I couldn't have said it better myself
This was overheard in New York on the 6:

Guy #1: So this Jack guy is basically the luckiest man in the world.
Guy #2: Why, because he's survived like 5 attempts on his life and it's not even noon?
Guy #1: No; he could totally nail those two chicks.

Brilliant.

I'd say 3, though. He's forgetting Mrs. Logan.

Top 10 Signs MoveOn-dot-org Has Hijacked '24'

10. Whacked out moonbat conspiracy theory about WMD's as a cover for an oil war worked into critical plot point.

9. Jack Bauer constantly hounded by unattractive, middle-aged, thunder-thighed woman in shorts demanding to know what Behrooz died for.

8. Instead of torturing terrorists, Jack invites them to "tell me what's really bothering you. Come on. You'll feel better if you open up."

7. President Logan grows broom moustache, begins speaking in German. Computer technology used to insert Butterfly McQueen's "Prissy" character from Gone With the Wind as new Secretary of State.

6. President Logan resigns. In his resignation speech, he proclaims, "I stole the election so I don't deserve to be president, I also was AWOL during Vietnam, and I'm retarded and my butt smells and I like to smell my butt."

5. Good-bye scantily clad Kim Bauer, Hello scantily-clad Al Franken.

4. Unprecedented 93 Emmy nominations.

3. Season finale: Jack and Spencer head off on horseback to herd sheep on the side of some mountain.

2. CTU finally understands why terrorists hate us. Bill Buchanan and Edgar lead group hug.

1. Jack's New Love Interest: Barbra Streisand.

Jack Bauer Kill Counter Slowly Climbing

Someone call CTU, Jack Bauer went an hour without killing someone.

I blame Audrey (S4GF) and her messed-up face. She forced Jack to waste time in order to analyze his feelings for her and her nose. Jack Bauer's on his way to blow the cover of a conspiracy at the highest level of government that involves the murder of the Former President/All-State Spokesman, not to mention enough missing nerve gas to kill a Kennedy...and S4GF thinks it's a good time to have a relationship chat. Women - can't live with 'em...can't have Curtis torture 'em.

Moral of the story: Jack Bauer should have never unplugged Paul Raines.

I Think Jack Bauer Is Far Out, man
Believe it or not, I really enjoy watching Jack Bauer, sometimes. Take last night for example. It was good to see that no Muslims were implicated in the plot, setup by George Walker Cummings to plant WMDs in "central Asia". Where is "Central Asia" anyway and do they serve a mean #23 with a side of rice and an egg roll? No dude, the neo-cons at FOX mean IRAQ. Finally someone in the right-wing mainstream media has said it...it's all about the oil, wal-mart, and the jjjeeewwwws.

I mean, take the ChimpyMcBushilter character or as you guys call him "President Weasel". Who gave this guy the right to go along with Sid Blumenthal's idea to hide WMDs in "Central Asia"? What did these terrorists ever do to us? I didn't vote for The Weasel, he was...like selected not elected.

If Weasel was anymore like ChimpyMcBushilter, Laura and Barney could sue for copyright infringement or something. All the Weasel-in-Thief (note that it also starts with "W") has to do is nominate a former Hitler Youth member to the Supreme Court to make the likeness complete. Heck man, He's already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next? Me...when I get a phone?

Well man, I'll hit you guys up again next week. I hear Kim Bauer is back, she's ok. Peace.

Counterpoint
The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

The Tao Of Jack Bauer

I think some of these were posted by my counterparts before, but they're still brilliant:

1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

2. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

3. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

4. Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

5. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

8. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

9. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

11. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

12. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

13. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

14. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in MiddleEastern men.

15. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

16. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alerted. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

17. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*cking hates lemonade.

18. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

19. Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

20. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

21. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

22. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.

23. The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

24. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

25. No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel...

26. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

27. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

28. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

29. The real reason the Army ditched the "Army of One"campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

30. Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.

31. Jack Bauer doesn't urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.

32. That cougar that stalked Kim was actually Jack Bauer's pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through fear.

33. The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.

34. The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

35. Chase wasn't actually in any danger from that terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand because that's how he warns all of Kim's boyfriends.

36. Jack Bauer creates an "airtight perimeter" by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line.

37. Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous penis. That's why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.

38. The reason CTU's superiors are called "Division" is because Jack Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage because they couldn't bring him a sandwich in 24 hours.

39. Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.

40. CTU stands for Jack F*cking Bauer.

41. God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.

42. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.

43. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

44. Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.

45. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

(H/T, my brother Chris)

(Oh, by the way, feel free to vote for SYLG for Best Personal Blog at the Best So Far Blog Awards. Thanks!)

TiVo Blogging: The Following Took Place Between 12:00 pm and 1:00 pm

12:00:00 to 12:10:19

So, when the show opens in the CTU we got Jack, Chiggy Killer, Sam Gamgee, and Audrey (a.k.a. S4GF) discussing strategy, and the delicate situation of dealing with President Weasel and Sid Blumenthal. "Jack, when Sid Blumenthal finds out you're alive, he's going to be coming for you," They warn him. Jack isn't worried. "So long as I have a knife and he has an eyeball, I'm not worried." Sweet Potato Face and Truffle Shuffle exchange glances. The CTU/Jack Bauer Dead Pool begins taking bets.

Meanwhile, at the Port of Los Angeles, Badger prepares to move out the nerve gas.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, President Weasel and Dick Cheney watch a video of the nerve gas in action. They watch a video of a man bleeding from his eyeballs and writhing in agony. He either was exposed to the gas or saw Courtney Love naked. Dick Cheney tells him them the stuff the terrorists have is worse, and if the terrorists use it, "It will be like 9-11 times 12,000." And no one knows what that is.

Suddenly, Dick Cheney gets a text message on his phone. "It's Jack Bauer. Call me on a secure line. Tell no one." Dick Cheney excuses himself and gets on the phone with Jack. Jack tells Cheney "It's good to hear your voice," and starts breathing heavily. "I'm not comfortable with all this secrecy, Jack," Cheney tells him. Unfortunately, it seems the Evil Anti-CTU intercepted Jack's phone call to Dick Cheney. At first, they think it's a Brokeback Mountain scenario, then they realize that it's Jack Bauer they're talking about here. Yes, he'll kill without remorse. Yes, he'll get addicted to heroin, but no way does Jack Bauer do sweaty mansex. Evil Anti-CTU guy alerts Sid Blumenthal and tells him to take care of Jack Bauer.

Hairboy and his mom are checking out of the CTU Hilton. Jack talks to his mother. "You're not coming back to us, are you?" And, for the first time in human history, a man gives a woman the "I can't see you any more, I'm a secret agent and my country needs me" speech and really means it.


12:14:32 to 12:25:35

Act II opens with Secret Service Agent Red Foreman finding Mrs. President Weasel hiding behind some saddles in the stables (after first checking the basement and finding her smoking pot with Ashton Kutcher and Fez). The other Secret Service drones walk her out of the stable. I couldn't help but notice what really nice stone tile floor they had in there... and the complete absence of horse apples. Just sayin'.

Meanwhile, back at the nerve gas, some guy presses a tiny keyboard, and a tiny readout says "CODE VERIFIED" (I think the code was 1-2-3-4, same as my luggage). The guy then demands his payment from Badger (a.k.a. the guy in the yellow tie), but it looks like Badger is fixing to ditch on the bill. Typical... whatever ethnicity he is.

Then, to give a shout out to chick viewers, S4GF and S5GF talk about their feelings and stuff. S5GF ells S4GF that Jack still loves her. Mercifully, the scene ends.

And then Jack is driving his Ford Explorer SUV to his rendezvous with Dick Cheney, and S4GF calls him on his Verizon cell phone to ask if he is coming back when this is over? Jack doesn't know what he's doing next but it SURE AS HELL DOESN'T INVOLVE ROTTING IN A CHINESE PRISON where his only access to the outside world is the Censored version of Google. He admits he never stopped loving S4GF, but since he admits this while driving a large black pick-up, his masculinity is undiminished.

Meanwhile, in President Weasel's Office, Sid Blumenthal tells President Weasel that he really was working with the terrorists to help smuggle the nerve gas out of the USA. However, it's a double-cross. They're planting nerve gas so they can detonate the canisters and then get access to the o-i-l-l-l-l-l-l! (All right. Who brought in Move-On to consult on the script? Really!) Sid Blumenthal confesses to putting the hit on David Palmer and tells President Weasel he has to bring down Jack Bauer or else he'll ruin everything.


12:29:44 to 12:38:24

Jack and Dick Cheney begin their rendezvous with more out-of-context Brokeback Mountain innuendo*. Their moment is interrupted by the arrival of a scary black helicopter and several Secret Service SUV's. Jack huskily whispers to Cheney "Did you tell anyone we were meeting?" Cheney, "I finally figured out how to quit you!" Then, a massive force of Secret Service guards bust jack.

Jack is brought to the main house. Jack and Red Foreman exchange meaningful glances. Seeing Jack in handcuffs stirs forbidden memories in Red Foreman. "Why wasn't I told Jack was here?" he says, anxiously checking his hair in the rearview mirror of the Explorer.

Meanwhile, back at the CTU. Chiggy Killer wants to press ahead with nailing the terrorists and grabbin the nerve gas, Sam Gamgee wants to stand down per President Weasel's orders. Chiggy Killer and Sam Gamgee have words. Sam Gamgee doesn't like it when Chiggy Killer tells him what to do. Chiggy Killer doesn't give a damn. Chiggy Killer wins and CTU continues the search.

The First lady's Assistamt Babe (1LAB) helps her pack for the Stratford Inn. Just the thought of putting up with Larry, Darryl, and Darryl presses the first lady into deep despair, coupled with traumatic memories of Julia Duffy. Needless to say, she is majorly bummer about the whole deal, and seriously wondering if it's possible to overdose on maple syrup and Ben-n-Jerry's Mumia's Cop-Killuh-Crunch ice cream.

Red Foreman and Jack have a conversation in the stable. Jack Bauer tells Red Foreman that Sid Blumenthal is in bed with the terrorists. Red Foreman is not surprised. Frankly, no one who knows Sid Blumenthal would be.


12:42:55 to 12:49:16

Red Foreman tells the Secret Service dude that Jack bauer has escaped. Again, no one is surprised. In the next scene, Jack and Red Foreman burst in on the president and Sid Blumenthal. To the delight of fans everywhere, Jack begins to kick the crap out of Sid Blumenthal. (At home, Ken Starr is yelling at his TV "Pound him in the kidneys, Jack!") The President is... well, President Weasel has basically two emotions, furious and confused. As Jack pounds on Sid Blumenthal like sheap veal, the president is showing both.

Sid Blumenthal is not giving up the location of the nerve gas (which he previously denied knowing about to the president). Then, Jack does what we've all been waiting for. Oh, yeah, knife in the eyeball. Do it! Do it! Do it! Sid Blumenthal spills his guts. The nerve gas is in a freighter leaving the port of Long Beach at 2:30 for the Central Asia. Jack calls in to CTU. CTU sends in HazMat Teams to intercept the nerve gas. Jack tells the president he will disappear again once the nerve gas is recovered.

Well, that was a short season.



12:53:42 to 12:59:59

President and Mrs. Weasel reconcile. "It was Sid Blumenthal. He lied. He convinced me that your concerns were just a crazy conspiracy theory." (As opposed to sending nerve gas to Russia in order to seize Central Asian oil deposits.)

So, anyway, Sweet Potato Face, shows up at the end of the episode in time to tell Chiggy Killer and Sam Gamgee she's located everything but the individual container with the nerve gas in it. Fortunately, Truffle Shuffle has narrowed down the exact container where the nerve gas is located. Heavily armed cops prepare to swarm the cargo container. Inside they find lots of crates, and one dead dude. The dead dude is the dude who Badger was trying to get out of paying (and I think the evening's only stiff). Also, the nerve gas canisters are gone.

Sid Blumenthal comes in and denies knowing anything about the nerve gas hijacking. Jack takes out his knife and tries to decide whether the eyeball or the testicle is the best interrogation vector. Then, Badger calls Sid Blumenthal on his cell phone. Badger has hijacked the nerve gas. "Your country is about to pay a very steep price."

Gee, I wonder what he means by that.


*Note to self: Never EVER use Brokeback Mountain and innuendo in the same sentence again.

24: Season 5 — 12:00 PM-1:00 PM — Live-Blogging
Hey there cats and kittens, it's RFTR with your 9:00 liveblogging comin' atcha. We're just about half an hour out, so get your TVs ready to turn to Fox, make sure your TiVo (or non-branded DVR for all you people like me out there) is set to record, and keep your browsers pointed right here at Blogs4Bauer.

And remember: the comments are your place for liveblogging. Feel free to respond to anything I say, or post your own independent thoughts.

I'll be back in 30 and we'll get started.

12:02 - Samwise says it's about getting the nerve gas, not revenge for Palmer. Why do they have to be mutually exclusive? If you can get the nerve gas AND revenge Palmer, then why wouldn't you?

12:03 - Whoa! No more close-ups of Audrey. She is definitely HFFFFH. Can't the DoD pay for a nose-job or something? Geez.

12:04 - Yikes. I'd very much not like to be exposed to that nerve gas. And who's the poor sap on the training video?

12:07 - Uh-oh... Jack sent the kid away with a red shirt. That does not bode well for his future.

12:10 - Cummings is going to go up against Jack? Obviously he's suffering from delusions of grandeur.

12:16 - Just a thought—every plot of 24 could be prevented if we just didn't allow sitting Presidents, presidential candidates, or SecDefs anywhere near California. Every time the nation faces a major crisis, it's because somebody is in California who shouldn't be.

12:17 - Did anyone see what that longshoreman did in the crate? I missed it, but it looked like he might have set a timer on one of the cans of nerve gas...

12:19 - Hey, cool! Audrey has the same phone I do! It's pretty good, but there's something wrong with the speaker in my earpiece.

12:20 - Uh-oh, Jack has his bag of tricks again. Now I know something major is about to go down.

12:22 - What? Cummings is coming clean?? And Logan is listening to him???? At least put the guy in handcuffs, first! Let Jack at him.

Ohhhhh now I get it. Cummings is going to play the "neocon" rushing to war while waving the flag—yikes.

12:25 - If Logan were a real man, he'd let his presidency "be implicated" and "destroyed," in order to reveal the truth and prevent an unspeakable tragedy. I mean, come on—does he really think Cummings is capable of playing the terrorists? That's just ridiculous.

Who wants to bet that the top terrorist's plan all along was to load the cannisters onto a ship and then turn it around and bring them right back into the states?

Don't forget that the Russian President is in California too—dollars to donuts he's the real target, not Moscow. Remember, you heard it here first.

Oh, and does anyone think that they'll ever explain to us why there were nerve gas cannisters hidden under Ontario airport?

12:32 - Jack in cuffs—that ain't cool. Now we've got the weasel fighting against Bauer again, and this time to protect a traitor.

Cummings should be swinging from the nearest tall tree by now.

12:34 - The Secret Service [Pierce] guy is figuring it out. He'll get Jack out.

12:35 - Yes! Samwise, shut your mouth and disregard the order.

12:36 - Mrs. Logan "How did this happen?" You married a weasel!!

12:38 - Pierce knows there's something going on, and he's seen Jack save the day enough times to know to listen to him. Let's see if he does.

12:44 - YEAH PIERCE!!! "DO something!" "I am Mr. President, I'm upholding my oath to protect you!"

That was frakkin awesome. And it continues to be. I'm completely prepared to watch Bauer torture Cummings.

Take an eye! Take an eye!

Damn, Cummings broke. But now Logan has seen how effective Bauer can be—maybe he'll be a little more trusting from now on...? Doubtful.

12:47 - Well, Logan has finally shaped up. That was a good move putting CTU back in charge. And Pierce and Bauer yet again show what kind of guys they are by being prepared to face the consequences of their actions.

And Logan was ready to get rid of Cummings—that's good, but he's still too much of a flip-flopper.

12:49 - Sorry, Logan, but Bauer disappearing has been shown to be the exact opposite of what's best for the country.

Can we just take a moment to pause and reflect on the fact that Jack Bauer was just allowed to effectively torture and interrogate the White House Chief of Staff in the President's presence?

Now let's all have fun picturing Jack torturing George Stephanapolous in front of Bill Clinton. Or, better yet, Bob Shrum in front of John Kerry. Feel free to supply your own.

12:54 - Are they seriously going to commit the First Lady even though she was right? Oh, no, there we go... that's better.

12:55 - Yeah! Don't trust the asshole! Go to the press! Get him impeached!

12:59 - Saw that coming. Of course there are no cannisters there. Like I said, did Cummings really think he could play the terrorists? Of course they figured him out. And now the nerve gas is loose. And Cummings turned the terrorists against us. Beautiful.

Beep-boop, beep-boop, beep-boop.

1 death—Cummings's inside man.

Comments? Thoughts? Complaints about my liveblogging?

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge

Last week, AM42 and Al lowballed the kill count and Al came out on top. Lucky for Al, Jack Bauer took the hour off to focus on getting his ex-girlfriend and current girlfriend together in order to win some bet with Tony and Curtis.

This hour, Jack "is not CTU" and will be going to get Cumming himself. He's going to take out the Chief of Staff without letting the President know. Probably Jack Bauer's most gutsy move since he decided on the "flank 2" position a couple of hours ago.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count
How many people are going to die tonight?

Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy
Guess - 4

Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR
Guess - 14

Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL
Guess - 2

Jack Bauer wins SAG Award, beheads Paul Giamatti

Everyone knows that Jack Bauer likes to kick back and have a good time. Here at Blogs4Bauer we would like to congratulate Jack on his SAG Award for best Ass-kicker in a drama series.

We however, do not agree with his decision to behead Paul Giamatti and then to present the head to Heath Ledger and the cast of Brokeback Mountain just because he hated the movie Sideways and did not want the cowboys to go home empty-handed.

Jack Bauer is not the only CTU agent that has a bad day or five? During 24: Season 3 - Chase Edmunds fell in love with Kim Bauer, got beaten up by Jack Bauer, had to rely on Chloe to take care of his kid, was shot in the hand by drug dealers, and then had his arm cut off with an axe by Jack in order "to save Los Angeles from the Cordilla virus."

Moral of the story: Don't even think about laying that hand on Kim Bauer, unless you want to lose it.

Click Here for a background on Chase Edmunds.

People I Hate (24 Edition)

Edgar Stiles

CTU's calorically-challenged chimpanzee would have been fired from a real government position years ago. Of course, if he worked in Philadelphia, he would be mayor by now. At one moment, Edgar is tracking Islamo-fascist terrorists. The next moment, he is whimpering like a Dr. Phil guest about his multitude of personal, psychological, and pasta problems. Like Terrell Owens, Edgar is pretty talented when he is focused on his game. Unfortunately, like Terrell Owens, Edgar is a major head case. He is a true enigma: a mystery, wrapped inside a riddle, wrapped inside a Twinkie.

Audrey Raines

Jack Bauer's love interest from last season has got a terrific body, but as my friend Brian would say, "She's beat in the face." Combine that with her piss-poor disposition, and her catty attitude toward Diana (Jack's gal pal this season), and you have the makings of a first-rate bitch. Don't cry for Jack, Audrey-tina; you had your chance.

CTU Security

These flunkies are a prime example of how far one can get with a GED. On their watch the wife of a murdered agent shot and killed terrorist Stephen Saunders; Nina Meyers held Kim Bauer hostage inside a computer room; and an inept hit man murdered a clinic doctor and tried to kill Jack. These buffoons are about as aware of their surroundings as the stunned sheriff who led Oswald to Jack Ruby. And who designed the uniforms? Red shirts, do these people double as bartenders?

(Cross-posted on Support Your Local Gunfighter.)

Kim Bauer Kim Bauer Kim Bauer Kim Bauer Kim Bauer

According to IMDB, Kim Bauer makes her glorious return to 24 on February 6th (1pm-2pm).

We have Russian terrorists hell-bent on using nerve gas, Tony's drugged (again), Palmer and Michelle are dead, Edgar is expanding, Hobbits are running loose, and Chloe has displayed more attitude than an entire episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen. To say the least...CTU has changed since Kim last worked there.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge
Will Kim help or hurt the current situation? How?

Updated Sidebar
Since we now have an entire post devoted to the Blogs4Bauer Blogring, I've removed that pod from the sidebar. Also, the "Recent Posts" pod never really did anything for me.

In their place, I've added a "Jack's Favorite Posts" pod and a "Liveblogging" pod. They're pretty self-explainatory, but in case you're a moron, allow me to clarify: the former is a listing of all of the posts I have deemed to be among our best. You may disagree with me, and I welcome you to make additional recommendations in the comments, but since I am the webmaster I get final say. So ha.

The latter is a listing of our many liveblogs, so you can quickly review what's happened in previous episodes and what we had to say about it.

Comments, complaints? Let's hear 'em in the comments! I promise I'll take everything into consideration before laughing you into ridicule. Really!

UPDATE [1/17/2006 - 23:55]: If you want to compare it to the old sidebar, visit the Google cache.

Join the Blogs 4 Bauer Blogring Today

It may be too late for President Palmer, but you still have time.

Click Here for more details.

Mrs. Logan's Cleavage Caption Contest

This week's caption contest stars First Lady Marth Logan, the most unstable wife of a politician since Kitty Dukakis.

From some of the comments on our most recent live-blogging session and the number of Google search hits we get for "Mrs. Logan Cleavage", she'll be missed if President Logan gets her shipped off to a funny farm in Vermont. Here's to you Mrs. Logan and your bodacious ta-tas.

1) Caption or photoshop Martha Logan
2) Email photoshops to Blogs4Bauer

The Pie, from Slice of the Pie, writes a wistful essay comparing 24 to reality...

Wouldn't it be great to know that our country has men and women who are just like Jack Bauer? But even if we do (and I think that we most certainly do), how would they be received by those on the left?

Will the next president have the guts to call on "Jack?" Or will he be too afraid of the public relations problems?

Go read We Need Jack, because I think we do.

'24' Character Nicknames

All right, well then, since I intend to continue TiVo-blogging '24', I would really like some good nicknames for the characters. Sam Gamgee, Sid Blumenthal, and Studboy work pretty well, but I'm open to suggestions for anyone else in the cast.

For a while, I was following the example of 'Television Without Pity' and calling Chloe 'Potato-Face.' But, she's kind of grown on me to the point where 'Potato-Face' seems a bit harsh.

I'd like to call Bill Buchanan "The Man Who Shot Down Chiggy von Richthofen" but that is too long and too obscure.

So, suggestions, anyone?

Apology.

To make up for my Anti-Palmer post I give you

DAVID PALMER DAY!

The Jack Tracker!
A friend just sent this to me, and I had to share. Remember how we're always calling 24 out on the fact that characters travel faster than is humanly possible? Well, now we have a more accurate means of proving it: The Jack Tracker.

Somebody named Bohan is tracking all of the movements that Jack makes throughout the show. Amazing!

Updated Jack Bauer Kill Counter

Last night may have seemed like Jack could go through an hour without killing someone. But, who are we kidding? An hour without killing (to Jack) is like an hour without air.

In the first five hours, Jack has killed 10 bad guys (2 are kills credited to his cell phone). On average that is 2 per hour, if he keeps up this pace we will have 48 kills by the end of the day.

Two main characters made a comeback last night, one being a drugged out Tony. The other being the famous torture room from Season 4. For fans new to 24, last season CTU tortured the Secretary of Defense's son, Behrooz and his mother, a fellow CTU agent, and Jack tortured a bad guy as well. I think we can all agree that one highlight of last season was watching Curtis have his way with Heller's son using the sensory deprivation devise.

For a complete list of 24-related deaths, click here.

How should Jack "extract" information out of Chloe's boy toy? Nothing, he'll crack under the pressure of Jack Bauer's voice. Curtis and his Sensory Deprivation Device Blindfold and cover him in Twinkie filling. Then let Edgar in the room. Let Chloe have her way with him, again. Jack Bauer's patented 5-finger pullback. Hook his nipples up to a CTU Ford Explorer's battery. Make him watch Season 3 of 24 on DVD. Leave him alone with a TV tuned into C-Span's coverage of the Senate debate on Judge Alito. Other (list in comments section)

Continuity, it's all about continuity

Somethings I can overlook. A 45 minute drive in 9 minutes...I can shrug that off. No eating or bathroom trips...maybe we missed it? MilSpec Vx agent that is leaking(dead rats) and no human casualties? That's a stretch. I won't rehash the "proprietary algorithm"...that was just laughable.

It was fun to watch studboy crap himself. SURE! The Whitehouse is going to recruit an entry level CTU guy to perform an audit of their activities covertly.

Ya gotta appreciate Curtis' taste in pistols. Didn't get a look at the barrel but it is definately a Glock. Either a G21 or G19, my money is on the 21. Still trying to figure out Jack's weapon of choice. Looks like a Browning .45 but I haven't seen it close enough(and if I ever do I probably won't be around to explain it) and those 1911 models all sorta look alike.

I think this is the season where Mike (Palmer's Chief of Staff in season 2 I think, this year looks like a National Security Advisor?) gets to redeem himself for betraying Palmer.

TiVo Blogging 11:00 to 12:00

Like 'The Man's' Liveblogging, only later, and not as funny.

So, Jack Bauer leaves through the Stargate with some little blond kid... wait, no, that's the end of Stargate SG-1. Stupid TiVo. Fast forward ... Wow! This is a really fast-paced episode. Everything's happening really fast, but I think it's lacking in the character development we've come to expect from ... no, wait, that's the scenes from last week.

11:00:00 to 11:12:24

The Terrorists are disguised as a SWAT Team. I hope the hot angry latina chick from Lost shows up. (Because she was also in that movie, S.W.A.T..) Actually, I just want her to show up.

Next scene, the First Lady's assistant found the first lady sprawled out in her bed with her blouse in disarray. Since neither of the Clintons were invited to the treaty signing, she intuits something is wrong.

Then, there was something about cameras, Curtis went car surfing. Curtis moved into the warehouse with his assault team and found a great big crater and an empty crate with some round holes in it, surrounded by concrete. Then, he spotted some dead rats and realized, since they were nowhere near an Arby's, that something wasn't right.

The terrorists are targeting Moscow. Yeah, that makes sense. If I'm going to attack Moscow, I would definitely hide my nerve gas in Los Angeles. WTF, mate?

Then, President Weasel was bitching out the First Lady's assistant-babe. Then, his Chief of Staff showed up oozing evil smarm. He reminds me of Sidney Blumenthal, actually. Sid Blumenthal advised President Weasel to have the first lady committed. I wonder if Bill ever considered that. President Weasel agreed.

"The only thing we have to take care of is Bauer." Sid Blumenthal takes charge of it. In the Clinton White House, he'd've destroyed Jack Bauer by planting stories in the Washington Post. But I suspect this Sid Blumenthal is somewhat more subtle.

11:16:44 to 11:24:09

Oh, how nice. They're giving the rat a facial. (The dead rat in the warehouse, not Sid Blumenthal). They've detected MILSPEC weaponized nerve gas in the crater at the hangar, and some horsey sauce packets. Sam Gangee ordered a full CTU mobilization and directed them to trace the nerve gas. In the real world, it took, what, three months to figure out where the Anthrax came from. They'll probably trace the nerve gas in, like, ten minutes.

Next scene, President Weasel is being filled in that the nerve gas has been stolen. He is so stunned, he drops the bloody chicken carcass from his mouth.

Chloe calls out Stud-Boy. He whines, "No one talks to me like that." She takes him down a peg... a full peg. "I just did." Afterwars, Studboy mole-ishly pulled something from his pocket. Meanwhile, Edgar gave Chloe grief for not telling him Jack was alive. (Like anyone would tell Edgar that.) And, for not telling her about Studboy. And, score one for V the K, Studboy is a total mole.

Sam Gamgee ordered Jack's Season 4 girlfriend to interrogate Jack's Season 5 girlfriend. And Hairboy got sent to the doctor.

11:28:33 to 11:39:05

Jack checked in with Chloe, thanked her for saving him at the airport. She frowned and pouted, which is just Chloe's way of saying, "You're welcome." Sam Gangee gave Jack Bauer Level 2 clearance, and filled him in on the nerve gas while studboy played with his GameBoy in the background. San Gangee agreed with Jack Bauer's assessment that they needed to find out who put the hit on Gandalf... I mean, David Palmer.

S4GF used the opportunity of interrogation to try and find out if Jack was boinking S5GF. S5GF told her it was none of her damb business. (Translation: Damn Right I was hittin' that, beeyotch.) S4GF caught a glance at Jack from the office window. She gave chase and they had one of those awkward conversations that usually ensues when a guy fakes his death to get out of a clingy relationship then awkwardly runs into his ex. You all know what I'm talking about, right guys?

Meanwhile, Studboy the Mole was in the server room. Makin' copies. Tracking the Jackster. Trackarama. Trackalingo. Chloe walked in. All right. The Chlorinator. Chloe Chloe Bo Bowie. And she figured out about Studboy. Something about his clearance and looking where he don't oughtta be looking and I don't mean Edgar's underwear drawer.

Studboy helped get a Technical Support dude get into CTU past security; a deadly technical support dude. He pulled the tools out of his kit while Studboy babbled on about flagging vectors. Hey, wait. Since when do Microsoft Certified technicians pack heat? All things considered, could you blame a technical support guy for packing heat?

Then, there was a Verizon commercial with Jack's voice doing the voice over. Weird.

11:43:25 to 11:48:48

Crazy First Lady woke up and saw the assistant packing her things. She figured out that the Weaselwais having her sent to the Mary Todd Lincoln suite at Bob Newhart's Vermont Inn. (A real rodent theme in tonight's episode. Rats, Moles, Weasels. Sidney Blumenthal.) Then, she escaped through the bathroom window, as many women will do to get out of a bad relationship. With Jack Bauer's faked death, this creates a nice narrative bookend on the respective ways in which men and women deal with getting out of awkward situations with their significant others.

Next ... Uh, oh, Studboy is busted! And Chloe is pissed... She unloads on him and gets him SO busted at work. So, that's yet a third way of dealing with awkward interpersonal relationships. (She's vulnerable. Now's your chance, Edgar. Or, at least as much of a chance as you're ever going to get in this life.) Studboy revealed he was stalking Jack Bauer, but he was only following orders.

11:53:15 to 11:59:59

Jack Bauer and Sam Gangee put the pieces together. And they pointed, to the degree that pieces can point, to President Weasel's administration. Just then, the "doctor" called and told them Tony was conscious! On the way to the infirmary, Jack and Hairboy had a bonding moment. "As soon as this is over, you and I will get a chance to talk." Jack's prior experience indicates it will be over in about 18 hours, 10 minutes.

Jack visits Tony, but Tony was not conscious. (I thought he had recovered quickly for someone whacked in the head with an exploding car door). Jack spotted the assasin in a reflective surface (an oldie, but a goodie). They fought and for about half a second, the assassin seemed to be kicking Jack's ass. Then, Jack killed him with toenail scissors. The doc was also dead, to. So...

Episode 5: Body Count +2

Jack began to interrogate Studboy. Studboy, having accessed Jack's previous classified files (probably DVD's of Seasons 1-4) knew he was going to tell Jack what Jack wanted to know, it was only a question of how much it was going to hurt. Studboy wet his pants and gave up Sid Blumenthal before Jack had even dislocated a single phalange. Sid Blumenthal supposedly wanted to make sure CTU was operating "within the rules." (Probably he was concerned about CTU not having court orders before wiretapping terrorists). Jack reiterated to Sam Gamgee that he is not working for CTU and so can do whatever the Hell he wants.

Next week: Look out Sid Blumenthal. Jack is coming for you.

Live Blogging (11:00-12:00am)

Viewer discression is advised.

11:05
First product endorsement of the night - Dell Computers

11:19
So they want to take out Jack Bauer? I hope they have a roomfull of ninja moles at CTU.
Should they give Mrs. Logan's boobs a line in the credits. They get more airtime than Edgar.

11:20
I thought old Sam Gamgee was smart until he suggested that Jack's ex-girlfriend (who's husband was killed by Jack) should interview Jack (or Frank Flynn's) current fling.

This episode is starting off as dull as an episode of Skating with the Stars!

11:22
Chloe gets a little ass from her "staff" and now she is a smartass.
CGrim thinks Chloe is the mole. I think CTU (and Chloe to an extent) have been penetrated by Spenser, this season's CTU mole.

Have they worn out the whole CTU mole storyline?

11:30
Let me get this straight. Jack Bauer has only level 2 security clearance, but Spenser has level 3? Sleeping with Chloe has it's rewards. She really likes his "utilities volume".

11:39
Jack is meeting with his ex-girlfriend, as she is debriefing his current ex-girlfriend, and he still has times to do a voiceover for Verizon Wireless. "Jack Bauer never stops working for you"

The sappy muzak is going to kill me. This is like live-blogging The OC.

The bad guys send ONE guy to kill Jack? Not going to happen.

11:42
Vermont is not that bad Ms. Logan. I went skiing there a couple of weeks ago. Trees, maple syrup, ice cream.

11:44
The Torture Room makes a comeback! Someone call in Curtis.
I liked the thing they did to the Sec. of Defense's son with the sensory depravation and all.

I say they blindfold Spenser, rub him down in Twinkie filling and send Edgar into the room. Maybe give him the same haircut as Derek.

11:45
Channel 5 news just asked if you would watch 24 without Jack Bauer. What gives? Is Jack going to die?

11:53
Tony's back. Morphine drip (he brought his own supply in)

1 - Doctor Paulson - Bad Guy
2 - Bad Guy - Jack/Scissors

Jack is going to torture the crap out of Spenser, even with a broken rib.

12:00
"I'm not CTU. I'll go get Cummings myself." - Jack Bauer

Moral of the story: If you are going after Jack Bauer with one hitman and a crybaby. You end up down one crybaby and a hitman. Even breaking a rib will not stop Jack from kicking some ass.

Death Count: 2
(AM42 guessed 1)

Channel 5 news: Will 24 be the same without Jack Bauer?
Will Jack Bauer be killed off? Who will kill Jack Bauer? Can Chloe ever sleep with another man again without checking his "utilities volume"?

Update: I will post what Channel 5 reports once they are done with the weather and a story about Amy Fisher. In the meantime, you can email Fox5 and let them know what you think about the idea of 24 without Jack Bauer.

I tried to email Fox5:
Resources Exceeded
Sorry, System load is too high to process CGI requests.
Please try again later.

Update: Nonstory. Jack was interviewed and stated that no character is safe and that he does not know how the show's story will develop. The fact is that Jack Bauer is 24 and will not go on without him. 24 without Jack Bauer is like eating Lucky Charms for the vitamins.

A Public Service Announcement

In today's health-conscious society, we here at Blogs4Bauer would like to address a serious matter - the ever-expanding waistline of CTU's favorite manatee, Edgar Stiles.

Edgar was always a chubby child, and as a result, was usually the last one picked for sports. Ironically, he was usually the first one picked for belly-flop competitions. Edgar's dear departed mother enjoyed cooking lard-laden meals for her little piglet, and soon Edgar began equating food with love.

After a while, Edgar loved more than Wilt Chamberlain.

The Edgar that now occupies the space surrounding his CTU chair is a corpulent, unshaven, carbon blob with a speech impediment, whose demise will almost certainly involve a chicken bone. If he gets any larger, he will start to bend light! Unless, of course, we help.

Loyal readers of B4B can support this worthy cause bu following one simple rule: PLEASE DON'T FEED THE EDGAR!

(I will also be taking tax-deductible contributions here and at SYLG, which will go toward the purchase of a special typing wand. Edgar's fingers are too fat to type effectively, which is why Chloe always has to bail him out.)

Stupid Questions

Whatever happened to President Keeler (Logan's predecessor)? Are we to assume he died, or is he still in critical condition eighteen months after the attack on Air Force One? And was Michael Schiavo involved in any way?

Whatever happened to Lynne Kresge (President Palmer's aide in Season 2, as well as Admiral Cain in BSG)? She is pushed down a stairwell, and we never hear from her again? Is she dead, and if so, is Michael Schiavo involved?

Will anyone else need the duct tape for tonight's assumed catfight between Audrey and Diana? If Audrey tries to claim that Jack is "her man," I may shoot my television a la Elvis!

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count
How many people are going to die tonight?

Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy
Guess - 4

Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR
Guess - 14

Could Mila Jovovich be Jack's new partner (and love interest) perhaps?

She's tough, lithe, skilled in hand-to-hand combat, and quite competent with firearms.
Total badass, like Jack, just curvier.

If she can smite aliens (The Fifth Element) and zombies (Resident Evils) , why not terrorists, commies, dirty-hippies, Marxists, and other enemies of the state?

Could she replace Kim and Michelle in one fell swoop!?!?!?

Battlestar Bauer Banner Bonanza
Just to prove that no banner request will go unanswered. Here is the Battlestar Galactica - Bauer banner. I had to go to wikiepedia to find out what a Cylon is. I have posted two banners and some other captions I came up with.

Let me know if these are lame and which one you like best. Got other ideas...because you know what that Dr. Baltar is not some dude on General Hospital? Post those in the comments and you may see them appear as a banner.

Other Captions:
Who's Next?
Who's Your Cylon?
You are not my father.
No, Kim does not dig Cylons!
24: Season 2,404

More Blogs 4 Bauer Buttons.

If anyone wants a custom button (80x15 pixels) drop me a line at
with the colors you want and preferred text: Blogs 4 Bauer, Bauer (with gun), or Jack Bauer.

Or you could use a readymade button

Regarding the Palmer pictures, I thought they were funny. (I may get hate mail for that.)

A Jack Bauer for the real world
I rarely agree with his isolationist stripes, but Patrick Buchanan gets something right every now and again. He writes on the same topic I addressed a few weeks ago, effectively why the Democratic strategy to attack Bush on the wiretaps, secret European prisons, and even prisoner abuse will fail.

As Buchanan puts it, "The left may be right about the law, but the people seem to be standing by Bush."

So why am I posting about this here instead of on my blog? Because Buchanan's illustration is dominated by the example of 24 as well as our hero, Jack Bauer.

Maybe it's time we retire
How did we miss this? I find it more than a little embarrassing:

Turns out last week's episode featured a fleeting shot of the caller ID display on a character's cell phone. But rather than the usual fake 555 number -- producers didn't want to waste time or money building a fake cell phone display -- the digits shown were that of an actual phone used by a prop tech who works on '24.'

The number was flashed so quickly, it was impossible to see -- unless you happened to be recording the show on tape or on TiVo. Producers figured they night get a couple of calls from curious types, but were left stunned by what happened next.

We may have Jack's cell phone pegged, but we missed a chance to call it?

And while I'm on the topic of cell phones: does anyone know how to get a ringtone of the CTU phones? I found a way to compose one on my phone, but it's monophonic and terrible, and I'd like to get the real thing if at all possible. Send me an email, or post a comment if you can help. Thanks!

Blogs4Bauer Blogroll

Welcome to the Blogs4Bauer Blogring!
We at Blogs4Bauer are all very pleased by the upsurge in traffic we've seen over the past few days. We're glad that others share our obsession with passion for 24 (and Kim), and that you've chosen to join us. We hope you keep coming back.

To keep track of you all, I'd like to introduce the Blogs4Bauer blogring. In the next few days I will be adding another pod to the sidebar (if there's interest), linking to all of you who've become regular visitors. So what do you have to do to join? It's simple, really:

1. Add one of the many Blogs4Bauer banners or buttons to your personal blog. (See below on this post or in the sidebar for your options. If you need help doing this, send Jack an email, and he'll be happy to help.)
   
2. Create a post having something to do with 24 and linking to this site.
   
3. Send Jack an email with the permalink to your post, or post a comment on this post containing the same, and I will add you to the list on the sidebar.

Anything you want to do above and beyond this would be greatly appreciated, but is not necessary for inclusion in the list.

So what are you choices for banners and buttons? Well, these:

Enjoy!

UPDATE [1/21/2006 - 13:16]: I've added the Blogs4Bauer Blogring pod to the sidebar. Check it out and let Jack know if you want to join.

UPDATE [1/17/2007 - 20:05] We have changed from individual links to a list on blogrolling.com which means you can add the blogroll to your blog! Just paste this code on somewhere on your site like a sidebar:

<script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://rpc.blogrolling.com/display.php?r=35094f2d4feaf1d6371ddcfce4182144">
</script>

Be sure to take out the line breaks that where added for this post.

You can now send your requests to be included in the blogroll to lakelandjim ~at~ gmail ~dot~ com.

BSG Needs Jack Bauer

You know, now that BSG has its own moonbats-in-space storyline (Peace activists demanding surrender to the Cylons) and now that Baltar has given his secret cylon underwear model girlfriend Gina a nuke*, this seems like a job for Jack Bauer, doesn't it?

I think it would go something like this:

****
Jack Bauer: I'm Colonial agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest fracking day of my life.
****
Jack Bauer: [to Gina, after breaking every finger in her hand] This will help you with the pain. [knocks her unconscious]
****
Colonel Tigh: We're at Condition 1, Starbuck, we don't have time for your personality disorder!
****
Col. Saul Tigh: You're not fit to wear the uniform.
Jack Bauer: Yeah, you're right about that part, I am not fit to wear the uniform.
[turns to Tigh]But let's get one thing straight, Saul. I don't work for you.
****
Jack Bauer: Was Colonial One just hit? WAS COLONIAL ONE JUST HIT?

* P.S. Fifty bucks says that said nuclear device becomes a plot device for disposing of a certain narratively inconvenient second battlestar.

President Palmer - Gone but not Forgotten

This Sunday (1/22) will mark one week since the assassination of President Palmer. Even though one commenter on Blogs4Bauer suggested that Palmer was not really dead, the room-temperature body on the floor of his penthouse said otherwise. Unfortunately for the future of Jack and Los Angeles, it's unlikely that Palmer "pulled a Bauer" and faked his death.

No, I would expect to find out that Yakov Smirnoff is the ringleader of the Russian terrorists before we see Palmer again. Let's not tarnish the life of President David Palmer with conspiracy theories.

I propose that Sunday (from 7:02-7:04), we pause for a moment of reflection in honor of the late President Palmer. Take time to reminisce on what David Palmer meant to you.

To you, was he a voodoo-practicing outfielder for the Cleveland Indians?

Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.

...or will you remember him as the first African-American President and All-State Spokesman?

Sherry Palmer: Mike's job is to tell you what you want to hear. Mine is to tell you the truth
President Palmer: You're not qualified for that job.

24 FanFlic

Just stumbled across this on video.google.com.
NOT for the bandwidth challenged but worksafe.

and in keeping with the rules, these are the kinds of guys Kim Bauer would go after.

Comparisons Kim v. Chloe

There seems to be alot of discussion here about Kim Bauer. Any red blooded American male can understand the discussion but what perplexes me is why those same red blooded American males do not mention Chloe O'Brian in the same breath...and then settle on Chloe as the real eye-candy on 24.

Maybe it's because I'm an old fat guy, but to me eye-candy has to have some solid mental accumine in there as well and I'm sorry but Miss Bauer just can't hold a candle to Chloe in that regard. Perhaps it's an age and experience thing. Miss Bauer is young and while she has experienced her share of trevails she still reacts as the innocents would in such situations...that being cowering and hoping someone comes to save them. The first time we see Chloe in a serious life threatening situation what does she do? Grabs the rifle and turns an otherwise new car into baby swiss cheese along with the barbarian inside it. Okay, so she's a little trigger happy, but it gets the job done. Excellent shooting at the refinery this season wouldn't you say?

Chloe also has that wonderful personality trait of cutting right to the meat of a point, usually preceded with biting sarcasm. One doesn't expect such a sharp tongue from such a sweet face. The best retort I've ever heard from Kim could have been gathered from the local cheerleading squad complete with Valley Girl inflection.

Yeah, if I'm not married(thank God I am) I'm interested in a Chloe O'Brian type. I guess I can overlook the laughable idea of a "proprietary CTU Algorithm" to break into Blowfish...well...no...I can't.

Is it Monday night yet?

Sorry, but we've had too many Kimless posts in a row.

She will be back!

Stupid 24 Questions

Considering his recent history, do you think the doctors at the CTU infirmary are giving Tony painkillers?

Did you notice when Jack surrendered in the terminal, he still had his forearm tattoo? (Continuity Alert!)

Do you think the "tinkling techie" that Martha Logan walked in on suffered "shrinkage?"

Who the hell figured Chloe would have a shoulder tattoo?

Jack Bauer Does Eat, Sleep, and Pee
Sorry if that headline's a bit crude for you, but Kiefer Sutherland claims that they have filmed scenes of him doing all three at least once (not at the same time):

Sutherland insists that, despite appearance, Jack Bauer does take time out of his busy day to do the things everyone else does during the course of a day.

"In every year, I have eaten at least once and (the producers) cut it out. I even used the bathroom once. And they cut that out. And I've fallen asleep, too, in every scene. I've been sitting in a surveillance car and fallen asleep. They cut that out. You really need to take that up with the producers. We've tried."

Respectfully, I would point out to Kiefer that if we don't see it, it didn't happen. Filmed or not, if the producers cut the scene, there are no bathroom breaks.

Still, it's interesting to know that the writers understand the issues they create by ignoring such issues—it's the producers who don't seem to care.

Jack Bauer's Treo 650 Cell Phone

The helicopter in Airwolf, Alfonso from Silver Spoons, Scrappy Doo, the shorts worn by Erik Estrada in CHiPS, Trogdor the Burninator, and KITT. None of these sidekicks garners as much awe as Jack Bauer's Cell Phone. If you packed in the genius of the Professor from Gilligan Island's, MacGyver's usefulness, the style of Crockett and Tubbs, and the lasting power of Ron Jeremy - you may come close to the mind-blowing power of Jack's cell phone just from Season one.

For Season 5, Jack Bauer's cell phone has already helped id terrorists, organize a raid, and in the process - blew up two terrorists. As a demonstration of it's significance, Jack even carrys a decoy cell phone with a flip front for use when he gives himself up to bad guys.

While Jack Bauer's gun usually gets the glory, without his cell phone I doubt Jack would have been able to save Los Angeles, Kim Bauer and President Palmer over and over again. Had Jack's cell phone been in the good hands of President Palmer, we would still be blessed with All-State commercials every 8 minutes. Logan would still be VP if Jack's cell phone had been with Former President Keeler when Air Force One was shot down by a stealth bomber. Had Jack's cell phone been with Tony after Season 3, he probably would have sold it for smack. Just look what Jack's cell phone has done for Chloe in the off-season; she's a hit with male coworkers and just notched her second shooting of a bad guy.

An inside source at Palm has leaked the Spec sheet for Jack Bauer's latest cell phone to us -behold the Treo 650....errrr behold the Treo 700w.

Honorary Blogs4Bauer Member
If there was any way to track down this girl, who was Overheard in New York, I'd invite her to join us for the pure entertainment value. Why? Because she feels about Jack Bauer the way we feel about Kim Bauer:

Girl on cell: No...Well yes, you can call me back, just not between the hours of 8 and 10PM...Why do you think? It's Jack Bauer Power Hour!....Uh, times 2. It's going to be motherfucking terrorist-kicking time. That whispering bad ass mofo is going to be going on strong tonight for 2 hours. Praise Jebus!...Bam! Pop! Pow! Jacky should be the father of my children. I will however totally call you directly after the show.

This was overheard on the corner of 1st and 5th in NYC, so anyone in that area keep an eye out for a lunatic shouting about Jack Bauer into her cell phone. If you find her, tell her to email us.

Blogs 4 Bauer - Flank 2 Caption Contest

Our little blog would not be complete without a caption contest.

1) Caption or photoshop this CTU moment
2) Email photoshops to Blogs4Bauer

Next, on 24.
[Note: the contents of this post do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Blogs4Bauer, nor those of individual contributors other than The Conservative UAW Guy. Although considering the political blogs that each of us operates separately it probably does, all hate-mail should be sent directly to the author. -RFTR]

Jack discovers the mole has been exchanging information with known traitors and terrorist-coddling, leftist tree-huggers.

Using a fundraiser raising money for out-of-work terrorist, Jack rounds up Moore, Kennedy, Murtha, Reid, Pelosi, and several others.
Once at the fundraiser, he lures them to a warehouse with a hippy whistle.

A hippy whistle is like a deer whistle or duck call, but it makes a sound like

"Help, I'm being oppressed by evil conservatives, and I need a late term abortion and some more welfare!!!"

or

"Aaaagghhh! Someone's driving an SUV and they're not rich actors or politicians!"

Jack then subsequently tortures them by saying a prayer to Jesus and shoving Ronald Reagan pictures in their faces ("THIS IS A REAL PRESIDENT, YOU F***ING TRAITOROUS COMMIES!!! YOU PROBABLY LIKE SINKING LOGIC CONTROLS, TOO!!!).

Of course, the spineless leftists immediately spill their guts (and not a small amount of urine, either) and tell Jack everything.

Once Jack has the information, he lets them go summarily executes them for crimes against the state.
He is aquitted one week later by a jury of his peers real Americans.

But wait! Where's Al Gore?!?!?

Beep-boop, beep-boop, beep-boop...

The Blogs 4 Bauer Kill Counter is up and running

The Blogs 4 Bauer Kill Counter is up and running.

Update: Keep checking back to this post as the season progresses for updated Jack Bauer Kill Counts.
Update: I have added "When" the kill took place.
Update 3.21.06: Since the Kill Counter went triple digits, I updated the counter image.

Kill	How	Who	When
President Palmer	Gun Shot	Bad Guys	7-8am
Michelle Dessler	Car Bomb	Bad Guys
Bad Guy	Stabbed	Jack
Bad Guy in car	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy in car	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy with bad hair	Gun Shot	Jack
Chevensky	Poison	Chevensky	8-9am
Security Guard	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Security Guard	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Hostage on Cell Phone	Gun Shot	Bad Guys	9-10am
Hostage in tie	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Bad Guy in vest	Explosion	Jack's Cell Phone
Bad Guy	Explosion	Jack's Cell Phone
Hostage with bad hair	Gun Shot	Bad Guys	10-11am
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CTU Assault Team
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CTU Assault Team
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CTU Assault Team
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CTU Assault Team
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CTU Assault Team
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CTU Assault Team
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Dr. Paulson	Gun Shot	Bad Guy	11-12am
Bad Guy	Scissors to the neck	Jack
Inside Guy	Gun Shot	Bad Guys	12-1pm
Security Guard	Gun Shot	Jack	1-2pm
Security Guard	Gun Shot	Jack
Walt Cummings	Belt	Walt Cummings Bad Guys
Bike Shop Guy	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Sean Connery	Gun Shot	Russian Jail Bait
Rent-a-Cop	Gun Shot	Bad Guys	2-3pm
Bad Guy in Gas Mask	Broken Neck	Jack's Thighs of Steel
Mall Rat*	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat**	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Mall Rat	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Bad Guy	Gun Shot (self-inflicted)	Bad Guy
Badger	Stabbed	Comrade HallowedAreTheOri	3-4pm
Computer Guy	Gun Shot	Bad Guy
Government Associate	Gun Shot	Bad Guy
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Evil Shatner
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Evil Shatner	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Motorcycle Cop	Gun Shot	Bad Guy	4-5pm
Motorcycle Cop	Gun Shot	Bad Guy
Limo Driver	Big Ass Bazooka	Bad Guy
Secret Service	Gun Shot	Bad Guy
Secret Service	Gun Shot	Bad Guy
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Secret Service
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Secret Service
Bad Guy-Flame Thrower	Gun Shot	Red
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Cola	5-6pm
John McCain	Gun Shot	Bad Guy
Honey Bunny	Gun Shot	Bad Guy
CTU Tech Hottie	Stabbed	Mr. Chekhov	6-7pm
Red Shirt	Gun Shot	Mr. Chekhov
Mr. Chekhov	Gun Shot	Jack
Random CTU Person***	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Random CTU Person	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Edgar "Truffle Shuffle"	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Red Shirt	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys	7-9pm****
Samwise	Nerve Gas Poisoning	Bad Guys
Tony Almeida	Drug Overdose (go figure)	Biff Henderson
Police Officer	Strangled	Bad Guys	9-10pm
Police Officer	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Security Guard	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Engineer	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Engineer	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Bacardi (Jack)
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Cola (Curtis)
Random CTU Backup	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Curtis
Random CTU Backup	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack (fire extinguisher assist)
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack	10-11pm
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Bacardi (Jack)
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Diet Cola (Wayne Palmer)
Bad Guy	Knife to the thoat	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Wayne
Bad Guy	Run Over	Henderson
EMT	Gun Shot	Henderson	11-12pm
EMT	Gun Shot	Henderson
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Police Officer	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Police Officer	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Karl - Bank Guy	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CA National Guard
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CA National Guard
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack	12-1am
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack
Heller's Guard	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Bad Guy	Explosion	Jack
Bad Guy	Explosion	Jack
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CTU Team	1-4am*****
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Curtis
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	CTU Team
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys	4-5am******
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
CTU Guard	Ambush	Bad Guys
Secret Service Agent	Gun Shot	Martha Logan
The Skipper	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Russian Sailor	Nerve Gas	Bad Guys
Bad Guy	Knife	Rooney	5-7am
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack Bauer
Bad Guy	Gun Shot	Jack Bauer
CTU Agent McCullah	Gun Shot	Bad Guys
Bad Guy	Steam Heat	Jack Bauer
Bierko	Thighs of Steel	Jack Bauer
Henderson	Gun Shot	Jack Bauer

*Since no set number of deaths at the mall have been reported, Dick Cheney reported that 10-20 were killed, so we took a shot at 15. This number will be revised if more solid numbers come out.
**Mall Rat death count has been set at 11. Jack Bauer said 11 people died, so that means 11 people died.
***Unless someone knows what 40% of CTU is, we will go on how many people we saw fall (7). This number will be adjusted when we get a solid death count from CTU.
***Update: 56 killed at CTU. (Edgar, Samwise, Tony, 53 extras). Damn.
****Zero people died from 8-9pm.
*****Zero people died from 2-3am due to Jack Bauer's work stoppage. Also, Heller came back to life and was removed from the kill counter during the 3-4am show.
******Until we hear otherwise we assume: 12 CTU guards were killed in the ambush. Also, we assume the Russian sub was an Oscar II class attack sub with 107 men aboard.
*******The Sub was a Delta IV class which carries 135 men, this adds 28 to the kill counter.