week's 24 before they finish this week?

6:54—That is one clotheslined redshirt. Uh-oh, Edgar is about to get a face full of nerve gas.

Did that just happen? "Enter your passcode!" "But it's a lockdown!" Seriously? Are the redshirts that whiny? Well, no wonder he's dead.

6:56—Jack just told Chiggy Killer that the terrorist was in a flank 2 position.

6:57—So, does CTU have a means to vent the air system?

And how many people just died in that building? Did Barry just yell "let her in?" Jackass.

And is Henderson about to die? And what about Tony?

And there goes Edgar. He's eaten his last donut.

I'm worried about myself. I think I may be totally desensitized to violence.

Who else noticed that there were no beeps at the end of that episode?

The Man, what's your kill count?

Can Jack break the seal just long enough to push Barry into that room?

I have a hard time feeling bad for Edgar, since if he'd followed protocol on the possible security breach they might have prevented the whole thing. And at least he's with his mommy now.

Seriously, though, that sucks. I liked making fun of Truffle Shuffle.

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Well, kids, that's all I've got for you. I'm going to watch the 10:00 news so you don't have to, and if they say anything interesting about 24, I'll let you know.

Don't forget to check back for V the K's traditional TiVo blogging.